Hey now!
“I listen a little to the Democrats and if one of them gets elected, we are going on defense,” Giuliani continued. “We will wave the white flag on Iraq. We will cut back on the Patriot Act, electronic surveillance, interrogation and we will be back to our pre-Sept. 11 attitude of defense.”
He added: “The Democrats do not understand the full nature and scope of the terrorist war against us.”
…“This war ends when they stop coming here to kill us!” Giuliani said in his speech. “Never, ever again will this country ever be on defense waiting for [terrorists] to attack us if I have anything to say about it. And make no mistake, the Democrats want to put us back on defense!”
Giuliani said terrorists “hate us and not because of anything bad we have done; it has nothing to do with Israel and Palestine. They hate us for the freedoms we have and the freedoms we want to share with the world.”
Giuliani continued: “The freedoms we have are in conflict with the perverted, maniacal interpretation of their religion.” He said Americans would fight for “freedom for women, the freedom of elections, freedom of religion and the freedom of our economy.”
Addressing the terrorists directly, Giuliani said: “We are not giving that up, and you are not going to take it from us!”
There it is. And I confess that at first I was a little put off, thinking that this was just hot air and scaremongering demagoguery from a candidate whose “Republican” credentials begin and end with his stances on defense.
Then I came across this videotape, which I will try to transcribe accurately for you…
ETERNAL JIHAD PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS
“Al Qaeda Recruitment Video #115: Ahmed Signs On!”
EXT. RUBBLE-STREWN URBAN LANDSCAPE - DAY
AHMED sits on a pile of smouldering rubble. Khalid, an AL QAEDA RECRUITER, strides towards him.
KHALID: Hey there, Ahmed, you look kind of glum.
AHMED: Maybe a little, Khalid, maybe a little.
KHALID: I notice that your house has been reduced to rubble.
AHMED (looking over his shoulder): Oh, that? Yeah. Kind of sucks, doesn’t it?
KHALID: You know that the Americans did this with their airstrikes, don’t you?
AHMED: Yeah, I guess. But what are you gonna do?
KHALID: And your entire family was killed in the explosion?
AHMED: Yeah, I can’t say I’m thrilled about that.
KHALID: The Americans, again.
AHMED: Hey, they’re just trying to stabilize things. You gotta cut ‘em some slack. Besides, my son is still alive.
KHALID: The one that was arrested by the Americans under the merest suspicion of terrorist activities and is being held without charges by the American-created regime?
AHMED: That’s him! Adnan. Good kid. Gee, I sure hope he comes home soon.
KHALID: And remember those pictures of prisoners in Abu Ghraib… the naked pyramid with the American woman watching…
AHMED: Oof, yeah! I hope that doesn’t get done to Adnan.
KHALID: By the Americans…
AHMED: Or anyone, really. Doesn’t look fun at all, you know? But I’m not pointing fingers.
[pause. Khalid stares at Ahmed.]
KHALID: Those Americans, I tell you, still propping up the Israelis, too, and suppressing our Palestinian brothers…
AHMED: Yeah, whatever. My imams have been going on about the Holy Land my entire life as well, but I’ve never really connected to it. Those Israelis seem like nice enough guys-
KHALID: -even when they are shooting our brothers?
AHMED: Hey, fights happen. Who am I to take sides?
KHALID: And then there’s the whole matter of their invasion of our home and their failure to secure the country and their presence here and in Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia and their support for corrrupt and repressive regimes like the Saudi princes and the Shah of Iran and such just because said regimes are friendly to their oil interests…
AHMED: Yadda yadda yadda, Khalid. None of that really feels like my business. Now if you don’t mind, I still haven’t found my wife’s left femur in here, so I really gotta get back to it…
(pause.)
KHALID: They’ve got freedoms.
AHMED: Not my table, man, and —- WHAT!?
KHALID: It’s true. Over in America. Their women are free to dress as they want and they have free elections and worship as they please.
AHMED: You are shitting me!
KHALID: Nope, it’s true.
AHMED: No WAY!
KHALID: Way.
AHMED: Well, that just tears it! Goddammit! I’ve gotta do something! The bastards! Say, Khalid, can you hook me up with an explosive vest and a car?
KHALID: I might be able to arrange something…
[Patriotic music swells. CLOSE UP of an enraged Ahmed. Cut to a day later - we watch Ahmed, driving towards the Green Zone at breakneck speed while ululating wildly… We see an explosion and pan to reveal a smiling Khalid in the foreground. He gives the camera a thumbs-up.]
TITLE: “THE END!”
Fanny Roborat
9 comments
Ann
April 25, 2007 at 12:17 pm
1Any chance you could dig up the Republican record on “freedom for women”? Seems wrong to point the finger at other cultures if you dragged your heels on suffrage, equal rights, etc.
Oh, and yes, this is funny!
Harold
April 25, 2007 at 4:22 pm
2A few weeks ago Saturday Night Live opened with a skit featuring President* Bush addressing the nation regarding the U.S. Attorney firings and the subsequent cover-up. At one point Bush stated that he had agreed to allow Gonzales, Rove and others to speak to the committee investigating the matter as long as they were allowed to speak behind closed doors, not placed under oath, and no record was made of their testimony. This got a huge laugh from the audience. I wondered if they were aware this was not some joke that the writers had made up, that this was exactly what the President* had stated earlier in the week?
Similarly, Giuliani’s comments read like a joke, like something a satirist would come up with if he wanted to portray a pinheaded politician who had not learned anything from the last five and a half years, but was instead concocting a speech from a a list of jingoistic phrases and battle cries that had been test-marketed with the party faithful.
So, will they be able to fool enough of the people once again in 2008?
Hot Tub Tommy
April 25, 2007 at 5:37 pm
3Hey boys and girls. Well, I am PUMPED!!! I made the headlines again today and at the same time slipped a rusty, fecal fouled shiv between the ribs of Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi. In a video taped interview playing on the internets, I claimed that recent statements of Harry and Nancy are “very very close to treason.” The interviewer tried to tone it down, but I insisted - I know the meaning of “treason”. On the cab ride over, in between Shiner Bocks, I googled the word on my laptop. “It’s the betrayal of trust”. That sounded strong and manly, I thought. Okay, I lied about the definition, but who in the Base will bother looking it up.
In between Shiner Bocks on the cab ride back to the airport, a thought struck me - how long before the Democrats connect the phrase we’re so fond of using - “the Base” - with the meaning of the word al-Qaeda (The Base). I’ve noticed how Shiners bring out the philosophical side in me. I should have a few more. Adam, I hope your book tour is as fun as mine has been. Cheers.
Dave D
April 26, 2007 at 2:51 am
4Come on now Ann, the Republican record of fighting for freedom is so pervasive that you shouldn’t have the slightest trouble finding more than enough to satisfy your interest. As far as fighting for womens freedoms you don’t even need to look into the past; just look at how hard they are battling the leftist democrats (who what to dictate how everyone lives their lives) to maintain the woman’s freedom to choose.
But if we just take a quick look at the record we see the huge amount of support that the Reagan admin provided for ‘freedom fighters’ in S. America. That alone probably stirs up a tremendous amount of rage. Or look at their record in the 50s and 60s at how hard they fought against the evil democrats to free the blacks of this great nation from the chains of segregation, and to gain for them the freedoms that the rest of us enjoy (no thanks to the cowardly democrats).
Just look at how hard they fight for Social Security and other social programs that provide freedom from poverty and suffering. And on and on. All one has to do is just open one’s eyes and mind a little bit. To do otherwise leads to being fooled by the lies and distortions of the wily leftists who just want to provide aid and comfort to the enemies of freedom. They aren’t known as the Right for no good reason you know!
David
April 26, 2007 at 5:10 am
5Macho, macho, macho man,
I wanna be a dumbass macho man…
Landis
April 26, 2007 at 10:33 am
6Thanks for mentioning that SNL intro, Howard. I found it on YouTube: http://youtube.com/watch?v=C0e5nCbAg-8
Adam, I thought these guys wanted to cut my head off because of my freedoms. Maybe they do that after they blow me up.
Harold
April 27, 2007 at 6:30 am
7Off-topic: dee, cooper, and anyone else from North Carolina, please go here and see if you can help out a neighbor in need:
http://anothermonkey.blogspot.com/2007/04/calling-anyone-from-north-ca rolina.html
Dana
May 1, 2007 at 9:58 am
8!!!
Wow. I am so going to get a video camera and make some of these. Sot his guy steve, his wife threw him out cause he’s been faking right wing republican christian views his whole marriage, and his boss did the same thing to him for the same reason. i elft him a message of hope, but i gotta ask… where does pomposity and decadence meet hypocrisy and Truth? i mean, look how much change can one man make? well, the other day i spit down offa the subway track. it hit a taxi cab that smashed a cop car in the back. the cops lights flashed and a criminal with a bag full of cash gave himself up thinking the cop was coming after his ass. oh, that rhymes!!!
so how much can on person change anything? we’re poised in a position as humans to alter the course of history every single moment. So i gotta ask… what difference would it have made if you died today?
~D
ps - me, well, im saving the ozone layer by sleeping all day instead of driving around.
David
May 9, 2007 at 7:08 am
9Some guy who was on Colbert has a book, THE BLACK SWAN. Looks like unexpected events change things. Your spitting off the subway track produced a totally unexpected event that led to the capture of a latter day Willy Sutton by a rear-ended cop. Are you paying attention here, Adam, for your next book?
Be interesting to see if the melting of the polar ice cap changes the human consciousness component of the grand overarching dimension middle school science project “What if we created people?”