Q: So, I heard the the US is secretly funding warlords in Somalia. Is this true?
A: Absolutely not.
Q: Really?
A: Okay, we are.
Q: Great. Why?
A: Because if we don’t fund the secular warlords then an Islamist government will take over and they will harbor al Qaeda and it’ll be like Afghanistan all over again.
Q: Okay. So these warlords. Are they… interested in democracy?
A: Oh yes! Completely. Eager, machete-wielding little Adamses and Jeffersons, every one.
Q: Really?
A: Oh come ON. They’re warlords. What part of the word “warlord” sounds democratic?
Q: But I thought that freedom was a powerful idea.
A: Oh it IS. And these guys definitely want to be free.
Q: So if they take power, are they committed to a program of -
A: You just don’t get it, do you? This isn’t about democracy. Not in Somalia. That place is a MESS.
Q: What do you mean?
A: These guys are never going to take power and establish a democratic government. They’re a bunch of friggin’ warlords. They are lords who make war. And as long as they have guns and money, they will continue to prevent those crazy Islamists from taking over the place and establishing a new Terrorland theme park. Kapeesh?
Q: But the Somali people -
A: What? “Deserve freedom?” “Need a hug?” “Will welcome us with dancing and flowers?”
Q: …
A: Jesus, sometimes you “Q” people can be so fucking naive.
Q: So if these warlords win, will-
A: Who cares? They’re not going to win. And even if they, do, well, we’ll deal with ‘em THEN as the people who gave ‘em guns.
Q: But isn’t this exactly what the Islamists want?
A: Yes, they want to be blown up by warlords. What are you talking about?
Q: Their ideology is all about this, isn’t it?
A: Their ideology is all about hating us for our freedoms.
Q: But I thought -
A: Or do you wanna keep getting your information from Gullible Incorporated? Their offices are one the 75th floor of the World Trade Center, you know…
Q: But -
A: *snicker*
Q: …
A: …
Q: You realize that this “hate us for our freedoms” thing is counterproductive, don’t you?
A: What?
Q: It sets up a dangerous misconception. It’s not like these Islamists are walking around Mogadishu and saying “Hey, join our movement, we’re against America’s freedoms.”
A: That’s not a “question,” strictly…
Q: Politically speaking, the Islamists offer a kind of tradition-based stability in a world that they say is being disrupted and exploited by the United States and its allies. In their view, Americans will do anything and everything to keep Muslims disorganized, poor, and fearful, even if it means giving money and weaponry to disreputable or unethical people. So by funding these warlords, isn’t the US playing directly into the hands of the Islamists?
A: Not if we can keep them off balance and -
Q: They just took Mogadishu.
A: What? When?
Q: A few hours ago.
A: …
Q: …
A: …
Q: …
A: Well then, we’ll just have to send in troops.
Q: What!?
A: We might have to get the UN involved, we’re a little tapped out right now. Maybe a coalition…
Q: What are you talking about?
A: Look - a brutal dictatorship has just taken over Somalia. The Somali people are yearning to be free. They deserve freedom. Democracy is a powerful idea. Let’s roll.
Q: But those warlords -
A: Please - “freedom fighters.”
Q: But -
A: Or do you hate freedom?
Q: Me? No, I was the one who -
A: Hmm, according to your phone records, you have been talking to a lot of people with funny-sounding names…
Q: [runrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrun… SLAM!]
A: Huh. He didn’t even finish his frappuchino.
[We hear slurping sounds as we FADE OUT…]
Fanny Roborat
40 comments
don
June 5, 2006 at 4:53 pm
1My ears did perk up when I heard this little story on the news this morning.
I guess we should get ready to send down a Blackhawk …
Or send a Blackhawk down …
Or …
Murray
June 5, 2006 at 5:50 pm
2I think that Bush took a bet early on that he could screw up more things than all the other presidents combined. He has so little time and so many more bad ideas to go.
nato
June 5, 2006 at 5:59 pm
3and with each bad idea put into play, surely he’s humming oops, I did it again . . .
Murray
June 5, 2006 at 6:03 pm
4Uhh… I don’t understand, what’s this got to do with gay marriage?
SeattleDan
June 5, 2006 at 6:04 pm
5And “Activist” judges?
cooper
June 5, 2006 at 6:06 pm
6Or burning the flag?
Ann
June 5, 2006 at 6:09 pm
7Let’s not lose sight of the fact that illegal immigrants are singing our national anthem in Spanish.
Chuggo
June 5, 2006 at 6:18 pm
8Or Terri Schiavo.
dee
June 5, 2006 at 6:20 pm
9Also from that article:
A United Nations team charged with monitoring a U.N. arms embargo against Somalia has also said it is investigating an unnamed country’s clandestine support for the warlords alliance as a possible violation of the weapons ban.
Think anyone will mention this when Condoleeza comes calling at the UN for sanctions against Iran?
Nah…didn’t think so.
Okay, time to leave the country for a while. Tomorrow I’m off to La Belle France. Y’all have two chores while I’m gone: keep sending good vibes to the Tigers (STILL the best team in baseball, but hanging on by a thread) and don’t let that idiot in the White House invade anything.
Maximum Bob
June 5, 2006 at 6:22 pm
10Q: Let’s roll? Are you kidding me? Where are the troops coming from? Planning to reinstate the draft?
A: No, don’t be silly. We’ll just send our troops in Iraq to Somalia for their R-and-R. Of course, we’ll have to rename the place; we’re thinking Funland or I-Can’t-Believe-It’s-Not-Fallujah.
Hot Tub Tommy
June 5, 2006 at 6:32 pm
11Yes, Terri Schiavo! Sob. Sniff. God asked me to save her, but the “Activist Judges” were too powerful! I count that as the biggest and only failure of my life.
Thomas DeLay - Abortion Crusader/Lobbyist/Border Patrol Trainee/Patriot
Doc Nagel
June 5, 2006 at 6:34 pm
12Illegal immigrants are singing the national anthem in Terri Schiavo?? If only God were allowed in public schools, our freedoms would be more secure from the Islamists and Activist Judges now running amok in Mogadishu… If I’ve followed you…
siobhan
June 5, 2006 at 9:50 pm
13All I can say is: Thank Lob! (ster) that I’ve found a nice, delicious, relatively affordable everyday wine.
Harold
June 5, 2006 at 10:10 pm
14What about the right of Somalis to display the Ten Commandments in public? And flag burning, don’t forget flag burning. Plus, I’m sure there’s a baseball steroids angle here.
Sharon
June 5, 2006 at 10:36 pm
15Let me see if I’ve got this straight…George Bush’s so-called ‘base,’ the so-called ‘religious right,’ wants a Constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage?
Aren’t these a lot of the same people who deny that the Bill of Rights applies to the States? Aren’t these the same people who want to roll back 200+ years of Constitutional law to the so-called ‘original intent’ of the Founders?
Who’s going to enforce their amendment even if it passed? Which it won’t. Surely not George W. “The Constitution is just a goddamned piece of paper” Bush?
What am I missing here?
siobhan
June 5, 2006 at 10:50 pm
16Sharon: Nothing.
Or everything. Take your pick.
Sharon
June 5, 2006 at 11:41 pm
17Thanks for the sur-reality check, Siobhan.
siobhan
June 6, 2006 at 12:17 am
18Just get it to the bank before 4:00 and it’ll clear.
hedera
June 6, 2006 at 12:27 am
19I guess this is all the Taliban could do after we kicked them out of Afghanistan. We did kick them out of Afghanistan, didn’t we?? Mogadishu is warmer than Afghanistan, too, especially in winter.
SeattleTammy
June 6, 2006 at 1:17 am
20has anyone else heard about this? I found it from patriotboy.blogspot (jesusgeneral.com) it’s normally a blog in the form of a Lazlo Toth letter but they broke character on Memorial Day…those responses are emotional. I follow many of the links I find there and it’s all good. They are affiliated with our local chapter of Drinking Liberally which meets on tuesdays- isn’t that a club you wanta be in?
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2006/05/22/warms2 2.xml&sSheet=/news/2006/05/22/ixnews.html
cooper
June 6, 2006 at 6:27 am
21Interesting link, SeattleTammy. Thanks.
Mary
June 6, 2006 at 9:23 am
22SeatleTammy - that article is enough to start me drinking and it is only 9:15am! 8-o
David
June 6, 2006 at 9:39 am
23There’s a Starbucks in Mogadishu? Wow. The pleasant little coffee shop that triggered the violent fundamentalist takeover of a capital city. And the great experiment in the ape which can talk makes sense how?
Mary,
It’s 9:15 am? Where have you been? The bar opened at 5 am edt, so even in California you’re over an hour late.
Sharon
June 6, 2006 at 11:17 am
24Faux News is running with this story about the terrorist training camps across the border in Canada. (We have 3 teevees here at the library–they’re set to Fox, CNN, and everyone’s favorite, the Weather Channel.) I would really like to see someone tell us that Canada found these guys using old-fashioned police-style investigative/intelligence work, and not by tapping every phone in Canada. If that is in fact the case.
Ann
June 6, 2006 at 1:05 pm
25“[T]hey want heavily to arm President Hamid Kharzai’s government”? Is that like wanting desperately? People, people, the split infinitive is your friend!
Anyway, what’s all this about drinking in Seattle on Tuesdays? I can’t help but notice that it’s Tuesday today, and by golly, I’m in Seattle…
SeattleDan
June 6, 2006 at 3:29 pm
26Hey Ann. Acutally Tammy and I haven’t attended one of these Tuesday sessions yet. I believe it is held at the tavern on 24th Ave East in Montlake,across from the library.SeattleTony will be gone to Art School later this summer (late June to late July),so perhaps we can meet you there one of those Tuesdays.
Dale
June 6, 2006 at 4:26 pm
27Slurping sounds leading to FADE OUT is probably the best way to experience 2000-2008 (and beyond?). For the hard, barless hours of 2am-5am, I recommend Nyquil.
cooper
June 6, 2006 at 6:57 pm
28This whole concept of arming these warlords, the same ones that shot down the Blackhawk and drug the dead soldiers through the streets, is so pathetic and stupid that Bush had to have approved the plan, don’t you think? Unbelievable!
JR
June 6, 2006 at 7:31 pm
29This Constitution which so desperately needs amending, bits of which (the civil rights bits, mostly) do not apply to the states, was yet divinely inspired (http://ldsfaq.byu.edu/view.asp?q=384). You’d kind of think the Great Lobster would’ve thought about gays and flags and what not back in 1789, no? Consistency is required only if your audience has an attention span greater than the average Drosophila melanogaster.
David,
Not to be a chrono-nazi or anything, but I think the planet revolves the other way. If it’s 5am EDT it is only 3am here behind the Zion Curtain–and 2am in Cali where the bars have not yet closed. (unless Mary is in Europe, or I’m reading your post entirely wrong–which is quite possible.)
Murray,
What’s the over on Bush’s bet?
cooper
June 6, 2006 at 11:10 pm
30JR, how does one keep one’s sense of humor (or sanity, for that matter) living in the land of the teetotalers? Just curious.
Murray
June 6, 2006 at 11:22 pm
31JR, God, hellifiknow.
Becca (and Brian)
June 7, 2006 at 2:31 am
32Hey Cooper (and all)-
I don’t even know what to say in response to this latest entry (other than kudos Adam). Time to sigh heavily and disgustedly and go find a good NZ beer (which do actually exist).
Thanks for checking in on the blog. We’re taking a few days to relax before around Lake Taupo (north Island, New Zealand)and should have the rest of the reports on the north island up in the next few days. Then it’s off to our last major destination: Australia (unless we can figure out a quick trip to Borneo in there). The danger of reading FA and the news too regularly though is it makes us want to just keep on going around the globe again. Surely we can avoid coming back until after 2008? (I suppose that wouldn’t work though as we need to be back to fight the good fight)
Still bummed we’re going to miss Felberpalooza and the chance to meet you all. Can’t wait to hear stories.
It’ll be one year on the road June 14th. Raise a glass of your favorite for us.
Becca (and Brian)
Murray
June 7, 2006 at 9:13 am
33JR
Mary is in Michigan (Go Blue!) so it’s EDST.
Mary
June 7, 2006 at 12:48 pm
34There’s a bar open at 5:00am????? I need that address.
David
June 7, 2006 at 7:48 pm
35JR,
Due to how I was dealing with reality when I wrote that post, there was some reverse rotation going on….
On the other hand, when it is 9:15 am edt on the edge of the Green Swamp, it’s 6:15 am edt on the Left Coast, and since the Bar at the End of the Universe opened at 5am God’s time (which is whatever time it is in the Green Swamp), Mary was still at least an hour and a quarter late if she drank the beer which was or wasn’t there in the bar that did or didn’t exist at the End of the Universe that is or isn’t…or something.
JR
June 7, 2006 at 8:27 pm
36Coop,
You are assuming I am sane. I moved here voluntarily.
That aside…there is a surprising dichotomy in this valley. Salt Lake City (and to a lesser extent SL County) is the bluest of blue islands in a deep red sea. Check out Salt Lake’s mayor Rocky Anderson some time. He drives the state legislature crazy(ier). The second biggest parade in town after the Days of ‘47 Pioneer Celebration is the Gay Pride Parade (last weekend). There is an excellent four-day arts festival coming up at the end of the month and the main SL Library is an architectural gem.
The liquor laws, however, are insane. One of the reigning members of the alcohol commission is convinced that anyone who has ever had a drink is by definition an alcoholic. There are several levels of liquor license depending on the type of establishment. Taverns can only serve 3.2 and wine coolers. Restaurants can serve mixed drinks, wine and beer but only with a food order and never over the bar. A server has to come around and give you your drink over-the-shoulder as it were. The closest to what would be considered a “normal” establishment anywhere else are the “private clubs for memebers only” which are not really since anyone can become a member for an evening by paying the “membership fee” (i.e., cover charge). In any event, all liquor is poured in electronically metered measured shots. There is no such thing as a double–or a comp. I do all my drinking at home.
The people, as long as you stay away from religion and politics, are extremely friendly, cheerful and helpful. And only one or two have ever tried to convert me. I invite them over for drinks.
hedera
June 8, 2006 at 12:12 am
37Have fun in Taupo, Becca and Brian; I enjoyed the NZ beer very much when I visited. You are visiting one of 4 “supervolcano” sites in the world, according to Scientific American: along with Taupo, the others are Toba in Sumatra, Yellowstone National Park, and Long Valley in California. These are volcanos which are to Mt. St. Helens as an atomic bomb is to a kid’s firecracker: 750 cubic kilometers of magma all blowing at once, possibly over 3 days or less. Mt. St. Helens blew out less than .5 cubic kilometers. How did the North American continent rate two of these??
Murray
June 12, 2006 at 10:49 pm
38Hedera,
Well just fu*k.
The next thing you’re going to tell us is that we currently have the worst president in America’s history and that the only person worse is the planarian who would replace him if he died.
OK, just bring on the super-volcanoes, how could it be worse?
hedera
June 13, 2006 at 8:01 pm
39I quarrel with your description of the person who would replace him, Murray. As I recall from biology 101, a planarian is a small (read: microscopic) flat worm, generally innocuous. Or do they infect you with stuff? Frankly I think Big Dick is much nastier than any planarian. I’m not sure he’s worse than a super-volcano; I’ll have to think about it.
matt
June 24, 2006 at 8:23 pm
40this is late, and it’s a really, really lame joke, but…the part of ‘warlord’ that sounds democratic is ‘arlo’. as in arlo guthrie.
sorry, that just popped into my head there. had to get it out.