Middletown, US (F.A. “Lifestyles” feature) - Brendon Teffton is a high school senior with everything. He’s got a 3.8 grade point average, a large group of friends, a runnning back position on the Middletown Maulers, and he’s dating the homecoming queen.

And he’s thinking of turning gay.

“Why wouldn’t I?” asked Teffton this week after the United States Senate failed to pass a constitutional ban on gay marriage. “The government has taken away my last reason to not be gay.”

All across America, millions of teens reacted with the same resignation, seeing little reason to maintain their heterosexuality in a country where the once-inherent advantages of straightness are being systematically stripped away by activist judges and slow-moving lawmakers.

“I was going to start dating boys this year,” said Michelle Connor, 16, from nearby Peoplesville High. “But now, I’m like, ‘Why bother?’ I’d might as well check out being a lesbian.”

Teens say their uncertainty is based on the fact that in this increasingly busy era they simply do not have the time to learn about how to please members of a completely different gender.

“It’s about efficiency for me,” said Brian Molette, a Middletown junior who looks like he gets beat up a lot. “Theoretically I’d like to date girls, but it’s so much work for no clear sociological or practical advantage. If I can get married and have kids with a guy, why would I bother learning all that stuff?”

“All that stuff,” according to most teens, includes the various challenges associated with getting to know the opposite sex. Like their parents and their parents’ parents, today’s kids are bewildered by the social and physical differences between boys and girls. Unlike previous generations, though, there is absolutely no reason for them to unlock those mysteries.

“Screw ‘em,” said Teffton, after officially breaking up with his cheerleader girlfriend. “I’m gonna be gay.”

“How to talk to a girl is hard enough, but add in the physical stuff and it’s way too steep a learning curve,” argued Molette, who by using phrases like ‘learning curve’ really does seem to be begging to be stuffed into a locker. Nevertheless, his feelings are shared by many. “I know how my own gender’s body works. It seems wasteful to devote so much energy to figuring out how to deal with all those unfamiliar parts.”

“Boys are gross,” agreed Tasha Morris, 7, who was really talking about something else but whose quote seemed to fit with this article. Ms. Morris asked that this reporter also mention that horsies are very pretty.

The Senate’s failure to pass the amendment had immediate impact on teens’ perceptions of other institutions as well. “Yesterday I could have told you what a family was,” said Justin Betel, 15. “Now… it’s when more than one person sleeps under the same roof or something, right? Are me and my mom and my dad a ‘family?’ And is that important in any way? I used to think so, but now I just don’t know.”

Middletown principal Frank Closetsky doesn’t see the problem going away any time soon, and says the government must act now or lose heterosexuality forever. “If only sexuality was some kind of natural impulse that generated an unequivocal momentum of its own. If only there were people who felt some sort of strong, natural, undeniable attraction to members of the opposite sex, then this kind of legal action wouldn’t be necessary.”

Tragically, according to Principal Closetsky and many experts, such a force of attraction does not exist. “First Mother Nature failed us, and now America has,” said Closetsky, who also blames Congress for the recent failure of his own marriage. He is far from an isolated case. And with the government’s refusal to act today, many fear that we may have seen the last of straight people.

“It’s the logical end-game,” agreed Mr. Molette, dangling from a locker room coat hook by his underwear. “The future is gay.”