It’s always hard to decide what personal things should be shared on this public blog. Funny stories? Sure. Babies and pets? Without question, though with the restraint that comes from knowing that other people’s babies and pets are of real but finite interest. Tragedies? Well, only when they’re really important.
My friend Scott Gerwehr was killed in a traffic accident last week.
It’s tempting to inflate our personal losses to a loss for All Of Us, but in the case of Scott this is literally true. If we are actually ever going to “win” this “war on terror,” Scott was one of the guys who was figuring out how we might really DO that. At RAND, and later elsewhere, Scott was on the forefront of blending cutting edge cognitive and neuroscience with global security. In short, he was concentrating on the neglected “hearts and minds” part of the whole “hearts and minds” thing.
A lot of what he was working on is classified, and much of it is too recent to even be found in books yet (and to hear him talk about it with joyful enthusiasm was an immense treat, as was his tremendous, generous pleasure when he understood that you understood what he was talking about), but you can find a taste of his public writings here.
And of course, all that has nothing whatsoever to do with why I’ll miss him so much. Scott was a gargantuan personality on stumpy little legs. In a social circle filled with outsized personalities, Scott’s was supersized, the guy for whom every cliché about magnetism and presence was written and quickly shredded as inadequate. The supremely considerate and loving side of him was perfectly balanced with his gleefully and blatantly shocking sense of humor. At any given moment, if you needed to know where “the line” was, it was a safe bet that you could find it over there, on the other side of that horrifying thing that Gerwehr just said.
Again, tragedy and premature passing make people run towards hyperbole, and to some extent everyone’s a hero and an icon after they’re gone. So if I can communicate anything about Scott right now, it’s that I want you to understand that to the people who knew him, he was that rare bird who was a hero and an icon while he was still here. A strange kind of hero, yes, and as I’ve mentioned, as icons go, he didn’t literally “tower over” anything but certain small dogs. But a hero and an icon nonetheless.
We had a memorial service for him on Thursday. A couple hundred people from all sides of his multifaceted existence. One thing that the think-tankers had in common with the artsy types, that the academicians had in common with the bad-movie aficionados, was that we were all unquestionably talking about the same Gerwehr. He did not lead a double or triple life - just a very, very large one.
Ultimately, reading back, there’s not much objective reason to be talking about losing Scott on this site, other than the fact that I want to. One of the artifacts of grief is the compulsion to keep saying goodbye, as though that will provide a little perspective, a little distance from something that is inextricably attached to you, like an animal fleeing its own burning tail. [Yipes, that’s a gruesome image! I leave it here only because Gerwehr would have wanted it that way…] It doesn’t work, not really. But it can’t hurt. So again, finally and for what won’t ever be the last time: “Goodbye, Gerwehr.” And “What the fuck?” And “We love you.”
Posted by Adam Felber and filed in
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29 comments
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Jessica
May 17, 2008 at 1:20 pm
1Condolences.
David
May 17, 2008 at 2:40 pm
2There is a special tragedy when a car wreck takes a good mind/great personality suddenly, arbitrarily, and way too soon. And it should be noted. It matters. What the fuck? somehow captures the essence of the absurdity of random, unwarranted, premature death about as well as it can be captured.
Sincerest condolences, Adam, to all his circle of friends.
Harold
May 17, 2008 at 3:57 pm
3Your friend left a lot of footprints on the Internet, as indicated by a Google search on his name. One of those footprints will now be your tribute. May we all be giving other people similarly good reasons to remember us.
t.a. barnhart
May 17, 2008 at 6:11 pm
4i talked about my mom on BlueOregon; we go where we spend a lot of time in our normal life to work out these extra-normal moments. losing a friend like this is one of the worst things in life. i wish there were words that could help, other than to say i’m sorry for your loss, and all those who loved him.
Chris Harlan
May 17, 2008 at 6:34 pm
5I’m sorry man. That just stinks.
My condolences. That was a very nice tribute.
SallyMutant
May 17, 2008 at 8:07 pm
6Gee, Adam, I don’t see why you should have a second thought about writing about a personal loss. You’re a writer.
The post is heart-wrenching, but, as usual, a beautiful piece of writing.
Our sympathy to you and to Mr. Gerwehr’s circle of friends.
hedera
May 17, 2008 at 9:07 pm
7As Louis Wu would have said, tanj: There Ain’t No Justice.
And given the relative numbers of people killed by terrorists and traffic accidents, why the Deleted Expletive do we give any kind of a passing thought to Al Quaeda and their little bearded weirdos at all? Oh, go away, little boys; we kill more of ourselves on the road, every week, than you’ll ever take out in your wildest wet dreams. And it doesn’t seem to bother us. Go figure.
End of brief rant; I’m so sorry to hear this, Adam, please accept my deep sympathy. It hurts to lose a friend, especially in such a senseless way; reminds me of David Halberstam’s death, and from what you say, he may have been in Halberstam’s metaphorical class.
It gets better after awhile, but it always hurts.
Boomer
May 18, 2008 at 6:56 am
8Sorry to hear about your friend, Adam. My take on eternal life is that humans continue to live after death by the effect they’ve had on those who knew them. Carry your friend in your heart, let him live through you when the situation allows it. And save a bit of Scott to share with Baz later.
M. Twain
May 18, 2008 at 7:45 am
9The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.
Jason
May 18, 2008 at 9:29 am
10A well-written tribute; may I offer my condolences…
Pope Benny 16
May 18, 2008 at 10:12 am
11I was never good at eulogies. That’s why they kept kicking me upstairs, as the Americans would say. “May your friend rest in peace.” See, no good.
sharon
May 18, 2008 at 11:23 am
12Adam, I’m so sorry for your loss. And for the loss to us all. “No man is an island…”
piglet
May 18, 2008 at 12:30 pm
13How awful. What a loss. Group hug.
Zee Man
May 18, 2008 at 1:07 pm
14Yeah, piglet, group hug. Good idea. Sorry, Adam.
just plain Jack
May 18, 2008 at 2:42 pm
15Sorry to hear about your buddy. Been there, done that, and let me tell you it really sucks. It sounds like Mr Wu has discovered a basic principle of life.
Dee
May 18, 2008 at 4:51 pm
16So sorry to hear of your loss, Adam. Ann’s father, your friend Scott — it’s good when thoughtful people can write about the people they’ve lost and remind us of our connections to each other.
Dale
May 18, 2008 at 5:54 pm
17Add my condolences to the pile. I hesitated to comment because I have nothing insightful or helpful to say, but I guess maybe the sheer existence of sympathy out there in the interether is worth something.
cooper
May 19, 2008 at 9:19 am
18It hurts to lose a friend. Sorry, pal. Think of the good times together….
SeattleDan
May 19, 2008 at 1:23 pm
19Our condolences as well, Adam. Scott was clearly a remarkable man and a great mitzvah in your life. Take care, our friend.
gillian
May 19, 2008 at 5:54 pm
20I’m with piglet and Zee Man - group hug. You too, Adam.
Becca (and Brian)
May 19, 2008 at 7:51 pm
21Just checked in and saw the news. I’m so sorry for your loss Adam and for the loss to all Scott’s friends and family, and to all of us as well. Thank you for sharing some of your memories and stories with us. I hope you continue to do so and let Scott’s spirit and memory live on that way.
Losing a friend or a family member too soon is so hard… and makes us all reappreciate life. Cherish Baz all the more and as Boomer suggested, share some of Scott with him.
- joining the group hug-
Aunt Sam
May 20, 2008 at 1:31 pm
22I am very sorry for your loss, Adam.
My dad died as a result of a car accident in 2004. He was 74.
When I was growing up, he was the only one in our neighborhood who distrusted Nixon, and campaigned for McGovern. He was active online in the antiwar movement starting in 2002. I wish he were here so we could share the phenomenon of Barack Obama.
And I am reminded once again of what a talented writer you are. I’ve read this tribute to your friend several times over, and it moves me each time.
Jake
May 20, 2008 at 3:15 pm
23Sorry, Adam. Your friend sounds like one in a million. Boomer’s right though. You should share some of Scott’s charisma and lore with Baz, but maybe you could save the “What the fuck?” part until his teenage years.
gillian
May 20, 2008 at 6:39 pm
24Jake’s right. But the “We love you” part should be employed early on and often.
Kathi
May 21, 2008 at 12:23 am
25Hi Adam. We were friends at Tufts–I’m Seth’s friend Kathi Inman. My husband Brad grew up with Scott, and I met Scott a couple of times at Ben’s wedding (if you know Ben and Jess.) Scott did impress me as tremendously smart–scintillating, actually–and his op-ed in the NYT is just exactly right (”Torture in Iraq? Try a Little Tenderness.) Brad was at the memorial. I was watching the kids after work, and would have felt a little like an imposter showing up b/c Scott couldn’t have picked me out of a lineup. So I didn’t hire a sitter and stayed home. But now I wish I’d gone, because I’ve heard different fragments of Scott’s life. Thank you for writing about Scott. It’s eerie to grieve for someone I barely knew. And yet I am.
Steven
May 21, 2008 at 8:05 am
26I first met Scott in the 7th grade, when the two of us gawked at the new , scintillating upper school receptionist. Of course, Scott took it upon himself to actually court her, bringing her lunch and routinely “checking-in.” I havent seen him since graduation, 22 years ago, and yet I somehow feel his absence and am deeply saddened. He was so wonderfully and lightheartedly different - never in a strange way, but in such an embracingly and lovingly way. Selfishly, I am angry that I didnt attend our recent reunion, because he is one with whom I would have loved to reconnect. I am very sorry.
Krista
May 27, 2008 at 8:40 pm
27I knew Scott well and it means a lot to me to have been able to read your eulogy to him. I first met him in 2000 or 2001 when we took a UCLA extension class in Abnormal Psychology. You captured who he was so well. I was out of the country and unable to attend the memorial service and was shocked and devastated to hear upon my return that he had passed away. He was an incredibly positive, uplifting, supportive, person in my life who always believed in me. He was someone I could rely on to pick me up when I was in the depths of despair and was my greatest cheerleader and champion in the dark times and in my times of success. I am so happy you posted a picture of him as I didn’t have any of my own. I will remember his enthusiastic spirit, his smile and mischevious grin, his bright intense eyes and the way he made me feel like I could achieve all my hopes and dreams and that he would do whatever he could to help me along the way. It’s such a tragedy that his bright and vibrant spirit is no longer with us. He was a great friend. An important influence in my life. I’m crying too much right now to continue so I’ll just say good-bye now and thank you again for sharing your memories and relfections.
Krista
Scott's Mommy
May 29, 2008 at 4:47 pm
28Thank you Adam. My heart is breaking and will never be whole again. Yet, your words and the outpouring of love and support by those who knew and loved my son - and those who have been touched and uplifted by those words, have given me great solace. To think that one’s beautiful child meant so much to so many and that his life and presence, though far too short, may have inspired others to emulate his capacity for love and compassion is the greatest gift he can leave.
Scott’s Mommy, Carole
Susie
May 30, 2008 at 6:26 pm
29This is an important and beautiful tribute. I’m so glad you wrote about him. And what a wonderful picture too.