Aahh, summertime. It used to mean re-runs on television. Now it means “Unbelievably harebrained reality shows” on television. The theory being that they’re actually cheaper to produce than re-runs (damned unions) and that if you give an infinite number of monkeys an infinite number of Reality TV Buzzword Fridge Magnets, the will eventually create a few shows that will survive past Labor Day.
Let’s see: “Celebrity.” “Water tank.” “Humiliation.” “Dating.” “Survival.” Hmmm. Welcome to “Who Wants to Marry a Star: Shark Tank Edition!”
Good monkey!
If you’re a politics fan, you are now wondering why Hillary had to be in such a hurry to withdraw. Because now has begun the season of Completely Predictable Headlines, stories that monkeys could have written for Summer ‘08 back before there were nominees, just using a monkey-friendly “find and replace” function to insert the proper names. Here are a few that I’ve found. Feel free to report you own below.
Many Hollywood celebrities rally behind Obama
McCain praises NAFTA in lively defense of pact
Obama, Clinton to campaign together next week
McCain, Helped by Republican Party, Has More Money Than Obama
See? Replace the nominees’ names with “Giuliani” and “Clinton,” and all of the above headlines still work. Even the third one.
But be careful what you wish for - the next “real” story will be the completely predictable “surprise” “eruption” of some hitherto unrecognized Dark Secret in Obama’s past, something that - by association at least - establishes him as too corrupt, too green, and much, much too black to qualify for the highest office in the land.
It might take a few attempts to find the right one, but such a story is scheduled to surprise us some time before the Olympics. Gentlemen, start your monkeys….
Fanny Roborat
35 comments
Zee Man
June 21, 2008 at 12:56 pm
1How about: “Obama sucker-punched as a six year old in kindergarten playground brawl - Proves he’s not ready to negotiate with Iran.”
Samuel
June 21, 2008 at 2:37 pm
2“Tom DeLay - In Your Heart, You Know He’s Right” (about now fixin’ to get convicted of conspiracy and money laundering charges.)
Doc Nagel
June 21, 2008 at 2:59 pm
3No headline for you, sorry.
I just wanted to offer thanks for describing reality TV shows as “harebrained,” a word which is sadly underrepresented in contemporary usage.
A. Bunker
June 21, 2008 at 6:27 pm
4“damn unions” is right, Adam. I don’t usually agree wit’ your pinko Wobbly politics, but ain’t that the trut’. The damn unions have been infiltratin’ Hollyweird for decades, huh?
Obama-san
June 21, 2008 at 7:05 pm
5Obama just redesigned the presidential seal.
Isn’t that neat? It makes it easier to see him behind the presidential seal!
I like Obama. He’s smart. He knows how to make us see and feel things without us knowing why. That is the mark of a great leader!
SallyMutant
June 21, 2008 at 9:36 pm
6The local news affiliates started tonite. Attacked Obama for “flip-flopping” on public finance for his campaign. Mentioned that he was raising a great deal of money, did not mention that a large proportion of that is raised in small amounts from the grassroots. Mentioned that a lot of the money is going for TV ads, did not mention the 50 state strategy that is giving Demos in swing and red states hope of making a difference.
Jake
June 22, 2008 at 5:42 am
7Sally, I guess we know which of the affiliates in your viewing area did not get a piece of the Obama advertising pie.
sharon
June 22, 2008 at 8:17 am
8Completely Predictable Headlines:
“Both of Michelle Obama’s Parents Were Black Americans”
“Michelle Obama Attended Exclusive All-Black Grade School”
“Michelle Obama Doesn’t Have Time To Bake Cookies”
“Cindy McCain Spends Weekends in Her Sub-Zero-, Viking-Equipped Kitchen”
And of course the perennial…
“Underaged Starlette Poses Nude”
just plain Jack
June 22, 2008 at 8:49 am
9Hey, Sharon. Or “Cindy McCain Spends Weekends in Her Sub-Zero-, Viking-Equipped Kitchen, Reading Other People’s Dessert Recipes and Claiming Them as Her Own on the McCain 2008 Campaign Website. Again!”
(Oh, and the “Underage Starlette Poses Nude” - which publication is that……?)
gillian
June 22, 2008 at 10:05 am
10Jimmy finally replaced the the over head light bulbs in his hallway - they’ve been out since I moved in next door - and was painting the walls of the hallway with a warm light beige latex with an eggshell finish, which I find quite appealing and a huge improvement over flat black. Since the lights were finally on in the hall, I discovered another door at the end of the hallway that I have never noticed before. Jimmy said it was the door to his studio. (Studio????) He keeps it locked and didn’t offer to open it up for me. Of course I immediately launched into a series of questions about the studio - What kind of studio is it? How long has it been there? Why are there no windows in the studio? (”Skylight.” At least he answered that one.) Is it an art studio? A recording studio? What do you do in there? Can I see any of your work?
He sighed, put down the paint roller, took me into the living room, removed his 37 flannel and Carhartt winter coats and revealed a coat rack of stunning beauty. (Well, stunning beauty if you consider the source.) Actually, it didn’t seem to be quite finished, leaned slightly to starboard, still had quite a few rough edges, but had recently been buffed up to be presentable - kinda like Jimmy. I laughed out loud, gave him a big hug, a kiss on the cheek, and told him it was great. Real authentic New England craftsmanship. He took the laugh and the compliment in stride, but I think the hug and kiss sorta rattled him. (I really liked the smell of his aftershave, BTW.) I told him I’d finish the painting, if he’d repair and straighten out the lamp shade in the living room. He said “Deal!”, pulled out a new lampshade from his collection of WalMart bags piled in the corner and replaced the old shade. Wait a minute! When did Jimmy ever buy “new” anything? Except beer, I mean. (To be continued….)
sharon
June 22, 2008 at 12:02 pm
11More….
“Obama Fundraising Effort Takes Unfair Advantage of the Interwebs”
“McCain Campaign Will Not Take Advantage of Candidate’s Stellar Military Record”
“McCain Campaign Refrains From Pointing Out Sen. Obama’s Lack of a Military Record”
Zee Man
June 22, 2008 at 12:50 pm
12My word! It seems that Michelle Obama is not the only one struggling to love America.
http://www.crooksandliars.com/2008/06/22/mccains-unpatriotic-words-cau ght-on-tape/
horny
June 22, 2008 at 2:32 pm
13mcMkav df8v7ydfv83f61fvr58fdz
siobhan
June 22, 2008 at 2:41 pm
14I wish I could write like this.
cooper
June 22, 2008 at 3:40 pm
15That was an interesting article. Thanks for linking to it. I must, however, disagree on one point, siobhan. I’ve been reading this blog for several years now. I’ve seen many of your comments. You can write like that.
Fanny, let me translate the spam from horny in comment 13. “Eat flaming death, you nutzlos rodent!” Where’s a starving, feral cat when you really need one?
sharon
June 22, 2008 at 4:13 pm
16Great article, siobhan, thanks!
“And, as a society, we have accepted these premises, and adapted them into our culture, and made them American.”
And in case anyone still thinks this is over the top, there’s this story:
http://patriotboy.blogspot.com/2008/06/spare-rod.html
M. Moskowitz
June 22, 2008 at 5:31 pm
17Admit it, many of you boomers out there have been asking yourself, over the decades - “Exactly what the heck is Joe Cocker singing during his performance at Woodstock back in ‘69?” I know, I’ve laid awake many nights pondering this same great and timeless puzzle.
Now, using the latest in speech recognition algorithms and available for only a limited time, I present to you, straight you from the linguistic laboratories of the North Marianas Islands - “Say WHAT?” (registered trademark) This is the must-have software for the new millenium. Trust me! Heh, heh.
Spend hours in the entertaining pursuit of the meaning of Norm Cosby’s ramblings. “Don’t get misconscrewed.” “What the heck does that mean”, you ask? Well, you are really gonna soak your shorts when you hear that one translated.
A new bonus feature, at no extra cost to me, is The Slow Mo option, where Mo Rocca’s speech rate is reduced to half speed, allowing the sharp of ear to finally understand his punch lines and believe me, this guy is funnnnnn-ny! Works for Richard Lewis’ rantings as well.
I know you’ve been waiting for it so, here you are free of charge, Joe Cocker - closed captioned - from Woodstock to you.
http://improbable.com/2008/06/21speech-recognition-challenge-j-cocker/
Sweet, Huh? Huh? After he’s eighteen, Baz Felber will be my sole North American distributor. Until then, it’s a golden opportunity for anyone with a few hours to kill each day. Like you. Yeah, you pal, reading this blog. Call me, Bucko! It’s yours for the taking! This is your lucky day! Heh, heh.
(Adam, I know you’ve wanted to ask me to be Baz’s Godfather. Don’t be so shy! Ask already, sweetheart, I’m here for you - much more so than all those other times. Trust me.)
M. Moskowitz
June 22, 2008 at 5:35 pm
18Okay, okay, so the link don’t work. But trust me, it’s hilarious! Ha-ha! See? I can’t stop laughing!!!
siobhan
June 22, 2008 at 7:06 pm
19M.M - you just need a / between “21″ and “speech”
Sharon - words fail.
siobhan
June 22, 2008 at 7:13 pm
20Oh, hell just go straight to youtube. That’s f*ing brilliant, M.
Boomer
June 23, 2008 at 3:18 am
21I wonder how well “Say WHAT?” would work on George Carlin’s “Seven Words You Can’t Say on TV” routine.
A life well lived. Thanks, George.
http://www.crooksandliars.com/2008/06/22/george-carlin-1937-2008-rip/
dee
June 23, 2008 at 4:21 am
22What lousy news to wake up to. My favorite Carlin story has always been about how his mother fostered a love of language in him, how she was always challenging him with words. One time he learned the word “peruse” and he loved it and tried to figure out a way he could work it into a conversation with her to impress her. Finally, one morning he asked her, with some pride in his voice, “Did you peruse the paper this morning?” and she replied, “No, I just gave it a cursory glance.”
[Thud]
Now I’m going to be bummed all day.
David
June 23, 2008 at 10:54 am
23It is never really ok when a light like Carlin’s goes out. To borrow from Adam, “What the fuck?” Carlin needed to be around another 20 years at the least. A good George is gone, dammit.
Oh, and what cooper said to siobhan.
Pope Benny 16
June 23, 2008 at 5:08 pm
24How about a shocking headline?
“George W Bush meets Pope amid claims he might convert to Catholicism”.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/2122733/Geo rge-W-Bush-meets-Pope-amid-claims-he-might-convert-to-Catholicism.html
And just when I thought I would be rid of that dummkopf in a few short months… I’ll probably be hearing “Hey Pope!!!” and “Awesome speech, dude!!” until my final days - in real time, not just in my most frightening nightmares. Why me?
Gott im Himmel
June 23, 2008 at 5:12 pm
25Why you? Why anybody?
Samuel
June 23, 2008 at 6:48 pm
26I’d like to claim credit for the very enlightened pitch that Mr. McCain made today about a $300 million award for developing a next-gen car battery, but really it was Cindy’s idea. I know, hard to believe. Actually, she came into HQ today all steamed because her cigarette lighter powered hair dryer killed the battery in her car while she was stopped for a red light. She had to call for a cab and wouldn’t you know it, the driver was an uppity Negro! “Well, John, you simply have to do something about the automobile battery standards here in America.”
Charlie Black (The Lobbyist/Slimeball-in-Chief for the McCain 2008 Campaign) ran with that and started a brainstorming session with the people in the office. I said that McCain should have a platform barring uppity Negroes from interacting with rich white women - Cindy thought that was an excellent idea - but it got spiked.
Someone in I.T. had heard about electric cars and the need to develop a Lithium-ion battery to make them more practical and attractive to the American public. (I made a mental note to remove all copies of Newsweek & Popular Mechanics from the men’s restroom.) Well, with that germ of an idea sprouted, there was no stopping it. I wish the Obama campaign had beaten the Republicans to the punch with that idea. I tell you, they should have hired me when they had the chance. I guess I’ll just have to keep chipping away from inside the McCain 2008 Campaign. I’ll probably go to my grave, the only person aware of the sacrifices I’ve made for my country. Or….. maybe I’ll write a book.
siobhan
June 23, 2008 at 7:42 pm
27Benny baby - we all have our cross to bear, so to speak.
A. Sleet
June 24, 2008 at 5:15 pm
28The forecast is that the weather will continue to change - off and on - for a long … long … time. (Got any drugs?)
David
June 24, 2008 at 5:54 pm
29The MSM can moon over McCain to their hearts content, and they can run drivel as serious campaign commentary, but it is beginning to look like the day I have longed for, and wrote same to the NYT might be at hand: the day when the MSM can no longer shape public opinion. It is a trust they have failed miserably at, and with any luck at all they are about to receive their just rewards. For all the wackiness out there, the internet is a far superior source of information and analysis. One has to weed through the crap, of course, but you can sure as hell come away with a much better understanding that you can from the broadcast media, where the best are two journalists, Bill Moyers and Keith Olbermann, and two comedians, Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert, the latter being absolutely the brightest bulb in the chandelier. The only contemporary comedian I know of with Steven Colbert’s mental horsepower and penchant for insight is Adam Felber.
siobhan
June 24, 2008 at 7:44 pm
30Adam, personal request: smite the spammers, please.
We’d do it if we could, but instead we look to you, our benevolent despot, to dispatch these heathen swine. Seeing them linger day after day makes us feel that we wallow with the unclean here in our trenches.
Or something.
sharon
June 25, 2008 at 3:47 am
31From the Department of You Just Can’t Make This Stuff Up, by way of Maureen Dowd:
” This was Rove’s take on Obama to Republicans at the Capitol Hill Club Monday, according to Christianne Klein of ABC News:
“Even if you never met him, you know this guy. He’s the guy at the country club with the beautiful date, holding a martini and a cigarette that stands against the wall and makes snide comments about everyone who passes by.”
Actually, that sounds more like W. ”
Karl Rove thinks we have forgotten the old Texas adage: “Whenever you point a finger at someone, there are three fingers pointing back at you.”
Jake
June 25, 2008 at 3:56 am
32Gee, I don’t know, sharon. Aren’t three fingers pointing at you a bit excessive, even for Texas? Wouldn’t two middle fingers pointing straight up be a sufficient response to Karl Rove?
siobhan
June 25, 2008 at 3:56 am
33Sharon, what Rove forgot to mention is that in his vision, Obama is one of the staff; you know how those guys love to talk among themselves. Rove’s country club wouldn’t actually allow Obama to be, you know, a member.
sharon
June 25, 2008 at 6:29 am
34Perhaps Rove’s country club only hires Filipinos these days:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/06/24/bush-to-filipino-presiden_n_1 08985.html
gillian
June 25, 2008 at 4:48 pm
35Sorry I’m a day late with The Tuesday Comedy Dump. I helped Jimmy put in a new carpet in his living room last night. We made short work of it and decided to celebrate by driving into Montpelier to check out the new Dairy Queen. The chocolate milkshake wasn’t as good as you would have gotten at Tony’s Drive-in back home, but Tony’s is, after all, the gold standard.
One of my cousins went to a convention in Las Vegas (in July!) and called in an order to Tony’s for 3 gallons of ice cream to be packed into a cooler with as much dry ice as they could jam in there and overnighted it to his hotel room in Vegas. He invited all his clients up to his suite, offered them some of the ice cream, and wound up selling hydroscopic analyzers ($183,000 each) to three different municipal utility departments that evening. (Some say it was the ice cream; others think it might have been the Maui Wowie that he also had shipped in.) He became a legend in the home office and, of course, salesman of the month.
But I digress. It’s a good thing that race is no longer an issue in America, especially in Presidential election campaigns….
http://www.salon.com/comics/tomo/2008/06/24/tomo/