Thursday, October 31, 2002

Aquatic Bird Fingers Bush in Lineup

posted by Adam Felber at 1:07 PM

Wednesday, October 30, 2002

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Astronauts

Project Space Force has been supplied with yet another inspirational new logo, this one from the talented Ken Larson.

[Does Romania's earthbound crew have rhyming slogans? Probably not!]

Note that Ken's logo posits a Brooklyn, NY launch site. I do have a backyard, but it's a bit small (30'x10'). This may be adequate, though I'm not sure about the fire hazard from a major rocket launch. Unfortunately, the entire Launch Dynamics team has been temporarily reassigned to the vital "Morale and Marketing ThinkSquad," but as soon as they're done coming up with a media strategy, I'll ask 'em. If we need more room, there's a park just down the street.

In other news, our legal team tells me that since the actual work that we're doing will be in space, our $10 million might not be taxable!

One more note - I've taken the liberty of gutting the Navigation Unit (how many ways do you need to be able to say "up," anyway?), and put 'em on Endorsements and Tie-ins. So the actual spacecraft may have to have less of an austere, white look and more of a NASCAR vibe (note to the Design Team: We'll need some big, flat surfaces for maximum ad space).

So get excited, team - we're moving ever closer to our launch/product rollout!

posted by Adam Felber at 2:42 PM

Tuesday, October 29, 2002

Bush Signs Election Reform Bill

Washington, Tuesday (FA wire) - President Bush signed the Martin Luther King Jr. Help America Vote Act today, ensuring that the 2004 elections would not suffer from the vote-counting irregularities and disenfrachisement that marred the 2000 contest.

posted by Adam Felber at 5:39 PM

Slightly Magical, Not Completely Unmysterious

Adamefty: Hey, is that you?

TheWalrus: I M he. & u r?

Adamefty: He. And we are?

TheWalrus: Oui. And we r all 2gether.

Adamefty: Heehee. :-)

TheWalrus: lol!

Adamefty: see?

TheWalrus: How? ;-) loltotf!

Adamefty: lolrotflmao!

TheWalrus: lolrotflmaolsdpcpthcmdma! googoogajoob! {:@)>

Adamefty: ?

<EggMan2971 has entered the room. >

EggMan2971: Hi! Any hot chix in here who like to party?

posted by Adam Felber at 3:38 PM

Monday, October 28, 2002

Breaking News: Cleland Withdraws, Replacement Found

Facing an ever-shrinking lead in the polls and citing "totally unrelated personal problems," first-term Georgia Senator Max Cleland (D.) announced his withdrawal from the race yesterday, giving a significant boost to Republican challenger Saxby Chambliss.

But by this morning the tide had shifted again, as Georgia Democratic Party officials announced that Cleland's replacement would be none other than beloved former Senator Alfred Holt Colquitt, who held the seat from 1883-1894.

[Senator Colquitt: "It's an honor, and I shall do my best."]

Contacted via ouija board early this morning, the 178 year-old Princeton graduate said that he was "honored to be considered for the post at a time when my party is in such need." Looking considerably refreshed (if a bit soiled, reportedly from his retirement's avocation of "gentleman farmer") at a press conference a few hours later, Georgia's elder statesman seemed ready to take on all comers.

Speaking for Senator Colquitt (who apparently had a sore throat at the press conference), Georgia Democratic Party Spokesman Chrissy Noonan said that she hoped "that the opposition would have the good taste and judgement not to make age an issue in the race." When asked about Colquitt's membership in Georgia's 1861 secession convention, Noonan stated defiantly, "I don't think anyone would dare to question Senator Colquitt's patriotism. The voters forgave him when they elected him Governor in 1876 - can Saxby Chambliss claim to have been elected during our nation's centennial?"

---------------------------------------------------------

Disclaimer
I have, it seems, offended a few people with this one, and for that I am extremely sorry. There are those who feel that this is too soon and too disrespectful to Senator Wellstone and his family, though that certainly wasn't my intention:

I've been thinking about the Wellstone tragedy all weekend (I admired him quite a bit). My intention was to lampoon both the, uh, ripeness of the chosen stand-ins and the ugly, instant power plays of both parties - the Democrats for immediately floating Mondale's name (yet another elderly "brand" they thought voters would be comfortable with), the Republicans for assembling a Mondale Assault Squad, both mere hours after the tragic crash. Frankly, I was driven to distraction by the fact that less than a day passed before this feverish speculation and positioning started spreading all over the web, the print media, and the airwaves. Thus, the exhumed Senator Colquitt.

Once again - I apologize to those this offends, and I respect your feelings. I will, however, leave it up, as I think this sort of thing (the "Rush to Mondale") is one of the things satire exists for.

posted by Adam Felber at 12:27 PM

Thursday, October 24, 2002

Updates: Space. Time. Steve Dunleavy's Ass.

- the undeniably astronautical Aaron of Excursus! has provided Project Space Force with another logo candidate:

[This Man in the Moon's got a $10 million payday comin', baby!]

Allegations of cheesiness notwithstanding, this is a fine effort, and PFS personnel might want to enlarge this and use it as a motivational poster. That will doubtless boost morale and increase our efficiency. In fact, the "imagineering" is going so well that I'm diverting another 20% of our Rocketry and Aerodynamics Team to the Logo Task Force.

- Sadly, I honestly don't know whether you'll see many Fanatical Apathy updates 'til Monday. Our staff is working away busily, but I'm heading up to Beantown for the ImprovBoston 20th Anniversary extravaganza. Back in the early 90's I spent a blissful four years performing with ImprovBoston, and this return to my ol' stomping grounds will, if nothing else, bolster New England's sluggish bourbon market.

- Finally, there's been some speculation (both around here and over at Atrios' noble haunt) that Steve Dunleavy might be able to weasel out of his pledge because one of the arrested sniper suspects was Jamaican ("Jamiaca: Exporting Terrorists Since.... Well, Never").

I can understand why the sheer terror of Dunleavy's exposed buttocks might make you want to believe this, but I'm afraid it's not the case: Dunleavy's promise pertained to "the shooter" being a foreigner. My guess is that the sniper is probably the Gulf War Army veteran who is "recognized as an expert marksman," and not his 17 year-old Jamaican pal.

Regardless of my own horror, I have come to want Dunleavy to make good on his oath. It seems like small recompense for needlessly making life that much more difficult for the already beleaguered thousands of innocent foreign nationals currently living in the U.S., but it's something. So I got to thinking that there just might be something we all can do, grassroots-wise, to say in a respectful and restrained manner that we, the citizens of the world, will not stand for nationalist hate-mongering:

Feel free to add this simple, understated banner to your site.

posted by Adam Felber at 5:14 PM

Duck in a Noose

For many, the arrest of the suspected snipers in the Washington, DC area is a cause for solemn celebration, a signal that life can return to something approaching normality. For some it means that soccer and football can resume in the verdant, recently-terrorized areas around our Nation's Capitol. A sigh of relief will issue from deep within the breasts of concerned parents, worried children, and overworked policemen. For most of the country, the insomniac's nightmare that was brought on by one of the bloodiest and oddest killing sprees in history is finally over.

But for many, particularly in the New York area, today will always be known as Black Thursday.

The killer is, apparently, from Washington state. A native US citizen and former soldier. As I pointed out last week, this fact has dire, dire consequences.

We have no way of knowing where Steve Dunleavy is right now, though we might guess that he's in New York. Still, it's not worth the risk: Wherever you are, for godsakes, DO NOT ASSUME YOU ARE SAFE! STAY AWAY FROM MACY'S.

posted by Adam Felber at 1:37 PM

Wednesday, October 23, 2002

Text of Today's Security Council Meeting

The U.S. called a meeting of the entire UN Security Council today to discuss its new draft of a "compromise" resolution on Iraq. One Chinese diplomat has already said, "It's a pity there are no substantive changes from the previous text.''

In the Security Council Chambers, 10:45 AM

USA: Okay, IÕd like to call this meeting to order.

BRITAIN: Right-o! I second that.

USA: You donÕt have to second that Ð either the meetingÕs started or it hasnÕt.

BRITAIN: Quite right. Quite right. Dreadfully sorry. (to the room) Attention Ð nobody should second the call to order. Do we understand?

USA: All right, now letÕs get to hashing out a resolution we all can sign.

RUSSIA: Is stupid! Russia will never sign such violent rhetoric! The UNÕs authority must is being respected!

USA: We havenÕt shown you the new proposal yet.

RUSSIA: Oh. Da. Give hereÉ Ooh, is nice binder! I can be keeping this?

FRANCE: You think you can make wiz ze bullying of us to sign an agreement that bullies someone else, eh? Nevaire! As our philosopher Jean Louis Baptiste de Trenteville dÕArmignac once said Ð ÒFuck you!Ó

GUINEA: I thought the big meetings always had snacks.

MAURITIUS: They donÕt bring Ôem Ôtil eleven.

SINGAPORE: No snacks Ôtil eleven? LetÕs invade Iraq!

(general laughter)

USA: Very funny.

BRITAIN: Yes, that was quite an excellent joke. (glancing at the US delegate) No, dash it all, it wasnÕt! We were both being sarcastic, werenÕt we now?

USA: Yes. Okay, so youÕve got our new resolution. Any objections to it?

RUSSIA: Is exactly the same as resolution from last week. Still has Òmaterial breachÓ clauses, and is including the Òserious consequencesÓ phrasing that we are having been rejecting last week. Is no different from one we said we would not be signing!

CHINA: This is outrageous! It is almost as if you have absolutely no interest in crafting a resolution that we can agree on. It is almost as if you called a meeting of the full Security Council because you simply want to be able to claim to your people that your tried to reach an agreement before you just go in and take the entire country by yourself without any international restrictions and ensuring that the whole post-war configuration of Iraq including the allocation of its economic resources is yours to decide on!

(A pause. The US ambassador stares unblinkingly at the Chinese ambassador for a long, long time.)

CHINA: Oh.

(Another uncomfortable pause.)

CAMEROON: Hello! The snacks are here!

BULGARIA: Hey, save some of those chicken fingers for the rest of usÉ

posted by Adam Felber at 3:43 PM

Tuesday, October 22, 2002

P.S.F. Update

I'm proud to present to you all our very first Project Space Force logo, submitted by Tim Lowell!

[These will make great shoulder patches (if we do some sort of "spacesuit" thing)]

Note that Tim also provides a very useful fact about escape velocity, which is something that our boys down in the Pre-Orbital Configuration Unit were going to be looking into just as soon as they'd put the finishing touches on their Success Strategies whitepaper and the appointment of the Effectiveness Task Force.

[Watch this space for more logos as they arrive. You can just email them to me. - Cmndr. Felber, PSF]

posted by Adam Felber at 3:33 PM

MetLife Blimp Crashes; Manhunt for Red Baron Begins

In comedy, as in politics, it often pays to be first rather than "right" or "best." So it was important to me to make the above crack about the tragic downing of the Snoopy One right away. Oh! The humanity... is fine. As one might expect from any story involving both the words "gondola" and "gazebo," no one was hurt. Expect some pretty dull folk songs to come out of this one, including "Cuss You, Red Baron" and "It Was Sad (But Not TOO Sad) When That Great Ship Went Down."

posted by Adam Felber at 12:44 PM

Monday, October 21, 2002

Project Space Force Update

To: All Project Space Force personnel
From: PSF Captain Adam "Cap'n" Felber

It's now been nearly three months since Fanatical Apathy launched its space program, "Project Space Force" (see "To the Stars, Dammit"), and things have never looked better in our quest to grab that big 10 million dollar prize!

But I won't lie to you all - there's some challenges ahead. For one, it looks like there's two new teams joining the race: Romania and a group of game programmers from Mesquite, TX. I don't think we have too much to fear from the "Aeronautics and Cosmonautics Romanian Association;" honestly, their name is kinda lame and I don't see how a bunch of Vlad-Come-Lately's are gonna trump our superior management techniques and American can-do spirit. But Armadillo Aerospace is run by iD Software founder John Carmack, the inventor of "Doom" and "Quake." They're bound to have a splashy logo, and they're made of strong stuff - according to my sources, they can cure just about any injury, no matter how severe, with a standard-looking first aid kit.

But don't despair, Space Force! We haven't been idle these past couple of months, no, FAR from it. Here's a quick breakdown of some of our more significant advances:

August 7 - signed a licensing agreement with Barthelme Promotions Inc., insuring a swift capitalization on the Project Space Force name once we've made it into space. BPI has arranged for rapid licensing for everything from T-shirts to TV movies to video games (oooh, that's gonna hurt, eh, Carmack!?). This could more than double our initial take within the first year.

August 14 - Senior PSF personnel took a retreat to upstate New York for a weekend-long seminar on Effective Management and Finding Excellence. Inspired by this, we immediately reorganized the basic managerial structure of Project Space Force. The new Mission Statement creates an environment that rewards accomplishment, provides a fluid business model, and frees us from the creativity-flattening constraints of "old school business as usual."

August 30 - Press Blitz! We simultaneously hit every major news and entertainment outlet with a barrage of PSF promotional materials and press releases. Within three days we'd raised our profile 750%, finally creating a base of name-recognition and brand-awareness that will be vital for our post-flight market presence.

September 4 - Very productive Board Meeting, wherein we got the new Internal Motto approved ("Achieve the Excellent, Reward the Stars"). As many of you know, our September 2nd retreat with motivationalist Henry Kurtz (he was great!!) taught us that an Internal Motto can be more important than an External Slogan.

September 16 - A consultation with feng shui master Mindy Levine demonstrated that we had a serious chi bottleneck right outside the Propulsion Lab. This offered a clear explanation as to why none of us have spent much time down there. Levine's "MinShui" interior design firm agreed to help heal the negative flow, and we're confident that it's venture capital well spent.

October 2-5 - The executive team took a weekend-long Visualization Workshop with Content Consulting (it's amazing how affordable some of these top-notch, results-oriented firms have become in the past two years!). We returned from Atlantic City refreshed, recharged, and more focussed than ever on our "Corporate End Zone."

We still have challenges ahead, of course, and the competition is fierce. As my last couple of Powerpoint Pow-wows have indicated, we still need to devote more energy to productivity, recruitment, and actual space travel. Also, we need a new logo, so please submit them in the Comments Box as soon as possible (ask yourself - Are we creating an inspiring and results-oriented image that'll look cool on the side of our ship?). But our progress is steady and our motivation's at an all-time high - To the Stars, dammit, To the Stars!

posted by Adam Felber at 1:17 PM

Saturday, October 19, 2002

My History Report

George III was angry alot. They called him George because that was his name. they called him III because he was the third guy named George to run his country. He was a nice man but he never listened to anyone because he was very bossy. Everybody was always all like "George III, you have to listen to us" but he was always like "No I don't because your not the boss of me and I am king and you do what I say."

He had a big big army and he sent them all over the world to do stuff for him. George III said they could stay wherever they wanted or ELSE and people had to let them. This was called quartering because the soldiers only had to pay a quarter which is less than if they staid in a hotel (I staid in a hotel once but that is another story! :-) ). Anyway, they traveled alot.

Georges problem is that sometimes other people got angry and said "you cant do this here. This isn't your country" and George would never listen because he was always like "Shut up! My army will kick your ass beat on you if you dont listen!" Other kings and stuff told him to listen but he would not because he could kick there ass butts too. He was always fighting with France because of stuff like this.

George got into alot of wars and he won most of them but not all of them becuase his soldiers were fighting all the way across the ocean and they were always like fighting the old way in fancy uniforms and the people they fighted were like more chill about it and sneaky too. When he lost a war it was really not cool because his soldiers were so much stronger but they lost anyways becuase George was all bigheaded and would not ask anyone for help so that when he needed help everyone was all like "Why should we help you? Because you did not listen to us before!" And he was all like "Hey shut up I'm George III and I got this job from my father who was the second George to run the country and you cant tell me what to do!"

In the end George lost a big war and they made him stop being in charge because they said he was crazy. He tried to be king of the world like that guy who made Titanic but nobody is really king of the world thats just an expression.

He was the last George to ever run his country and the last Bush too because he really messed up and people were all like "No we're not going to vote for you again because you did not listen to us last time." That is my report.

Date: October 19, 2039

posted by Adam Felber at 12:47 PM

Thursday, October 17, 2002

Notes From All Fronts

It's been a busy, busy planet in the past few days - the world failed to pause while I was immersed in the campaign (I now consider myself President-in-exile of Iraq). So I'll offer you a quick Fanatical Apathy World News Roundup...

The Worst Promise Ever

"If, when the shooter is caught, if he is not a foreigner, I will bare my derriere in Macy's window."
That was Steve Dunleavey on the DC Sniper, in today's New York Post. As a precaution, Mayor Bloomberg has dispatched an NYPD special unit to the DC area to prevent the sniper's capture.

Florida Throws the Book at Noelle Bush

The "book" in question appears to be "Uncle Wiggily and His Friends." Still, Noelle did get 10 days in prison, which is only 5 days short of the maximum sentence for a Bush in Florida (first degree murder). There's a lesson here, but it's probably about parenting.

North Korea: "What About Our Evil Weapons Programs?"

Insanely jealous that Iraq might get the U.S. invasion and subsequent aid package, Mouse-That-Roared wannabe North Korea admitted to its continuing development of nuclear weapons and other "powerful" arms. Pyongyang made it clear that they refuse to be the Italy of this World War. Deputy Foreign Minister Kang Sok-joo boasted that the new foreign policy initiative was "sure to restore North Korea's place as the destination regime for pre-emptive strike forces."

Clever U.S. Foreign Policy Leads to Diplomatic Triumph at U.N. Iraq Talks

Hahahahahaha! Whee! No, seriously, we're gettin' shellacked in those talks. The most recent development seems to be that we have to give France both Montana and Delaware to get 'em to agree to a resolution stating that "Iraq blowing up the world should be punished by extensive fines." Weird. It's almost like our allies are angry at us about something we've said and are therefore less willing to build an international coalition than they ordinarily would be...

posted by Adam Felber at 2:25 PM

Wednesday, October 16, 2002

Is Iraq Florida?

Though I've had some fun in the past couple of days likening my own tribulations in the Iraqi elections (I was robbed!) to the Florida 2000 vote, a little research by the crack staff here at Fanatical Apathy has revealed some startling similarities between the two states.

Eligible voters - Both Florida and Iraq have about 11 million eligble voters. Although the reported turnout in Iraq (100%) was significantly higher than in Florida (59%), this is almost certainly an artifact of my own campaign's galvanizing effect on the voting public.

Vote counting - Iraqi officials claim to have counted all 11 million paper ballots in less than two days. While it's true that there are not a lot of overseas ballots to count, this is still highly suspicious. The same conspicuous rush to declare a winner in both races has resulted in the disenfranchisement of a Democrat. Al Gore's 49% of the vote is admittedly a slightly better showing than my own 0%, but both numbers seem a bit low and will be a source of resentment and controversy for years to come.

All in the Family - Whether you're in Florida or Iraq, you can pretty much get away with anything if you're the child of the guy who runs the place. So you're free to dabble in illicit chemicals, whether they be mustard gas or crack cocaine.

There's more, of course; the heavily armed citizenry, the sun and the sand, the presence of man-made anthrax, the tendency to speak of God and government in the same breath... I'm not suggesting that the two are literally the same place. There are differences. For instance, Florida has the advantage of not being in any imminent danger of an invasion that will replace its government with a U.S.-style democracy. Then again, Iraq can boast of not being in imminent danger of electing Katherine Harris to a national office. This trade-off is something to consider when planning your next vacation.

posted by Adam Felber at 3:24 PM

Tuesday, October 15, 2002

It's Not Over

Obviously, I've been very busy today, desperately trying to Rock the Vote in Iraq.

Now, there are some reports out there that Saddam has garnered 100% of the vote. I want to stress to all my supporters that these are preliminary results, and the final count won't be released until late tomorrow at the earliest. Plus there are some indications of irregularities in the vote counting in some precincts (Tikrit, Samarrat, and Ar Rutbah, to name a few). I'm looking into those, I assure you. This is not a concession speech. This isn't over.

posted by Adam Felber at 11:01 PM

Monday, October 14, 2002

posted by Adam Felber at 2:09 PM

Iraqis: Make Your Vote Count! Vote Felber '02!

The audience at Ye Olde Tripple Inn on West 54th Street in Manhattan weren't expecting a major political announcement this Saturday night. In fact, I (the announcer of said political announcement) wasn't expecting it either. It just sort of happened.

I announced my candidacy for the Presidency. Of Iraq.

I was talking about Saddam Hussein's current campaign, which seems to be running smoothly despite the choice of Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You" as his theme song (I wish that was a joke - click on the story). He was expected to beat his record-best performance, a stunning 99.96% in the previous election.

That all changed on Saturday night.

As I said, I wasn't expecting this either. But once I'd suggested it, everything seemed to click into place - it felt right. After I made the shocking announcement I hastily wrote and sung a campaign theme song (entitled, thanks to a clever audience member, "One Grain of Sand at a Time"), and suddenly the Felber machine was heard grinding into action. If the vociferous support of 60 or so (mostly drunken) New Yorkers is any indication, I have a real shot at unseating Saddam and thereby enacting a peaceful, orderly regime change in Iraq.

There's not a tremendously large amount of time remaining before Election Day - it's twenty-four hours or so until the polls open. But the Internet is a lightning-fast tool. Spread the word to any Iraqis you know. And spread it to anyone you know who might know a few Iraqis: Adam Felber is the right choice to help lead Iraq in the new millennium. Write in "Adam Felber" and write your ticket to the future! [applause, cheers]

There are those who would argue that I'm too young, too American, or too Jewish to be an effective President for Iraq. [murmurs, some "boos"] To them I say, don't underestimate the hearts and minds of the good people of Iraq! [wild cheers] My (future) fellow Iraqis, as President I will focus on you, not on a bunch of risky and expensive pet projects that cost billions of dollars a year just to conceal. [laughter] I know I'm not alone when I say, "Where are the weapons of mass destruction - I haven't seen 'em! [applause, derisive laughter] No, friends, I won't be giving you the Emperor's New Nerve Gas, I'll be offering you the President's New Deal! [stomping, ecstatic cheering, chants of "Where was Aziz!?"]

My friends, this won't be easy. My opponent has assembled a formidable campaign with his clever slogans, theme songs, colorful posters, well-designed buttons, and effective television ads. Not to mention his 23 years of absolute power, which also gives him a bit of a leg up. But make no mistake - his days are numbered, and with your vote, your voice, and your strength, that number might just be "1!" [fervent applause, some nervous glances over shoulders]

So remember me on Election Day. A vote for Felber is a vote for our future! God bless you, and God bless Iraq! [applause, cheers. Balloons fall as the band tears into "One Grain of Sand at a Time." Adam wades into the crowd, grinning and high-fiving his Iraqi supporters. There are photo-ops by the dozen with luminaries such as Kofi Annan, Iraqi matinee idol Perziz Assad, and - stunningly (what's this!?) - Whitney Houston! The tide turns palpably...]

posted by Adam Felber at 3:00 AM

Friday, October 11, 2002

What I'm Not Saying

I'm not saying that our upcoming war with Iraq is "all about oil." A lot of people were saying that about the Gulf War back in '91, true. But now, in the post-9/11 world, things are different.

Sure, there's no outright provocative act like the invasion of Kuwait. True, the new Bush administration has even deeper ties to the oil industry than the first one. Yes, Saddam's military is weaker than it was back then. But he's still (probably) working on those Weapons of Mass Destruction, and times have changed.

Okay, it's possible that some people in the oil industry noticed this little news item from last year, and it's conceivable that a few of them might have realized that if sanctions are ever lifted against Iraq it would be very bad news indeed for American oil companies, who would lose out to Russia and China. Before 9/11, someone might've pointed out that merely disarming Saddam wouldn't change this fact, that only a regime change would open up Iraq to U.S. interests. And that the new regime would have to be installed by us rather than, for instance, Russia. Someone might have mentioned, in times past, that the difference between a thoroughly and verifiably disarmed Saddam Hussein and a new, US-installed regime is the difference between a gain or loss of untold billions of dollars for the US oil industry. But that's not the kind of thing you say nowadays, and with good reason; the world is a more dangerous place now, and we have to support every effort to fight terror and those who would foster it.

So to sum up: If we do happen to go to war with Iraq, topple Saddam, and install a friendly new government, yes, it would mean a huge, multi-billion dollar windfall for US oil companies, particularly if we liberated the Iraqi people without too much help from our competitors allies. That is indisputable. But understand that I am not saying that this has anything to do with how or why we will fight this war. I'm saying that this would be a fringe benefit that the US oil industry and the Administration should probably look into after the fighting's over, because the most tyrannical, threatening, and intolerable regime around which must be brought down at all costs also happens to be the (newly crowned!) most oil-rich nation on Earth. The presence of all that crude, gushing cash is not a motivation, just a fact, and it may turn out to be a really good thing for our businesses, the kind of thing that would bail out a floundering economy and make, for instance, an insane and ill-conceived tax cut suddenly seem both responsible and ingenious. The Bush Administration is focussed only on ensuring the safety and security of America and its allies, and they probably haven't even thought about what the economic bonanza impact of such a war might be. But I have, and I'm just sayin'...

posted by Adam Felber at 4:11 PM

Thursday, October 10, 2002

Our Story Thus Far...

posted by Adam Felber at 3:14 AM

Tuesday, October 08, 2002

New Jersey's Pink Panther

Gloating is unseemly in most pundits. We comedians have a little more leeway, though.

I called it! IcalleditIcalleditIcalledit!

You may remember that a little over a week ago, I outlined two options for Repubican candidate Doug Forrester in the wake of Bob Torricelli's graceless but effective retreat. So it's with some pride that I offer up this quote from Mr. Forrester:

"It's unfortunate that the Torricelli-Lautenberg Machine has forced the people of New Jersey through yet another embarrassing episode."

Is that masterful or pathetic on Forrester's part? Political history tells us that it can be both; witness the ascension of John Ashcroft after failing to convince voters that he could legislate as effectively as a dead man. Forget for the moment that Torricelli and Lautenberg wouldn't run a machine together if it was the last pump on the Titanic - if Forrester can cling to the above message, he'll assure himself of a plump post somewhere. For he will be that most devoutly wished-for prodigy of the new, whiny right - a Republican martyr. A victim of the vast liberal media/political conspiracy.

[Photo: Is this dreaded political weapon BACK!?]

Of course, this isn't Florida 2000 all over again. Somehow it has to be glossed over that there could not be found in all the land a single judge - not one, single, solitary state or federal judge - who would even begin to dignify Forrester's willful misreading of both the letter and the intent of New Jersey state law concerning the ballot switch. But do not be fooled, this will be glossed over. Forrester will become a poster child for the Victimized Right, the New Wimpublicans, the Coultertarians, the White Whiners, and for all the oppressed conservative underdogs who face the mighty Democratic Machine that mercilessly crushes all Republicans who would defy it (except when it comes to the House of Representatives, the White House, the Supreme Court, and the Governor's mansions in 60% of our states).

In other words, Frank Lautenberg will be the next Senator from New Jersey. But despite the fact that he'll get fewer votes and that nobody knows anything about him, Doug Forrester can't lose.

posted by Adam Felber at 12:49 PM

Monday, October 07, 2002

The Mullah Who Wasn't There

INT. A HUT NEAR TORA BORA - NIGHT

We see the interior of a small mountain hut in a tiny Afghan village.There are several people sharing a meager dinner in front of the fire: A elderly couple, several young men, a few women, some children, and Mullah Omar.

All of the sudden there's a rough knocking at the door. One of the men answers it. Four heavily armed Afghani soldiers enter. Their captain stands forward.

CAPTAIN: Okay, nobody move! We need to search this hut! Stay still!

The soldiers circulate around the cabin, peering carefully at anything and everything.

CAPTAIN: Steady, everyone. This won't take long.
OLD MAN: What are you looking for?
CAPTAIN: We have reason to believe that we have almost found the elusive Mullah Mohammed Omar.

There is a collective gasp from the family.

YOUNG MAN: He's really here?
CAPTAIN: He might be. He might just be - right over... there!

The Captain abruptly points to a corner of the hut. The children shriek.

CAPTAIN: Just kidding. Ha-ha. That's obviously just a... (looking closer) surprisingly handsome armoire.
OLD MAN: Thank you. My father collected antique furniture. He got it in Peshawar.
CAPTAIN: Really? A lot of bargains to be had there, I hear... what?

A soldier standing next to Mullah Omar is waving for attention.

SOLDIER: Sir, this man is not of this family.
CAPTAIN: Oh ho! And what might your name be, stranger?
MULLAH OMAR: I'm Mullah... Ted.
CAPTAIN: Ted, huh? What are you doing in this family's hut?
MULLAH OMAR: They took me in. I'm going to see my aunt in Jalalabad. She has rickets.

The soldiers all express sympathy for the Mullah's aunt.

CAPTAIN: Okay, well we won't troube you any further. Good night....
YOUNG MAN: What's he look like?
CAPTAIN: What - who?
YOUNG MAN: Mullah Omar. So we can look out for him.
CAPTAIN: Oh, well. Um... he has a beard.
YOUNG MAN: We all have beards.
SOLDIER: And he's got, like, brownish grayish hair.
SOLDIER #2: And I hear he's short.
MULLAH OMAR: No, I heard he's of average height. He just slumps a little sometimes.
SOLDIER #3: He's got this nose...

The Captain cuts them all off with a wave.

CAPTAIN: That's enough! So if you see anyone, um, like that, be sure to let us know. All right? All right. Let's move out, men!

The soldiers fall in and file out the door. In the corner, Mullah Omar breathes a sigh of relief.

EXT. A BARREN PLATEAU - LATER THAT NIGHT

In a cliff's shadow, a small circle of Taliban men are gathered, standing awkwardly by a fire. Some of them check their watches periodically. Guards stand posted at the perimeter.

Off towards the west, two of the guards suddenly look up as a shadowy figure approaches.

GUARD: Stop! Who goes there?
MULLAH OMAR: It's me, Mullah Omar.
GUARD: What!?
MULLAH OMAR: Mullah Mohammed Omar. Your leader. I'm here for the meeting.
GUARD: I've never seen you before in my life, mister.
MULLAH OMAR: Really, it's me. I called this meeting.
GUARD #2 (darkly): I thought Mullah Omar was shorter...

Mullah Omar slouches self-consciously, but it's too late.

GUARD: You'd better go, sir.
MULLAH OMAR: Look, it really is me. I swear it!
GUARD #2 (hefting his gun): Move it along, we said. NOW!

Mullah Omar hikes up his robes and goes off into the night, muttering and cursing. The guards look back towards the fire.

GUARD: Looks like the guys are ready to pack it in. I guess Omar's a no-show.
GUARD #2: Again. That's really frustrating.
GUARD: He must have had his reasons. Our time will come again, brother. Trust in Mullah Omar.
GUARD #2: Yeah, you're right. It's just disappointing, that's all...

posted by Adam Felber at 12:39 AM

Friday, October 04, 2002

The World Joins the Fight!
Part 6: The Subcontinent

posted by Adam Felber at 5:30 PM

Thursday, October 03, 2002

New Yorkers: Get Your Felber Fix

I should've mentioned this a few weeks ago. My fabulous sister and I are performing every Saturday Night at Ye Olde Tripple Inn once again. You can see our worst photograph but best-ever free promotional idea right here (that, dear readers, is the work of Susie).

Among the things we've cooked up for the new fall season is "Felber Beat Magazine." Please don't ask what this is about. But do drop by NYC's best dive, have a drink, take in some comedy, and be sure to introduce yourself afterwards.

posted by Adam Felber at 6:52 PM

Fleischer on Questions About Gore: "Nobody's Asking About Gore"

Asked about Al Gore's recent statements, White House spokesman Ari "Sandy Knoll" Fleischer told reporters today that "nobody pays a lot of attention to what the former vice president said" concerning President Bush and the economy.

Mr. Fleischer was referring to Mr. Gore's October 2nd speech, which drew wide and extensive press coverage from sources as politically disparate as The Washington Post and The Washington Times. Any sort of rebuttal was unnecessary, according to Fleischer, who went on to rebut Mr. Gore's economic criticism in his next sentence, touting the President's advocacy of terrorism insurance as a means to create jobs.

The irrelevant Mr. Gore (whom a Google News search turns up thousands of references to in the past month), could not be reached for comment, surrounded as he was by a phalanx of reporters.

posted by Adam Felber at 12:47 PM

Wednesday, October 02, 2002

....but the little girls will understand...

It looks like Congress has taken a firm stand and more or less given President Bush everything he wanted in terms of a War Resolution. It's a resolution that shows a Congress that cares, a Congress that wants to exhaust all diplomatic options, a Congress that wants to work with the UN....

...but not a Congress that's going to insist on any of those things. That would be impolite.

You'll note that the resolution makes sure to say that Iraq has to comply with all relevant UN resolutions. But it also makes it a point to spell out that US military action won't be tied to any sort of UN green light. It just offers Bush a warning that he must make a bunch of "determinations to Congress" that, for instance, "using military force against Iraq is consistent with and will not detract from the ongoing effort to take action against terrorists and terrorist organizations" And if he's wrong? Well, uh... nothing, really. The Resolution, as far as I can see, is simply Congress' way of saying "Call us once in a while, ya big lug. We have feelings too y'know."

As soon as Congress had had itself a good cry and headed home to take a nice long bubble bath, Bush, of course, immediately declared that "war may be inevitable" at this point. His reasoning seems to be that even if all our allies are opposed to us doing this unilaterally, once we get started, they'll all fall into line. It's pure Tom Sawyer diplomacy: Once they see how much fun we're having, why, everyone will want to join in! Our Arab allies, for example, will see the indisputable righteousness of our ways, and our international War on Terror will continue without additional complications.

Because, as we learn again and again, nothing makes friends faster than a ground war.

posted by Adam Felber at 5:24 PM

Tuesday, October 01, 2002

Mama T. in Sainthood Shocker!

"She deserved the preferential, fast track to beatification."
- Cardinal Pio Laghi

Mother Teresa now has an official posthumous miracle, speeding her already startling rush towards sainthood. Advocates of other canonization candidates expressed shock and outrage at what they termed an "obviously partisan" decision.

In all seriousness, one would have to make Mother Teresa a saint faster than most, if only to distinguish her from the rest. As this site has pointed out (most notably in this July entry), Pope John Paul II has gone a bit saint-happy in recent years, canonizing more than 450 of the li'l miracle-workers. That's more than all the other Popes combined. You wanna be in that number when the saints go marching in? Take a number.

Mother Teresa, near the end of her life (actual size)

I'd be the last to deny that these are days of miracles and wonders (how else does one explain the career of David Hasselhoff?), but some of these newer saints have highly questionable qualifications. Consider these:

Saint Jiminy - Born Augustus Kupferbourg in Dresden back in 1887, Saint Jiminy was canonized last May. His "miracles" include helping the mayor of Dresden to stop biting his nails and "healing" a particularly bad traffic jam in 1951. In 1982, a Swedish man, Pyotr Christensen, prayed to Father Kupferbourg whilst trapped in a cabin buried under a heavy snowfall. The milk in Christensen's refrigerator thereupon remained drinkable long after the expiration date, a miracle which the Pope pronounced to be "like a dairy Hannukah."

Saint DesirŽe - Sister Katherine Whittaker (1905 - 1990) was a frequent and welcome sight on the Jersey shore throughout the 50's, 60's and 70's, leading outings for her wards from the Saint Dibblet's Home for the Objectionably Loud. She is said to have worked many a miracle, including the restoration of her six year-old nephew's nose in 1975 (just moments after she had apparently taken it off in some sort of ritualistic game), and her proven ability to wash whites with colors in hot water without any bleeding whatsoever. Her face appeared on a pomegranate in 1992 on the second anniversary of her death, although she is said to have looked somewhat like a pomegranate to begin with.

Clearly, Mother Teresa needs something to set her apart from this heavenly rabble. Personally, I favor the creation of the "UltraSaint" category.

posted by Adam Felber at 5:09 PM