Aaron Spelling, RIP

So, I take it from the title of this post we should rip into Aaron Spelling. It hardly seems fair since he died today, but it’s a slow weekend, so okay.

Mr. Spelling, your TV programs, each one of them, shrank the brains of the every red-blooded American that sat slack-jawed in front of your pathetic pap, wasting time that could have been used reading a book, participating in a team sport, learning a foreign language or playing a musical instrument. But we are talking about Americans, so they wouldn’t have been doing any of those activities anyway, but rather devoting this time to digging through the pantry and refrigerator looking for cheese doodles, pork rinds, Moon Pies, Slim Jims and RC Colas. And since we are talking about Americans after all, multi-tasking is the order of the day, so in addition to stuffing the pie hole, we would IM-ing our friends, yakking on the cell (too loudly, again), voting for American Idol and channel surfing to our comfort food for the brain - Fantasy Island and Charlie’s Angels. This culture is doomed!

Oh, and your daughter, Tori, couldn’t carry a tune in a 50 foot semi.

Here’s what I want to know: how did he get all the right parts to jiggle and everything else to stay in place? I mean, I’m all for scotch-tape and stuff but there had to be more to it than that.

Oh, come on now. Every time three moderately attractive women stride into a room together, I expect them to stop and do the Charlies Angels pose. And that’s a good thing.

TV is mindless fluff, and Mr. Spelling’s mindless fluff was above average. For mindless fluff, that is.

Ann, Euro TV? Nein! But I have seen Canadian and yes, they do seem to be walking in lock step 10 years behind American “sophistication”. What ever happened to “be the best that you can be”? The television experience is a sad waste of possiblilities and excited electrons. (BTW, what are they so excited about, it’s only TV?)

There’ll never be another Spelling. For who could fill the gap left by his parting? Who could fulfill his mission? I mean, who?

Really. Who?

He did things, with people, to make stuff, that people watched, because they liked to watch stuff.

Who else had the courage to show us what America really meant, and how much those true Americans really suffered, while we watched, watching, and watching, were watched, while we watched, because, really, in the end, it’s all about who is watching who is watching. I think.

Aaron Spelling was America, at least, he was his America, which included all those things, with people. And things.

(In tribute to Spelling’s greatness: how many of us, with older sisters hopelessly addicted to Love Boat, exiled on lonesome winter Saturday nights to the old blank-and-white, have become lifelong NHL fans? And did His Spellingness ever take credit? Never.)

Ahh yes, Casey, but as we found out on WWDTM this week, duct tape does cure warts.

http://www.aafp.org/afp/20030201/tips/8.html

The TV execs who do real damage are not those who produce crap, but those who produce crap that isn’t quite bad enough to make you change the channel. By this standard, Spelling was blameless.

I always thought Tori was really in her element when she was shilling for Dogswell dog food. The acorn doesn’t fall far from the tree, does it?

The heaven thing is a tad optimistic. I don’t think he’ll ever be forgiven for T.J. Hooker.

cooper,

No, I’m all-American. It was my granny who was an ex-pat Newfie. My mom lived there from ages 4 to 14. It would take a whole lot of scrunchions (I’m still not sure what they are) to get me to live on the Rock, but it was nice to visit.