INT. FUTURISTIC LAB - DAY
ADAM lies on an operating table in a high-tech medical lab. Wires and tubes connect him to an impressive array of machinery, and fluids and visible, crackling electrical currents flow in and out of his body. Technicians in white coats and surgical masks attend to him, turning dials, fastening clasps, recording readings on clipboards. PANNING TOWARDS Adam’s head, we note that the top of his cranium has been removed and placed in a china bowl (Delft, blue), and more wires and tubes extend into his exposed cerebrum. Despite this, Adam appears to be at least semi-conscious.
TECHIE #1: Still nothing, Doctor.
DR. JONES: Turn the sequential inhibitor up to 11 and give him another 100 cc’s of seratonic infotainmanol. [In a louder voice.] Adam? Can you hear me?
ADAM (lethargic, drugged): Yeeessss.
DR. JONES: Do you know where you are?
ADAM: Nnno.
DR. JONES: You are somewhere underneath the American Media Institute. We’re sorry we had to bring you he-
MR. ANDERSON (unseen): Please spare us the justifications, Dr. Jones.
[Dr. Jones glances towards the mirrored window that dominates the west wall of the chamber.]
DR. JONES: Of course, sir. [turning back to Adam] Okay, Adam. I’m going to ask you again: How do you feel about the Anna Nicole Smith story?
ADAM: Don’t… care.
DR. JONES: Not at all?
ADAM: Noo.
DR. JONES: Would you say that you “give a shit?”
ADAM: No.
DR. JONES: How about a “flying fuck?”
ADAM: No.
DR. JONES: Are you sure? Even with the exciting new development confirming that she died of overdose? The story that is dominating today’s news? Are you sure you don’t care?
ADAM: Yes.
DR. JONES: I’m sorry, Adam. That’s the wrong answer.
[Dr. Jones nods at a techie who sits behind a console. A giant surge of purple lightning travels down a cable and travels directly into Adam’s cerebral cortex. Adam screams in agony. Dr. Jones nods again. A filthy yellowish liquid travels down a tube and into the center of Adam’s chest, causing his whole body to convulse spasmodically. Dr. Jones nods a third time. An electrical hum is heard and and white hot bolts of energy target Adam’s pressure points with surgical accuracy, charring nerve endings and causing unimaginable pain, causing him to writhe and scream in excruciating agony. Finally, Dr. Jones nods again, and the machines are turned off, leaving Adam’s body inert, smoke literally rising from it. A dwarf in a lab coat climbs onto the operating table, makes a note on his clipboard, and kicks Adam forcefully in the scrotum.]
ADAM: Ow!
DR. JONES: Thank you, Dr. Schank.
[The dwarf nods, makes another note on his clipboard, and climbs off the table.]
DR. JONES: Now, Adam, let’s try this again. You are a member of the media, aren’t you?
ADAM: I… suppose… yes…
DR. JONES: And you like big giant knockers, don’t you?
ADAM: I… sure.
DR. JONES: And drugs and bimbos and death and sex and colossally stupid rich people leading bizarrely troubled lives and meeting tragic ends? Those topics interest you, at least in the abstract, don’t they?
ADAM: Yes… but… not… important… to me. War… news… movies… music… even new video games…
DR. JONES: You can still care about those things, Adam. We have noted that you talk and write about such things extensively. But your failure to comply with what we need is… regrettable, Adam. Your concerns do you credit. But there’s a certain poor, dead, giant-titted, dimwitted pseudocelebrity who needs you to care. Can’t you see that?
ADAM: I… but…
DR. JONES: So I ask you again: How do you feel about the Anna Nicole Smith story?
ADAM: Don’t… care.
DR. JONES: I see. But you will care. You will. It’s only a matter of time. In a world where everyone talks about a story, no matter how dumb, eventually you will weigh in. It is… inevitable, like the sunrise or “American Idol.” It is only a question of when.
ADAM: Never… you… bastard.
[With a sigh, Dr. Jones nods towards a techie. Dr. Jones takes off his surgical mask and heads towards the brushed-metal door of the chamber, which slides open with a satisfying whoosh. Behind him, we hear the crackle and hum of a complicated and terrible machinery grinding into action once again…]
Fanny Roborat
36 comments
Ann
March 26, 2007 at 12:08 pm
1Isn’t this a scene from Mel’s “Passion” movie? I’m pretty sure I know how it ends…
Landis
March 26, 2007 at 12:24 pm
2“But it was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was finished. He had won the victory over himself. He loved [Anna Nicole Smith].”
tim
March 26, 2007 at 12:26 pm
3I heard a report on Anna Nicole on NPR this afternoon on “The World”. It was by a BBC guy with the requisite British accent. Somehow, it almost sounded newsworthy.
Dale
March 26, 2007 at 12:53 pm
4I´m sorry, Adam, but until you experience the pain equivalent to death or major organ failure, I´m afraid I can´t be concerned.
Sharon
March 26, 2007 at 1:04 pm
5Another Monica! (Or maybe a Fawn Hall by another name?) Ah, this is sweet!
Gonzales Aide Refuses to Answer Questions in Congressional Probe of U.S. Attorney Firings
Sharon
March 26, 2007 at 1:06 pm
6The Faux News article is a little thin. Here’s what CBS News has to say.
Jim (OJNTNJ)
March 26, 2007 at 1:28 pm
7So Adam, spill the beans. Are “Mr. Anderson” and the secret banker from Deal or No Deal one and the same person?
Will it hurt if I don’t really care?
David
March 26, 2007 at 1:36 pm
8In case Fanny ate my first attempt, I think Robert Greenwald nailed the beltway gang in this one. I give up on reconstructing my carefully crafted response to the Perils of Adam, but hang tough, my good man. Ne illegitimi non carborundum.
http://www.salon.com/opinion/greenwald/2007/03/26/matthews/index.html
cooper
March 26, 2007 at 1:47 pm
9…removed and placed in a china bowl… Well, as long as it’s Blue Delph.
Mojo
March 26, 2007 at 3:02 pm
10Do you know where I can apply for Dr. Schank’s job? It would be great to be on the delivery end for once.
Hot Tub Tommy
March 26, 2007 at 5:39 pm
11In my new book, “No Retreat, No Surrender” there is a passage that Keith Olbermann harped on during Countdown tonight. It was a paragraph where Liberals are compared to Nazis. In all honesty, the word “Nazis” was a typo. What I meant to say is that Liberals are “Nancys”, you know like effeminate, effete, limp-wristed, overly sensitive, etc. I think you know where I’m going with this. I talked very clearly into the tape recorder and my ghost writer just fucked up transcribing it. Maybe outsourcing that part of the book to the lowest bidder on the Mariana Islands was not the smartest thing I’ve done.
SeattleDan
March 26, 2007 at 7:17 pm
12Like Landis, I was reminded of 1984, which I recently re-read.
Remember, Adam, we are at war with Eurasia. We have always been at war with Eurasia.
And I’m pretty sure that Big Brother is the baby-daddy.
tess
March 26, 2007 at 7:45 pm
13I like how Hot Tub Tommy also equated liberals with UFO conspiracy theorists. Yeah, like all Art Bell listeners are sitting around drinking their yerba matte while discussing how to induct Al Gore into the Rock&Roll Hall of Fame.
hedera
March 26, 2007 at 8:08 pm
14Nonetheless, did you read the list of stuff they found in that woman?? Three “antidepressants or antianxiety drugs” (methadone, Lexapro and Zoloft), plus human growth hormone (human growth hormone??) and chloral hydrate! The woman gave herself a Mickey Finn!
Given what we all know about why people take methadone, I will kindly not speculate on why she was taking it. It’s not what normally comes to my mind when you say “antidepressant”. And why HGH? Did she think it’d give her bigger boobs?
David
March 27, 2007 at 3:11 am
15When the human mind goes awry, it can really go awry. This is a human tragedy being used typically inhumanely for titillating spectacle, which seems to work every time. And then there was the story of Pat Tillman, who, like Anna Nicole, mattered not a whit as a human being, but whose story, once fictionalized, made for terrific grist for the propaganda mill. In Pat’s case, however, not only had his mind not gone awry, he had figured out just how wrong Bush/Cheney were, especially regarding the illegal war against Iraq. A real hero in truthful terms turned into a phony hero by our glorious leaders, but perhaps being returned to actual patriotic American hero as the truth comes out. Key to it is for people in general to know what Pat Tillman, who was willing to die for his country, had come to realize about the leaders of the country he loved.
ACU Al
March 27, 2007 at 3:35 am
16Now you’ve gone and given Keith more ammunition, but we need your connections. Are the corporates still on board? If we’re lucky, your celebrity status and welcoming embrace by the news cycle producers will win out over this gaffe, but you’ve kind of slowed your return to patriotic icon status. Work with the handlers, Tommy Boy.
Murray
March 27, 2007 at 9:30 am
17Very clever Adam, A story about Anna Nicole under the guise of being a story about not being a story about Anna Niclole.
Ann
March 27, 2007 at 1:44 pm
18Not really, Murray, since it doesn’t actually provide any information about her—not even speculation! It’s a story about the metastory, really.
I’m waiting to find out what the doctors do when Adam refuses to care about Angelina’s latest adoption. Surely he’ll break then!
Skerlnik
March 27, 2007 at 2:41 pm
19Uhh-huh-huh-huh…
David said “titilating”….
Uhh-huh-huh-huh…
Ann
March 27, 2007 at 3:21 pm
20I had to view a Maker’s Mark commercial to read the Salon article from David’s link.
Coincidence?? I don’t think so.
Murray
March 27, 2007 at 3:22 pm
21Ann, now you’re confusing me. I need to rest my brain by watching Entertainment Tonight.
Murray
March 27, 2007 at 3:29 pm
22No, I think you’re right. Maker’s Mark is a better bet.
Thanks Ann.
gillian
March 27, 2007 at 4:01 pm
23Sorry, Sparky! You can always go back to the Fleabag.
Maximum Bob
March 27, 2007 at 4:09 pm
24Hey, Tommy, one thing the usually-thorough Keith seemed to overlook was your curious word choice when you called Hitler a “scoundrel.” Maybe your district has been gerrymandered so many times that it no longer contains a dictionary, but out this way, a scoundrel is someone who hotwires your car, or perhaps steals a widow’s pension money. Hitler, on the other hand, is what we effete elites call a goddamn monster.
Please make a note of it.
David
March 27, 2007 at 6:06 pm
25I had no idea my link included a Maker’s Mark ad, Ann. Cool.
SeattleTammy
March 27, 2007 at 9:39 pm
26Mel….Ann, the weather forecast in Pioneer Square is: Cloudly, Partial Showers and Men in Kilts on Ladders! Halleluah! It’s raining Men In Kilts!
Dale
March 27, 2007 at 11:43 pm
27Tammy, I hope the men in kilts on ladders and the partial showers are not related!
Boomer
March 28, 2007 at 2:54 am
28Good point, Dale, but when you’re talking boys-up-ladders and Seattle weather… you’ll never really be sure, will you? Best take an old umbrella, in either case, Tammy.
Pope Benny 16
March 28, 2007 at 2:56 am
29And binoculars!
dee
March 28, 2007 at 10:12 am
30And a wind machine!
Dale
March 28, 2007 at 10:19 am
31Be careful not to break wind machine!
Ann
March 28, 2007 at 10:54 am
32Tammy, I’m polishing my patent-leather boots right now!
siobhan
March 28, 2007 at 11:59 am
33Okay, back to Adam’s story…
He’s right you know. Really, how can anyone care about ANS, when the stories out of Washington are getting so interesting? And can anyone tell me which is louder - a house of cards collapsing, or wheels coming off?
David
March 28, 2007 at 4:48 pm
34A ruthlessly crafted one-party castle imploding.
anna nicole smith death
April 8, 2007 at 4:56 am
35LOS ANGELES - The Medical Board of California acknowledged Thursday that it is investigating a Los Angeles doctor who, according to documents, authorized all 11 prescription medications found in Anna Nicole Smith’s hotel room the day the starlet died of a drug overdose.
siobhan
April 12, 2007 at 7:24 pm
36I loved this quote from Bob Harris:
PS: I also think somebody should be comparing the amount of airtime Vonnegut’s passing is getting compared to the death of Anna Nicole Smith. I believe the ratio might provide an exact, scientific, numerical measure on our misplaced priorities.