INT. JEB ‘08 HEADQUARTERS - DAY
[The HQ is a beehive of activity. Staffers are hurrying around everywhere - squeezing past one another, exchanging quick and information-rich sentences, gulping coffee, posting charts, amending whiteboards, sticking pins into maps, shouting into cell phones, crunching numbers, typing emails at blinding speed. Occasionally someone looks up at the giant bank of televisions, tuned to every news outlet in the world.
At the center of all this is GOVERNOR JEB BUSH himself. He’s clearly running the whole operation, engaged in a seemingly impossible number of activities and conversations at once, analyzing reports, and barking out orders.]
JEB: …in the ‘environment and energy’ section we’ll need a more coherent efficiency standards policy, but the rest looks good. Oh, and on page 108, change “alarmed” to “concerned,” okay? Phil, what have you got for me?
PHIL: The new numbers on Ohio. I’m a little worried about 18th district, because -
JEB: Relax, Phil. I told you - as long as we pound the 2nd, 3rd, and 7th with the meat and potatoes, we’ll have plenty for the general election. I’m thinking primaries, and that’s why I need you to focus more on the north, okay?
PHIL: Gotcha.
JILL: Governor Bush, we’ve got a Friday 1 PM for you with McCain.
JEB: Confirmed?
JILL: Yes.
JEB: Perfect - now call him back and see if he can move it to 1:30.
JILL: Yes sir.
GIL: Clever. Hey, I got those budget projections you asked for.
JEB: Great. Let’s get these over to Bill and see if he can correlate them with my tax propos -
[He breaks off as everyone starts shushing each other. Attention is turned to the screens, most of which are now filled with the face of PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH. The President is amiably chatting with interviewers. An aide turns up the sound.]
BUSH: “I think Jeb would be a great president. But it’s up to Jeb to make a decision to run.”
[Everyone freezes, staring at the screens. People stand there, phones forgotten, papers falling from hands, mouths held open. Jeb stares, stunned.]
JEB: God damn it.
[Slowly, people begin to move again. Some head for the exits, shoulders slumped. Others begin cleaning out desks, rolling up banners, turning off computers. The TVs are shut off and the room begins to empty quickly.]
BILL: We could try to get you an ambassadorship. Or maybe you could host a talk show.
JEB: Yeah, maybe.
[We PULL BACK as Jeb sits there in the now nearly-deserted offices. Workmen show up and begin carting away office equipment on dollies. The Governor gets up, looks out the window at the setting sun, sighs, turns the lights off, and EXITS. Behind him, a “JEB ‘08″ banner comes unstuck from the wall, flutters briefly, and falls to the ground.]
Fanny Roborat
66 comments
Harold
May 10, 2006 at 3:06 pm
1Beautifully written, Adam. But the original Reuters story is pretty funny, too, because it portrays a Jeb Bush who is actively refusing to run for President. Now, why would that be? Or, to ask it another way, why would anyone want to inherit the mess that Dubya is going to be walking away from on January 20, 2009?
Maximum Bob
May 10, 2006 at 3:48 pm
2Now if we could only get GWB to follow McCain around and give him a nice, big hug at every campaign rally…
dee
May 10, 2006 at 4:23 pm
3“You’re doin’ a heckuva job there, Jebbie”
ginny
May 10, 2006 at 5:59 pm
4“There has never been a case in U.S. history of two brothers serving as president.”
Well, there probably would have been, if not for the Ambassador Hotel.
Ann
May 10, 2006 at 6:02 pm
5Great Lobster, but I hope you’re right. Perhaps in the future we’ll speak of “The Curse of Dubya,” which dooms the political career of everyone of whom this president speaks favorably.
Sharon
May 10, 2006 at 6:27 pm
6That was one of the most heart-warming pieces I’ve ever read, Adam. Well done!
cooper
May 10, 2006 at 8:30 pm
7What is it with the American political scene, that lately we seem to be interested in establishing dynasties? JFK, then RFK seemed headed for the White House before his untimely end, and there was Teddy, before the swim. Geo. H.W. Bush and now Doofus Bush, maybe Jeb is next. Bill and Hillary Clinton. Is America suddenly having a centuries long suppressed monarchal wet dream? Do we really want royalty? What’s that about? I know, all those illegal immigrants are skewing the demographics, bringing their folklore about their Aztec and Mayan strong men, sowing their subversive seeds. That must be it.
Maximum Bob
May 10, 2006 at 8:36 pm
8We like brand names, coop. Saves us from thinking, don’t ya’ know.
Rhonda
May 10, 2006 at 8:54 pm
9I think I might cry a little.
cooper
May 10, 2006 at 11:00 pm
10“Branding”, of course. I guess I didn’t want to think about that. Thanks again, MaxBob.
Dale
May 10, 2006 at 11:16 pm
11“There has never been a case in U.S. history of two brothers serving as president.”
In most of the US a brother can’t even catch a cab!
SeattleDan
May 11, 2006 at 12:31 am
12Great stuff,everyone.Wish I could be witty,but SeattleTammy and I are getting packed for a trip to the East Coast to visit family and then attend the Big Book Convention in DC (the BEA,or Book Expo America),which,sadly,will lack the author of this years blockbuster bestseller, our own host, Adam Felber. We will try to check in from time to time and let you know how the trip goes.
cooper
May 11, 2006 at 6:34 am
13Bon Voyage, SeattleDan. Keep your head down and enjoy your nation’s capital.
Roisred
May 11, 2006 at 10:16 am
14Dale, I think I love you. I disturbed my whole office laughing.
And Adam, thanks for making my day almost every morning. It’s so nice of you to keep all these smart people around in the comments section.
Justin
May 11, 2006 at 11:50 am
15In Florida, we say “Who knew Jeb was the smart one?”
The word down here among the state GOP politicos is expect a McCain/Bush ticket (in that order). They’ve been spreading that around since early ‘05.
Dale
May 11, 2006 at 12:59 pm
16Hey, roisred: just your luck! I am available! At this point we enter the delicate arena of my unisex name, complicated by the indeterminate gender of “roisred.” Rather than foreclose any options, want to continue to identify as felbersexuals and leave horizons open?
Landis
May 11, 2006 at 1:08 pm
17Dale - one of the best one-liners I’ve ever heard. Very nice!
Sharon
May 11, 2006 at 1:23 pm
18Mama Barbara knew Jeb was the smart one. But what about his messy d-i-v-o-r-c-e? Is that no longer a political liability? I thought a divorce had to age a few decades, followed by a “happy” marriage–like Nancy and Ronald–before it ceased to matter in presidential politics.
dee
May 11, 2006 at 1:28 pm
19If Jeb ever runs I pity the Secret Service agent assigned to Nicole.
Ann
May 11, 2006 at 1:35 pm
20“Felbersexual”! I like that! Considering how Adam felt about “Felberpalooza,” though, I’m not sure whether he’ll approve. I suppose it’s too late to claim Felbersexuality for myself, but when I have to fill out “race” on various forms, I’m going to write in “Felber-American.”
Ann
May 11, 2006 at 1:35 pm
21And let’s hear more dish on Nicole! Is she the ex-wife who threatened to write a tell-all about the Bush family and then was mysteriously silenced, either through money or threats (or both)?
dee
May 11, 2006 at 2:13 pm
22Sorry, not Nicole, it’s Noelle, the drug-addicted daughter. Rehab twice (the last time she smuggled in cocaine in her shoe) and 10 days in jail for contempt (for the shoe incident). Then there’s always Jeb Jr., who was caught having sex in a parking lot when he was 16 (no charges filed) and was arrested last year for public intoxication and resisting arrest.
Normally I don’t really give a hoot about people kids — I figure THEY didn’t choose the limelight. But this family is such a collection of hypocritical snakes who have always flaunted and abused their “privilege” in society that it’s all fair game.
Murray
May 11, 2006 at 2:23 pm
23Coop,
We keep going back to the same names for the same reason that Americans love sequels. The hard introduction part has already been done.
Seattle D & T Enjoy DC, it’s very nice this time of year.
The one good thing about JEB’s tenure was that it showcased Republicans in action when it came to treating drug addicts. They showed the compassion, patience, and perseverance needed to deal with an habitual drug user. Rather than lock the worthless junkie up and throw away the key, they constantly did what was necessary to help one particular user lick this serious problem. Republicans believe in compassion and help when it comes to dealing with addicts, -as long as you are the Governor’s daughter. If you aren’t,,, kiss your ass goodbye.
Sharon
May 11, 2006 at 2:53 pm
24[Wiki] Noelle Lucila Bush (born July 26, 1977 in Texas) is the daughter of current Florida governor Jeb Bush and Columba Bush, the younger sister of George P. Bush, the older sister of Jeb Bush, Jr., the niece of current president George W. Bush, and the granddaughter of U.S. president George H.W. Bush. She graduated from Tallahassee Community College in 2000.
The Wiki mugshot is pretty hideous.
Neil is the brother who had the messy divorce.
dee
May 11, 2006 at 2:57 pm
25Ah, let’s face it — this clan makes the Borgias look like the Cleavers.
Tim
May 11, 2006 at 3:16 pm
26Please, oh please, not another Bush! I don’t think the environment, civil liberties, and the Middle East can take another one of these a-holes.
cooper
May 11, 2006 at 3:58 pm
27Okay, siobhan from San Francisco, I have to ask if that was your e-mail read today by Neil on Talk of the Nation about the humor of Bruce Babbit? Inquiring minds want to know.
siobhan
May 11, 2006 at 4:26 pm
28Yes.
Sharon
May 11, 2006 at 4:45 pm
29from the WaPo: In his statement, Bush denied that the government listens to domestic phone calls without court approval and maintained that “the privacy of ordinary Americans is fiercely protected in all our activities.”
“We are not mining or trolling through the personal lives of millions of innocent Americans,” Bush said. “Our efforts are focused on links to al-Qaeda and their known affiliates.”
Well, there you are. Don’t you feel better now? I know I’ll sleep better tonight.
Linkmeister
May 11, 2006 at 4:49 pm
30Yeah, particularly when we can infer from that that there are millions of American al-Qaeda associates.
I don’t recognize this country anymore.
Sharon
May 11, 2006 at 5:05 pm
31And don’t forget that old axiom: “If the President does it, that means it’s not illegal.” Bush authorized the “intelligence gathering activity” (oh, what I could do with that phrase!), therefore it must be legal.
siobhan
May 11, 2006 at 5:10 pm
32“I know I’ll sleep better tonight.”
In the immortal words* of Colin Powell “I sleep like a baby, too. Every two hours, I wake up screaming.”
* (see last paragraph if you don’t recall the context)
Pete IVDL
May 11, 2006 at 5:36 pm
33Holy shit, the bushes get dumber and dumber the further out you get. Hang on, that means that G.H. Bush’s grandfather must have been a certified genius. Maybe that’s why he didn’t run for President. (There’s a meaty assumption there on my part, but I’m sure I’ll be corrected if necessary)…
David
May 11, 2006 at 5:52 pm
34Ah, Jeb, whose wife brought about $20K worth of luxury goodies back from Paris without declaring them to customs. The amazing thing was that she was charged (I do not know the disposition of the case). Jebbie said it was strictly a family matter. How true, given that he’s a Bush. The daughter, who has a history of prescription drug addiction, and is probably as utterly self-absorbed and self-indulgent as her mother, would be a hoot of a secret service assignment. Hell, so would said mother.
Quite possibly America deserves the punishment of another Bush administration, given the fact that we are collectively such shitheads that Bush was able to wrangle a second term. Pity, however, that that means the rest of the world would also have to suffer another Bush. Remember, it was Jeb, not Georgie Porgie, who signed the PNAC. And it is Jebbie who is the enforcer, especially in Latin America.
Btw, he’s the smarter one, not the smart one. None of the Bushes is actually smart. Clever, yes - ruthless, yes - smart, no.
David
May 11, 2006 at 7:57 pm
35Pete IVDL,
A vert interesting contrast is the trajectory of the Walker/Bush family v. the Rockefeller family.
Seattle Dan,
If you or any of the clan is attending this, I want to tag along in spirit (there are several reasons I feel a kinship with this group, not the least of which is that I’m old enough to have experienced American mothers getting screwed in all the wrong ways; another is how often in my life someone has called me a mother):
Town Hall Seattle Presents: The Motherhood Manifesto
Joan Blades and Kristin Rowe-Finkbeiner are joined by alt-country singer Christy McWilson to celebrate the publication of The Motherhood Manifesto and the launch of MomsRising.org.
cooper
May 11, 2006 at 9:32 pm
36Yo, Pete! Sorry to disappoint buddy, the Bushes are all crooks and liars (oh, and at least one crack addict, maybe more…).
siobhan, it wasn’t a hard guess. I mean how many siobhans are there in San Franciso, anyway? Well… female siobhans. I suppose that was done on your lunch break, right?
siobhan
May 12, 2006 at 12:22 am
37No, no, Cooper. I spend my lunch hours Blaming America First.
ginny
May 12, 2006 at 12:24 am
38Meanwhile, in Palm Beach, it looks like Ann Coulter won’t be voting for anybody at all until she gets her little voter registration problem figured out.
How ironic; after all, she said all those mean things about hapless Florida voters who couldn’t figure out how to vote properly.
siobhan
May 12, 2006 at 12:30 am
39BTW, there is now a site where you can thank Qwest for being the sole company to refuse to participate in the NSA’s phone trolling.
David
May 12, 2006 at 1:35 am
40siobhan,
Thanks for the link. I immediately sent a thank you e-mail and posted a thank you on the website.
What a rush to find out and major corporation practices real patriotism.
Maximum Bob
May 12, 2006 at 2:22 am
41Looks like Adam and Tom Toles were thinking along the same lines.
Maximum Bob
May 12, 2006 at 2:25 am
42siobhan, it’s like Bill Maher says: I don’t blame America first. I get up, have some coffee, a bagel, then…
cooper
May 12, 2006 at 7:16 am
43MaxBob, Toles is an American treasure. We get him about 2 weeks after the fact in Charlotte. Thanks for the link. Great toon.
siobhan, I didn’t thank you for the link to the Colin Powell link. Now I’m sleeping like a baby. Maybe I won’t thank you.
Tim
May 12, 2006 at 9:07 am
44You’d think with the other 2 Bush’s having had approval ratings in the 20s, that the Bush stock would be worthless. You’ve gotta love America though, because there still seems to be people who love them
David
May 12, 2006 at 1:42 pm
45I try to start every day blaming whoever in hell is guilty (after my cup of Newman’s Own French roast, of course). And I try to end MTWR watching Jon and Stephen tack the testicles and/or clitori of the guilty parties to the Daily Show/Colbert Report bulletin boards.
I’m lovin’ the reaction at BC to Condi’s honorary degree and at the New School to having the many-faced John McCain as commencement speaker. I guess McCain fancies himself a uniter by delivering the commencement address at the New School and Liberty University. Is the man bipolar?
Ann
May 12, 2006 at 2:28 pm
46We have ovaries, David.
And there’s no particular benefit from Qwest’s virtue–once the call leaves their system, it’s available to the NSA. At least that’s the way the guy on NPR explained it.
But this is what I want to know: The NSA now has a big whiteboard with a million dots on it, and lines between all the dots that have talked to each other. If they don’t already know that one of the dots represents a terrorist, what good is the info? Or is this for later, when they DO identify a terrorist, so they can go back and find out who he’s called? But by then they’d already have access to his call records, so that doesn’t make sense…
Stephen
May 12, 2006 at 3:28 pm
47I’m curious how they can say they will only target terrorists? If they know who they are, why are they tapping millions of people? Are their Millions of terrorists in the country?
Landis
May 12, 2006 at 3:32 pm
48Well, DUH: they’re called liberals.
Harold
May 12, 2006 at 4:11 pm
49I hate to sound like I’m defending the NSA, but I think there is a plausible semi-innocent explanation for what they’re doing. I think they’re trying to establish a baseline pattern. That is, they’re assuming that their current data set is typical, with a normal amount of terrorist and non-terrorist chatter going on. Keep monitoring this normal chatter, and after the next major terrorist attack, you go back to the preceding data sets and see what the chatter patterns looked like. After a sufficient number of major terrorist attacks you’ll have a pretty good indication of what the pre-attack pattern looks like.
Of course, this depends on consistent pre-attack behavior. It also requires several major terrorist attacks to provide enough data to determine a pattern.
Just a guess. If I got it right, I assume I will be being taken into custody right about…now.
Chuggo
May 12, 2006 at 4:44 pm
50Thank you Ann for attempting to persuade David on to a different part of the anatomy. Yeewww!
I’m not going to snark at Harold’s theory (which would be that someone at the NSA would have the intelligence to look for patterns). However, I don’t think chatter patterns would tell NSA anything. There would simply be lots more of it after a terrorist attack.
no, I’m still in the insidious camp - I feel they (the White House) WANTS us to know they are listening in. I think it is a scare tactic, to control us. For this reason, I believe everyone should state something nasty about Bush when answering their cell phones.
For example:
“ring ring” (I push the little green button)
“Bush is a rascal!”
(from the caller)
“what?”
(me)
“Hello?”
And the call goes on from there.
Weak, I know, but at least it does not contain the word “clitori” in it.
cooper
May 12, 2006 at 4:44 pm
51Harold, Harold, are you there? Darn another brother bites the dust - and Harold sounded like he was DEFENDING the NSA. I’d better hush right now.
Harold
May 12, 2006 at 4:48 pm
52I am here and I am fine. Everything is fine. The Bush Administration has our best interests in mind, and it is unpatriotic to question their motives during this time of war. God has chosen George W. Bush to be our president. Who are we to question God?
I am fine. Everything is fine. Please call me. I would like all of you to call me from your home, work, and cell phones as soon as possible.
I am fine.
cooper
May 12, 2006 at 5:00 pm
53Whew, good - Harold, buddy, I thought we lost you there for a moment.
In late breaking news, apparently Tony Snow got hammered at his press briefing today. So much for the honeymoon.
http://www.cnn.com/2006/POLITICS/05/12/tonysnow.ap/index.html
Tony, you’ve got to study, if you want to pass the test. I hope Scott clued you in on the Bush mantra: lie, obfuscate, and repeat yourself multiple times - like you are a high functioning Asperger’s. Like that.
Chuggo
May 12, 2006 at 5:52 pm
54Well, he “smoothly” defended Hayden. How anyone could do that, must have had a bowl of softened vanilla ice cream (stirred gently) just before gaggling (or whatever the hell that was).
Bush is a rascal!
That’s fun, try typing it. Just don’t say it on your phone.
Maximum Bob
May 12, 2006 at 6:37 pm
55Harold, are you this-is-the-best-of-all-worlds fine or double-secret-indefinite-detention fine?
Steve
May 12, 2006 at 8:30 pm
56This is assuming, of course, that GWB actually relinquishes power.
cooper
May 12, 2006 at 9:28 pm
57Gasp…!
David
May 12, 2006 at 9:31 pm
58Ann and Chuggo,
The image has to evince a sense of real pain to be of any value. I am always persuadable, however. You wouldn’t believe some of the things I’ve been persuaded to do - oh, wait, maybe you would.
Arianna Huffington on Stephen Colbert’s historic moment in political satire, a moment that might not come again in our lifetimes, so Thank you again, Senor Huevos Grandes.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/arianna-huffington/is-stephen-colbert-th e-la_b_20774.html
PoliticalCritic
May 13, 2006 at 9:40 am
59Jeb would be a horrible president because he is a horrible father. His kid’s a junkie. He’s so busy trying to get ahead in his career that he ignores the family. Good job!
Sharon
May 13, 2006 at 10:41 am
60A tantalizing headline in Len Hart’s “Existential Cowboy” blog says that Karl Rove has informed the White House that he will be indicted. I have not yet seen the news in the more traditional outlets, but I wait with bated breath.
Sharon
May 13, 2006 at 12:32 pm
61Priceless editorial cartoon by The Sacramento Bee’s Rex Babin
hedera
May 13, 2006 at 10:53 pm
62Sharon - OUCH!
David
May 14, 2006 at 11:37 pm
63Most excellent, Sharon. I immediately forwarded it to several friends (which I hope gets credit for the cartoonist at the paper). Can anyone out there find out if Bush actually called the Constitution a goddamned piece of paper, or is that one of those urban myths that just seems too plausible not to be true? I’ve forgotten how to use whatever that website is for checking things like this.
hedera
May 14, 2006 at 11:39 pm
64David,
Yes, he did, and you can find one account here. Just Google the phrase “goddamned piece of paper”…
Sharon
May 15, 2006 at 8:48 am
65I thought the crayons wer a nice touch. Now we know what those mysterious “signing statements” are all about.
David
May 15, 2006 at 12:04 pm
66hedera,
Wow - thanks for the link. This should be common knowledge as something that actually occurred rather than something the veracity of which I had to ask about. One more failure on the part of the MSM, given the significance this presidential statement.
Looks like Bush is using basic crayons, which makes sense since he doesn’t do nuance.