My Night with Cindy McCain

Fascinating. Certainly seems like Cindy McCain feels free to be Cindy McCain on Twitter. And it’s certainly not idle chatter. Lobster love her for caring and tweeting about something important in a most personable way.

Faster than a hummingbird fart? Da-yum.

Felberina, I glory in television!

If a hummingbird did in fact fart, wouldn’t it smell sort of sweet? And why would speed have anything to do with it’s physical properties?
These are the kind of questions a typical NPR listener thinks up.

This summer will be one to remember! Saturday night His Eminence Archbishop Bernard Francis Law will be in charge of the fireworks display over the Vatican in honor of the great American Independence Day Celebration. I love the smell of cordite and ammonium perchlorate in the evening!

PLUS the following Friday I get a private meeting with President Barack Obama himself. I am so thrilled! And who wouldn’t be? I’m excited as a pimply teenage boy being asked to the prom by the Homecoming Queen!

Franco Zefferelli is going to help me with the Papal decor and the sewing of a new robe in honor of Obama’s visit. Guido, Vincente and the Swiss Guards will be in charge of keeping all the pesky bishops, cardinals, and flatulent hummingbirds (When did they become such a problem?) a safe distance away. If Mama could have just lived long enough to see her little boy honored in such a way! I should probably steer clear of Slim Jims and beef jerky myself until after our meeting.

She be tried, sir; her patience, that is. And should you further insult the good lady of the Felbers, you shall try my steel!

OK, Chris. Enough with the “Gay Blade” innuendo. You’re working my side of the street here, so cut it out or prepare to “try my steel”!

And what would happen if you lit a hummingbird fart? Maybe that would be pretty cool to see.

I just heard Flora Lichtmann on SciFri, so stuff all that talk about Mediterrean sabaticals with that frog, Francoise! Flora is pure and chaste and waiting for me to find her and wisk her away to my laboratory in Saskatoon, where the instruction shall begin! Dale, a little help here, please!!!

Maybe she is about to be indicted for something. I can’t believe quitting, willy-nilly, is some how a smooth move toward the White House.

She is, as she has been since she first noticed politics, consumed with a desire to be president. This is simply her strategy, possibly at Todd’s urging, and laid out by people like Rush. If Rush can become the queenmaker, his ego, instead of being the size of red America, will be the size of Uranus, making him the biggest asshole in the universe.

One lights one’s own farts, so a humminbird would have to alight with a glowing twig in its beak and ignite its inflammable expellates. It is simply unacceptable for someone else to light one’s farts. Too perverse. Also, humminbird would have to be clothed, preferably in Levi’s, or some comparably sturdy barrier to setting its own ass on fire.

OK, I just read the Wasilla Warrior’s second statement (on Talking Points Memo), and I am forced to conclude that I have no frikkin’ idea what is going on in her life or her mind. But seh gets media, so she wins - until she loses.

“…and in very somber news, Canada’s worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Newfoundland. Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.” (tish)

After making a hasty retreat from the smoldering wreckage of our last abode, Sophie quickly used her blackberry to verify our checking account balance. She suggested that we should probably relocate to the Baltimore area as opposed to a toney Georgetown address. We spent the first day in a hotel reminiscent of the low dives of my youth.

I took comfort in the familiar trappings of abject poverty, but Sophia never warmed to the concept of sharing a room with an unruly herd of free range cockroaches. I showed her how to stuff cotton balls into her ears so they wouldn’t lay eggs in her ear canals while she slept, but that only seemed to make matters worse. That, plus I had my own angst about parking the Yukon out by the curb, with all our possessions inside. I rented a rottweiler from a local mid-level criminal, but that sum’bitch cur crapped and drooled all over the leather upholstery and chewed a huge hole in the rear seat back the very first night. I thought we had an understanding, but, as it turned out, no amount of butt sniffing or ear biting seemed to get the assignment properly formed in that dog’s flea sized brain. That’s the last rottweiler I’ll ever use.

We decided to move on and you won’t believe our good luck in finding a new place to live!

Here’s another take on the “Barracuda” from Vanity Fair that makes for interesting reading.

http://www.vanityfair.com/politics/features/2009/08/sarah-palin200908

Another thing I didn’t quit was the Air National Guard, though if I had gone AWOL, disappeared for days at a time on numerous benders, spread money around to the point of becoming a Bimbo magnet, and tried to punch out my old man, maybe I would have been president by now. It worked for W. By the way, let me just say I understand the temptation of sucker punching Poppy Bush. Google “clueless numb nuts” and 41’s portrait pops up first. Well it did, until James Baker issue a writ and made them take it down.

A duck walks into a drugstore and says, “Give me some Chapstick, and put it on my bill!”

(crickets)

Sorry, it’s been so long since I’ve posted here that I don’t have anything prepared.

It’s my understanding that hummingbirds are actually extremely gassy, and that they fly so fast just to avoid taking responsibility for their, um, output.

Da Pope duz hab art’ritis. ……Well, I’ll be damned!

I don’t know about their gassiness Ann, but I do know they take a very short time for bowel movements. That is the very reason why I suspect there is very little chance of lighting their farts.
I bet we could get Sarah to light a fart though. Maybe even her own.

Wait a minute, Pope Benny, casually hoovering opioids is not a sin? Great, now you tell me!

But in other news, Sarah just keeps hitting them out of the park, doesn’t she?

http://www.salon.com/comics/tomo/2009/07/07/tomo/index.html

Sarah Palin is “writing” a book? The mind boggles, what do you think she would write?

“Tips for the Discerning Whine Connoisseur”
“Juneau Politics: Inuit, Oil and Remodelin’ for Pennies on the Dollar”
Its companion book “Home Design Inspired by Theodore Roosevelt” (Chapter One - Baggin’ and Skinnin’ Your Own Throw Pillows and Area Rugs.)

Of course, the one I’m really looking forward to is future the tell-all to be dictated by Bristol: “Trip has Two Mommies.”*

Jim, Letterman is still hammering on Sarah every chance he gets, if that’s any comfort. I know it comforts me.

Well, what an afternoon! President Obama and his lovely wife, Michelle, were very polite, clean, and articulate and seemed to understand the basic etiquette about forks, knives, and plates. Good. That could have been embarrassing. I was right to ignore Mel Gibson’s warnings about how an Africanized Presidency, with the enthuiastic treachery of the Zionists, had usurped the reins of power in America. I will have my dear friend, Vincente, make sure Mel is no longer allowed through the front gates of the Vatican.

And, though Barack begged off of doing a flying chest bump with me (I think he wanted to, but Michelle insisted that he was much too jet-lagged), Guido must have gotten the word to him about how skilled I’ve become with that maneuver over the past two months of practice. Oh, dear, there I go again being haughty and boastful.

The President and the First Lady were gracious enough to demonstrate the much-ballihooed “terrorist fist bump”. In all honesty, it certainly looked innocent enough to me. I don’t know why the conservatives made such a big deal about it. I think I should have Vincente bar Ann Coulter from the Vatican, as well. His Eminence Archbishop Bernard Francis Law has volunteered to write Ms Coulter a letter explaining, in the most discrete of terms, this new policy. He seemed very eager to be assigned this duty. If His Eminence… were not sworn to celibacy, I would have thought he displayed a rather shameful lust for Ms Coulter. Perhaps I’m wrong about this.

Q: What did the blonde customer say after reading the buxom waitress’ name tag?

A: “Oh, that’s really neat!…….What did you name the other one?” (ba-dum! tish!)

Great Wait wait! So good to see Adam has his finger back in!

Tab Hunter is still alive? Good. I heard him on NPR Years ago. He seemed like a nice enough human being. Happy Birthday, Tab.

Is it just me, or does anyone else see a rogue wave of KKK mentality spicing up the Republican opposition to the upcoming SCOTUS hearings of Sonia Sortomayor, but this time it’s about being a woman and about that woman being a PR? I’m mainly thinking Jeff Sessions here, but Mitch McConnell and Lyndsey Graham will both have their hands in it, too.

Stand down, David. NASA just scrubbed again due to weather. They’ll try again, maybe tomorrow, maybe Wednesday. Counting this launch, there are only 8 Shuttle Missions left. Catch them when you can - weather permitting.

Oh god no. She’s unleashed the Tirebiters now.

“Back when I was growing up”??
I’ll never forgive you for this, NickGillian.

cooper,

I will be over in Titusville tomorrow repairing some rot at the corner of a screen porch for a friend. I will work it out so that I am over there at launch time. Hope this one is charm. If it is, then serendipity for me that previous attempts have all been scrubbed. Will provide full description if the bird goes up tomorrow.

StruckNickGillian, I’m glad I’m not you. The wrath of Ann…just sayin’

Settle down troops! Use your entrenching tool!

And shoes for industry!

Damn, Danger! Nancy looks great as a blonde!!!!

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a single drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

“Who is it?” calls one of the nuns.

“Blind man,” replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

“Nice tits, sisters,” says the man. “Now where do you want these blinds?” (ba-dum!)

Can you tell I went to Catholic grade school?

OK, so the weather in Titusville socks in so bad I have to quit working, and am left wondering if I will be able to see the road on the drive back to Orlando, where all hell does break loose. Meanwhile, the shuttle launches on what looked like the worst day so far. Dammit, dammit, dammit. Sorry, cooper. Hell, I’ll have to watch it on tv. Jeebus.

Perfectly understandable. Bad luck about the weather - again. NPR broke into the news updates to broadcast the final seconds of the countdown. I’ll have to toss in a couple of extra bucks during the Fall Fundraiser to repay their thoughtfulness. My-oh-my, what a pleasant sound that Shuttle makes!

For those who have a minute or so, this Top Ten from David Letterman is mildly amusing.

http://videocafe.crooksandliars.com/heather/letterman-top-ten-dick-che ney-excuses

Coop, thanks for the link. I initially read the interesting letter break in cheney’s name as “che nay,” and thought: how apropos. Perhaps that can be his new nick name.

Reporter: Did you or anyone in your office have anything to do with the outing of Valerie Plame?

Dick: Nay

Reporter: Did you orchestrate and order the secret wiretapping program that was presented to John Ashcroft as he lie in his hospital bed?

Deck: Nay

Reporter: Did you have anything to do with the formulation of the enhanced interrogation techniques and rendition program?

Dick: Nay

Reporter: Given the fact that Saddam Hussein, as admitted by your own administration, did not have anything to do with 9-11, did you cherry-pick the evidence for WMD to support your earlier claim that bringing down Saddam would help avert another 9-11?

Dick: Go F**k yourself.

cooper,
Found out one of Thor’s bigwhacks hit my cousin’s house in Oviedo (you might remember it out east of Winter Park and Goldenrod). Blew a copper water pipe apart in the floor of an upstairs bathroom. Hell of a mess.

Your friend, he’s still alive? Is he one of those folk who would jaywalk I-85?

Glad our lady senator from NC shifted to supporting the public option. She’s Walkin’ Lawton’s niece, for goodness sake, and a first class senator.

And for those readers too young to remember the exuberance and pride of landing a man on the moon forty years ago - a bit of f#@king history.

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_0wRJjXvyZ1I/Sl69P_Z4TgI/AAAAAAAAEE4/c_GwdV58 mrg/s1600-h/holyshitmoon.jpg

Pretty amazing fact there, Jim. It’s shocking, but I can’t really say I’m surprised. What demographic/age was the group made up of? (Mrs. Sapp, my 12th grade English teacher, just cursed at me from the grave for ending that sentence with a preposition. But that’s OK; she can no longer do any harm to me!)

You’re right about Cassini-Huygens, Jim. America will learn of that space mission when it’s the answer to the Daily Double on “Jeopardy” and they just don’t have a clue. “Damn, Trudy, is that right? I always thought that was one of them damn Frenchy thingamobobs.” Something like that.

In other news, I finally bought an MP3 player and learned how to download podcasts! So now I have the last three WWDTMs on my fabulous new Zune. (And it really is fab–much better than an iPod. No comparison to an iPhone, of course, but that’s apples and oranges.)

Cooper, don’t worry about Mrs. Sapp—she was wrong. It’s perfectly OK to end an English sentence with a preposition. That reminds me of a bad joke…

Joe: So, where’s the party at?
Mary: Never end a sentence with a preposition.
Joe: OK, where’s the party at, bitch!

Bad news fo’ all da fait’ful. Da Pope fell in da shower today an’ busted up his right wrist. Anselmo ran inta da Holy Fodder’s bedroom an’ come back out wit’ a quart size Mason jar fulla pills. He gabe t’ree or four o’ dem ta da Pope an’ aftuh uh liddle while, da Pope wuz feelin’ no pain, ya might say. His Eminence Archbishop Bernard Francis Law said dey wuz Tylenol, but dey sure looked uh lot like Unca Scarlotti’s Vicodin collection.

David,

By “significantly less than 5 hours” did you actually mean “slightly less than 4 hours?” Coz THAT would be motoring!

I had an aunt that was regularly busted for speeding on her way from my home town to Portland; an almost 300 mile trip she could easily cover in 3 hours. Of course, she drove a sports car provided new every year by her employer.

That and she was nucking futz behind the wheel. A fantastic driver, but nucking futz.

And that’s the way it is. {Place sad emoticon here}

Ethel loves to charge around the nursing home in her wheelchair. Due to her eccentric nature, other residents tolerate her behavior and even play along.

As Ethel speeds down one corridor, a door opens and a man steps out with his arm outstretched. “STOP!” he says in a firm voice. “Have you got a license for that thing?” Ethel fishes around in her handbag and pulls out a candy wrapper. “OK,” he says and she goes on her way.

As she rounds the next corner, another man steps in front of her and shouts, “STOP! Do you have a valid taxi medallion for your vehicle, madam?” Ethel digs into her handbag again and pulls out a beer coaster. “Looks good,” he says and sends her on her way.

Going down the final corridor, a third man steps in front of her. He is stark naked and holds an erection in his hand. “Oh no,” says Ethel, “Not the breathalyzer again!” (ba-dum tish!)

Hi guys, I mistakenly had FanAp grouped in for the comment above. Sorry. I guess you know now why I go by Zee Man. Strzałeczka!, dee. Always a joy to greet a fellow Ekspatriota Język polski.

A woman pregnant with her first child goes to see her obstetrician. After the exam, she shyly says, “My husband wants me to ask you something.

The doctor says, “I think I know what you’re going to ask — yes, sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.”

“No, that’s not it,” the woman confesses. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.” (Ba-dum!)

That sounded like my ex husband, too.

What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?

In the end, someone is going to lose a trailer. (tish!)

And, BTW, you’re right. Zee Man is easier to spell - and to pronounce correctly, as well, I would think.

Man, we’re getting mighty close to one hundred here. How ’bout we tell a few more jokes to put us over the top.

A very old woman realizes that she’s seen and done everything she’s ever wanted to and that the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.

Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.

The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the knee.

Heeeeere goes #100, but it’s not a joke. I like your postulate, Zee Man.

OK, here’s a joke. A soul brother from Birmingham and a salsa sister from San Antonio go into partnership with a restaurant in Little Rock. What to name it? Nacho Mama’s.

Hey guys–been holed up in the Inquisition archives for the last month. Did I miss anything? Something about Sarah Palin having to resign because she shot Michael Jackson?

Things are not always as they seem. After reading this week’s strip, I was hoping that maybe Jimmy would rummage through my underwear drawer again. (I wish he would. I really like that particular fetish of his!) Seems like it might be one of Sparky’s favorites, too.

http://www.salon.com/comics/tomo/2009/07/21/tomo/index.html

I recall how Ronald Reagan liked to hawk up the “Eleventh Commandment” whenever it served his purpose - “Thou shalt not speak ill of any fellow Republican.” - Genesis something:something, I believe. But I think even the Gipper would have had a stomach full of “William The Bloody” by now.

http://crooksandliars.com/john-amato/bill-kristol-imparts-his-advice-f ellow

Just remember: “Everything he says is wrong!” Act accordingly. Call or e-mail your representatives - Now is the time!

I vote for an rpg up his excrement orifice (or down his other excrement orifice). I don’t want it to explode, I just want it to scare the feces out of him (all of it). Major paycheck for some cleanup company.

Dale,
Vinnie has secret designs. He’s good hearted, but he’s also Vinnie. Just sayin’.

Vinnie, that must be some other David, or else Bill Kristol is trying to get me killed. I would never post a comment like that. And Dale knows your intentions, which are never anything but noble. Don’t take the bait from whoever posted that unfounded comment.

Which winter days, the ones when it reaches into the high 80s or the ones when it reaches into the high 30s? I go for the 80s/30s back-to-back experience. Been known to go swimming on Christmas Day because the weather was so balmy (barmy?). Guess eventually every Christmas in Florida will be balmy - and Bithlo will be a beach town, eliminating the need to drive all the way to Titusville.

Of course the St. John’s River will no longer be the answer to the question What US river flows north? But you just can’t stop progress.

Greeting citizens! I’m somewhat settled into my new circumstances which are humble by any standard, but “Hey!” that’s why the Afghans invited us here in the first place, right? They thirst for our way of life, our awesome technological advantages and our overabundance of moral rectitude. That’s what gets me out of the rack every morning at 04:30 - the chance to lead these third worlders down the straight and narrow path to blissful Western Civilization.

That and my new by-the-book Captain who is looking for the chance to kick my ass all the way back to Ft. Hood. He is sensing the need for an attitude adjustment on my part. In truth, we rubbed each other wrong from the get-go. For starters, I’m a mere sergeant - 12 years older with 15 more years of service than him. Plus he doesn’t know Ohm’s Law from Shinola yet insists on telling us how to do our job. Well, we’ll eventually reach some sort of middle ground. Or die.

In all honesty, it’s not a lot cooler here than in Iraq. That’s been a bitter personal disappointment. And while I’m bitching, the average Afghan is technologically six to eight centuries behind your typical Iraqi. This is going to be a job. Good thing I brought a footlocker full of books and Jamaican Rum with me.

And don’t give up on ragging your representative into passing the public option for health care. From a standpoint of barely adequate health insurance, the Army has me covered. But our kids need a chance to be in the middle class and you can’t be there without health care.

Enough with the politics. Peace out, brothers and sisters, until our next adventure. And somebody wake up Adam, how bout it?

Jack

Jack! Great to get an update. Sorry things aren’t cooler in Afghanistan.

As for Adam, well, if you can get the podcasts, the July 11th show featuring him, Paula & Julia Sweeney with Neko Case as the guest, was quite amusing. That may be all we get anymore.

Health care reform, I have no new insights, but I liked Elizabeth Edwards on The Rachel Maddow Show

Oh- we have cable now. Disney Channel is weird.

Jack,
You’ve got a captain who doesn’t understand that not only do veteran sergeants typically know what they are doing, they tend to be the only people in this person’s army who do? Disclaimer: I did make the rank of platoon sergeant in basic ROTC at the University of Florida back nearly half a century ago, so maybe I’m biased toward sergeants.

Continue to be safe, and be as philosophical as deployment to a country the West never should have meddled with permits.

I don’t think Obama is about to back down on the public option because without it, health care reform won’t be reform at all, but rather another example of a snafu. And the historic norm for American health care is the last thing we need to perpetuate. Been leaning as hard as I can on my rep (FL-24), a newly elected Democrat in a Republican district who unseated Tom Delay’s acolyte Tom Feeney.

Don’t worry ntoDbDn (nottheoriginalDavidbutDavidnonetheless), Vinnie has never been anything less than completely honest about his intentions. (He’d hate for me to reveal this, but the truth is he wants someone with whom he can have long intellectual discussions about Catholic history.) But in any case, I am hardly defenseless–I haven’t spent 5 years reading about Inquisition torture techniques without picking up a few hints.

Vinnie–Friday night: same time, same place as last year. But could we leave Guido behind this time?

OK, stop me if you’ve heard this one. Five Rabbis, two New Jersey big city mayors, and 37 other various representatives of your common everyday thugs, grifters, and politicians walk, handcuffed, into a police station…

http://www.reuters.com/article/newsOne/idUSTRE56M3QU20090723?pageNumbe r=2&virtualBrandChannel=0

Hidy
and thanx to Jack just now in Afghanistan. We trust your reports from “the field, AKA , in danger.”
We missed checking in on everyone ’cause we’ve been on summer vac. and haven’t checked FanAp for a while. We finally caught up reading the comments–Glad to see y’all.
(We have masses of vac. pix posted on our Flickr page–is this not the 21st century version of the horrible capitivity wherein the middle-aged [our parents then, us now] made us look at their slides?

Sally, hidy yourself. So, how does one find your Flickr page. As long as we’re WAITING FOR ADAM TO SHOW UP!!!!!, I wouldn’t mind rifling through your vacation pictures and living vicariously. We have to settle for a staycation this year, which only sets you up for the painting, the cleaning, the carpet shampooing, the drain augering, and the cleaning out the garage guilt trips. Not a thing like spending a couple of weeks in the mountains, away from the steaming city.

Have you guys heard what comes with the new Divorced Barbie doll? All Ken’s stuff, right girls? (ting!)

For you old timers out there who were fans of “The Band”, there’s a good story about Levon Helm in the current Rolling Stone. He has his voice back, has released a new CD and is enjoying life after his bout with throat cancer. (He’s still smoking blunts, which I don’t think I would do, having survived cancer, but to each his own.) “The Band” was one of my favs when I was coming of age. Levon was even in the movies - Loretta Lynn’s dad in “Coal Miner’s Daughter”, among other films.

Most of the rest of the issue is crammed with Wacko Jacko tributes, but I guess that’s to be expected.

Well, I just emailed my Senators and Representative asking for a public option for Health insurance. A fat lot of good that will do - 2 Blue Dogs and a Repug - but I’ve done my civic duty. Now I’ll go and guiltlessly enjoy a beer out on the veranda.

(Just kidding, Sally. I know it’s another SallyMutant, though that’s really kinda hard to believe. I mean, how many SallyMutants could there be anyway?)

As Top Ten’s go, this one is kind of - meh, but it is from Sarah Palin’s farewell party.

http://crooksandliars.com/bluegal/open-thread-211

Someone here ask for a joke?

A guy walks into a bar and notices a beautiful woman seated alone at a table. After an hour or so of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I join you a while?”

She slaps him hard across the face and screams “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”

The place goes silent. Everyone in the bar is staring at him now. Naturally, the guy is completely appalled and slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. “I’m really sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to humiliating situations.”

At which he springs to his feet and shouts, “What do you mean $200!?!” (tish, ba-dum!)

Yeah, David? Well this is no laughing matter!!!

http://www.salon.com/comics/tomo/2009/07/28/tomo/index.html

Unless, of course, you are America’s health insurance cartel, shamelessly buying off the legislative branch of our government. In that case, it’s f@#king hilarious!

J,TKoC,
Presidents have been the toys of the exploit-sickness-for-huge-profits crowd for almost all of my life of 67 years, beginning with their smackdown of Harry Truman. LBJ was the only politician to ever outmanuever the bastards, of course, who susequently turned Democratic calls for prescription drug relief for seniors on its head, which is what they also plan to do with health insurance mandates.

They are the gold standard for ruthless, totally self-serving disingenuousness. A nation that will tolerate what they do ain’t the brightest bulb in the global chandelier, especially a nation the majority of whose citizens do support a public option and trust the government more than the insurance companies. But a machine that powerful doesn’t really give a shit what people realize. Just give them a little extra time, and they can turn even our best impulses to their craven purposes, may they rot in hell.

Thanks for the link, Aunt Sam. Fascinating read. Love the image of the pitchfork brigade of enraged librarians. Wouldn’t otherwise have known about it.

OK, a rare clean joke…

Joe arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Peter leafs through his Big Book to see whether Joe is worthy of entry or not. He goes through the book several times and then says to Joe, “You know, I can’t see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”

“OK, there was the time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting a girl. There were about 50 of ‘em. I was really pissed, so I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron, ran straight up to the leader and smashed him in the head. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, “Leave this poor young lady alone, you sick bastards! Get out of here, before I teach you all a life lesson in pain!”

St. Peter was impressed. “Really? Wow, when did all this happen?”

Joe looks at his watch. “Hmm, lets’ see …. about two minutes ago.”

Well, you pathetic gaggle of sad sacks, how do you like our “Birther” Campaign so far? Terrific, huh?!! It’s certainly been great fun on our side of the aisle. It’s beginning, however, to look a bit threadbare, what with all the holes the liberals have shot through it, so tonight we’re rolling out the next barrage against Barack - “The Deathers”.

“What”, you limp-wristed pinko scum must be asking yourself, “is a Deather?” A Deather is one who believes that Obama’s public option health care plan is designed to give government bureaucrats the power to decide when and how our old people will die. Oh, and the Deathers also rail against taxpayer dollars being used to fund abortions.

I don’t know how the Republicans were lucky enough to attract all these mental flyweights who will believe anything that’s told to them as long as it feeds their natural paranoia, but they certainly have proven to be a surprisingly powerful weapon. All we conservatives have to do is hint that the President, with the assistance of Sonia Sotomayer, Adolph Hitler, and Vladimir Putin, want to put you, your parents and your grandparents on the nearest ice floe heading south. That way the vast left wing conspiracy won’t have to support citizens who no longer sufficiently contribute to the common good. I wonder where they get these ideas. (Snort!)

Republicans continue to prosper from the gullibility of the average American voter, so this effort is paying off in “spades” - nothing personal, Mr. President. Is this a great country, or what?!!!

Whoa!!!! Talk about acting stupidly……

http://crooksandliars.com/logan-murphy/boston-police-officer-suspended -sendi

Gobsmackingly appalling racism ….not just from the South anymore! (Yeah, like it ever was “just from the South”.)

Wienie Warning!!!

Douglas Holtz Eakin was on the Diane Rheme Show this morning. Susan Page was subbing for Diane, which was immediately obvious from the free range Dougie was given. No challenging follow-ups from the host, no body slams against the wall to keep Holtz-Eakin from spewing anti-liberal bile and from lying with every breath. I hope Diane is enjoying her vacation and I hope she’s back real soon.

Speaking of bringing “talent” up from the minor leagues, David Shuster sat in for Keith Olbermann last week or at least he did until Thursday night, when the final guest was WWDTM’s own Charlie Pierce. Mr. Pierce was brought onto the program to shill his new book, “Idiot America”, and also to give his take on current events. David took umbrage with Charlie’s response to the first question. From then on David was throwing snark, being argumentative, interrupting Charlie’s responses, talking over Charlie, getting up in Mr. Pierce’s grill and, in general, being a total dick.

I would imagine Mr. Pierce is not very amenable to this sort of treatment, but he held his temper and remained classy throughout the interview. (I think I did, however, detect wisps of smoke wafting from Charlie’s ears there at the end.) The next night, Richard Wolffe was the host and David Shuster was sent back to the Grapefruit League, perhaps to do the weather for the NBC affiliate in Apalachicola.

David Shuster better hope he is never in the same elevator with Charlie. I’m sure a jury of Charlie’s peers would reach a verdict of justifiable homicide and let him walk.

Lived in NYC summers of ‘64 and ‘65, Zee Man. Worked at the Rheingold Little Old New York pavillion at the New York World’s Fair, so I want a cold Rheingold.

Okay, we’ve been staring at the same post for a month now. So, what color are Cindy McCain’s eyes? No fair looking.

Hi guys! Did you miss me?!!!! No……….?

Anyways, here’s a bit of guerilla theatre from Rep Anthony Weiner, D-NY. He introduced a bill onto the House floor to abolish Medicare. In order to defeat this bill and save Medicare, the Republicans were forced to go on record as voting for “Socialized Medicine”. Where has Raul Emmanuel been keeping this guy, anyway?

http://videocafe.crooksandliars.com/heather/rachel-maddow-show-calling -republicans-blu

“…..Some people wanna fill the world
with silly blonde jokes.
And what’s wrong with that?
I’d like to know, ’cause here I go again….”

A blonde canvassed a wealthy neighborhood looking for odd jobs. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anything for her to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”

“How about $50?”

The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. About an hour later, the blonde came to the back door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already?” he asked.

“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

“And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

The part of today’s WWDTM that blew me away was Peter Sagal’s slip, when he referred to Chuck Barris as the founder of “The Dong Show”! Yes - I heard it! It isn’t that I don’t believe Peter would say such a thing, I’ve seen the live shows, Peter will say anything that comes into his head. But - they left it on the tape! Amazing!

Not that I’m shilling for my own photographs, but I now have a SmugMug account, if anybody’s interested you can find it at http://hedera.smugmug.com. I’m still working on my photographs from Yellowstone last summer, Mendocino last winter, and New York this June, so check back from time to time for new stuff.

Sarah Palin’s farewell speech was a real time narrative of her personal acid trip? I believe it!

BTW, I am not, regrettably, a redhead. But I had you fooled there for a while, right?

Hello everyone. I’ve been lost in baseball, avoiding the news as much as possible. My Tigers are in first place in the AL Central, but only because the rest of the division sucks. But it’s still a winning season so far, and it’s still baseball.

And the weather in NC has been quite lovely, especially when compared to what you poor people in the Northwest are going through. Should we send fans?

Ok, who can spot the error in the first version of the movie poster for the soon to be released film Moon?

950,000 miles from home, the hardest thing to face is yourself!

Jeez, you’d think they would hire science consultant or Google it or something, wouldn’t you?

Boomer, where do you get the idea that I’m a redhead?? I looked again at the photo on my SmugMug site, to be sure, and I’m my usual brown-haired self. Not that I wouldn’t be honored to be included in the gallery of FA redheads (including the sainted Edith) - but it ain’t so.

Do you ever look back on your life and regret a decision you made in haste? It could be worse.

http://www.ktla.com/community/photos/ktla-bad-tattoos-gallery,0,316117 5.photogallery

OK, well, I have children, so I haven’t traveled anywhere that interesting in awhile, but this is one of my favorite websites to go to on a daily basis: http://www.wolfpark.net/

Monty posts fresh pictures EVERY day, usually of wolves, coyotes &/or foxes, but occasionally also of vegetables & flowers.

Well, after all, Obama is a politician….

http://www.salon.com/comics/tomo/2009/08/04/tomo/index.html

It’s Pat!, yeah, I had a feeling about you. Two of my brothers are left handed, so I vicariously feel your pain. Short? That I can’t help you with. Sorry.

Ready for some Indiana humor - assuming there is such a thing, and assuming Bobby Knight would go to heaven, and assuming there is a heaven? Ok, I’ll stop here. The joke…

Bobby Knight, after living a full life, passed away. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded IU flag in the window. “This house is yours for eternity, Bobby,” said God. “This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here.”

Bobby felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a three-story mansion with a black and gold sidewalk, 50-foot tall flagpole with an enormous Purdue flag and, in every window, a Boilermaker logo.

Bobby looked at God and said “God, I’m not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was a good coach, I won 3 NCAA titles, 600+ games and I even went to the hall of fame. So why does Gene Keady get a better house than me?”

God chuckled and slapped him on the back. “Bobby, that’s not Gene Keady’s house, it’s mine!” (ba-dum-dum tish ba-dum!)

One last thing and I’m out of here. A link to roger’s blurb about Erik Prince:

http://crooksandliars.com/logan-murphy/sworn-testimony-ex-blackwater-e mploye

Jim and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year and each time they went, Jim would say, “Martha, I’d like to ride in that airplane.” And every year Martha would say, “I know Jim, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”

One year when Jim and Martha were at the fair Jim said, “Look, Martha, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year, I may never get another chance.”

Martha replied, “Jim, that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”

The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a single word, the ride is free, but if you as much as make a peep, it’s ten dollars.”

Jim and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was said. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Jim, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”

Jim replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.” (Ba-dum)

My hair is now light brown/sort of whitish/darker with red overtones when wet. It used to turn so blonde during the summers of my teens that I was accused of bleaching it. Last year, I found a WWII ration coupon book filled out by my father when I was 6 months old. Color of hair: red. My sweetie Robyn’s hair is red, and she fits Bruce Springsteen’s homage to his wife.

May Erik Prince get the rewards he so richly deserves. I favor life imprisonment without possibility of parole in a facility that includes Muslim inmates. Not that I know for a fact that he is guilty, and he deserves a fair trial. Boy does he deserve a trial.

hedera, love the SmugMug, and the quality of your commentary qualifies you for membership in whatever gallery you choose.

Have no useful advice regarding tattoos. Never found them appealing except when part of some indigenous tradition stretching back to some distant aspect of the evolution of humankind. Think most of them are ugly, often garish, and without cultural resonance or redeeming significance. Your perspective is correct, cooper. Most people will hate what they did to themselves with all of those tattoos like 30 or 40 years earlier in their lives. They almost demand that one not even think about oneself at age 60 and beyond.

I imagine there are some very attractive tattoos out there. I’ve just never seen one.

Ben Stein: …Bueller? …Bueller? …Bueller?
Simone: Um, he’s sick. My best friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who’s going with the girl who saw Ferris pass out at 31 Flavors last night. I guess it’s pretty serious.
Ben Stein: Thank you, Simone.
Simone: No problem whatsoever.
Ben Stein: …Hughes? …Hughes? …John Hughes?
Simone: Um, he’s dead.
Ben Stein: Damn. He was so young!

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone’s amazement, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!”

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I’ll pay for everything.”

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he’s in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.

“No, what?” replied the guy. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!” said the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first.” (ba-dum, tish!!)

Oh and Boomer, good joke, man.

I guess they failed at “making the pie higher,” Jay.

At this point it should no longer amaze me when people vote against their own self-interests. I think one of the reasons the Republicans were so successful with their message wasn’t their message as all — it was the perception that they were the “winners” and if you wanted to be a “winner” you would get on board. Advertising was built on that concept, and the Republicans presented themselves as the cool kids that everyone wanted to be in with. It’s easy to do when you lie and say “Vote for me and everything will be just peachy.”

I still believe Barack Obama understands nuance and complexity. The trouble is, we are a nation of American Idol watching sheep with the attention spans of a housefly, so the message is lost. As much as it pains me, I think the Democrats have to simplify their message, and the Big Bad Insurance Companies Are Against Health Care Reform Because They Are Greedy may work.

Antelope freeway, one eighth mile!

On the East coast, the weekend has definitely started! In honor of this happy moment in time…

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.

The blonde replies, “I’m young, blonde and beautiful, and I’m going to sit here all the way to LA.”

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blonde replies, “I’m young, blonde and beautiful, and I’m going to sit here all the way to LA.”

The captain decides not to cause a commotion and returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says, “No problem. I have a blonde girlfriend. I’ll take care of this.” He then goes back and briefly whispers into the blonde’s ear.

She immediately gets up, says, “Thank you so much,” hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant watched in amazement. “OK, how’d you do it?”

“Simple. I just told her that the first class section isn’t going to LA.” (ba-dum!!! Tish!)

A man on vacation walks into a crowded bar down in Alabama and orders a beer. The bartender hands him a bottle. “You ain’t from ’round here, are ya boy?”

“No, I’m from Pennsylvania.”

“Oh yeah? Welcome to Alabama! What sort of work do you do in Pennsylvania?”

“I’m a taxidermist.” says the man.

“What in the hell is a tax-e-derm-ist?”

“Well, I mount dead animals.”

“It’s okay, boys!”, the bartender hollers out to everyone in the bar. “He’s one of us!” (ba-dum!!! rimshot!!!)

A mouse is trapped int the corner of a low-rent kitchen when he finally calls up to the cat’s owner and says “Hey lady! If you pull this cat off of me I’ll give you three wishes!”
The woman stops heating up her soup on the stove and thinks “What have I got to lose?” She picks up the cat and sets it on a stool. She thinks for a while and says”I wish I had a million dollars right here on the table.” POOF! There was the money.
“I wish I had a new car!” POOF! The keys are there on the table and she can see the car out on the street.
“Only one more” she thinks to herself, and after a long deliberation:
“I wish this cat was a handsome prince, in bed with me.” POOF!
She’s in bed with a handsome prince, and the mouse is nowhere to be found.
The prince leans back, stretches, and says:

“I bet you wish you hadn’t had me fixed now, don’t ya?”

Really. I don’t know why you guys find it soooo hard to push past the 200 mark. It’s not like this is some sort of Sisyphean task, like putting Mars flies in a Klein bottle or anything. No. It’s just this little chromium switch….

There! See? There’s nothing to it.

A man walks into a bar and sits down next to an extremely attractive woman. He immediately looks at his watch.

She says, “Is your date late or something'’

He says, ‘’Oh, no it’s nothing like that. I just bought this magic watch from the guy down the block.'’

“What does your watch do that is so amazing?” asked the lady.

“It tells me what is happening right now, at this very second.”

“Oh, really? What does it saying is happening,” asked the lady.”

“It says you’re not wearing panties.”

“Ha! You got ripped off, mister. Your watch is wrong, I do have panties on.”

He glances at the clock on the wall. “Oh, there’s the problem. This watch is one hour fast.” (Rimshot!!!)

There is no joke I could post here that would top the Bluff the Listener segment this week (esp. the listener’s reply!). Don’t miss it, folks. Also the last caller on Car Talk was pretty funny. It’s good to be back home!

Yo, Doc. Ya back in da States? Jeez, Dale, ya takin’ “Fashionably Late” ta uh whole new level dere, sis. I gotta a hotel room across da street f’om da restaurant an’ waited fo’ uh week. (I waited on da beach durin’ da day, so it wuzn’t no total loss.) By den, I figured ya musta got lost or sumpin’.

I hadda get back to da Vatican aftuh all dat time. Anselmo wired me dat da Pope wuz really wired an’ ta get back ASAP. Good t’ing I did, coz as soon as I arrived, I hadda put out a curtain fire dat couda burned down da Holy See. Da Pope had His Eminence Archbishop Bernard Francis Law, Archbishop Emeritus o’ Boston ta capture an’ release 36 hummingboids in his bedroom an’ da Pope wuz runnin’ behind dem boids wit’ uh gas grill butane lightuh. He said he wuz doin’ some sort ov ‘xperiment an’ accidently set da curtains on fire. I calmed him down an’ got him ta lay down in da bed.

Aftuh I got him tucked in, I sat down buhside da bed an’ tol’ him about bein’ in Spain an’ how ya didn’t nevuh show up an’ how good da octopus wuz at dat restaurant an’ about da warm sea an’ gentle breezes an’ he wuz fas’ asleep in about t’oidy seconds.

Ouch, Vinnie, I felt that one all the way down here on the edge of the Green Swamp. Sounds like an experience I once had that involved Cold Duck - well, I’m told I did. No tattoo, however.

denny, I ain’t no man, man….

“God,” asked Adam, “why did you make Eve so amazingly beautiful?”

“So you would love her.”

“OK, that makes sense and thank you, by the way. But why did you have to make her so dumb?”

“So she would love you.” (tish!!!)

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons.

“I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. After several beers, the man stood up again and made another offer.

‘’I'll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back.

“I’ll try,'’ said a small blonde woman, ‘’but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.” (Ba-dum ba-dum tish!!!!)

I wish Adam would return but I’m really enjoying these jokes. Keep them coming guys!

Hey waterfowler! Well the boy came back from Iraq and she flew out to Colorado to be with him at his brother’s wedding. They played tourist in the Rockies for about a week and then drove across country back to Charlotte. By the time they got to town, they decided they really pretty much hated each other and broke up. Now that’s what old Dad calls “quality time”.

So Alyson never had the pleasure of spending July in Killeen. She’s back in Greensboro getting ready for fall semester. Such is life.

Got any good jokes to add?

Antelope Freeway, one sixteenth mile!

The local newspaper had a story on the front page about our junior Senator, Him Demented, proclaiming him to be a one man wrecking crew, cutting out the heart of Obama’s health care plan and stomping on it. The writer compared Him to NC’s infamous Senator “NO!”, Jessie Helms. If that weren’t such an accurate match, I’d be plenty steamed right about now. Jessie Helms was an evil, ignorant, and racist asshole. I was raised not to speak poorly of the dead, but I’m sure I’ll get a pass from Mom on this one.

Add geopolitically homicidal, gillian. He was best buds with Augusto Pinochet. And a dead asshole bastard sonofabitch might be dead, but his asshole bastard sonofabitchery lives on, and so one is justified in villifying him for as long as anyone remembers who he was and what he did, especially since there are still way too many Carolinians who think he done good. Only Joe McCarthy could match Jesse Helms for making my skin crawl, and Jesse was worse because he continued to be embraced.

I am beginning to return to my earlier days when I held the Senate in utter contempt because the evil, ignorant, racist asshole senators could destroy attempts to make America a just place, and they could do it with impunity. Richard Russell was a classic example of such a southern senator. Gentlemanly, etc., etc., but a racist to the core who would not even permit federal legislation criminalizing lynchings, because he wanted to preserve the “noble Southland” in his misshapen mind.

Brian, those idiot notions of heritage aren’t even reality-based, let alone worthy of respect. Perfect example: the stars and bars in the Georgia state flag. Heritage, hell, it was added in the 60s in defiance of integration. And while as a youngster in the 50s I took pride in Dixie, there was no denying that the stars and bars were co-opted by the KKK and White Citizens Councils as racist war banners. Any possibility of “respecting the heritage” was utterly destroyed, and there is no resurrecting a rebel flag for any other purpose than misguided, misanthropic defiance.

God love Steve Spurrier for saying the State of South Carolina should take the damned thing down. He grew up in the 60s, and he knows it represents the assassinating of Medgar Evers, MLK, Jr., and too many others to recount here. It is a banner of hatred-spawned violence, and can never be cleansed of that fact. All one has to do is watch who flies it, when, and why. It is a very sad ugliness, especially for anyone with deep Southern roots.

Maybe next we could all fly the war banners of the calvary members who decimated our Native American peoples. I was appalled when Colin Powell started pushing for honoring the Buffalo Soldiers. They were simply Blacks who got talked into killing Native Americans. A source of pride? Sweet Jesus.

But in really important news:

Porcello: 1
Youkilis: 0

Jake, have you SEEN Rick Porcello? Only thing he’s juicing on are Flintstone Chewables.

I’m not normally a fan of brawls in baseball, but last night’s was rather satisfying. When you force Miguel Cabrera out of the game after hitting him on the wrist, that calls for something in return. And the replays of Porcello taking down Youkilis are priceless.

Absolutely all of the above, gregory. I do think I’ve been reading too many of those examples of it not mattering the order of the letters in a word so long as the first and last letters are correct. Or else this was a subconscious slip, because it was in the name of Calvary that the cavalry did what it did - make that the + and the $. Ah, Judaeo-Christian religion and the rise of rapacious expansionist capitalism. Columbus slaughtered the Arawak for the glory of God, at least according to Columbus and company.
Besides, his dogs had to eat, as did his god$.

Sweet corn of what provenance, Aunt Sam? We could get it going right here on FA over who grows the best sweet corn. I am a Floridian and cut my chompers on Zellwood sweet corn, but when I was in graduate school I experienced Jersey corn (and tomatoes). This could get lively. North Carolina silver queen is, after all, to die for.

Boy, I bet her arms were tired, huh Cooper.
(Groan)

Ever skip the boiling water and eat the corn raw, cooper?

It’s Pat!, are we there (at Antelope Freeway) yet?

Aunt Sam– I’ve always used Benadryl, and my wife suggests tobacco, from a cigarette, but you have to use your spit, not water, to moisten the poultice. Something about the juices in the tobacco causes the swelling to go down, or maybe pulls out the venom. It’s a home remedy that has been frequently used in these parts, as we seem to have a lot of that stuff growing here.
Oh– and witch hazel works well, too. It’s a a lot like rubbing alcohol, but smells better. Good luck. When I was a kid one stung me on the side of my toe and I swelled up to my knee. I feel your pain.

(Groan.)

Oh yeah. Yellow jacket stings…. well, when I can’ find my auto-injector of epinephrine, I usually put meat tenderizer on the area of the sting. No, wait, that’s for jellyfish stings. Sorry. It works great for jellyfish stings, though.

I’m guessing that in Chicago you don’t get a lot of jellyfish stings…yet. But give global warming a chance to work its magic. Jellyfish will be in the Great Lakes before you know it! And what a miserable addition to the fauna that turns out to be.

Are we there yet?

Aunt Pat, Jimmie’s lookin’ kinda green. He found a pack of peanuts between the seat and the seat back a little while ago and he ate them. I ate one, too.

He better not hurl on me. This is my new dress! Jimmy turn the other way!!!

Oh no you don’t! Not on me either!!

Aunt Pat, Frankie’s rolling down the window. Is that okay?

I wanna walk! Stop the car!!!

Now Frankie’s holding his stuffed rabbit out the car window by the ear.

Let me out! I want to walk! Stop the car, Aunt Pat!

Aunt Pat, Frankie has turned Jimmy’s head toward me and now he’s punching Jimmy in the tummy!

Liar! Liar! Pants on fire!!

STOP DOING THAT!!!!!

I don’t feel so good, Aunt Pat. Maybe we should stop. I need to get out for a minute.

Jimmy’s right. He’s turning greener!

Quit punching him in the stomach, Frankie!

Yeah, Frankie. Stop punchin’ me.

Oh no!!!! Aunt Pat, I was holdin’ Bunny out side the window, so he can get some air and his ear tore off and now all I have is his ear. Stop the car, I see Bunny. He’s in the mud hole by that driveway next to the big dog. Stop, Aunt Pat! We gotta get Bunny! Oh no, the big dog found Bunny and he’s ripping it apart!!!!

Are we there yet?

Aunt Pat, you’re gonna buy me a new Bunny, that’s all I can say!

Stop punching me Frankie! I don’t feel well at all.

Jimmy let one!

I did not!!!! OK, I did. But if you don’t stop punching me, I’m gonna punch you. I might do it anyway.

Can I roll down the other window, Aunt Pat?

Ow!!! A June bug flew in the window and hit me right in the eye!

Frankie, the bug’s on your lap. Give it to me and I’ll put it down Cindy’s dress!

Ow!!! My eye! I might be blind. Now I’ll have to beg for pennies on the street. Can I have a dog, Aunt Pat. All blind people need dogs.

Jimmy, get away from me with that bug. I’ll scratch your eyes out! Then both you and Frankie will be blind and you’ll have to take turns with the dog.

Frankie, we could work both sides of Main Street and make tons of money! Dibs on the bench in front of the bakery.

NO FAIR!! I want that bench!

Well tough titties, Frankie! I called it first! Nanny nanny naa naa!

Jimmy said “titties”, Aunt Pat.

1/64th of a mile to the Antelope Freeway!

1/128th of a mile to the Antelope Freeway!

1/256th of a mile to the Antelope Freeway!

…

Jerry, a sig I’ve been using for years says:

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

(Ba-dum! tish!)

So the idiots win. All the screaming about “death panels”, something that wasn’t even in the bill, has sent Congress running for cover. A new benefit to allow payment for consultation about end of life care scuttled by Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh. The lunatics really are running the asylum.

But then there was the brave Congressman who offered an amendment to eliminate Medicare, just so he could get the R’s on record supporting government run health care. We need more like him.

Jay

I’ve suspected for some time that Chuck Grassley was a worthless pile of canine fecal matter. Finally the man has decided to prove that I was correct. He also suffers from power lust and a wildly overblown sense of his own meritoriousness. I read that he is so far gone that he is hawking Glenn Beck’s dreck.

Fascinating how easy it is for the demagogues to frighten middle America. We are absolutely not the brightest polity in the geopolitical chandelier.

gillian, dear? is the bloom off the rose? I know exactly why I have a blender.

And a man.

I have neither a man nor a blender. Coincidence?

Dale, you don’t need a blender.

A woman of your stature and accomplishment is probably looking for someone of an equal station in life. Who wouldn’t? But let me tip you off to something about men that you could not have learned while studying 18 hours a day for the past ten years. This is it - men are just very large boys. You may have set the bar too high. We have our pluses but assume there will be unintelligible minuses. Expect much less from us and you won’t be (as) disappointed.

There you are. You’re welcome. Now, who’s your buddy?

“If you cut us, do we not bleed?” Hmmm….. not a bad line. Of course, I could go for double entendre for those reading this in the future. “If you prick us, do we not bleed?” Yeah, that’s better, but it still needs something.

………

I’ve got it!! “If you prick us, do we not bleed, if you tickle us, do we not laugh? if you poison us, do we not die? and if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?” Not my best line, but not too shabby either. I’ll hang onto it for now. The trick is finding the right moment to use it. Not to worry, I’m a Jew - something will come along.

Thanks for the tip, Zeke. I share your analysis of most men, but I think you have misdiagnosed my situation. The reason I don’t have a blender or a man is that I don’t particularly want one. I like to chew my food, and as for men, my annual fling with Vinnie tides me over pretty well. (If I portray myself as a desperate spinster in some of my comments, it’s just because the content spinster never gets any laughs.)

Personnally, I use a food processor to make salsa (I make the cooked and canned version), and a blender to make my daiquiries.

Well, perhaps of which we were introdused, It is Pat!……

I can’t believe it. Those goddam bloodsucking barricudas repo-ed my goddam boat - “The Hammer Down”!!!! OK, so I was 34 a few months late with their retainer payments. They stole it in the middle of the night and trailered the sumbitch to their summer compound on Lake Havasu. I’ve got nine months to pay them for services rendered before they sell my baby on ebay.

Well the joke’s on them. With the help of my lovely, conniving, mercilessly backstabbing daughter, Dani, we have Plan B already up and running,. (I’m awful proud of Dani. She has been one of my better students, although admittedly, not even in the same league as my long lost protege, that scumbag Lemuel.) We’ll be hauling in shiploads of money before the end of the year. OK, here’s the plan - I’m competing on “Dancing With The Stars”. Goddammit, quit laughing. I can actually dance real good, thank you. And I’m not just talking about line dancing or the Texas Two Step.

Aw hell, don’t take my word for it - which I’m sure you never would, you f*@kin’ pinko Wobblies. See all the nice things the Washington Post has to say about me.

http://voices.washingtonpost.com/sleuth/2009/08/tom_delay_dances_back_ into_the.html

Damn, it will be good to be back in the spotlight again!!

David,

I understand and share your frustration, but I believe the vast majority of the problem lies in how the “debate” was framed. There was broad and popular support for the health plan before the insurance company funded teabaggers, astroturfers and deathers entered the echo chamber. Those town hall events make for good TV, but bad policy. Particularly when the reporting doesn’t expose the obvious and absurd lies being touted. Of course I don’t expect Fox News* to actually report facts, but I do expect better from CNN, MSNBC, et al.

Suddenly support for the plan drops and angry misinformed John and Jane Q. Public are writing angry letters to their reps asking them to vote against the health plan (and their own self interests).

On the other side though, I don’t recall any articles exhorting those of us who support the health care plan to also write our representatives.

*Of course, it doesn’t help that Fox News is a strictly partisan and one-sided political commentary network (rather than an actual news network).

OMG. I’m trying to skim backwards about the important things like men and blenders and stuff, and I keep getting hit in the face with Shakespeare quotes and jellyfish.

Good point, Pat. That’ll teach Chris to read backwards.

Actually, I believe we have a quite good position for you, Dale - a career of great import and service to your nation (and one that will be splendidly rewarded, if I have anything to say about it).

You shall be phoned up within the next fortnight from a Miss Jane Moneypenny, take the call straight away and speak softly into the receiver - sdrawkcab, fo esruoc. Oaic, Semaj.

So, I get e-mails from MoveOn.org and Organizing For America, and they DID ask me to write my congressman, call/visit his office, etc. There were no town halls near here, and, honestly, I don’t know if I could stand to be in the same room with that much crazy. But I did write to my rep. and the illustrious Roland Burris.

I heard about a guy named Adam and his Felbernauts. I was told he can frequently be found around here… Anybody seen or heard from him? He’s incredibly funny, I hear, and I could use a good laugh…

Adam is MIA, Brian. Sorry you weren’t here soon enough to marvel at his talent and unequaled brilliance. He seems to have been sucked into the evil vortex that is Hollyweird. Or he stumbled into the La Brea Tar Pits, which are in his neighborhood, near his house, as I understand.

Waterfowler, I’m guessing you are an intelligent guy and you don’t really believe in all this right wing nuttery that you share with us on a regular basis. All these harangues about Government takeover of banks, financial systems and the auto industry - you just have to ask yourself - How well has deregulated free market capitalism been working for us lately? Not so good, most Americans would say.

The way I see it, the Federal Government has thrown those industries a rope so they don’t make like lemmings and totally run off the cliff. When these sectors of the economy are back on solid ground and standing on two feet again, they are encouraged to let go of the rope. An old cowboy like you must surely appreciate the value of a good rope at times. Go easier on the Kool aid, blood.

Elad! Uoy ezama em.

Ym nevele raey dlo rethguad stnaw ot ekat Nital. Od uoy kniht I dluoc ekaf reh tuo htiw siht dna evas sderdnuh yb ton gniyub Attesor Enots?

Chris (#278). DUUUUDE!! Really bad Jamaican Patios, brother! Maybe if you take a couple of tokes off my cigar….

Sirhc, I dah eht emas aedi nehw I koot nital a elpuoc fo sraey oga. On kcul. Hguohtla sti gnitseretni taht ni eht laveidem semit, eno fo eht tsom nommoc sgnis fo noissessop cinomed saw deridesnoc ot eb gnikaeps ni nital htituow gnivah denrael ti, dna neht ni Eht Tsicroxe I kniht eht dessossep lrig ekops sdrawkcab. Os ebyam ereht si a noitcennoc.

Zee Man, maybe you’re the reincarnation of Leonardo.

Or, more likely, Dale is.

At what point in the enjoyment of a particular property does the absentee landlord/owner lose title to said property and the actual tenants/squatters claim title by right of continuous usage? 300 posts? More? Any lawyers out there?

j/k Adam. We miss you. Anybody for sending out a search party?

Zee Man (#59)

Not necessarily, but it does mean that (warning obscure literature reference ahead) “Everything in this book may be wrong.”

Any takers?

Jay

Yeah, Sally, I’m glad Tom held back that info until after Al was sworn in because after you a member of the US Senate, you can have affairs with campaign workers, have random gay sex in airport restrooms, and hire hookers without any consequences. What’s a little LSD between Senators anyway?

Aunt Sam,

Fanny apparently doesn’t like analog books, but it appears she failed to flip a crucial switch because I can see your moderated comment.

Or did you get a choice for a “public option” for the moderation queue.

It’s fine with me to have tomorrow’s headline read “Scots Invoke ‘Compassionate Release Law’ to Free Lockerbie Terrorist”. Aye, we are a compassionate lot…..well, we can be…..OK, we’re not. But this way, we don’t have to pay for his end of life care. Bloody ‘ell! We are Scots after all.

When it comes to exposing Lies (And the Lying Liars Who Tell Them), I can think of no one who does a better job than Jon Stewart.

http://videocafe.crooksandliars.com/heather/daily-show-jon-stewart-tak es-deather-origi

BTW, Keith Olbemann says she didn’t resign, she was fired. A fitting end to the birther of Deathers. To go on to the Daily Show, get verbally sucker punched for the entire interview, and then to be fired, all in the same 24 hour period - priceless.

Another glorious summer day in the SC Lowcountry. Jimmy is cranking on the ice cream churn, whipping up some blueberry ripple. He swears it’s to die for. We’ll find out in a few more hours. Speaking of ripple, Jimmy’s biceps and abs are certainly getting pumped up from all the cranking. Oh my! I should probably get him a shirt to put on……or not.

Mada, ekat llaa eht emit ouy deen. A gib ssol nac peek uoy yawa morf ruoy dlo stnuah rof emos emit. Eb llew.

Okay, I’m addicted.

Unfortunately I can´t READ backwards, so I’m as knotted up as the rest. Plus, and I hate to be a downer on post 300, but I have to rant:

WTF JOSEPH LIEBERMAN??? We can’t do health care reform now BECAUSE OF THE ECONOMIC CRISIS???? Right, because when an unprecedented-in-recent-history-number of people are unemployed and thus have lost whatever paltry health care they might have had, and at the same time have less money and are more stressed, that would be a TERRIBLE time to focus on health care. That would be like jumping to curb pollution while we are still in the middle of this global warming crisis! Silly Democrats!

Ti ´t’nseod ekam esnes sdrawrof ro sdrawkcab.

OK, hedera. Can’t bring myself to intentionally cause you a headache. I have done battle with some pretty godawful headaches, so I don’t take that possibility lightly.

Dale, Joltin’ Joe has his head so far up his ass that a glass navel is indicated to facilitate his being able to see where he is going.