To: All Detainees
From: Lieutenant Charles P. Capamonte (”Cappy”)
Date: Friday, 4/21/06
Happy Easter!
First, a belated Happy Easter to all of you! For those of you who chose not to come to the main yard for this Sunday’s Egg Hunt (and special visit from a certain Corporal Bunn E. Rabbit!), well, you missed a swell time. The three of you who attended can tell you all about it, but don’t try to take their candy! Lol! Just kidding - we’re sure they’ll share.
Congratulations to Abu Makkar al-Bayed, a.k.a. Detainee #423, a.k.a. “Blinky,” who won the hunt with a grand total of 34 eggs!
[Able Abu shortly after his triumph - on his way
to the winner’s circle. Go, Blinky!]
Let’s see if we can show a little more spirit in a couple of months at the Camp’s next big fest, Independence Day. Okay?
You’re a Star!
As some of you may have heard, a Freedom of Information Act filing (don’t ask!) has resulted in us having to release a list of all of your names. So even though some of you have been enjoying complete anonymity for almost four years now, it looks like your days of privacy are over! Expect fan letters, phone calls, etc. Even annoying letters from your kinfolk - sorry, it looks like your wives and families have tracked you down, so - vacation’s over! Lol! Just kidding - we know you love ‘em!
And just kidding - you can’t use the phone. Or get letters. Rotflmao!
[A Golden GitMoment: Looks like nobody can
agree which way Mecca is! :-p]
Boy, Is Our Face Red!
As it turns out, we had to reveal this week that almost a third of you have been cleared for release. In fact, some of you were cleared quite some time ago.
The punchline? We haven’t released you yet. [sorry!] There’s red tape, other priorities, negotiations with your home countries… honestly, it’s very, very complicated.
But we’re really embarrassed about this - honest. And a big apology to all of you who’ve asked for contact with the outside world, lawyers, legal recourse, an explanation of your rights, or even some idea as to what the charges against you are… we still can’t offer any of that. But the good news is that some of you have been found “not guilty” of “that charge we couldn’t tell you about.” So you’ll be going home! At some point. [No, not today. So don’t make trouble. I’m looking at you, Qassim! Siddown! lol!]
[Some of you will be checking out of
Kamp Kuba. Possibly soon!]
Again, to those of you that we’re sending away (at some point) without filing any charges, who’ve been here for several years, please accept a gigantic “Ooops!” from us, okay? Our bad. If it’s any consolation, we’ve decided not to charge you anything for your stay. That’s a lot of free grub! Lol! [That was Sgt. Coleman’s joke. He’s awful, isn’t he? 
]
Anyway, please note that the above doesn’t change the existing schedule - “Fashion Night” is still going to happen as planned. I hope you guys show some spirit and come out for THIS one (it was just us soldiers last year). Has everyone been working on outfits? Well, come on, it’s going to be the best one yet, and we promise not to laugh if everything y’all design is orange. We know how much you guys love orange. [just kidding - hehe!]
Yours,
“Cappy”
Fanny Roborat
49 comments
Andy Verol
April 21, 2006 at 6:29 pm
1New hardcore french writer:
“Idéologiquement Cash/Chiotte
L’aplat de niaiseries répandu sur le texte a empêché de dévoiler la puissance colérique des propos en général. Une sorte de philosophie en parfaite adéquation avec l’époque. Ni avant-garde, ni conservatisme.”
To be continued: http://hirsute.hautetfort.com
Oksana Petrivich
April 21, 2006 at 6:38 pm
2Cappy, a real barrel of laughs. The pictures add a lot to the jocularity.
The middle picture, for instance - is this a re-enactment of the clean-up of Chernobyl on the 20th anniversary? Whoa, Mahmoud, you’re going to need more protection than that! On the other hand, that’s all they protection they gave Pietre and Uncle Vlad for their 90 seconds of clean-up on top of Building #3. I miss them so much…
marco
April 21, 2006 at 6:43 pm
3Yo Andy, learn English, man! I did.
nato
April 21, 2006 at 6:43 pm
4I thought the middle picture was to show that we care — don’t want anyone getting bird flu now. America: Exporting democracy one detainee at a time.
Murray
April 21, 2006 at 6:47 pm
5Now you’re saying that the “Worst of the Worst” are innocent and can go home?
My guess is that at this point we have made a lot of really pissed, ready to get back at us at any cost, innocent people.
Our only hope to save ourselves against their wrath would be to hold them indefinitely, somewhere that no one will know who they are.
Julia
April 21, 2006 at 7:45 pm
6Murray, if we could make them stand in line at INS, or motor vehicles…no one would EVER find them there!
Hideo Gumper, Jr.
April 21, 2006 at 8:06 pm
7Yeah, Andy, rearn Engrish!
Chuggo
April 21, 2006 at 8:36 pm
8One bowl of softened vanilla ice cream for everyone! Let’s go ahead and supply spoons too. I’m feeling generous today.
And everyone gets to keep those fashionable orange jumpsuits when they leave. Throw caution to the wind.
Andy Verol
April 21, 2006 at 9:29 pm
9I HATE ENGLISH. I’M A FUCKING FROGGY!
Andy Verol
April 21, 2006 at 9:39 pm
10against wars in Iraq. Definitely. Like 90% of French People.
David
April 21, 2006 at 11:06 pm
11I still suspect Gitmo and the torture at Abu Ghraib helped re-elect Bush. Proved he’d stand tough, and that he had no qualms about “keeping America safe.” Those are meaningless non-people, so it doesn’t matter if they are innocent. They are emblematic that there’s a “new sheriff in town,” and “he’s a tough hombre.” Wish I held swing voters in higher regard, but I really think the typically superficial American awareness of serious matters, especially of this sort, helped Bush with the security moms, and his right wing white male base is still sporting “Kill ‘em all and let Allah sort ‘em out” bumper stickers.
Here’s a link to a fairly short article on our Moron-in-Chief, aka The Great Decider/Legend in His Own Mind:
http://www.truthout.org/docs_2006/042106G.shtml
Becca (& Brian)
April 21, 2006 at 11:44 pm
12Another off topic post (sorry)/check in from the wandering duo..
We’re in Hong Kong now, having finished off a 6.5 week trek through mainland China. Had all kinds of memorable experiences, good and bad. We were even able to end in a province with some beautiful nature and little pollution. We weren’t sure what alternate universe we’d just found ourselves in…
Most of the time it was easy to forget we were in a country that was a little less than free. But then there would be little reminders: the pages on China ripped out of every issue of The Economist sold at the newsstand, our inability to see our blog website on the internet, the BBC broadcast going black for 60 seconds while the subject of Taiwan was mentioned in relation to the (then) upcoming Hu/Bush meeting (surprisingly, human rights, currency devaluation, and all the other issues were allowed to be discussed), and the way that locals would talk about the government or the past or issues or their inability to travel outside the country without permission. They were important reminders that for despite everything, we’re very lucky.
Speaking of Hu and Bush, can somebody please tell me how in lobster’s name with all the advance work that gets done and protocol experts that are on staff, the national anthem of the PRC (people’s republic of China) could POSSIBLY have been introduced as the national anthem of the Republic of China (Taiwan)?????? Are they that incompetent in Washington (sorry, I know that would of course be a yes) or was that a very deliberate, hugely public diplomatic slight?
Leaving Asia Monday after almost 5 months. On to the quieter lands of New Zealand and Australia!
Becca and Brian
another David
April 22, 2006 at 1:35 am
13Strange how those pictures resemble the barriers set up to keep us “rabble” away from the prez while he was at Stanford today. But perhaps those are the proverbial trap that has caught the hunter — since he has become so unpopular from such practices, he can’t visit parts of his own country without using them…
David
April 22, 2006 at 9:26 am
14Off topic observation from the edge of the Green Swamp.
“La. Dems Push Bill Banning Most Abortions.” So now Deep South (and Pennsylvania) Democrats, in order to win, are going to have to become the contemporary version of the old Deep South Democrats. Another era of a bipolar Democratic coalition as the only way to achieve majority status again? America is a study…
cooper
April 22, 2006 at 10:27 am
15Another off target post - sorry, Adam, you did a great job with Gitmo! I, too, was rotflmao! When Bush is blathering on about “spreadin’ Democracy” during his many speeches at his many fund raising events, some practical joker should approach the president with a mirror and when he gets to the “lovin’ Liberty” line, put the mirror in front of W’s face and see if he soaks his shorts from pure guilt over Gitmo; or better yet, just see if Bush has a reflection; or slip the mirror under his nose to see if he’s breathing. Now there’s an interesting concept - what if Bush isn’t real, but one of John Poindexter’s evil DARPA cyborgs? Cheney, too!
Anyway, off target - Does the protest by the Falun Gong reporter remind any of the gray beards of growing up in the 60’s? It struck me as a rather pleasant stroll down Memory Lane. Now she’s facing prison time - yep, it’s all coming back.
http://www.cnn.com/2006/POLITICS/04/20/china.protester.ap/index.html
And now… back to Gitmo!!!
Julia
April 22, 2006 at 3:05 pm
16“Slip the mirror under his nose?”
Nah. Way too easy….
cooper
April 22, 2006 at 7:53 pm
17Cappy, you’re forgetting about the next big holiday celebration for the detainees - Memorial Day, where we solemnly mark the sacrifices of our American soldiers, who died all over the world defending democracy and defeating evildoers, heatherns and infidels. Oh, yeah… Maybe the detainees wouldn’t really get behind that holiday either.
I got to say, I sure hope Blinky enjoyed the Easter Egg Hunt, because he seems a bit reluctant about the victory celebration. Maybe he’s just shy. I sure hope that’s it.
cooper
April 22, 2006 at 8:09 pm
18David, thanks for the link to Truthout. Amen and amen.
Becca, always nice to hear from you. What a wonderful adventure you’re on! I’ve not yet gone to NZ and Oz - one of my life goals, but my sister-in-law lives in Sydney, so I may do it after all. Post lots of pictures.
Julia, “Slip the mirror under his nose?”
Nah. Way too easy….
Maybe if we could put a couple of lines of coke on the mirror and stick it under W’s nose… Wouldn’t that be entertaining?
David
April 23, 2006 at 12:12 am
19A couple of lines? Be really interesting to see what he’d do. If he hadn’t given it up, we wouldn’t be stuck with the worst president in American history. Don’t know who the Republican machine would have inflicted on us, but it really is hard to imagine a worse president.
cooper
April 23, 2006 at 8:48 am
20David, good point. I just went to the Official website of Clermont, FL - interesting. I sense that I’ve been there before. The 2nd link on the left being an online Bible sure makes me feel right at home. Have a good weekend, pal. Swat some skeeters for me. I assume you have the Asian Tigers now like we do. Nasty buggers carrying the West Nile and all.
David
April 23, 2006 at 1:23 pm
21Cooper,
You would have passed through Clermont on the way to somewhere, unless you came here to go up in the Citrus Tower back when there were orange groves. Other possibility is that you came out here to enjoy the Butler chain of lakes, which used to be the cleanest chain in Florida, and a hell of an escape into nature.
At night a mesh helmet is required, along with long sleeves, out here on the edge… But it’s preferable to the shit they fog with.
cooper
April 23, 2006 at 1:40 pm
22I guess I’m the only one home today. Anyway, I just listened to WWDTM and, although our favorite panelist wasn’t on this week, it was still a most enjoyable time. I have a theory, however - either two great minds, sifting through thousands of new stories in a given week somehow miraculously latch onto the same kernel of outrageous comedic insight as an intro into the first game OR, Peter Sagal is a lurker here and he’s messing with me. I fear it’s the latter. For proof, see “A History of US/Iranian…” post #21. Or maybe I’ve acquired new idiot savant talents and can now see into the future. That’s probably it.
David
April 23, 2006 at 1:52 pm
23As another FA weekend warrior, I feel compelled to post this link. It is an intriguing analysis by John Dean of Bush as a presidential type, and what it might portend.
http://www.commondreams.org/views06/0421-26.htm
cooper
April 23, 2006 at 2:22 pm
24David, hey bud. “…the Butler chain of lakes, which used to be the cleanest chain in Florida, and a hell of an escape into nature.” The young whippersnappers just shake their heads at us geezers for living in the past. Sure as hell beats the future. I’m awaiting my induction into the fraternity of idiot savants who see into the future, so trust me on this one. Oh, and that new outbuilding you’re thinking about, put it on 15′ stilts and forget about the garage. Sell the car and buy a 30 foot sailboat with an enclosed cabin. You’ll see why soon enough.
Adam, with my newly acquired powers, let me tell you that your book will a huge success (Run like hell from Oprah!) - and Prophet Bernie, well, he has more wisdom than even you can appreciate at this time. There might well be volumes of books in his earlier life alone. No need to thank me; I’m happy to help.
your pal, cooper
Sharon
April 23, 2006 at 3:53 pm
25All Hail the High Priest of the Divine Mushroom Cloud!
cooper
April 23, 2006 at 6:29 pm
26David, good article - John Dean being one of the lesser evils of Watergate and perhaps somewhat redeemed in the eyes of America.
Sharon, the government just continues to be amusing. Thanks for the article.
cooper
April 23, 2006 at 6:43 pm
27I have another theory; actually I have many, but bare with me on this one. Part of the thought behind the rough treatment, the kicking, and the beatings is to cause enough trama to require a trip to the “clinic”, where the detainee is anaesthesized and while he is out, the injury is repaired and a chip is inserted under the skin that identifies the detainee and tracks him via some DARPA “eyes only” system for when he is eventually released. The idea being to always be able to know where this person is for the rest of his miserable life.
siobhan
April 23, 2006 at 8:26 pm
28Cooper, for god’s sake don’t give them any ideas…
David
April 23, 2006 at 11:03 pm
29The Defense Department High Priests are fucking insane (to indulge for a moment in stating the blindingly obvious). Keep in mind the pervasiveness of an official fundamentalist Christian evangelism at the Air Force Academy. And when the 700 tons of diesel fuel and fertilizer goes off with a bang that will reverberate around the world, tip your hat to the memory of Timothy McVeigh, although his was merely a localized grassroots sickness. This is sickness beyond his wildest imaginings.
Stephen
April 24, 2006 at 9:40 am
30David,
I had read Dean’s eariler article. He made pretty much the same points. I feel like I am just waiting for the shoe to drop.
David
April 24, 2006 at 11:29 am
31Stephen,
Make that a jackboot if this administration marches on unchecked.
Cooper,
Dean’s book Worse than Watergate redeemed him in my eyes. He is proof that a politico can place intellectual honesty and civic responsibility first.
Ann
April 24, 2006 at 1:55 pm
32Cooper,
Bare with you? That’ll have to wait for Felberpalooza!
cooper
April 24, 2006 at 6:17 pm
33Ann…too cool!
Murray
April 24, 2006 at 7:49 pm
34Ann, as if I can’t alredy not wait.
cooper
April 24, 2006 at 9:17 pm
35Actually, I guess I revealed my one-track maleness above; well that’s the way it is with this half of the human race - flash a provocative mental image in front of the boy and he’s predictively going to run off tangent with it. What you so humorously were pointing out to us, of course, was my careless use of the word ‘bare’ instead of ‘bear’. I, of course, (and perhaps the hundreds of male Lurkers out there) had visions of *WEST COAST ANN*, confident, intelligent, redhaired, world traveling, woman of our dreams - playfully tossing double entendres our way. We guys are hardwired, during moments such as that, to make perfect asses of ourselves and I’m proud I can still do that. Thanks for the moment, you dear woman.
David
April 25, 2006 at 2:47 am
36Well said, Cooper, well said. The only thing that sorts us out is how we behave. Our fundamentals are just that. I do like the way you captured the mental image. Makes me think about a playful Carl Sandburg poem, but dammit, I can’t remember the name of the poem. Have you been to his home in Flat Rock?
cooper
April 25, 2006 at 7:38 am
37Connemara? Sure, many times, and talk about goat cheese Tom Bodett… For those not familiar with the fact that Carl Sandburg loved his goats, if you’re ever in the Hendersonville area of western NC, drop by his homesite in East Flat Rock. My Latin teacher in High School went up there with her 1953 Chevrolet to visit in the mid Sixies. The goats were not so rigorously restrained in those days and they got all over her car, ate some upholstery, tried to eat the tires and left dozens of goat hoof prints all over the metal exterior. Actually, she kind of liked that. It was a good story to tell, I guess.
Stephen
April 25, 2006 at 9:59 am
38David,
Jackboot indeed. It really makes me nervous that we still have a little over 2 years with this administration. I don’t know when the stormtroppers will come knocking at my door.
Mary
April 25, 2006 at 10:03 am
39I have GOT to stop working and start reading more. This is a really fun thread.
Pete IVDL
April 25, 2006 at 11:37 am
40Oh dear… Sounds like we may need night patrols at Felberpalooza. I can’t begin to imagine the content and levels of the whispers after “lights out”. Assuming there will be such a decree. Somehow, I don’t think 24 hours will be enough time to get 1% off our respective chests. Just like when we wuz kids.
Hey, maybe we can organis(z)e a Gitmo fancy dress event. Now, where’s that roll of orange organza…
David
April 25, 2006 at 5:25 pm
41Cooper,
That’s a wonderful story. Damned shame the goats are so restrained and contained now, but I guess it’s for the safety of the goats. Cheese, fudge, and the sheer pleasure of wandering (well, being led) through a great old house while contemplating Sandburg. Helps one forget for a moment that the area is being overrun with golf courses.
Murray
April 25, 2006 at 7:58 pm
42Pete, Lights out, curfew? Those are foreign concepts at Grouseland.
Ann
April 25, 2006 at 8:55 pm
43Oh, dear. Must lower others’ expectations immediately—chances of my actually getting in shape by September are dwindlingly small. But I do promise to be a smartass!
cooper
April 25, 2006 at 9:27 pm
44Adam, I have to say it again - this is a very funny post! I’m really looking forward to your book! I don’t know how these things work, but if you get an opportunity to do the book on tape (CD?), please do.
David
April 25, 2006 at 11:34 pm
45No curfew, a gaggle of really interesting smartasses, and as welcoming a host as one could ever hope for.
Almost heaven, Grouseland Pennsylvania, ‘bandoned tunnels, Murray’s hospitality…(Croon us from the great beyond, John Denver.)
Pete IVDL
April 28, 2006 at 1:49 am
46OK David…
“Maker’s Mark, in my tumbler, makes me happeeeee…”
David
April 28, 2006 at 2:02 am
47Pete IVDL,
Was Murray able to forward you the link to the article A Skeptic’s View? Leave a Response wasn’t working when I came across the article, which effectively punches the same holes in the 9/11 Conspiracy Theories that I saw as soon as I came across a couple of them. Here it is just in case.
http://www.commondreams.org/views06/0427-29.htm
The article goes well with Maker’s Mark (or Tetley’s Pub Ale).
Pete IVDL
April 29, 2006 at 5:40 pm
48Thanks, David, I hadn’t seen that rebuttal before. I must admit, the untouched footage I saw was definitely puzzling, even if it didn’t meet all the claims made by the producer. I don’t think Ernest Partridge can have been looking at the same materials shown on the program I saw. Hmmm. Maybe there’s more footage around than was actually taken on the day? Naaaah, that’d never happen in the Yoonited States of Merrika, would it?
That’s the great thing about conspiracy theories, isn’t it - there’s just so many to choose from!
David
April 29, 2006 at 11:40 pm
49Pete IVDL,
The thing that pisses me off is the actual conspiracies being visited on us to the thundering indifference of the media. Dick Cheney’s energy task force was an actual conspiracy, for Lobster’s sake. The theft of Ohio in ‘04 and Florida in ‘00 were both conspiracies, carefully crafted and very broad based. The list of actual conspiracies against the civil body politic by various interests is mind-numbing.
The biggest failing of the Twin Towers conspiracy theories, at least the ones I’m aware of, is that airliners loaded with fuel did hit those towers and were what caused them to accordian and collapse. I knew they were coming down as soon as I saw the second hit and understood what had happened. I think anyone with any knowledge of construction knew, and knew how violent the accordian collapses would be. The only thing I didn’t have a sense of was how long it would take for the collapse to begin, but I knew it would not be all that long a time. I told my sweetie and my sister they would come down.
I thought the second airliner was an emergency helicopter circling when I first saw it. Then I watched it for all practical purposes bisect whatever floor that was. If it had been a 747, I think the accordian collapse would have been almost immediate.
The morons in the White House didn’t want 9/11, but they were salivating over the idea of some sort of catastrophe that would unleash them to pursue their Project for a New American Century, and the ways they did exploit 9/11 were and are criminal. They are horrible excuses for human beings.