• Faced with the options in Iraq - Go Big, Go Long, or Go Home - President Bush will choose all three. A larger force will be sent in, many pronouncements will be made about “staying until the job is done,” and then, before year’s end, the “job” will be declared “done” and our troops will begin to come home.
  • Nintendo will release an exciting new martial arts game for the Wii - “Super Extreme Blades of Honor Ronin Strike Force Revolution XL II.” Several Americans will die in its first week of release, Wii controllers embedded in their chests.
  • The new Congress will authorize literally trillions of dollars in spending for 2007, prompting conservatives to holler for the heads of the spendthrift Democrats. Anyone who goes off-script and points towards the 2.8 trillion dollars that found their way into the 2006 budget will be silenc- This will be an unconscionable waste of taxpayers money.
  • Having “gotten the job done” in Iraq, some people will notice the country still seems to be engaged in an ever more violent civil war. Responding to the peoples’ demands, the President will then appoint an independent task force to determine what the “job” was.
  • The big movies of the year will be the giant sequels involving juvenile wizards and guys with spider-like abilities. The religious right will angrily grouse that the media establishment all but ignored the simple, conflict-free beauty of “The Nativity Story 2: Born Again.”
  • Nintendo will be forced to publish detailed warnings about its new game for its American customers: “While playing ‘Super Extreme Blades of Honor Ronin Strike Force Revolution XL II,’ do not plunge your Wii controller into your opponent’s chest. Actually stabbing someone through their ribcage and into their heart may result in injury and/or death.” Lawyers will call this warning “too little, too late,” and multiple class-action lawsuits will be filed.
  • The album of the year will be “Batshit” by Kanye West, an album of duets with such legends as R. Kelly, Courtney Love, Whitney Houston, and Britney Spears. The all-star finale, “We Like Pudding (Holla for Pudding)” will become the official anthem of rehab centers and “spas” around the nation.
  • The President’s independent task force will determine that “the job” in Iraq was to give the Iraqi people “every opportunity to live in freedom.” The White House will express its disappointment that the Iraqis “didn’t step up to the plate.”
  • Ashlee Simpson, incensed at having been left off “Batshit,” will have a second set of breasts implanted on her shoulders.
  • Exhausted by yet another lawsuit (”People with Wii Controllers Lodged in Their Nostrils v. Nintendo”), Nintendo will pull the Wii from the U.S. market, blaming “litigious idiots” for ruining everyone’s good time. A class action lawsuit will be filed to get the game maker to return the device to American shelves.
  • Offering a clue as to their analysis of their ‘08 prospects, the Republican machinery will begin to push forward the nomination of “Bob Dole, or somebody like that.” By December, the campaign to “Take Back America in ‘10 (After It’s Taken From Us)” will be in full swing and looking for a catchier name.