No one is laughing at North Korea’s launch of at least six ballistic missiles yesterday – except of course America’s 13 year old boys who this morning can’t stop snickering over Kim Jong Il’s limp and failing Taepodong. (You can bet that the few starving North Koreans who aren’t brainwashed are muttering the same things about Dear Leader’s tiny Taepodong.)

One thing that analysts seem to agree on is that this is a cry for help from Kim. (At moments like these it’s hard to remember that Team America wasn’t a documentary.)

Kim wants our attention. We cast him in the Axis of Evil, but the buzz these days is all about Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

From student hostage taker to world leader, Ahmadinejad’s got a story arc. No product of nepotism, he earned his right to threaten to wipe other countries off the map. And he looks great: His suits are well cut. He’s got terrific facial hair. (The spread on him in the current issue of Foreign Affairs is stunning.) He’s a Persian Andy Garcia. (If Andy Garcia had Ahmadinejad’s enriched uranium, he’d have George Clooney’s career.) Without question, he’s the It Megalomaniac.

Kim, on the other hand, has got a terrible body and smudged up glasses. Yuck. Someone hand that freak a chamois cloth.

Pyongyang’s bored paparazzi don’t need to ask “Who are you wearing, Dear Leader?” They know the answer: some crappy jumpsuit stitched together by a peasant girl six inches shorter than her South Korean cousin. (Totally true. North Koreans are so malnourished, they’re significantly smaller than their neighbors to the south.)

Worse still Dear Leader is saddled with plutonium. Yesterday’s fissile material.

But rather than draw invidious comparisons between Kim and other Axis of Evil players, I’d like to try and smooth things over. This is a tense situation and mocking Kim further will only make things more geopolitically awkward. (One last observation: I’ve always thought that Kim looks like a three day-old steamed dumpling, with glasses.) So how can we show Kim that he has our attention?

Money? No. We’re spending too much in Iraq and we’ve got a ballooning deficit. Plus it’s too easy. Will Kim think we really care if we just write a check?

Celine Dion? The Canadian songstress continues to amaze in her Vegas spectacular. Sending her there to serenade Kim would surely brighten his day. Then again, if he were a fan, he’d have kidnapped her by now. Besides, one of Kim’s titles is Eternal Sun or something like that. He doesn’t need brightening.

Cheap pharmaceuticals? North Korea doesn’t have a prescription drug plan and Kim turns 65 this February. Should we offer to include him in ours? Probably not. Prices for most drugs have actually risen since the creation of our plan. Plus Kim actually turned 65 last year. (His year of birth was amended so that he would officially be a tidy 30 years younger than his daddy, Great Leader.) So Kim is likely already enrolled in a program.

Kim wants to be the focus of the world. He wants glamour. He wants to be special.

That’s why our best option is Brangelina. To appease Kim Jong Il and save the planet, North Korea needs to be named host country for the birth of Brad and Angelina’s next child. With the birth of their first child, Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt, Namibia became the first African country to be mentioned in Us Weekly. Brangelina put Namibia on the star map. Just think what they could do for North Korea.

The BOC (Brangelian Offspring Committee) is currently considering bids from Laos, Peru, and Albertville. They should call an emergency session, bypass all of those bids, and declare North Korea as the site of their next birthing.