As a lot of you know, I rarely get involved in the cacophonous fray known as “the blogosphere,” that magical land where journalism meets ridiculism and the two become hopelessly snarled. Over the years, I’ve steadfastly maintained that I simply do not post about blogs or bloggers, and I’ve held firm to that promise. With only a couple of exceptions. Or maybe a couple dozen exceptions. Pretty firm, anyway - it’s a solemn pledge I’ve kept only in the few (dozen) instances when I haven’t.

Already you can see why I don’t fit in with the blogging community - I’m too reliable.

But I’ve never offered a full explanation as to why I avoid getting involved in the thing that I am, by definition, involved in. In case you’re a typical blog reader and don’t intend to click to read the details “below the fold,” let me see if I can encapsulate my premise in an easily digestible nugget:

Blogs suck. You should never, ever trust anything you read on a blog. Not even this.

I told you I wanted only a splash of cranberry, idiot! Take it back! And don’t give me that look - I can send you right back to Jakarta and you can spend the rest of your life sewing swooshes onto sneakers. How would you like THAT, smartass? What did you - what? Readers? HERE? Oh…

I beg your pardon - I didn’t expect anyone to be reading this far. I was just having a quick tete-a-tete with my houseboy, Nico. My apologies…

Anyway, as long as you’re here, I’ll elaborate.

You might have noticed my publication this week of the diary of journalist/blogger Michelle Malkin as she prepares for her courageous journey to Iraq. It was a rare honor, and I’ll continue to publish her thoughts… if she goes to Iraq. She might not, it seems. Jamil Hussein has been found.

I’m not going to burden you with the whole story. No blogger ever does. So I’ll just tell you the parts that help make my point and leave out the stuff that complicates the issue and gives you the chance to make up your own mind.

A couple of months ago the conservative side of the blogosphere began yelling about the bias of the Associated Press, their reliance on “stringers” and their repeated use of questionable sources. Why were the sources questionable? Because they seemed to paint a picture of a brutal and chaotic Iraq. The real story, of a slightly-less brutal and chaotic Iraq, was being obscured by these yellow journalist with their fake sources.

“Fake?” Why, yes. Some time after Thanksgiving, someone noticed that the AP had used the same source, a police officer named “Jamil Hussein,” 60 times over the past couple of years. He seemed to be the go-to guy for reports about violence and chaos and chaotic violence.

Skipping ahead a bit, the blogosphere stepped in to investigate this so-called officer, and found out that he didn’t exist! Well, at least the Iraqi Interior Ministry had no record of him and the US military reported what the Ministry said and none of Michelle Malkin or her friends’ sources could find him and the AP wasn’t talking!! Jamilgate! That, in fact, is what they began to call it. Less-temperate bloggers came right out and called the AP liars and propagandists, more-temperate bloggers screamed their bloody heads off, and Eason Jordan offered to send Michelle Malkin to Iraq to investigate. If you question the wisdom of the former head of a news channel sending a columnist and well-known ideologue into a war zone to investigate the work of a journalist… well, then welcome to the internet. We can send mail through these devices too, believe it or not.

By late December, a woman named Nancy French, blogging for the National Review Online, felt comfortable enough about the veracity of the Jamilgate story to write:

November: After months of therapy trying to “find himself,” Iraqi Jamil Hussein realizes he doesn’t exist after all — in spite of his frequent mentions in the Associated Press. A blogger uncovers the revelation that the AP used false sources and fabricated stories of war atrocities. James Frey doesn’t see what the big deal is, since a “higher truth” is being told.

Funny! We bloggers know how to bring da zing, don’t we? It seemed like the party would never stop, right up until the moment, two days ago, when the party stopped.

At which point people began pretending that the party hadn’t, in fact, stopped…

[NOTE - I’m going to take a walk, and possibly a shower, and return to this later. Probably. We bloggers, after all, have no obligation to finish what we start. Until later! (Maybe!)]

[Okay, I’m back. A good walk, though without any jogging thanks to shin splints. Still, 4 miles have been logged. Actual journalists have editors, just about any of whom would delete this entire paragraph. Nyaah, nyahh!]

Where was I? Oh yeah - so when the Jamil Hussein “scandal” turned out to not be a scandal, you’d expect the accusers to print retractions, apologies, and mea culpas, allowing that group dynamics and wishful thinking led to an unfortunate riot of mistaken assumptions, wouldn’t you? Mostly, you’d expect everyone to turn now to the very troubling question of why the Iraqi Interior Ministry AND the US military denied the man’s existence…

Again, welcome. This “worldwide web” is an amazing thing. Did you know you can buy books here too?

No, faced with the staggering revelation that the AP’s source, Baghdad police officer Jamil Hussein was - it turns out - a police officer in Baghdad who operated under the name “Jamil Hussein,” the right side of the blogosphere responded in a number of unique ways. They are claiming that there are still a lot of important questions to be answered, that they saw verifying Hussein’s existence as a first step all along, that getting the AP to get the Iraqis to reveal that Hussein did exist was a victory for bloggers everywhere, and that none of this proves that anything Jamil Hussein told the AP was true.

Most entertainingly, the bloggers on the right are now mocking the bloggers on the left for only coming to this party now that the right’s been proven wrong:

The Moonbats (Finally) Notice Jamil Hussein

Better late than never, I suppose.

Despite a virtual moonbat blackout of the Jamil Hussein story for most of its life so far, they’re all a-twitter now. Turns out the moonbat bloggers knew about the story all along–they just didn’t want to publicize it. Now that they see a chance to ding the media skeptics on our side, they’re all over the story…

The logic here is that by refusing to add to the gigantic echo-chamber of noise surrounding the non-story about an AP source who it turns out did not not exist, the left has a lot of nerve mentioning the non-story now that it’s been shown to not have been a story in the first place. What’s the point of manufacturing a gigantic and false distraction if half of the blogosphere refuses to be distracted by it? How dare the left pretend that this non-story didn’t exist?

[For you new “surfers” on the “internets,” you should know that “moonbat” is a term used by conservatives to refer to liberals. “Wingnut” is the liberal term for conservatives. These affectionate nicknames promote communication and thoughtful dialog between the two sides and help both camps understand and respect each others’ views.]

In fairness, I did find one conservative blogger, Stephen Spruiell (also at the NRO) who seems to understand what’s happened:

The Iraqi Interior Ministry appears to have committed a colossal error here, and if the AP’s reporting is correct, then the U.S. military and a number of conservative bloggers, myself included, gave the MOI too much credit and the AP too little in the criticism that followed…
For their part, conservative bloggers and media critics need to tone down the rhetoric about collusion with the enemy. I’m not exempting myself from this criticism.

However, stating the above makes me a bad blogger. Let me try again:

Stephen Spruiell still doesn’t get it. Leading the charge in wing-nuttery, he flies in the face of facts, still nattering on about the AP’s “collusion with the enemy” and (I quote!) “exempting myself from criticism.”

There. That’s better.

Is the left side of the blogosphere better? As a liberal, I can assure you that it is much, much better, much more responsible, and demonstrates a new breed of ethical citizen journalism that is promoting positive changes in the way we receive and process information.

Heh.

No, even though there are a few blogs that I like (I’ve linked to them on these pages), when all is said and done… blogs suck. For all the good that they’ve done (and any blogger will happily lecture you about the triumphs of the blogosphere), there’s simply too much bullshit out there. And the bullshit isn’t even close to being “independent” bullshit anymore. Bloggers have become the archetypal Useful Idiots.

Consider the story of Jamil Hussein. Fox News employee (and independent blogger) Michelle Malkin received word from her “sources” as well as the Iraq Interior ministry that the AP’s source, Jamil Hussein, might not exist. For six weeks - six bloody, tragedy-filled weeks - scores of “independent” American political bloggers devoted themselves to trumpeting, puffing, and strutting around this new banner of Media Deception, clogging the virtual airwaves with self-righteous screeds about accountability and propaganda…

Bloggers: Consider the source of the story that Jamil Hussein didn’t exist. And then consider that the subsequent explosion in the blogosphere might be exactly what they wanted. And that’s something for both sides of the political spectrum to consider. We are, in general, not trained journalists. We are rabidly opinionated. And that makes us ideal targets for anyone trying to promote a lie or provide a smokescreen.

I don’t exempt myself from this. I’m not sure whose lie I’m promoting right now, but it’s definitely someone’s. I’m pretty sure that these are not, in fact, my real opinions, though I believe them fervently. So hear me now, and hear me well - you can’t trust blogs. Especially not this one.

Nico! Those spritzers aren’t gonna make themselves…