Is it just me, or does everyone seem a little sensitive these days?

[Note to self - complete work on short film of people saying “Is it just me….” Examples: Zombie - “Is it just me, or does this place smell like rotting flesh?” Man on desert island - “Is it just me or…. Yeah. It’s just me.”]

Anyway, I thought I’d detected a slight amount of increased sensitivity in the comments lately. Nothing gigantic, but I thought I’d say a thing or two.

First - I want to offend you. I’m not a shock jock or a Lenny Bruce worshiper or an angry college freshman. But Funny comes from an affront to what you think is right in some way or another. Whether it’s what you personally think is right or what you perceive others as thinking is right or an expectation you have about language or physics or the way things work… one of those expectations has to be assaulted in order for Funny to happen. And that’s about as far as I ever want to go in defining humor.

But about the two most recent complaints in the Comments, I want to say a tiny bit more.

First, on using the word “pussies” in the sense meaning “coward.” As Ann said below, in a world where “dick” is a great insult (and it is, though “prick” tends to pack more of a punch), there’s no reason to leave “pussy” out. Two things to remember here - first, those insults correspond pretty damn well to physical characteristics. If someone is obtrusive, selfish, and has a tendency to poke into your business without regard to your feelings… they’re being a dick. On the other hand, if someone is retiring, hidden, not “out there,” if their only real mode of defense is to remain folded in on themselves… as I said, these are pretty well-conceived insults. As a culture, we oughta be proud.

But more importantly, we’re talking about genitals, not people. Calling somebody a pussy isn’t the same as calling somebody a woman. Okay, it’s more complicated than that, perhaps. But I can cleverly escape those complications by ending the paragraph and changing the subject.

Now, on to a couple of days ago, when I was taken to task for recommending that a warm compress be made from the following materials: “Warm lunch meat, soil, organic fertilizer, melon rinds, discarded sanitary napkins, dead rodents, vegetable mold, and dog shit.” This articulate objection came my way:

Menstrual blood is mostly regular blood, you know, and it was clean enough to nurture each one of us for nine months! But thanks, Adam, for promulgating the notion that menstruation is “unclean.”

I don’t think those thanks were sincere. In fact, my wife confirmed this when I loudly read it to her from outside her menstrual hut. But I’m going to stand by it anyway. “Mostly regular blood” is exactly what I was looking for in this example. What would you NOT want to press onto an open wound? That was the question I asked myself. “A stranger’s blood” was definitely on my list, and it remains so. And “discarded sanitary napkins” was a quick and funny way of getting there. It’s a two-fer - you get whatever virulent disease the original owner may have had, plus an object teeming with ravenous microorganisms feeding on protein-rich source…

Am I promulgating a myth or not being positive enough about the life-giving qualities of menstrual blood? I dunno - I see a difference between saying a menstruating woman is “unclean” and saying that one might not want to employ an anonymous used tampon as a teabag. [Please note that I refrained from making a “Red Zinger” joke here.] [Dammit! Please note I almost refrained…]

Anyway, I realize that even you “offended” parties weren’t deeply offended. But I wanted to promise you all that I will continue to offend. Though when it comes to physically confronting people I tend to be a pussy, here on the internet - and I don’t want to come across as an asshole about this - I will continue to be a dick.