You may have noticed that things are getting a little crowded in the comments section lately. This is good. There are two reasons.

1) We’ve got more visitors than ever before. Welcome to you, new readers, and may the road rise to meet you. And may it thereafter sink a bit so that you’re not walking uphill the whole way. [Honestly, I never understood that old Irish blessing. Fortunate people in Ireland must have great calf muscles.]

2) There are a few more conservatives around, stirring things up a bit. Welcome to you, conservatives. May the road… be slightly downhill and well-paved in front of you, allowing you to get at least 3 or 4 miles per gallon out the behemoths you drive.

Seriously: Welcome. [And welcome back to Jerry the Conservatroll] With so much activity around here, though, I just want to go over the ground-rules. And because I’m a liberal, when I say “ground-rules,” I mean “loose, reasonable, but rarely enforced guidelines that rely on collective goodwill to succeed.”

- Keep it Friendly. There is a place you can go if you want to scream and type insults at people who do not believe exactly as you do. It’s a place I like to call “the rest of the internet.”

Okay, that’s not completely fair, but if you cruise the politically-oriented, comment-takin’ web, it’s not so far from the truth. Most sites have a core of true believers who maintain a fairly constant stream of anti-theotherguy invective. Occasionally, representatives from the Other Side will appear as “trolls,” usually for the sole purpose of making people angry and causing them to plunge into a frenzy of insult-ridden troll-denunciation. That’s exactly what happens too, even on the occasions when that’s not the troll’s intent.

Those sites (the “rest of the internet”) have their uses: Community, expression, the sharing of resources and information. This place is a little different. Call me an elitist if you want, but- … No, just call me an elitist.

- Keep it Somewhat On-Topic. This is tough. I really don’t mind digressions. In fact, that reminds me of a story…

No, what I mind is this: If you find yourself digressing towards a certain pet topic a whole lot, I’d like to to think about that. There are few topics that don’t get covered around here over the course of a month, and your pet subjects WILL get their moments in the sun. But if you’re taking something I posted about last night’s episode of “According to Jim,” to be your opportunity to start a discussion about Iraq or abortion or health care or evolution or Jesus… then that’s a sign that you’d ought to chill out and refocus.

Okay, maybe “evolution” would be an appropriate topic for an “According to Jim” discussion. I’m pretty sure the show is a fairly cogent argument against both evolution and Intelligent Design.

- Watch Yo’ Ass. Sorry to wax all early-70’s blaxploitation on you, but that’s how I feel. Comments are like email - one of mankind’s most poorly-understood methods of communication. If somebody’s insulting you, read it over a few times to make sure that they’re really insulting you. If you are replying in a fury of righteous indignation, read it over a few times before you post it to make sure it’s what you really want to say.

In general, feel free to call George Bush or Howard Dean or Jim Belushi an “idiot” or an “ignoramus” or a “puppykiller.” But don’t use those epithets on someone whose post you are responding to. Not because I’m all about peace and love and just want us all to buy a farmhouse somewhere and live in perfect harmony together in an environment where we all eat healthy foods and allow our body hair to grow unchecked.

No, I for one believe that God (or the Celestial Lobster) gave us Doritos and Gillette Sensors for a reason. I ask you not to type an insult at a fellow-commenter only because it gets us absolutely nowhere.

People who say things that offend you often aren’t trying to offend you. And as such, it makes a lot more sense to let ‘em know without the use of words like “moron” or “shithead” or “asshat” [though I’ve always had a soft spot for that last one]. People who are consistently insulting have never lasted around here. And I’ve never had to kick anyone off. It just works. Trust me. It’s my place.

-Don’t Watch Yo’ Ass. Yeah, I know. But what I mean is this: As long as you’re not tearing down someone else around here or obsessively leading us back to your pet topic, say whatever the hell you want. That’s what makes this site so entertaining to me, and that’s why I’ve maintained it over these past four and a half years. We’re all adults here (or at least I’m obligated to assume that’s the case for legal reasons). Say what you want, and if it rubs someone the wrong way they’ll tell you so without calling you an “asshat” and you can choose to retract what you said or not and the world will keep turning and this site will remain as cool as it’s been for all these years.

Whew! There you go. Happy Presidents’ Day, you magnificent bastards.