Here you are, folks. As always, there are a lot of rules from previous years. As they say - the more things don’t change, the more they stay the same.

But there are some new wrinkles, and - and this is exciting - some rules from Fanatical Apathy’s new contributers. That’s right - Ms. Kirschenbaum and Mr. Regan have added some new wrinkles, particularly in Section 2. Thanks to them, you’ll be that much drunbker by the end of the speech.

Okay, enjoy. And please remember to drink irresponsibly.

—————–

The Rules

Before you start, place a sheet of paper in a central location that everyone can reach. This is the Iraq War Plan (or “The Plan”). The paper should be completely blank.

Section 1 - The Speech

- Whenever the President says “evil,” everyone must raise their glass and take a drink. It’s good form to make a brief toast of sorts, something like “Down with evil!” or “Evil is bad!” “Evil” should be pronounced with a soft “i” [”Evihl”].

- Whenever the President says “bipartisan,” the first player to raise their hand becomes “The Commander in Chief.” Whenever “The Commander in Chief” desires, he may point to another player and say “Be bipartisan - obey!” That player must drink. “The Commander in Chief” remains “in office” until President Bush says “bipartisan” again.

- At any point during the War portion of the speech, any player may assume the role of Rogue Nation - exclaiming “Yikes!” and then ducking and cowering. Everyone else must follow suit immediately. The last player to do so becomes the Next Pre-empted Nation, who is then obliged to take a drink.*

- Every time the President makes mention of a spending package totaling $1 billion or more, everyone must raise their glass, exclaim “What deficit?” and take a good, hearty sip.

- When explaining the failures in Iraq, the President may say “I take responsibility.” At this point, raise your glass, exclaim “Finally!” and bring the glass to your lips. Do not drink unless the President says something - anything - that indicates that “taking responsibility” means anything other than saying “I take responsibility.” As you wait, slowly lower the glass from your lips.

- When the President uses the words “victory” or “win” in reference to Iraq, everyone must scramble to put their hand on the plan. The last person to place their hand on the Plan becomes the Liberal, and must finish their drink. Other players are encouraged to taunt the Liberal with jibes like “What’s the matter, do you want us to lose?” and “Yeah, where’s your plan?” and “It may be blank, but at least we have a plan!”

- If the President mentions the possibility of military action against Iran (which includes but is not limited to references to “retaliation” and “not ruling out” military options…), the party becomes a “War Party.” The War Party requires all participants to cheer, pump their fists, toast each other, and drink. Everyone must exclaim “Get ‘em!” and “What could possibly go wrong?” The War Party ends when everyone’s glass is empty, at which point everyone has to stare around the room at each other, exclaim “What have we done!?” and sit down.

- During the Domestic portion of the speech, keep your eyes peeled. At any time, anyone can choose to silently extend their hand forward, palm up, to receive a Corporate Handout. When you see someone do this, you must do so as well (thus becoming one of “The Rich”). The last person to extend their hand becomes “The Bottom 90%” and must drink, while everyone else yells things like “Who let him in?!” and “Get a job!” and “You’d be pulling your own weight if you didn’t drink so much!”

- Whenever the President makes mention of “tax cuts” or “tax breaks” or “tax relief” or “making tax cuts permanent,” pump your fist in glee and exclaim “Yes!” Hold the pose. The last person to do this automatically becomes The Future, the living embodiment of generations yet to come. All the other players must then take The Future’s drink and pass it between them, taking large sips. During this, The Future should protest weakly, saying things like “Whoa, easy there,” and “Hey, leave me something, huh?” This continues until The Future’s drink is empty.**

- Drink at the mention of this year’s “Switchgrass/Hydrogen Car” mention - AKA something he has never mentioned previously, and will never bring up again.

Section 2 - On-Camera Drinkitunities

[This year, with a lame duck behind the lectern, most of the real action is going to happen during the camera cutaways. Here are some to watch for.]

- Drink every time you see Barack Obama practicing his “President Face” on Camera

- Drink every time you see Hillary Clinton making her “C’mon. Obama Would Make a Better Vice President Face” on camera

- Drink every time a Republican puts his bag down on/leg across the seat that Chuck Hagel wants to use.

- Drink every time John McCain is stopped from rushing the stage for another “Presidential Hug Photo op.”

- Drink every time Dick Cheney has his “Oh God? Do We have To Stand Up Again?” face.

- Everybody does a shot if Nancy Pelosi rolls her eyes. Woo!

- If Joe Lieberman kisses Bush again, everybody playing has to stick their own finger down their throat, vomit up everything, and start again.

–

And finally, a variation from Sienna, which may be used to replace the Iran rule above:

If Bush announces, or even hints, at an attack on Iran, everybody has to look down at the floor while the joyous mood drains from the room. Then, all players have to leave the party to a dank, urban bar — I’ve picked Ye Rustic Inn, in Los Feliz, in case you want to join me — and drink cheap rye whiskey until loaded, then pick up an equally sad and sad looking person in the bar to take home for sweaty and pleasureless sex. Then, just as the other person has gone off to a drunken slumber, all players are required to weep, clutch the stranger with inappropriate enthusiasm, and whisper, “Please, God, hold me.”
____________________________________________________

*No matter how dangerously drunk the Pre-empted Nation becomes, nobody is permitted to suggest that they be given a break. Anyone who does so immediately becomes “France,” and is obliged to finish their own drink while being ridiculed by the other players.

**Certain more, um, progressive groups of players might want to consider literally screwing The Future for good measure. Because this is just a game rather than our actual reality, however, everyone’s consent is required, including The Future’s.