Steroid Story Goes Away
This season we’ll be returning to the traditional American topic of how rich in tradition and Americanism the traditional American sport of baseball really is. Performance enhancing drugs may not go away, but the story will - it’s depressing and demoralizing.

So expect a lot of John Cougar Mellencamp and Bob Seger-fueled montages featuring gargantuan, neckless behemoths rattling the bleachers as their mighty cyborg limbs piston them around the bases. This is our coun-try…


Are They “For Real?”
This question is always reserved for women with seemingly levitating double D-cups and underfunded small market baseball teams who manage to win more games than they lose in April and May. Let me answer both questions:

No, they’re not.

And in the case of the case of the baseball team, at least, you’ll see them sagging, tragically, by the time bikini season arrives.


Red Sox Ask for 2004 Recount
This is the year that the Boston Red Sox and their fans will realize that winning in 2004 wasn’t worth losing everything that made them special. They will start to wonder if being “cursed” wasn’t in many ways better than being “not good enough 88 out of the last 89 years,” and cast resentful glances towards everyone’s favorite losers, the Cubs. Ignored by the rest of the country unless they happen to be playing the Yankees, the Red Sox organization will seek to prove to the League office that the Cardinals actually won the 2004 World Series. Fenway fans will begin chanting “1918!” to help nudge the illusion along.


Hot Injury: DVT
Pulled hamstrings and torn rotator cuffs are so ’90s. This season, the hot injury will be deep vein thrombosis, or “economy class syndrome,” as players find themselves sitting in a cramped dugout for at least half of a six-hour game every day.


The Annual Spectacle
Once incredibly popular, now compromised by a series of scandals, set-backs, and poor choices, clearly more beholden to corporate interests and the almighty dollar than the people who bestowed the popularity. Desperately trying to invoke history, tradition, God and country to gain back some of the former glory…

… that’s right, the President will be attending a lot of baseball games this year.