With only 26 more righteous outrage days left until Christmas, what appears to have been the first volley in this year’s Defense of the Holiday has been fired by Bill Donahue, the head of the Catholic League. He’s the one who is always standing shoulder to shoulder with Evangelicals on nearly every political issue, ignoring the fact that Evangelicals think his religion is at best, barely-Christian, and at worse, a Pagan Cult of Mary-Lovin’.

Donahue and his organization, whose stated mission is to defend “the right of Catholics – lay and clergy alike – to participate in American public life without defamation or discrimination” (I can’t tell you how many times my own Catholicism has earned me a blast from The Man’s water cannon) – ran a paid advertisement in the New York Times the other day in the Op Ed pages entitled Celebrate Diversity: Celebrate Christmas. The text of this ad is here:
A few highlights:

“…96 percent of Americans celebrate Christmas. So why do we have to tippy toe around the religious meaning of Christmas every December?”

Well, for one thing, have you noticed the way the “true meaning of Christmas” drags A Charlie Brown Christmas to a screeching halt? Man, when Linus snaps his fingers, and the lights of the auditorium go down, that’s as good a time as any to hit the fridge or bathroom.

“There is something sick about Friendship Trees, Winter Solstice Concerts, Holiday Parades, and Holly Day Festivals.”

Indeed…”sick.” These things are so sick and disturbed that Cardinal Bernard Law might cover up for these celebrations and shift them to a different parish. Way to see the forest for the Friendship Tree, Bill!

“Diversity means respect for the traditions and heritages of all groups, not just those who have been cherry-picked by the multi-cultural gurus.”

Certainly a valid point. And I think “multi-cultural gurus” is a much more musical name for “Jews” too.

Here’s where it gets really good.

“To be excluded is normal. Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Veteran’s Day, Black History Month, Gay Pride Parades—they all exclude someone.”

Good, it’s normal! When the massive media and cultural juggernaut that is Black History month slams against our shores every February, I will know not to feel too bad. Now it won’t hurt so much when I walk into Wal Mart and one of the greeters bellows “HAPPY BLACK HISTORY MONTH!” to me. I always feel so left out, I run right over to Wal Mart’s Dashiki aisle and stock up.

But here is my favorite part:

“The Olympic Games are a showcase of segregation – men are barred from women’s sports – yet not even radical feminists call it sexist.”

Where on Earth is this one coming from? Sounds to me that one Christmas morning, a young Bill Donahue was given a field hockey stick and plaid skirt from Santa, and was still forced by his school to play Lacrosse. (Still, “radical feminists” is much more musical than “Lezzies.”)

Merry Christmas, everyone. I won’t be hurt if you don’t say it back to me. I’ll just view it as “cultural rationing” in the “War on Christmas.”