From Reuters:
WASHINGTON - The United States on Tuesday warned Iran against following through on plans to resume atomic fuel research and development which it said would further Tehran’s quest to build nuclear bombs.
[We join a phone call, in progress, between Undersecretary of State Robert Joseph and Iranian Vice President Mohammed Reza Aref-Yazdi]
JOSEPH: …and a new grill from the wife. A Weber Genesis Platinum. What did you get?
AREF-YAZDI: …
JOSEPH: Oh, right, Ramadan.
AREF-YAZDI: Yes.
JOSEPH: Okay, then, to business. Um, it’s come down to me to, er, warn you guys not to develop any nuclear weapons. Or there will be consequences.
AREF-YAZDI: …
JOSEPH: I’m sorry?
AREF-YAZDI: What?
JOSEPH: I thought I heard something. Are you - are you laughing?
AREF-YAZDI: No, no! I was… eating. Dried chickpeas. They crunch.
JOSEPH: Okay…
AREF-YAZDI: But, wait, my friend, Mr. Joseph. I was… chewing too loud, could you say it again?
JOSEPH: Um, sure -
AREF-YAZDI: - Wait, I need to turn on the speakerphone. Okay. Okay, say it again.
JOSEPH: Well, I was just warning you that there will be some serious consequences if you develop nuclear weapons, and it’s - what’s that?
AREF-YAZDI: What?
JOSEPH: Now it sounds like a whole room full of giggling people.
AREF-YAZDI: No, no, Mr. Undersecretary. Wait, you know what it is?
JOSEPH: What?
AREF-YAZDI: It’s this damn window on the east side of the room. It gets a lot of the noise from Afghanistan.
JOSEPH: Oh. Sorry.
AREF-YAZDI: Here, I’ll close that window, the one that faces Afghanistan.
JOSEPH: Okay.
AREF-YAZDI: There. My apologies, sometimes massive troop movements and skirmishes in the distance can sound like a roomful of politicians and mullahs howling with laughter. Please continue.
JOSEPH: Um…
AREF-YAZDI: No, no, you were saying.
JOSEPH: Yes. Er, so if you insist on developing nuclear weapons, there will be consequen- dammit, you guys ARE laughing at me!
AREF-YAZDI: Hee hee - no, no, no we’re not!
JOSEPH: I hear it!
AREF-YAZDI: No, you’ve got it all wrong, Mr. Undersecretary - I’ve got… hehehe… another… hahaha… window.
JOSEPH: You do?
AREF-YAZDI: Yes. In fact, this one faces west, towards Iraq. As you can imagine, there’s a lot of noise coming from there that might coincidentally sound like an entire governing coalition laughing at you - hoo hoo! [aside] Oh I can’t take it! Shhh!
[We hear the sounds of a desk being pounded, more shushing, and laughter.]
JOSEPH: …
AREF-YAZDI: Breathe. Got to breathe. Okay. Now, I’m ready. Mr. Joseph, could you please explain to me again… hello?
JOSEPH: …
AREF-YAZDI (away from receiver): I think he hung up. Do you think that was for real? Farooque does a great American accent. I don’t know… Let’s get lunch.
[We hear the sounds of a pitched battle (or troop movements, or, possibly, a large number of laughing men) receding into the distance.]
Fanny Roborat
31 comments
Siobhan Ruck
January 3, 2006 at 6:01 pm
1… And we are backed up with a Coalition of the Wilting!
not that Pete
January 3, 2006 at 6:03 pm
2… where ignorant armies laugh by night.
(with apologies to M. Arnold)
cooper
January 3, 2006 at 6:43 pm
3Well said, Adam. Now that we have both hands and one foot deeply sunk into the Iraqi tar baby, there’s not a whole lot we can do about nuclear profileration in Iran or North Korea. Until we can free up the military, any diplomatic bluffing we could do to discourage the Iranians, would not be backed up by the sound of sabres rattling, but rather that of urine running down our collective leg. This is very serious business here. Our nation has been adrift and acting stupid about this; our diplomats badly fumbling the nuclear issue. In this situation, we need our leaders to be ruthless and continuously plotting 5 moves ahead. I certainly haven’t seen much of that happening lately.
When I was a mere lad and still practicing “duck and cover” under my desk at grammer school, I felt in my heart that America would eventually win out in the Cold War and that we would then find the U.S. at the top of the heap militarily, economically and morally. That actually happened (well, not the morally part). I also felt that we would use our lofty position to do good - find cures for the diseases that plagued the under-developed countries; use our advanced sciences to solve the really weighty problems that humanity faced and bring the nations of the world together; use the mere threat of our military to damp down the hot spots around the world and protect the peace. Damn! What a shamefully dumbass kid I was!
Murray
January 3, 2006 at 6:47 pm
4Adam, you could have done a double post by adding the name of North Korea’s minister of Nuclear Weapons and Farmall A Tractors to AREF-YAZDI as a conference call. Their responses could have been identical. (Double the laughs).
I thought sure that you were going to post on Abram Jackemoff’s dropping the dime on a shit load of powerful Republicans. Maybe Delay will actually get what is coming to him.
Murray
January 3, 2006 at 6:50 pm
5Cooper,
You weren’t (or aren’t) the dumbass kid.
Maximum Bob
January 3, 2006 at 7:08 pm
6Don’t assume that just because we’re in Iraq we couldn’t invade Iran. I’m confident that at this very moment, Pentagon planners are trying to determine whether we have a large enough military to wage a two-quagmire war.
dee
January 3, 2006 at 7:15 pm
7Oh yeah? Well let’s just hear them after we send over Cub Scout Pack 638 (which is about all we have left, uniformed troop-wise). They may not be much in the way of warriors, but Aref-Yazdi will be so frightened by the Claw in the Car Roof Story he won’t be able to concentrate on a nuclear weapons program.
And if that doesn’t work, he’ll surrender after the third hour of fart jokes.
Mojo
January 3, 2006 at 7:30 pm
8Actually, our Air Force isn’t heavily committed at all right now and air power plus international sanctions can effectively force a country to destroy all of their weapons of mass destruction and even cease their WMD development programs. Of course, since the best example of that is pre-invasion Iraq, it would be a bit tough for the current President to make the argument without the irony ripping a hole in the fabric of the universe.
cooper
January 3, 2006 at 8:30 pm
9Good point, Mojo. We don’t want that happening, now do we?
On another topic, Paul Krugman’s column today pointed to a Newsweek story about the White House staff having to put together a DVD of newscasts about Katrina devestation and show it to Dumbya because, for whatever reason, several days had already passed and the hopelessness and the dire need of the survivors was not getting through to the president. If words fail, show him pictures. The staff was probably risking excommunication by doing this, so kudos to the few and the brave in DC.
Amina
January 3, 2006 at 10:04 pm
10How can the US demand that other countries not make or get rid of WMDs when we maintain the largest arsenal in the world? According to (admittedly outdated) data from the Center for Defense Information, the US has over 10,000 nuclear weapons while Russia has about 8,000 and the UK 185.
I’m actually asking this question seriously, not in the sarcastic/rhetorical way that it might sound. It’s a question I’ve been wondering about for a few years now, on an issue of which I don’t feel I have a deep understanding. (Grammatical backbend in deference to Mr. Spelczek).
I understand that having one more nuclear-armed nation makes the world that much more dangerous, but seriously, is the US in any position to fuss about nuclear-armed countries? Shouldn’t the UN, or perhaps a country that is not currently throwing its military weight around in the Middle East/Central Asia, be warning Iran?
cooper
January 3, 2006 at 11:10 pm
11Amina, your last paragraph has your answer. The more nuclear buttons there are, the more likely that one day, someone will push the button. We need to contain the number of nations with nuclear weapons, while actively pursue reductions in existing stockpiles. The stories one hears about misunderstandings and near misses…
Is the US hypocritical to have thousands of nuclear weapons, while at the same time insisting that Iran and North Korea not make any weapons themselves? Absolutely. But it’s easier to eventually get to zero, if you have fewer players in the game, don’t you think? Maybe now would be a good time for everyone to e-mail your congressman and senator about this topic. It doesn’t take long. I do it all the time.
Murray
January 4, 2006 at 12:52 am
12Amina,
I don’t think that we should have NO nuclear weapons. But I think that we should have no more than could destroy the entire world. Let’s say that number is 500. OK, let’s double that number to 1000. That will make all of the rubble bounce after we are all dead. So why do we need the next 9000? (Actually down from the 20-30,000 we used to have). You will have to ask the defense contractors who pay for the congressmen who decide those things.
Corwin Haught
January 4, 2006 at 2:27 am
13With WWDTM now on Minnesota Public Radio two times a weekend, the MPR WWDTM Anti-Defamation League now dissolves itself victorously. If MPR screws with WWDTM’s place on the schedule yet again, we, errr, I, will rise again to fight back.
ginny
January 4, 2006 at 4:15 am
14Speaking of WWDTM (”Remain calm and no one gets hurt! Stay by the computer for our list of demands!”) my husband david and I are hoping to drag his parents to a Chicago taping as soon as possible. They are both huge fans, although my mom-in-law (”Demand 1! Cookies!”) has an unfortunate tendency to shush people who are laughing at live comedy.
This has caused controversy in the family, because my brother-in-law occasionaly does improv classes (”Demand B! Immediate backrubs for hijackers!!”), and she can clearly be heard on one video shushing people who were laughing too hard at one of his shows (that would be me). My brother-in-law objects to this on the basis that it’s important for people at a comedy show to actually laugh out loud (”Final demand!! Hand over the chocolate, and back away slowly!”), especially if he’s sweating up on stage with his classmates trying to be funny.
So anyway, we’ll bring her to a WWDTM show (featuring funnyman Felber)(”Psyche demand! Maker’s Mark for all!”) sometime soon, but we’ll sit in the back so Adam can’t hear her shushing people who are laughing too loud (that will be me again).
As for Iran, I’ve been saying for more than a year now that they’re next. Once they start mentioning 9/11 with every other breath in “news” articles, I figure we’ll have about 6 months (definitely after Election Day, though).
After that, Nigeria, because there’s a lot of
oilyellowcake to secure there.Pete IVDL
January 4, 2006 at 9:17 am
15Look folks, you’ve got nothing to worry about. It’s not the nukes that are important - it’s the buttons. Take away the buttons, and these idiots would be mashing their thumbs on the “Another great Halliburton Product!” stickers on the panels where the buttons used to be. See? Simple!
Speaking of simple, Dumbya’s (I like that moniker Coop, it sounds like Dubya with a speech impediment) attraction to Iran as the next War On …. series is obvious, but ol’ Brer Aref is much smarter. Dangerous, loony, delusional, but smarter. Like wonderful Mr Kim, president Zhang, Castro, Blair, Putin, and little Timmy in second grade. Boy I’m glad he’s your president, even if he’s our problem.
ice weasel
January 4, 2006 at 1:00 pm
16Oh Pete, brevity truly is the soul of wit, “Boy I’m glad he’s your president, even if he’s our problem.”
Maximum Bob
January 4, 2006 at 3:12 pm
17You give a 59-year-old man-boy a nuclear arsenal, and he’s everyone’s problem.
hedera
January 4, 2006 at 5:04 pm
18A little blogwhoring here (yes, I actually started one): Adam may not have gotten to the Abramoff mess yet, but I have. Feel free to visit my very new blog site…
cooper
January 4, 2006 at 5:56 pm
19hedera, thanks for the tip about your blog. I’m number 1! I’m number 1! Of course, I’m getting ready the big game tonight. Gotta pull for USC. Sorry, fouler, I was born out in Southern CA, plus Dumbya and his party-monster daughters are pulling for UT, so the friend of my enemy… (Truth be told, I don’t give a hopping hell who wins.)
Ann
January 4, 2006 at 6:22 pm
20Why does Hedera’s link not work for me?
Ann
January 4, 2006 at 6:23 pm
21Never mind. I had to delete the br bit.
hedera
January 4, 2006 at 6:50 pm
22Sorry, Ann, I’ll be more careful next time…
David
January 4, 2006 at 9:37 pm
23hedera,
Didn’t work for me either. Is this the work of that puritanical Adam blocking a little blog-whoring?
ginny
January 4, 2006 at 9:39 pm
24Click on hedera’s name - that link works fine.
David
January 5, 2006 at 2:46 am
25Thanks, ginny. Can’t get it to accept any user name I put in, so I can’t join in on the comments. It ain’t easy being borderline cyber-incompetent.
Congrats, Waterfowler. Looking forward to the showdown in January ‘08 (as well as the one in November ‘08, but that ain’t football).
tess
January 5, 2006 at 4:21 am
26Lordy, I stop watching the news and going online for 3 weeks and suddenly I’m hearing about demands on Iran, hedera having a blog, and all sorts of other tasty tidbits that remind me why I sometimes want to hole myself into video game and pretend that sometimes the world isn’t run by complete morons.
I think I’m going to go back to my game now . . .
Pete IVDL
January 5, 2006 at 8:13 am
27David, try clicking the “anonymous” radio button just above the login details; the login boxes change to something similar to what Adam’s site offers to the Rest Of Us… Hope this helps!
Murray
January 5, 2006 at 1:37 pm
28Tess, welcome back, I wondered where you were.
ginny
January 5, 2006 at 5:52 pm
29Pete is all about the buttons.
hedera
January 7, 2006 at 2:27 am
30Just to clarify: in an attempt not to have to deal with automated spam posts, I told my blog site to ask posters to copy the string of letters into the box below, to prove that it’s a human typing a post. Adam doesn’t do this, but then we know he’s a better man than I am. But if you want to post as anything except “anonymous”, you do have to copy that random string of funny letters. If this turns out to be too much of a pain in the anatomy I may turn it off.
Pete IVDL
January 8, 2006 at 8:23 am
31Mmmmm…buttons….