First Quarter

- In an effort to bolster the sagging industry, the Oscars will have a much more “populist” tone this year. Nominees will include Owen Wilson for Best Actor (”The Wedding Crashers”), Jada Pinkett Smith for Best Actress (”Madagascar,” hippo), and for Best Picture, “That Really Funny Commercial wiith The Duck Who Keeps Saying Stuff But Nobody Listens.”

- Samuel Alito will be confirmed as our newest Supreme Court Justice. Some observers will be made nervous by the “WWJD” emblazoned on his robes as he’s sworn in. By a 5-4 vote, his proposal to make the Official Mascot of the Court a cartoon character named “Zeke the Zygote” will be defeated.

- The new government in Iraq will face a minor setback when every member of it is assassinated. US headline: “Streamlined Iraqi Parliament Ready to Face New Era.”


Second Quarter

- The “last throes” of the insurgency in Iraq will continue, highlighted by a “Last Throes 1 Year Anniversary” celebration in Fallujah. Vice President Cheney will decline the invitation to be Grand Marshall of the “Last Throes Parade,” passing up the opportunity to ride on the “Surrender Dorothy” float. Intelligence analysts will express deep concerns about the insurgents’ apparent advances in sarcasm technology.

- Paris Hilton, too long out of the spotlight, will hit the talk show circuit to protest the dissemination of her latest private sex tape and beg people not to download it. Her publicist will call distribution of the tape (which will feature Paris, her boyfriend, a Lithuanian circus troupe, and a bisexual pony) “an outrageous and unfair violation of a private moment, directed by Jonathan Demme and available now.”

- The NSA will strongly deny new allegations of improper snooping. As a gesture of goodwill it will allow citizens to purchase tapes and snapshots of their weddings, birthday parties, and any other gatherings held since 2002.

- A horrifying day of violence will further demoralize the Iraqi people. US headline: “Hero Marine Rescues Puppy From Well.”


Third Quarter

- Victory in Iraq! After a massive counterinsurgency assault, the US will declare Total Victory in Iraq. Troop withdrawals will commence just as US congressmen head home to campaign for the midterm elections. Iraq’s proud new democratic government will thank the US and promise eternal friendship from an undisclosed location.

- The year’s most-hyped summer movies will be “Gilligan’s Island” (starring Will Ferrell), “X-Men Meet Spiderman in the Batcave, part III,” “Leave it to Beaver” (starring Will Ferrell), “WombatMan” (based on Marvel Comic’s sole unleveraged hero from the 60’s), and “The Love Boat Movie” (starring Will Ferrell, Lucy Liu, Larry the Cable Guy, and Beyoncé Knowles “as Isaac the Bartender”).

- The Supreme Court will declare that life begins during the first stages of arousal.

- Despite all the hype, the surprise hit movie of the summer will be “The Will Ferrell Story” (starring Ben Stiller as Will Ferrell).

- Iraq devolves into civil war. US headline: “Miracle Puppy Doing Fine, Georgia Couple Says.”


Fourth Quarter

- As the midterm elections approach, Republicans will lash Democrats for highlighting the growing chaos in Iraq: “We’re not even THERE anymore.” There will be many news items about the liberals’ new “War on Columbus Day.” In growing desperation, Republicans will also dig up Terri Schiavo and produce scientists who insist that her brain shows “significant activity that cannot be dismissed by what liberals are calling ‘worms.’”

- The #1 album of the year will be Ashley Simpson’s “Somebody Else Sang This,” featuring the single, “You Asshats (Will Buy It Anyway).”

- The few reporters who are still paying attention will notice that Iraq no longer seems to be on the map and that Iran looks “a little fatter.”

- In the elections, Republicans will lose both houses of Congress, which Fox News claims is “conclusive evidence that Americans hate America.”