The time is aproaching. Here are the Best Actor nominees:
Dick Cheney, “Brokeface Mountain” - A searing tale of a friendship torn by forbidden love and birdshot. Cheney captivates as an aging cowboy who finally figures out a way to “quit” his friend Harry.
John Kerry, “Oh, There They Are” - A touching remake of the 2001 Al Gore classic wherein a man unexpectedly finds his lost testicles.
George W. Bush, “Shocker III: Katrina” - Hot on the heels of the success of “Shocker II: WMD’s” and “Shocker: 9/11,” George Bush reprises his award-winning role as a beleaguered exec who couldn’t possibly have seen trouble coming.
Tom DeLay, “The Incredible Shrinking Man” - DeLay pulls at the heartstrings with his portrayal of a man who compensates for his shrinking stature by yelling louder and louder that he is not, in fact, shrinking… until he’s completely gone. DeLay is not expected to attend the award ceremony.
[Next: Best Actress!]
[You can submit further nominations below.]
Fanny Roborat
59 comments
Julia
February 28, 2006 at 5:24 pm
1Oh, Adam — thank you! Truly…I love laughing silently at my desk. And you’re not even at the top of your form, you say…
bill
February 28, 2006 at 5:42 pm
2Anna Nicole Smith - “Boobs Supreme at Court” A salacious tale of boobs working their way to highest court of the land.
cooper
February 28, 2006 at 5:42 pm
3Adam, I like the nomination of Dick Cheney, but i was thinking more along the lines of -
Dick Cheney, “Brokeface Mountain” - A searing tale of a friendship torn by Hot Lips and Hot Lead.
cooper
February 28, 2006 at 5:47 pm
4Well, now we know why Osama Bin Laden is still on the lam…
http://www.cnn.com/2006/POLITICS/02/28/bush.binladen.reut/index.html
What a maroon!
Julia
February 28, 2006 at 5:53 pm
5“I thought it would help remind people that if bin Laden doesn’t want Bush to be the president, something must be right with Bush.”
I’m not so sure, after all, that Shrub was a C student. His grade in logic must have been MUCH lower.
julia
Jay
February 28, 2006 at 9:52 pm
6cooper (#4) Is that from “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?”
Maximum Bob
February 28, 2006 at 10:08 pm
7We saw a lot of acting talent on display in 2005, including:
Jack Abramoff, “The Not So True, Man Show.” A city slicker visits with Native Americans, and in an effort to lift their spirits, tells a few fanciful stories. In the end, the Indians learn to be a bit more skeptical, and the slicker learns the true meaning of the phrase, “watch your butt.”
Harry Whittington, “The 78-Year-Old Vegan.” After a bizarre hunting accident, a lawyer loses his taste for meat, fresh-killed or otherwise.
Bill O’Reilly, “A History of Vehemence.” A struggling loofah salesman strikes it rich when he knocks on the door of a TV executive (Roger Ailes) who, impressed with his ablity to lie–more or less grammatically and at high volume–makes him a star. But the former salesman is brought low by his inablity to stop mentioning loofahs in ordinary conversation.
George W. Bush, “Vetting Crashers.” A group of government employess does a half-assed job of checking out a deal that would let a Middle Eastern country run some of America’s most strategic ports. The wily U.S. president defends the deal by claiming he knew nothing about it. (Subtitled for the incredulous)
SeattleDan
February 28, 2006 at 10:42 pm
8Jay, it’s a Bugs Bunny expression,so you’re close.
cooper
February 28, 2006 at 10:52 pm
9SeattleDan, I fear we’re showing our age here.
cooper
February 28, 2006 at 10:54 pm
10Hey, Adam, when we get to the Best Actress awards, how about “Still in the Stocks” with Angela Davis?
cooper
February 28, 2006 at 11:11 pm
11Oh, and who can forget the hellish, gut-wrenching and thankless slog of Scott McClellan, as he tosses daily dollops of pablum to the baying pack of White House news hounds in “Talk the Line”. (Christ on a crutch! - how does that man get out of bed every morning? What a depressing job.)
cooper
February 28, 2006 at 11:56 pm
12Wait! Rupaul, Harvey Fierstein, Boy George and Jeffrey Gannon in “Fem-On: The Tartist Guys in the Room!”
siobhan
March 1, 2006 at 12:03 am
13Jeez, I gotta get out more. I get all of these movies confused - I thought Scott McClellan was in “True, Man”.
dee
March 1, 2006 at 12:03 am
14Granted it’s a recent release and may not qualify for this year’s Oscars, but how can you ignore the dramatic tension in “On The Waterfront”, starring John Snow, the United States Coast Guard and Dubai Ports World.
(Oh and cooper and SeattleDan, don’t be an imbesilly!)
Stephen
March 1, 2006 at 12:10 am
15How ’bout Harriet Myers for her heart-rending portrial of a woman wronged by the “best man she knows” in “Hung out to Dry”?
Murray
March 1, 2006 at 12:19 am
16Cooper, Jay, Seattle Dan,
What a Maroon,
What an Incowpoop!
SeattleTammy
March 1, 2006 at 12:40 am
17Who can forget the performance of Katrina(love those single-named actresses!) in the remake of “Gone with the Wind”?
David
March 1, 2006 at 1:05 am
18I think at least a nomination is in order for the heart-warming performances of Scooter Libby and Judith Miller as terribly misunderstood confidants in the Aspen based cross culture remake of “Roots.”
Matt
March 1, 2006 at 1:25 am
19FEMA head “helluva job” Brownie for best actor in “Clueless”
cooper
March 1, 2006 at 8:36 am
20In a world, where barracudas now rule the earth, appear before the Senate Judiciary Committee, pound the table, angrily deny sexual misconduct and hint at nefarious high tech lynchings - Clarence Thomas stars as blotto cross-dressing Long Dong Silver in “High Times and Ms. Demeanors”.
Pete IVDL
March 1, 2006 at 9:35 am
21Category : Best Foreign Language Film
Nominee : George W Bush.
Film : Any footage of the President Of The United States Of America speaking unscriptified.
tim
March 1, 2006 at 9:44 am
22Best Actress - Katharine Armstrong in “Less Than Zero, Zippo, I Don’t Drink At All”
Pete IVDL
March 1, 2006 at 9:51 am
23Category : Horror/Documentary
Nominee: The Brushcutter Man
Catch Line : He’s fought reality all his life; now, he’s in Capitol Hill. And this time, it’s personal.
Pete IVDL
March 1, 2006 at 10:08 am
24Or (and this is my last one, the Lurker’s Lounge is calling):
Category: Musical/Reality
Nominee : Guantanamo!
Precis: Poor Pashtun, Tadjik, and Uzbek dancers are drafted from the dancing academies (initially set up by the CIA (Cha-cha In Action)) to dance to tunes draughted in the White House. Unfortunately, contestants aren’t permitted to hear the music, read the score, or speak with the choreographers.
Special mentions go to costumes (Gucci ‘Tangerine Dream One Piece’), props (Versacci stainless steel ‘chunky’ cuffs, and extras (who remain uncredited). Once every blue moon, foreign government-appointed panels vote out the least likely to succeed.
A people’s choice dark horse.
Sharon
March 1, 2006 at 11:35 am
25Jeff Danziger has an illustration…
DouglasG
March 1, 2006 at 11:40 am
26What a maroon! What a tra-la-la-GOON-dee-ay! (Bugs Bunny speaking of the Tazmanian Devil)
dee
March 1, 2006 at 11:46 am
27Well now we know where a lot of us spent many an hour of our youth…
cooper
March 1, 2006 at 11:54 am
28dee, yes sadly, slack jawwed in front of the boob tube… well, er, TV I mean.
David
March 1, 2006 at 11:56 am
29tim,
Wasn’t the title “High Times at the Armstrong Ranch”? Or was that the prequel?
David
March 1, 2006 at 12:04 pm
30Cooper,
We didn’t even have a tv until I was 13. The first tv station in Orlando didn’t go on the air until I was like 9, I think. I used to watch Howdy Doody at a friend’s house - the first tv in Goldenrod - and that was it until I started watching on a somewhat regular basis in 9th grade. Maybe that’s why I’m so, shall we say, culturally unreconstituted and politically beyond pissed.
Oh, yeah, jawed with two w’s is pretty interesting to try to pronounce. Are you working on the clear and natural for Felberpalooza?
Jim
March 1, 2006 at 1:48 pm
31In the interest of non-partisanship:
Hillary Clinton for best actress in the remake of the 1958 classic “Rally ‘Round the Flag Boys.”
In the double-turnabout, it is amazing how many right wing bloggers are now crying “unconstitutional” when it comes to banning flag burning.
cooper
March 1, 2006 at 2:48 pm
32David, sorry about the typo. In my advanced age, I find myself helpless and stupid without spellcheck (or is that spell-check; or spell check?)
Sharon
March 1, 2006 at 4:24 pm
33Step into my Way Back machine! My father loved gadgetry, and we had one of the very first teevees on the block, perhaps in the whole neighborhood. It was a big box with a lid that flipped up to form the screen. The lovely greenish picture was projected onto this screen. Of course, I was probably exposed to more electro-magnetic radiation for that brief year or two than I have been in all the years since.
SeattleDan
March 1, 2006 at 4:50 pm
34I think we got our first TV in ‘53 when I was three.Dad worked for Packard Bell at the time, so he must have received an employee discount. So I really dont remember not having a TV. I do remember when we got our first color TV in the early ’60’s.That was something. “Her hair so red/Her eyes so blue/Wow,we got a color tv”.Or so the RCA jingle went.
Sharon
March 1, 2006 at 6:45 pm
35I think I bought my first color teevee when I moved into my house, 20 years ago. I had to go to a neighbor’s–I babysat for her in return–to see Star Trek TOS in color. Pretty exciting stuff!
cooper
March 1, 2006 at 7:52 pm
36SeattleDan and David, I too had similar experiences with early TV. We moved into to town (Ha! maybe 600 people, maybe) from our farm in 1954 (I was almost 5) and soon bought a massive B&W RCA TV. We weren’t the first in the neighborhood to buy one, actually one of the last, but the novelty soon wore off. I do remember one of our friends, Iris McGinnis - now there’s a fine Scotch/Irish name for you - didn’t have a TV in the house yet and I recall the jaw slackening effect it had on her to this day. Couldn’t pry her away to go outside and play.
ice weasel
March 1, 2006 at 8:26 pm
37Pardon the blogwhoring but I just finished the very first POG interview. Get to know guitar virtuoso and Prius owner, Ottmar Liebert, a little better. Don’t miss the link at the bottom of the interview that takes you to four free song downloads on Ottmar’s site.
http://www.priusownersgroup.com/
Thanks and sorry for the interruption.
cooper
March 1, 2006 at 8:47 pm
38Back to the movies…Red meat eating Neo-Con males from coast to coast are forever fantasizing about her!! How can such an intelligent, Right thinking, and beautiful World Dominatrix go month after month with No Man?!! Who can possibly get through the hard shelled exterior to the warm throbbing heart that beats beneath her heaving breasts??? All this woman needs is the “Right” key thrust deeply into her Chain-Mailed Heart!!!! Who has the touch, the caress, the poetry of movement, the hands to tickle and torment the ebony keys of this concert pianist’s soul????!!!! Who can fill this woman with wave after wave natural pleasure and rise from the nest of love to raise, yet again, the Sword and lead the armies of Gideon to Glory!!!!!!!!! DON’T MISS!!!!!!!!! Condi Rice, The Constant Hardener!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maximum Bob
March 1, 2006 at 9:00 pm
39When the documentary category rolls around, we have to nominate this little gem.
Working title: What the Hell Were We Thinking When We Elected This Guy?
Ann
March 1, 2006 at 9:59 pm
40Cooper, shame on you. Way too many exclamation points, man.
Ice Weasel, is there any way you can get Ottmar to join us at Felberpalooza? I have a serious crush…
David
March 1, 2006 at 10:01 pm
41Cooper,
I enjoy the typos. Don’t stop. I’m fascinated by the typos that crop up in my own e-mails/posts as well. The phenomenon is especially intriguing to me as a retired English instructor. We, as a group, are the least judgmental in these matters, believe it or not. The business community is generally the most judgmental.
Have you put a twenty on a tree stump yet?
Condi Rice, the Constant Hardener - that’s good.
cooper
March 1, 2006 at 11:15 pm
42Ann, sweetheart, baby, we’re talking Hollywood, liebchen! No such thing as too many exclamation points.
Hot Tub Tommy
March 1, 2006 at 11:33 pm
43Tick tock, patriots. “Campbell’s Cavort in the Corral” airs 9:00 Sunday Night on Fox and we’re still a few hundred grand short. If I can nip this little insurrection in the bud and win the primary on Tuesday, then we’ll bend that weaselly Democrat over like a sleeve this fall. I’ve got big scores to settle in DC and you’re my ticket to revenge. I need cash, not excuses. Cough it up, minions. Cash - FedEX - Overnite - Now!
Representative Thomas Delay (R,TX)
Pete IVDL
March 2, 2006 at 3:48 am
44We got our colour TV for one reason and one reason only - World Cup Soccer. 1980. Hoo-eee! Now, after 26 years seeing crap, pap, cultural irrelevance, reality shows, and the ads during the news (talk about product placement) in natural colour, I listen to the radio more than ever. ‘Course, I do watch all of David Attenborough’s stuff, and there was Red Dwarf, Farscape, Carnivalé, Thunderbirds, and the looney tunes (but then, we’ve got that right here!)… Hmm. Fifty-fifty, TV:radio. But TV is losing, colour or no color.
Mary
March 2, 2006 at 11:02 am
45Or, my favorite short, “Mission Accomplished”, is which an undercover freedom fighter single-handedly liberates Iraq. And then tells the world about it.
I refuse to give away my age. Lets just say I, too, have been there and watched that
(The rabbit kicked the bucket. The rabbit kicked the bucket…..)
Dr. Timothy Leary
March 2, 2006 at 2:11 pm
46Mary, wait, did he tell the world about it while standing on the flight deck of an aircraft carrier, in full battle gear, with the port of Santa Barbara serendipitously out of the picture? I think I saw that, too. I’m glad you brought it up. I’d been flashing on that image from time to time and worried that I’d made the whole thing up. What a relief. Now, another thing - Did he really say “Bring it on!” to the terrorists? Surely not! I need to leave the brown tabs alone. They’re bad news and obviously making me crazy!
Well, time to be dead again for a while.
Murray
March 2, 2006 at 7:51 pm
47I remember our first Color TV back in the late 60’s, I can even remember our first HDTV, (seeing as how it’s been less than 24 hours ago, that shouldn’t be all that hard). Just as I spent the 1st night glued to the set, wondering at how cool color TV was almost 40 years ago, I spent last night amazed at how clear and beautiful the HDTV was.
cooper
March 2, 2006 at 8:40 pm
48Murray, if I bring some popcorn on Labor Day weekend…
cooper
March 2, 2006 at 8:47 pm
49“Bush said he would be discussing with Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf efforts to track down the al Qaeda leader.” Grand idea, Mr. Bush, 4-1/2 YEARS AFTER 9/11, you fucking moron!
cooper
March 2, 2006 at 9:04 pm
50oops. Sorry. Time for ice cream?
Ann
March 2, 2006 at 11:43 pm
51I remember getting behind our first color TV and randomly twisting all the knobs. Trying to get the color back to normal didn’t improve my Dad’s mood.
Needless to say, no ice cream for me that night!
And I’m having a hard time keeping track of whether we should be concerned about Bin Laden. I thought we were SO over him! Is Bush having trouble breaking up with him? One of my college roommates had this trouble with an ex-boyfriend. She’d say she didn’t care about him anymore, but if anyone mentioned his name, or if he happened to call—she would totally obsess about him again.
cooper
March 3, 2006 at 12:24 am
52Ann, I remember a similar experience as a teenage aspiring engineer. I knew no fear of things mechanical or electronic. I was in the back twisting knobs while dad was in the front doing the same, but unaware of each others efforts, until dad smelled a rat. By then, there was no reasoning with him and my night ended early, with no Bonanza.
Maximum Bob
March 3, 2006 at 9:07 pm
53Bin Laden is still a big deal to this administration, Ann. Why, at this very moment, the best minds in the White House are working on a variety of ways to get the bastard. At the moment, the plan with the greatest chance of working involves Bin Laden going into insulin shock and wandering into a US embassy.
cooper
March 3, 2006 at 10:27 pm
54MaxBob - That would work.
David
March 4, 2006 at 12:22 am
55Cooper,
Sorry for what? He is a fucking moron, but far more importantly, he’s a goddamned menace to the future of the planet and its inhabitants. Why he was ever allowed out of his playpen I’ll never know.
Maximum Bob,
Makes sense to me.
Ann,
What do you think about the Yellow Rose in an Obsession ad? I’m thinking bin Laden would wear the cologne, and the ad would center around Our Little Idiot catching a whiff of the fragrance from the tall, dark stranger in the long flowing robe. (Obsession is a cologne, isn’t it? It’s late, I’m tard, and they ain’t no ice cream in the fridge…)
nigel
March 4, 2006 at 1:39 am
56“Back to the Past” [probably there is a cleverer title].
An action packed comedic misadventure of lovable CIA trainees who are sent to “reclassify” material in the national archives, and the black-clad long-haired sexually ambivalent librarians (Willie Nelson, Whoopi Goldberg) who try to stay one step ahead of them and fail miserably due to reduced non-military spending until a rock star (Bono) crashes a country music concert in front of the Lincoln Memorial and motivates the vaguely dissatisfied crowd to renew their library cards en masse and the documents are saved. Cameo: Arnold Schwartzanegger as a sexually ambivalent and shell shocked National Guard C.O. just recalled from Iraq who say’s “fock it” and personally takes charge of all archives involving blow jobs and big boobs.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060303/ap_on_go_ot/reclassified_records
nigel
March 4, 2006 at 1:55 am
57“The Louse that Farted”
A reissue of the 1959 satire on nuclear blackmail (starring Peter Sellers, Peter Sellers, Peter Sellers, and Peter Sellers, with a cameo by Peter Sellers). In a shockingly bloody and nonsensical new ending, jihadists armed with scimitars behead a cadre of Scandanavian cartoonists before being welcomed to the White House for an easter egg hunt (sponsored by Toshiba).
Pete IVDL
March 4, 2006 at 4:57 pm
58I just heard a sound bite from the American Retard’s visit to PakUSstan (I may misquote slightly, but the gist should be there): Bush says “I came here to make sure that Mr. Musharraf is still dedicated to fighting the war on terrorism, and he is”.
There are more ironies in that bite than in a whole season of “Fractured Fairytales”. I was sputtering for so long after I heard that, that I had to get a drink so I could make more spit…
Murray, we aren’t going to see HDTV here for a couple of years, so I’m jealous as hell (course, you couldn’t tell, I’m PAL and you’re NTSC, and green just doesn’t come out right, but I’d look kinda “teal” with jealousy). There’s a whole ‘nother story about how our government decided not to go with full HDTV, as the major contributors to our conservative peabrained communications department (who still don’t believe that people will use that new-fangled “wireless telly vision”) bitched and moaned that it would cost them too much to provide full-resolution channels - so we’re getting the Republican version of “high definition”. Sort of like “compassionate conservative” television. Sigh. I need icecream.
siobhan
March 8, 2006 at 12:47 am
59Pete, fortunately he got back from India/Pakistan in time to accept his “Best Actor” award for the starring role in “The Dumbest Guy in the Rooms”, which itself won in the documentary category. This story of the pre-Katrina teleconference stunned viewers, and W’s performance was noted for its understated character. (Adam was singular among the critics for citing the gameboy scene.)