You might remember that last year I did not offer a new “State of the Union Drinking Game.” As I pointed out, the idea is now widespread, and if I was the first (back in 2002), I’ve never received any royalties on it. So I jumped ship.

I apologize for that. We need SOTU Drinking Games. As many versions as possible. My version has many of the overly baroque rules that mark a good drinking game, so there’s a bit of a learning curve. It is, however, guaranteed to work without actually killing you.

So grab a few bottles of your favorite intoxicant, and please enjoy the somewhat-new and sort-of-revamped…


The State of the Union Drinking Game (2006 edition) (enhanced!)

First of all, make sure everyone has a few pieces of scrap paper in front of them. These pieces of paper are called “The Fourth Amendment” and will be used during the game.

Also, make sure that there is one fluffy and not-too-large pillow handy. Your Host begins with the pillow in his or her lap. This is the Crisis Pillow.


The Rules

- Whenever the President says “evil,” everyone must raise their glass and take a drink. It’s good form to make a brief toast of sorts, something like “Down with evil!” or “Evil is bad!” “Evil” should be pronounced with a soft “i” [”Evihl”].

- When talking about the progress of the War in Iraq, wait for the President to say “We are winning” or “we will win.” Everyone then says “Yay!” raises a glass and drinks triumphantly. When the President says the words “hard work” or indicates that hard work still remains, everyone should say “Awww” and take a disappointed sip.

- At any point during the War portion of the speech, any player may assume the role of Rogue Nation - exclaiming “Yikes!” and then ducking and cowering. Everyone else must follow suit immediately. The last player to do so becomes the Next Pre-empted Nation, who is then obliged to take a drink.*

- When the President is touting/defending his NSA spying program, listen closely. When he claims the program is “legal,” or assures us that the program has “safeguards” for our “civil liberties,” grab a Fourth Amendment and briskly wipe your ass with it. The last person to do so must drink.

- Every time the President makes mention of a spending package totaling $1 billion or more, everyone must raise their glass, exclaim “What deficit?” and take a good, hearty sip.

- When talking about about Hurricane Katrina (or anything else, really…), the President may say “I take responsibility.” At this point, raise your glass, exclaim “Finally!” and bring the glass to your lips. Do not drink unless the President says something - anything - that indicates that “taking responsibility” means anything other than saying “I take responsibility.” As you wait, slowly lower the glass from your lips.

- During the Domestic portion of the speech, keep your eyes peeled. At any time, anyone can choose to silently extend their hand forward, palm up, to receive a Corporate Handout. When you see someone do this, you must do so as well (thus becoming one of “The Rich”). The last person to extend their hand becomes “The Bottom 90%” and must drink, while everyone else yells things like “Who let him in?!” and “Get a job!” and “You’d be pulling your own weight if you didn’t drink so much!”

- Whenever the President makes mention of “tax cuts” or “tax breaks” or “tax relief” or “making tax cuts permanent,” pump your fist in glee and exclaim “Yes!” Hold the pose. The last person to do this automatically becomes The Future, the living embodiment of generations yet to come. All the other players must then take The Future’s drink and pass it between them, taking large sips. During this, The Future should protest weakly, saying things like “Whoa, easy there,” and “Hey, leave me something, huh?” This continues until The Future’s drink is empty.**

- Crisis! At any point, the player holding the Crisis Pillow can throw it at any other player’s head. Throw it slowly, telegraphing the motion. Slow motion is encouraged. The player whom the pillow is being thrown at is obligated not to react until the pillow hits him or her. If the player manages not to prepare for the blow, he is “the President” and should say something like “Whoa! I didn’t see THAT coming!” or “Who could have predicted THAT would happen?” Everyone else has to drink, and the victim now gets the pillow. If the victim reacts before the Crisis hits, he’s no President - he must drink and the thrower gets the Crisis Pillow back.***


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*No matter how dangerously drunk the Pre-empted Nation becomes, nobody is permitted to suggest that they be given a break. Anyone who does so immediately becomes “France,” and is obliged to finish their own drink while being ridiculed by the other players.

**Certain more, um, progressive groups of players might want to consider literally screwing The Future for good measure. Because this is just a game rather than our actual reality, however, everyone’s consent is required, including The Future’s.

***Other players are encouraged to warn the President of the impending Crisis Pillow, shouting things like “Look out!” and “You’re going to get hit in the head with a pillow, you fool!” The “President” must attempt not to react at all. The other players do not win anything for being right. Not a thing. They still have to drink.