WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Democrat John Edwards and Republican Rudy Giuliani were abandoning their presidential bids on Wednesday, shrinking the field to two main candidates in each party.

And just when we’d all learned to spell “Giuliani,” too. Well, he ran a campaign engineered for a storybook ending, and that’s what he got. Although I’m pretty sure he didn’t anticipate that story being “The Tortoise and the Hare.” And yet he followed it to the letter, right town to the uncomfortable fact that John McCain looks disconcertingly like a tortoise.

Ground was broken in America’s Mayor’s candidacy, though. Just as Barack Obama couldn’t have hoped to get this far without Jesse Jackson’s candidacies, Rudy has paved the way for future Undead-American candidates. If we’re all pulling the lever for the Baron Vlad von Schmozenkreis in ‘24, that’ll be because of Rudy.

I’m not sure what to make of those who were left behind, though (which is the only fair way to characterize those who had the misfortune of not losing). Obama’s surging, but will people recognize him when they vote? Judging by every picture that’s been snapped of him in the past 60 days, most Americans probably think “Obama” is his first name. So when people get in that booth and can’t actually vote for “CHANGE,” what’s their next move?

That’s not just a cheap joke. The McCain/tortoise thing - that’s a cheap joke. [Though true - I just wanna feed the guy a cherry tomato and watch him retract his li’l head into his suit to munch it. Awwww… cuuute!] But I have been somewhat disturbed by how easily Obama has embraced the simplemindedness of national politics.

I’ll miss John Edwards, but I must say that I don’t buy the sudden conventional wisdom that he was hamstrung by the fact that he was white, or male, or a familiar face in a year of CHANGE. The simple fact, I think, is that John Edwards suffers from Jessica Rabbit’s Syndrome: He’s not fake, he’s just drawn that way. Somehow the candidate with the ideas most closely reflecting those of his party’s voters never managed to convince them that he was for real. Handsome self-made millionaire whose primary concern is America’s poor? Oh yeah? Prove it.

He couldn’t. Frankly, I don’t think we want to elect paragons anymore. They make us feel bad about ourselves. That’s why our last two Presidents have had big, friendly flaws. The tongue-tied, dopey George W. Bush. The hungry, horny teddy bear Bill Clinton. Nobody wanted to have a drink with John Edwards, and nobody wanted to be Rudy Giuliani’s drink.

Well, that’s that. Let’s not dwell on it. Let’s go feed the turtle!