No, Order NOW
My savvy sister has pointed out that one should set up an Amazon Associate’s account before one links one’s own book. [A caring sister, Susie has gently mentioned a couple of ways in which I am not exactly displaying Terrific Business Acumen or Excelling at Self-Promotion. She is right about all of them. This does not excuse her recent (and ongoing) blackmail attempts.]
So if you haven’t ordered my book yet, don’t click on the link from Friday. Stop! No clickee-clickee! Click the one in the sidebar instead. Or this one:
Nice, huh? I’ll answer any questions you might have about the novel, Schrödinger’s Ball, in the Comments below. Yes, that’s some Added Value for you, dear readers! And yes, so I’m not comfortable going on and on and on about my book in the body of my blog. Which, yes, goes a long way towards proving Susie’s point…
[more to come…]
———-
Like Disco, the Constitution Died in the 70’s…
President Bush, in honoring Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., said this today: ” Our Constitution was written to put the principles of a free and equal society into practice. It is a living document. It required amendment to make sure that promise was fulfilled, amendments like the abolishment of slavery, the guarantee of equal protection, and the right to vote for all Americans.”
Is the Constitution a living document? Clearly, it was back in Dr. King’s time. But the President and his pals have been very hostile to the exact same “living Constitution” theory in recent years. As Justice Scalia (for example) has said repeatedly, the Constitution is an enduring document, not a living one.
So, let’s be clear: The Constitution was born in 1787. It lived a long, full life until 1971 or so, at which point it died peacefully in its sleep. It was expertly preserved by a crack team of embalmers and taxidermists, and clever maintenance by hair and makeup people keep it looking fresh to this day. But don’t expect it to get up and dance for you. Nowadays the Constitution can only communicate from beyond the grave through an elite group of oracles and mediums who are specially trained to divine what the Constitution would have wanted were it still with us today. Those mystics are known as “Conservatives.”
Got it?
———–
Yes, it Will Happen
Felberpalooza is on. Go here to learn more. I am still casting about for a less Felbercentric title for the event, but thanks to ice weasel, it now has its own website! Which is, embarrassingly enough, more professional looking than this site.
Fanny Roborat
47 comments
madbard
January 16, 2006 at 7:16 pm
1What is the last sentence?
Linkmeister
January 16, 2006 at 7:35 pm
2The Last Sentence: “The Constitution was condemned and hanged by its neck until dead, dead, dead.”
This did indeed occur in the 1970s. Its last stirrings of life took place on August 8, 1974, when a sitting/standing/waving President got into a helicopter on the White House lawn and flew off into opprobrium.
Emmarie
January 16, 2006 at 8:10 pm
3Why does this post make the Constitution sound strangely like the previous Pope?
waterfowler
January 16, 2006 at 8:13 pm
4Congrats on the book Adam.
If the Constitution is dead, shouldn’t y’all be sipping vodka w/ Ginsburg right now, comrades?
cooper
January 16, 2006 at 9:36 pm
5fouler, 為什麼保守性是認為所有猶太人共產主義者?
Jim
January 16, 2006 at 10:19 pm
6Coop,
Apparently the powers that be are now blocking your french comments and replacing them with boxes. Perhaps to provide some commenters with the practice of thinking outside of them?
As for the Scalia quote, how appropriate is it that he was speaking at Weasler auditorium? (sorry Ice, I couldn’t resist. I meant no disrepect to the species).
And WF, the comment of the Constitution not being a living document was a direct quote from Scalia, therefore, if it is not a living document, but an enduring one, it follows to reason that it IS a dead, embalmed/stuffed/freeze-dried document.
Sharon
January 16, 2006 at 11:17 pm
7Scalia was right about one thing: “Eventually, voters will choose and demand judges based not on their ability to interpret the Constitution but on the political positions they hold, he warned.”
cooper
January 16, 2006 at 11:25 pm
8Jim, I promised no more French, however inscrutable Mandarin Chinese is still on the table.
Maximum Bob
January 16, 2006 at 11:38 pm
9I’m impressed, Coop. I didn’t even know there was an ideogram for “yo mamma.”
cooper
January 16, 2006 at 11:40 pm
10Chapter 21: Free to Be You and Me!
The office phone on Gus’ desk rang to no avail. His hearing aids lay in the ashtray that was, thankfully, no longer used as intended. He slept the sleep of the dead after having a lunch of Susie’s reheated homemade vegetable soup. The night before he had stayed up past 10:00 to see the Tribute to Harry Truman on the History Channel. Now there was an American President, by God! Gus made it his practice to take a midday lap. This way he could make it through the afternoon and manage to stay awake for the drive home after work. Eighty-three years old and still putting in 45 hours a week and he worked because he wanted to, by Jesus. Besides, these new hotshot computer trained mechanics that Vinnie had hired were able to change out the parts and get these newer cars back on the road, but he and Vinnie were the ones who had been in the trenches for over 3 decades now and were the heart and soul of G and V Automotive. What would he do without his boy Vinnie?
Vincent Anselmo laid the wrench back into tool tray and wiped his hands on a shop rag as he walked over to pick up the phone. He glanced at the wall clock – 1:30 – Pop would be out like a light for another hour or more.
“Hello. C and V Auto, this is Vincent.”
“Sgt. V-Wop. Drop your cock and grab your socks, it’s PLAYTIME!”
Vincent immediately recognized the voice, though he hadn’t heard it since his “Operation Phoenix” stint back in Vietnam almost 35 years ago. “Lt. Jorge Cardoza, as I live and breathe. What the fuck, sir?”
“Vinnie, please, it’s Col. Cardoza. I’ve got a proposition for you and I’m thinking you may be interested in helping out an old friend. You still running those half marathons and pumping iron, right?”
“Yeah, that’s right.” How Cardoza knew that, Vincent had no idea, but he wasn’t really surprised either. “Phoenix” had been a CIA black operation to win the hearts and minds of the elders in the various villages spread out across the Mekong Delta and, failing that, they were known to cut out the hearts and minds of said elders. Cardoza loved his work and had stayed with the Agency after Vietnam. Vincent saw the value in their project, believed in its necessity, but drew the line at assassination. He got out when his tour was over and came home to help his dad with the garage.
“That’s good! I see from your Community College transcript that you’re up to speed on computer science and electronics. Still know your C4 from an ignitor?”
“Affirmative, Jorge. What’s up?”
“Mr. Jorge, to you. So anyway, what’s up is a little job specific training, a little time in the sun, $250,000, and a chance to get square with me for that shrapnel I took saving your sorry ass back in the Delta. By the way, how’s your Farsi?”
To be continued…
Siobhan
January 17, 2006 at 12:15 am
11“I am still casting about for a less Felbercentric title for the event…”
Perhaps ComCon, since it’s mostly gonna be those who comment here. Even the DNA-linked Felbers fall into that category. (Or maybe WF has it right about our vodka sipping?)
ice weasel
January 17, 2006 at 12:34 am
12Cooper, Cooper, Cooper.
(insert head shaking here)
Via the Google translator…
□ 槭 trembles the N conservative nature is □J□ 樗 ù has □q too person altogether □a main □x
Uh, yeah. Sure.
Adam, I’ve taken down the link on the Felberpalooza page. I glad you set one up here.
And for the compliment on the Felberpalooza site Mr. Felber, thank you. I would be happy to provide my services, such as they are, completely free of charge. The offer is there.
Poor fouler. Seriously, your writers are horrible. I mean, shouldn’t comrades have been spelled with a “K”?
hedera
January 17, 2006 at 1:27 am
13Cooper, I hope that Vinnie will tell Herr Colonel Oberfuehrer to put his $250K where the sun won’t shine on it. Vinnie sounds like a nice guy with a good sense of proportion and a family to maintain.
Need I say that I don’t read spy thrillers? Especially spy thrillers set later than WWII?
Siobhan
January 17, 2006 at 1:27 am
14“I mean, shouldn’t comrades have been spelled with a “K”?”
In which case I suggest KomCon.
Siobhan
January 17, 2006 at 1:30 am
15Unless it was Commenting Komrades, in which case the website for the fest could be ComKomCon.com
ice weasel
January 17, 2006 at 1:55 am
16Well you Siobhan, I was trying to think of something less felber-centric and more towards the name of the site. Curiously enough I found that the more time I spent trying to work words “fanatical apathy” into something else, the less I gave a shit about it. I just really didn’t care anymore.
Odd that.
Timotar
January 17, 2006 at 2:42 am
17How about the Fanatical Apathy Convention?
Timotar
January 17, 2006 at 2:43 am
18Or better yet, Fanatical Apathy Convention Extrordinaire, or FACE for short.
historyenne
January 17, 2006 at 2:49 am
19I’ve already pre-ordered the book on Amazon, via conventional means. Does this mean that I have to cancel my order and then re-pre-order with this new link?
cooper
January 17, 2006 at 8:13 am
20Google translator, Ice? (Insert head shaking here) In response to fouler’s post in #4 above, “Most conservatives (”wingnuts” doesn’t really translate) think free thinkers are all Jewish communist conspirators.” You’re not too old to learn Mandarin, the language of choice of the rising economic tsunami rushing towards our shore.
hedera, life is not simple for Vincent. He picked-up and brought back a certain Vietnamese monkey on his back, that at first seemed to help him deal with issues of conscience. Now… well, he owes a little money.
Susie
January 17, 2006 at 9:55 am
21Well done Adam! Huzzah! Unfortunately, I will not reap the benefits of this Associates account, as I plan to post your Star Trek photo… today!
Moo ha ha ha!
ice weasel
January 17, 2006 at 10:31 am
22Ah yes, revenge is a dish best served cold, eh Susie? Be careful.
Cooper, I’m still struggling, after more than four decades with english. Mandarin might be beyond my ken.
One other thing struck me about water’s post, besides the obviously cliche and rather tepid commie remarks. Here was a perfect chance for fourler to engage Adam’s point and refute it. Adam, it seems to me, has always gone out of his way to politely and honestly discuss this stuff with him. Instead fouler saying something along the lines of, “Dead? The constitution isn’t dead and here’s why…” He just pops with some tired old commie bating crap. It’s just sad. And it’s the only tool left in his rusty box.
cooper
January 17, 2006 at 11:57 am
23ice, randomly tossing grenades has worked well for Newt and other like minds for many years.
Susie, well it’s about time. I mean, “How Dare You!!! Have you no shame?” Have you any extra copies?
tim
January 17, 2006 at 12:53 pm
24Adam, will you be doing an audiobook? I stopped reading pretty much anything once I got an iPod. If it’s too expensive for your publisher, I’ll volunteer my voice talents. Of course, I will be using my famous Marv Albert impression. “Chapter 1: Yeeesss!!! And it counts!”
Harold
January 17, 2006 at 1:26 pm
25Watrfowler, are you referring to sipping vodka with Ruth Bader Ginsburg? Because if you mean rejected Supreme Court nominee Alan “Captain Toke” Ginsburg, I believe some other relaxant might be appropriate.
cooper
January 17, 2006 at 1:43 pm
26Harold, and let’s not forget Allen Ginsberg.
Murray
January 17, 2006 at 2:14 pm
27I know that Adam is somewhat uneasy about this get together being about him, but, well,,, it IS about him. This will be our opportunity to meet (or re-meet) him and the other FA regulars (irregulars). So unless Adam says otherwise, I think that we should keep the moniker Felberpalooza. It says it all. Besides we need to start putting together our marketing strategies and get moving on mundane things like brochures, posters, contact with other blogs, radios, etc. and having an official name is, kind of, the first step.
For those who haven’t checked out the Felberpalooza site, we have several ideas for events above and beyond the 3 day biking festival stuff. Events more suited to the literary mind and body.
A quick synopsis of the weekend (subject to change)
Friday: arriving, getting settled in camping, or at local lodging, evening party, (here a guess your screen name contest would work), weather permitting we will pull out our telescope and invite anyone who has a scope to join in. We might even take out the owl.
There will also be lots of beer, wine, and Maker’s Mark. I expect that people will bring their favorite beverage to share and try others.
This will be standard for the weekend.
Sat: 10:00 Great American Bicycle Rally
A puzzle on wheels. Even casual riders will enjoy this. The ride is not long and the contest is to follow directions and answer questions. Easy enough, except the questions and directions, although accurate, are misleading. It’s your job to see through my ploys, and my job to outwitt you. If you want a mind challenge while pedaling easily over some gorgeous scenery, join in. We celebrate with beer afterwards.
Afternoon: This is pretty wide open, I expect that we will have live music, and perhaps a book reading and signing by Adam and maybe even Mother Felber (subject to their approval). Jane has suggested a short story contest. Come up with your best 1 or 2 personal stories, perform them and we will see what the crowd thinks. Another idea from Jane is a wine and micro brew tasting. I will contact local wineries and breweries and see if I can bring them in to talk about their wares and give out free samples.
It was also suggested to have a pot luck. I like this idea although there are some concerns. We can procure an extra refrigerator and will have 3 grills and an industrial cooker in addition to a campfire. If people can bring 1 type of dish or bring a sauce and get meat locally here, I think we can make it work.
Sunday:
10:00 AM Mountain Bike race.
I’m guessing that not that many Felbernauts will join me here but what the hell. It’s fun to watch. We cycling crazed loonies will be making 2 laps of our course and everyone else can choose to watch from the campground or the pond. There is plenty of action and we should have back with us the 2003 24 Hours of Adrenaline Solo World Champion (in her division). So even if competition bike racing isn’t your thing it will be a fun distraction.
3:00
Pike to Bike ride. www.pike2bike.org
This is not only fun but truly weird. It is also VERY easy. We will be riding on the only section of interstate highway that has been abandoned and turned into a bike trail. This is Post Apocalyptic America. We will be taking a “Behind the scene” tour and see the really interesting things off limit to the public. Those who don’t want to go the full 8 miles may make it less than 2 miles, just enough to get to the near tunnel.
Evening Activities: TBD possibly our own version of WWDTM.
Monday
9:00 AM
Road Ride.
This is for those serious about road riding. We will be supporting a 3 State Metric Century (65 miles) and a 4 State full Century (100 miles).
During all of this time the pond will be available for swimming, and kayaking, other than during the Mt. bike race the trails will be open for hiking, and there will always be folks at the campground.
We will also have a list of other attractions off sites for those who want to see the area. Gravity Hill, 14 covered bridges, Old Bedford Village (a mini version of Williamsburg), and much more.
Murray
January 17, 2006 at 2:17 pm
28We will also be posting our schedule on the Felberpalooza site. Please visit it often and give us your ideas.
Murray
January 17, 2006 at 2:18 pm
29Cooper, I expect your short story for Felberpalooza to be a doozie.
Ice, Coop, you could always do as I do and ignore WF, he’s only bating anyways. My guess is that if no one notices he is there he will cease to be there. (Unless you prefer him to be there).
Murray
January 17, 2006 at 2:22 pm
30Oh, I forgot. Adam and Susie created a video game a couple of years back, perhaps we can have a version of the game to play.
http://www.cutlercreative.com/
Brent
January 17, 2006 at 4:05 pm
31Adam,
Congratulations on the book, but you do realize by using Amazon you are supporting President Bush? Check out where Amazon spends its campaign money
. Next time consider a blue company for distribution like Barnes & Noble.
Thanks. b.
Brent
January 17, 2006 at 4:06 pm
32www.buyblue.org
Susie
January 17, 2006 at 5:16 pm
33I am ordering Adam’s book from Amazon while drinking a Coor’s light, lighting a cigar I bought at Wal-Mart and administering shocks to the kids who are not sewing fast enough at my underground sneaker factory. Is that a problem?
Actually, I suggest you only buy Adam’s book from Sailaway Books. They only use wind power to deliver the book. Your fave titles come via sailboat and are then walked to your home by indiginous peoples, all of whom make a living wage, stock options and health insurance even if they only work 10 minutes/week.
waterfowler
January 17, 2006 at 6:07 pm
34Coop,
Not necessarily Jewish, just communist conspirators. Remember, my boss is a Jewish carpenter. And, No habla Mandarin Chinese, I’ll wait for the tsunami.
Murray,
Your dirge…nevermind. Get over it.
The camping and biking sound fun, but the “guess your screen name” would be over before I even got a chance to say “howdy”. You know, showing up driving the “General Lee”, gun rack, W2 bumper sticker, camo clothes and all. And Coop, it would have to be Shiner Bock instead of Lone Star.
Murray
January 17, 2006 at 7:48 pm
35If my sister showed a picture like that to the world, she wouldn’t exist right now. Good thing she didn’t exist in the first place.
Camo, Bush sticker, gun rack, driving a POS would only mean a local.
cooper
January 17, 2006 at 11:02 pm
36Fouler - Shiner Bock, gotcha. Surf’s up, dude - watch for the crest to break at a factory near you.
Adam, looks like Susie sucker-punched your front tooth, Bubbie.
Ann
January 18, 2006 at 5:13 am
37I’m concerned that Susie doesn’t know how to laugh evil-maniacally. “Moo ha ha” is how cows laugh. True evil maniacs laugh more like “Mwah ha ha.” Susie, you need to practice!
Susie
January 18, 2006 at 2:58 pm
38Good point Ann. But how do evil cows laugh?
Thompson
January 18, 2006 at 3:02 pm
39Our library of recordings on the matter is inconclusive, but we speculate from the incomplete clips of various bovine supervillains collected over the years that it would sound something like this. “Moo-hwa-ha.”
Emmarie
January 18, 2006 at 8:28 pm
40Of course evil cows laugh. How else would they celebrate?
ice weasel
January 18, 2006 at 11:34 pm
41You know Susie, I’m not generally one to start something but I have to say I thought your choice of companion images for Adam’s Star Trek outfit was rather interesting. What was that yellow thing you were sporting in the image with you and Adam? Some kind of stripper/figure skater fusion ensemble? I mean, feathers at the cuffs and hem? My my. I think I need to have a word with your mother during Felberpalooza.
And Adam, my digital friend. Who could possibly be embarrassed by that awesome Star Fleet shirt? I mean, that’s no cheap, $4.99 Halloween Captain Kirk in a box. That’s a darn spiffy shirt. But Adam, oh Adam, what in the name of satan are those rubber boots all about? Words fail me.
Ok, now that I’ve alienated not only our host, but his lovely and talented sister (as well as probably irritated their mother), I’ll slink back to damp and dank hiding place.
Pete IVDL
January 19, 2006 at 9:42 am
42Thompson, you have a library of recordings of e-vil bovine supervillains? Cool! Where can I get a copy?
Susie, your heart is in the right place, but unfortunately, “moo ha ha” does bear an uncanny resemblance to “The Laughing Cow” joke that proliferated after the first BSE scare… As a suggestion, I’d modulate the “moo” with a palatal stop, and extend the “ha ha” a little (but not so much that folks think you have a stutter). Perhaps something like, “MWUHAHAHAHAHA!“. Of course, they’re your vocal chords and AHMUW keys, but it might be worth the effort.
Now, what about, er, KomKon.Kom. Oh, wait, no, the initials are already taken…
Pete IVDL
January 19, 2006 at 9:45 am
43Hmmm. “Fanatical Apathetics Anonymous”? FAA? “Hi there, I’m Pete In Van Diemen’s Land, and I’m fanatically apathetic!” (Round of interested silence…)
Ann
January 19, 2006 at 11:36 am
44It’s vocal “cords.” Jeez. First the silly cow laugh, now this. It’s not easy being an editor with OCD. (Although that’s actually a requirement for the job!)
(throat clearing) MWAH-ha-ha!
Harold
January 19, 2006 at 12:15 pm
45I’m firmly in the “Felberpalooza” camp. But if we’re still considering alternate names, “FanApaCon” kinda rolls off the tongue.
Thompson
January 19, 2006 at 1:30 pm
46Pete, bad news. I went to the audiolibrary to make that recording for you, only to find it in ashes, our only clue to the perpetrator a few white hairs and an odd methane smell hanging in the air.
Our intelligence experts are still baffled, and suggest it may have been a Canadian black ops team.
Pete IVDL
January 20, 2006 at 5:44 am
47Er, has anyone else noticed the list of links in Adam’s sidebar? It’s gone all Aussie - you know, we call breakfast “brekky”, TV “telly”, biscuits “bikkies”, etc-y. Or is this old news?
Signed, Petie.