From CNN:

WASHINGTON (AP) — The CIA’s interrogation methods are “unique” but don’t involve torture, agency chief Porter Goss says, although he won’t specify just what techniques are used to extract information from prisoners…

“This agency does not do torture. Torture does not work,” Goss said. “We use lawful capabilities to collect vital information and we do it in a variety of unique and innovative ways, all of which are legal and none of which are torture.”

“An enemy that’s working in an amorphous network that doesn’t have to worry about a bunch of regulations, chain of command, rule of law or anything else has got a huge advantage over a stultified, slow-moving bureaucratic, by-the-book” organization, Goss argued. “So we have to, within the law and within all the requirements of our professional ethics in this profession, develop agility.”

From the “CIA Agents Field Guide: Addendum 1275b - 2005″

Being out on your own during an interrogation can be scary. Who is this guy? Is he a terrorist? Is he planning an imminent attack? Is he really just the simple goatherd he claims to be? What language is he speaking? Why won’t he stop bleeding?

Those are some tough questions, and there are no easy answers. Not from us, at least. Remember, you need to use your own inspiration to get to the bottom of an overseas interrogation, and though we’d like to help, we’re really not allowed to know exactly what you’re doing, just in case it’s sort of in that “grey area.”

So here are some fun ideas that other agents may or may not have tried in recent months. Remember, these are just a “jumping-off point.” Be creative! Have fun! And above all, remember to pay attention to international guidelines and don’t do anything that you are specifically forbidden to do. Specifically, get it? Okay?

Stress Positions: The Swami
There’s a thin line between discomfort and actual “pain.” Some people are more flexible than others, but you don’t have to officially “know” that. So why not try a compulsory one-on-one “yoga class?” While questioning your “interrogation partner,” show him pictures of certain yoga/gymnastics/circus freak positions that you’re going to “help him” get into. You might find that once you’ve gotten your budding contortionist into these poses, he suddenly remembers things a whole lot better - it’s amazing how scratching your head with the soles of both feet can stimulate the brain!

A Familiar Ring
You can’t really threaten the lives of your guests’ families, but there’s no rule against showing them familiar-looking body parts. Be creative, and accessorize the limbs, fingers, and noses with traditional clothing and jewelry from your subject’s home country - you might just get lucky! Remember to let their imagination do the work for you - “Hey, look what I found outside! I sure hope the owner of this gets to keep her other thumb!” [Many of our branches maintain stockpiles of amputated parts, so it doesn’t have to cost you an arm and a leg. Lol!]

Just Friends
Everybody loves the now-defunct hit sitcom “Friends,” right? But even veteran fans know that viewing more than an episode or two in a sitting can be somewhat disturbing. It can become repetitive, cloying, and eventually downright creepy. So why not host an all-night, all-day, all-week “Friends” party? We particularly recommend episodes wherein Phoebe gets some crazy idea in her head or Chandler finds himself really frustrated but in a kind of impotent way. By the 50th episode, your “adopted pals” may be singing like canaries. [An agent at a black prison in Poland (which doesn’t exist!) reports that dressing your prisoners up as popular “Friends” characters can really enhance the experience!]

The Jihad Joke Shop
It’s amazing how the continual substitution of “gag gifts” for beloved objects can soften up a prisoner. It’s all fun and games, of course, but what if it just doesn’t stop? Eventually your “honored guest” will fear that every can of chickpeas might contain amusing springy snakes, that every prayer mat might deliver a mild and hilarious shock, and that every turban might come back from the laundry a little… “itchy.” Feel free to browse our online Joke Shop, and make sure you pick up at least one or two “Whoopee Korans.”

The Long Cocktail Party
This one’s really innovative! Put your “residents” in fancy eveningwear, bring ‘em to a reception hall with tasty finger-food and pleasant-but-unobtrusive music, and let the party begin! The key is to not let it end, not for days and days. You’ll find the party usually has a lot of small talk and awkward silences at first, but eventually the conversation really gets rolling. And if you don’t overhear what you need, you can bet that after a few days some of your party-goers will be pounding at the doors offering anything for a chance to make a polite exit.

Just Beat the Hell Out of ‘Em
Okay, you’re not allowed to do this. Definitely not, even though ideally you’d probably like to do this as a “side-dish” to all of the above. But you’re not allowed. By putting you far away from US soil and giving you limited contact with the outside world and concealing even the location of where you are and the identities of your prisoners, we realize that we’re just going to have to trust you not to beat the living shit out of your wards. Because we realize that you can probably get away with it and that you really hate those guys and that anything you get out of ‘em might just save thousands of Americans as well as your own families and that though they say that torture doesn’t work you never know and you’re not getting anywhere with legal techniques and why not give it a try? We know you may be thinking that and that you’re also thinking that this is what we really want you to do. But we’re just going to have to trust you to abide by all those international agreements and whatnot, because we really can’t stop you from “being a hero” and “saving the free world” and “doing what’s necessary even if it means breaking a couple of rules because those rules were written by bureaucratic pussies who’ve never been near a real war.” We’d love to come out there and supervise, but we’re… busy. So remember to “do” the “right” “thing.” Okay?

So, have fun. Let’s get out there and ask some questions! Wherever “there” is (lol!).