To think that I thought that this story would go away after a few rounds of latenight show jokes. How naive I was back in the heady days of February 10-12, 2006. And now, with the news that Vice President Cheney’s boon companion has suffered a “minor heart attack” as a result of that shot he’d been “peppered” with kinda… sorta…. well… hitting him in the heart, it’s time we found some clarity on what promises to be a bigger story that a bunch of rich people playing in the snow in Italy…

Whose Distraction Is It, Anyway?

Immediately after this story gained traction, you heard political sharpshooters decrying this as a “distraction” from more important news. That’s common. What’s uncommon (as you can even see in my comments section) is that these accusations are coming from both sides.

Nobody’s really sure whether the Republicans are dwelling on this because it’s a distraction from bad news concerning Iraq, Iran, and recent reports about Hurricane Katrina ineptitude… or if it’s the Democrats who are using the liberal media to focus on this trivial story to make the administration look bad.

Me, I think this might be a big story because the Vice President of the United States shot someone in the face. And in the heart. But I am, as I’ve said, naive.

What Does It Mean?

I really don’t think this story has a lot of meaning, except symbolically. But beyond that and a noticeable windfall for us comedy writers…. it’s an ultimately unimportant story. Unless your last name is “Whittington.”

Then again, a few years ago I would’ve told you that President Clinton having an affair with a pudgy intern was an “ultimately unimportant story.” Today we know that receiving an extramarital blowjob is an offense that easily outweighs little indiscretions like… sending more than 2,000 American soldiers to their death under false pretenses. Again - I’m not always “savvy.” So maybe this really is a big story.

Why the Delay?

This one’s easy. Sure, liberals are running around and yelling about the long delay between Cheney shooting his friend and anyone telling the press about it. Why the delay?

Offhand, I’d say it might have something to do with the fact that the Vice President of the United States shot someone in the face. And in the heart. That’s not a particularly easy story to spin.

You have to applaud the White House for the way they handled it, though. First, they made sure that Whittington was out of danger before they announced it. [Yeah, I know, but they couldn’t have foreseen the heart attack.] Then, they made sure they framed the story in such a way that it was completely Whittington’s fault that he got shot in the face. And in the heart:

She said Cheney, an experienced hunter, did not realize Whittington had rejoined the group without announcing himself, which is proper protocol among hunters.

“They had no idea he was there,” Armstrong said.

“A bird flew up, the vice president followed it through around to his right and shot, and unfortunately, unbeknownst to anybody, Harry was there…”

…She described Cheney as “an excellent, conscientious shot.”

“The person who is not doing the shooting at that moment in time is just as responsible and, should be, as the person actually shooting,” Armstrong said.

There you have it. A 78 year-old man nimbly snuck up on the hunting party while camouflaged in a bright orange vest. Though it wasn’t reported, he was probably also making quail noises and hovering a few meters above the ground. And there’s evidence to indicate that a rascally quail had ripped down the “Quail Season” poster to reveal one beneath reading “Harry Season.”

So…?

This isn’t over. Yesterday, the White House adopted a strategy of making a lot of jokes about the incident. That strategy ended a few hours ago when Whittington had his heart attack, meaning that only insensitive scoundrels like myself are willing to joke about it. [Naive guy that I am, I’m choosing to believe the reports that the heart attack was “minor,” and that Whittington will recover…]

So what now? We wait. And watch. I wish Whittington well, both for the sake of him, and his family, and all my friends who write for latenight television. Remember the old maxim: The Vice President accidentally shooting a guy is comedy. The Vice President accidentally getting a guy killed… is an unfortunate result of using the “best available intelligence.” Or something to that effect.