Topical infections can be painful and unsightly. Fortunately, they can usually be cured by simple treatments and over-the-counter medications. Follow these simple steps when you think you have an infected cut or insect bite:

1) Identify the infection. In this example, we’ll say the infection is at the site of a scratch on the left shoulder, near the top and slightly towards the dorsal side. Note the color, size, and general appearance of the infected area.

2) Choose a different area. Pick another (secondary) place on your body, not directly associated with the infected area. In this example, we’ll choose the left calf area, a few inches below the kneecap. Tell everyone that you have an infection at the new site. Take note of anyone who denies this statement (saying things like, “No you don’t, but you should really look into that shoulder thing…”).

3) Initial treatment. Take a knife or other sharp implement and make a 2″-5″ incision at the secondary site you just chose. The cut need not be deep.

4) Make no attempt to stop the bleeding.

5) Compress. When the bleeding begins to abate, make a warm compress out of at least three of the following materials: Warm lunch meat, soil, organic fertilizer, melon rinds, discarded sanitary napkins, dead rodents, vegetable mold, and dog shit. Apply the compress firmly to the secondary site and tape in place.

6) Do not remove the compress for a long, long time. When area begins to smell bad enough to elicit comments from other people, deny that the odor is coming from your body. [See Topic #511, “He Who Smelt It”]

7) Remove the compress. You should now have a raging, throbbing, perhaps even life-threatening infection at the new site. Display this grimly, particularly to the people who denied you had an infection on your calf (see step #2).

8) Treat the infection. Your condition should now be raging through your entire body, resulting in thousands of dollars in medical expenses, including antibiotics, hospitalization, and perhaps even amputation.

9) Point out, to all who will listen, that this is the infection that you’ve been battling all along, and that continuing the battle is the only option.

10) Pick another unaffected spot on your body….