The First Biennial “Predict the Surprise” Contest!

Oh, cooper — now your fiction’s gone too far!

Thanks to a dedicated group of savvy cyberspace detectives, it will be revealed that the IM’s sent to “pages” by ex-Rep. Foley were actually intercepted and answered by a group of George Soros funded middle-aged Democrats intent on exposing the representative’s sexual orientation. The Republican party, with its long history of embracing diversity and welcoming gays, will benefit from the backlash against this scheme as the 0.03% of the undecided voters who didn’t know about Foley before and are sickened by this display of typical liberal intolerance, the will rush to the voting booths on Nov 7 and vote straight (so to speak) Republican.

Sorry folks but I don’t thing that anyone can top this for an October surprise.

The second coming of Christ is George W. Bush.
Watch for the exclusive on Fox news.

Within a week, the Bush Administration will appoint a loyal campaign donor to head the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Agency, and only crazed lefty bloggers will notice. But then, on November second…

Two large, unusually late, and very oddly moving hurricanes will wipe out the electrical grids on both coasts, and flood offices of boards of elections, wiping out records only of anyone ever having been registered Democrat in California, Oregon, Washington, Massachusetts, New York, and six other states. By another equally strange twist of meterological fate, the storms will strike too late to re-register these voters.

The new head of NOAA will be quoted as saying, “Wow. Nature is verily the creation of an awesome God, ain’t it?”

Adam, I assume that you want us to predict the future, and not as the Bush history re-writers are doing, predict the past.

I predict that the price of gasoline will hit about $3.70 by May 2007. This will allow the oil companies to recoup the loss they had to endure to return the Republicans to power by dropping the price to $2.30 for several months before the election. OK, this isn’t much of a perdition, sort of like saying, unless something happens, the sun will rise tomorrow.

Of course there is always the tried and true, terrorist alert scare. Because they have cried wolf several (electorially judicious) times before, they will need to make this bigger and better. Perhaps rent a 757 and buzz several medium size cities like Akron or Billings. That should send those foolish voters scattering.

Perhaps they can claim to have captured Osama, no, make that killed him, and blew him into a million little pieces, so they don’t have a body to show, but take their word for it, they got him.

It will be discovered that Bill and Hillary Clinton are secretly the same person, and that all this time, Bill Clinton has been a sham invented by Hillary to hide her secret desire to become a New York senator, because, after all, that’s where all the power is. The next few weeks will see the release of several books detailing her affair with Monica Lewinsky against the sanctity of her marriage to herself, and will contain details that make the Starr Report read like a schoolchild’s first textbook.

The whole thing will, of course, be discovered to be a ruse when people discover that some of the “verbatim” dialogue was, in fact, lifted directly from Dave Barry columns written during the early 90’s, and it becomes absolutely clear that neither Bill nor Hillary are real and that the evil mastermind behind the whole Clinton family is, in fact, Socks the Cat, who has secretly been in cahoots with Karl Rove’s Eviller Clone the whole time as a sleeper cell operative, just waiting for such a situation like this to activate.

But by then, it will be early December.

Can we have a followup “November Surprise” contest, to guess the news that will be supressed until Wednesday, November 8?

Murray’s gas price prediction can be the first entry. I’ll throw in an announcement that the military is considering restarting the draft.

I’m just thinking that with the semi-successful nuclear test in North Korea, some U.S. reaction is guaranteed. And based on past performance, that action will be taken against an unrelated third party that’s a thorn in Our Glorious Leader’s side and has something we want. Yes, to show Noth Korea we mean business, I predict that we are about to invade Venezuela. Regime change time, you Chomsky-thumping dope-growing oil baron! Take than, Kim Jong Il!

War is always good for a quick boost in ratings. Well, at first, anyway.

Back to predictions:
College grants will be promised on October 30 for traditional, stable (must be married only once, must have been married longer than 17 years) families who live 15 to 50 miles from the center of any city larger than 100,000 people. Race not important, wink wink. Funding will be provided from the Aid to Africa program by foreign banks that got the money in the first place.
The Department of Transportation (does that even exist anymore, or is that also part of Homeland Security?) will announce the creation of new freeways in said cities, developed only in the areas that most need it. New Orleans gets first freeway, and actually the last one too, since funding is frozen after the gravel is laid down behind the bulldozers.

Rick — Joe Biden’s been hawking a partition plan to anyone who’ll listen so they’d have a hard time pretending it all came to them in a dream.

Not that they won’t try.

Dick Cheney will give a speech to the Republican Women’s Club of Wheeling, West Virginia. During that speech, he will produce a piece of paper and state “I have here in my hand a list of 205 people that were known to the Democratic leadership as being members of Al Qaeda, and who, nevertheless, are still working and shaping the policy of the Democratic National Committee.”

He will shoot anyone who doesn’t believe him.

Wait, wait! You mean to say he isn’t already the Emperor?

The start of bombing runs on Iran. (Sorry I can’t come up with anything funny right now.)

Just think of it as “Smart minds think alike” Murray… Me no need spelly checkers. Me spell good!

I predict that there will be no need for an October surprise. Instead, the rapture will happen, Republican voters will be twinkled right up to heaven, and there will finally be peace for all us wicked heathens.

With laws that are already in place (aided by some signing statements), Bush will decide there is no need to invade any more foreign countries, but will declare the state with the largest number of Blue votes (California? New York?) to be an enemy combatant state, and invade it. Or maybe he’ll pick on a slightly smaller state that promises an easier target. I’m not perfect at this.

George Bush will once again land on an aircraft carrier, and this time his flightsuit’s codpiece will be large enough to sweep careless sailors off of the deck. He will stand underneath a sign that says, in letters large enough for the most myopic granny to see from across the room on a 13″ screen, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED - AGAIN! WE’RE FARTING THROUGH SILK THIS TIME, FOLKS! He will then announce that, as the liberals are not pro-life, he will have them all shot. The Applause light will flash, and the servicepeople will cheer. Anyone not displaying an adequate level of jubilation will be prodded meaningfully in the back with heavy weaponry.

Completely tangentially, I enjoyed this article, particularly this quote:
“Bachmann, on the other hand, attends an evangelical megachurch and is known for her unsuccessful effort to put a state constitutional amendment against same-sex marriage on the November ballot. If same-sex marriage spreads, she has warned, “public schools would have to teach that homosexuality and same-sex marriages are normal, natural and that maybe children should try them.”

Cover the kids’ eyes! There is nothing normal or natural about two people in love getting married!

Fran did not win she said Bombs not aircraft.
“Bombs. There will be another pseudo-al-Qaeda bombing on US soil. Probably in a blue state.”

I just have to say I’m shocked at this Harold person’s level of cynicism.

Holy crap. It doesn’t look like it was terrorism.

Yankees pitcher’s plane crashes into Manhattan high-rise

NEW YORK (CNN) — Yankees pitcher Cory Lidle was the sole person aboard the plane that crashed Wednesday into a high-rise apartment building in New York, FBI officials told CNN.

Emergency responders found his passport in the street below, the officials said.

The small airplane was a Cirrus SR-20 registered to Lidle, 34, said Yankees manager Joe Torre.

There was a mayday, FAA reports, from the pilot involving a problem with fuel before the aircraft crashed into the 50-story high-rise on Manhattan’s East Side.

One other person was reportedly killed, according to the New York City Fire Department and New York City Police Department.

Reaching back to its favorite historical period, the 19th century, the Republican machine will dust off the Manifest Destiny plan to invade Canada, and President Bush will give the order to go just in time to rescue the mid-term elections for the Party of God. Canadian Prime Minister What’s-His-Face will at first be taken aback, but will then come to accept the sheer brilliance of the creation of the resulting supercountry. Among other benefits, it will end the existence of America’s longest undefended border, freeing up the new Anglo-American behemoth to concentrate all its energies on sealing the border with the North American country to the south and end the surge of job-stealing, Spanish-speaking, Democrat-trending brown ones who seem to think it is ok to seek a better life for themselves and their families, not realizing sympathy for that human impulse actually ended once Euro-Americans had succeeded in securing the New World from the indigenous savages.

French Canadians will at first raise hell, but will ultimately acquiesce, since all persons of French extraction have the now scientifically identified surrender monkey gene.

Ooops, SeattleTammy, I went back and read your post about David Ossman’s party - not until December 6 - my bad. But I’ll want a full report when it happens; photos, too.

I thought his response was utterly bizarre, too. (And you make an excellent suggestion, Cooper.) When he did finally meander closer to answering the question - any regrets about his choices? - he only said was hat he wished Abu Ghraib hadn’t happened. That is to say, the one thing that they’ve managed to pin blame for on someone else.

Maybe I’m misinterpreting; maybe he meant that it really was his plan - the whole Abu Ghraib thing.

What with his new found interest in reading and all, perhaps King George the Denier can find time for this article on loss of fresh water supplies:
http://www.commondreams.org/views06/1010-20.htm

Becca, how about Feingold?

The one bit of truth I’ve ever found in politics, Becca, is that the people you want in office are the people who are least likely to seek it.

Or, to put it more personally, I’m always fascinated by the fact that I immediately develop more respect for someone who looks at the possibility of campaigning for public office and says, “No, that’s just not a priority.”

Well, provided they have the viable possibility. I look at public office daily and admit it’s not a priority, but I have yet to develop any more self-respect…

And my uncanny sense of balance.

My money still says we’re going to invade Venzuela before the end of the month. I’m sure if you asked Bush he’d say that there were no plans on his desk for an invasion, which would be a dead giveaway.

I am sorry to say

The second coming of Christ is George W. Bush.
Watch for the exclusive on Fox news.

David, thanks for the link to the article on fresh water and global warming. So, how’s the water quality on the edge of the Green Swamp?

Off target, but a great YouTube entry from a Bonnie Raitt show @ CrooksandLiars. If you love Bonnie, and who doesn’t, you’ll enjoy this.

Boomer,

Depressing news. The Butler Chain of Lakes, which long held the title of cleanest lake chain in Florida, is now experiencing the onset of blue-green algae blooms (I think I have my color right), which is indicative of deterioration of water quality. The Green Swamp, which is pretty large, and includes everything from out-and-out swamps to dry areas, and sits over a major aquifer, is under increasing assault by developers. This is a follow up, of course, to the toxification of this aquifer by various grove sprays. And more megadevelopments are in the works for the northern end of the Green Swamp. In Central Florida under our Republican one-party political system, 1950s obliviousness has re-emerged with a vengeance. I think all of the environmental progress made under a succession of progressive Democratic governers has been either reversed or rendered ineffectual. The current Republican candidate for governor, who has a substantial lead in the polls, professes to be an environmentalist. But so did Jeb Republo-con Bush.

It ain’t true that there is no difference between contemporary Republicans and contemporary Democrats, at least in Florida. There is a profound fundamental difference.

Pakistan (our bestest friend ever) will reveal that they have captured Osama bin Hidden, and that neither the $$$millions we’ve been giving Perv, nor the threat of back-to-the-stone age-bombing, nor the elections played any part in his tracking/capture/killing. Also, the Repugs will prove that Hillary made up those IMs.

Harold, my local paper is the San Francisco Chronicle…

Actually, they do print the occasional letter along those lines, but I suspect it’s mostly to give us a chuckle in the morning. In our little bubble out here, they probably know all five local wingnuts by name and would be suspicious of any letter blaming Clinton that didn’t come from one of them.

Rocktober surprise - Van Halen will reunite and come out with a fiendishly good new album

Laura Bush will be tentatively diagnosed with Some Awful Thing. Many tears ensue, along with a brand new color of Commemorative Ribbon.

Impossible-to-re-elect Republicans will flock to the local blood and tissue donation centers; those who can’t pass blood tests will be photographed with oversized cardboard checks in painfully large amounts (not a problem since no actual checks will be written.) GWB will be photo’d with major preachers and possibly JC His own self.

Laura and her support group of Repub Wives will make teary-but-brave campaign appearances. She will go into remission/be rediagnosed late on election day.

I’m not cynical. Not at all.

cooper, this is for you, and any other rocketeers out there.

October surprise: A suspected al Qaeda cell will be found in North Carolina, preparing to launch a variety of missiles from a cornfield.

Cooper, I thought Fatherland Security was restricting the sale of model rocket engines. Have they relaxed their leather-gloved grip? Are you using rocket engines stockpiled in the past in anticipation of such an event? Or are you devising other means of propulsion?

Harold, Allahu Akbar! Model rocket motors (Estes type), no problem. High power motors, oh yeah, Mr. Cheney still has a death grip on those and even a harmless person such as myself has to get the dreaded LEUP, submit to a background check, get fingerprinted, and have a minor government employee from the BATFE come to your premises, perform an inspection and read the Riot Act to you. They’re hoping that all the hoops you have to leap through will discourage you from even trying to get the larger, more powerful motors. But they underestimate the fanatic!

Mieke,

Iran is still the best bet for an October surprise, only they’ll dispense with marching in and instead just bomb away. I think the major behind-the-scenes battle is between people in/somehow connected to the administration who want the attack on Iran, for which logistical steps have already been undertaken and are at stage 2, I think, and those who consider this plan suicidal stupidity of the highest order and are doing everything they can to stop this madness, possibly including trying to cripple the neoconidiots.

It’s hell having to make educated guesses over matters of such import which the bastards deign citizens unworthy of being allowed to judge or have a say regarding. “I get to decide,” the Asshole-in-Chief said and apparently believes in an egocentric absolutist sense, in which regard I have trouble distinguishing him from Kim Jong-Il. They both strike me as mentally ill.

Proving once again, one need only dip into the news to find things better than can be made up (you know, that fiction stuff)…

Court may give Saddam verdict on November 5
By Mariam Karouny

“Right now they are checking some testimonies and details. If they finish by then, then they will definitely announce the verdict on November 5,” he told Reuters.

What they forgot to mention was that the court has been sitting on this since when? July 27th.

Scroll down, it’s there.

Ok, that’s a pretty tepid surprise but still, once has to respect the timing of that “U.S.-backed court”.

It could bite them in the ass if there is an outbreak of violence in the wake of the decision. I mean, a bigger than usual outbreak of violence, not the mundane 50-60 killings a day.

(I shudder to think what level of violence it would take to seriously grab the attention of the media these days. Maybe if there was an outbreak of s-e-x instead?)

If they wait long enough, maybe Saddam’s trial will go the way of Milosovich’s trial.