Comrades:

The results are in, and the American people have been successfully hoodwinked by us, the Forces of Evil. Let’s take stock

First, our three-pronged plan has been a staggering success, thanks to our friends in the media. We’ve managed to mire the Bush administration in scandal, engineer “natural” events so that Republicans leaders seem arrogant and incompetent, and recast the stunning triumph of democracy in Iraq as a “chaotic failure.” Hee hee! Good work, everyone!

Our latest polls indicate that Americans are starting to think that it’s possible to be both a Democrat and a real American. That having opinions contrary to those of the Bush administration does not necessarily mean you hate this country. This sort of thinking play right into our hands, of course! But it didn’t happen by itself; it was your work that got us here.

To think that a few short years ago people were saying it wouldn’t work! That a confederation of terrorists, socialists, abortionists, atheists, big-governmentists, and Satanists couldn’t pull it together and take back our country in order to bring it down! Well, we proved ‘em wrong, at least for now.

But let’s not get cocky. The real war is 2006, after all. This was really just a skirmish. It’s a good sign, but if we want the nation to vote to have their income taken away, their God spat upon, their freedoms abolished, their unborn babies despoilt, and their homes blown up by terrorists… if we want them to vote for all of that, well, we clearly still have a lot of work to do. But this is a good start, and there are some positive signs:

- Our friends at the Gay Recruitment Headquarters report that this fall’s membership drive capped off their best quarter ever! Soon only Texas will be holding out against the gay agenda to transform America, and that’s also good news for you atheists and members of Americans Against Morality. As for you radical Islamists, well… think of the larger picture, guys. Big tent. Big tent.

- Tax fans have a lot to be cheery about, that’s for sure. With governorships in Virginia and New Jersey and spending caps rejected in California, those of us who love seeing our money being taken away and given to poor layabouts, wasteful government programs, and phantom “debt”… well, we’re sittin’ pretty! What’s so amazing about this is that we’ve managed to convince most Americans that cutting taxes while increasing spending isn’t sound economic policy. And they bought it! Lol! Big thanks to our friends in the Society for Misleading the Public and Destroying the American Way! And the Elders of Zion. Just stellar, stellar work.

- Democrats in office and the failure of “parental notification” is great news for all of us abortion lovers too! Apparently we’re succeeding in making people think that it’s possible to disapprove of abortion, want to discourage it, and think it ought to be legal! This is all due to the hard work of the west coast offices of Mothers Against Infants and their friends in Babies Totally Suck International.

Yes, it’s a big day. But let’s keep our eyes on the prize. Remember that the 2006 midterms aren’t a lock yet, and if we don’t secure a big Democratic victory, then we’ll never be able to dismantle the national defense. We need to keep pushing the idea that America should respect its “allies” and “international law,” we need to keep fighting for the “rights” of “people.” If we don’t keep at it, we may never realize our dream of seeing our country’s guard lowered and our homes, families, and selves getting blown up.

Remember that. If you find yourself in 2007, looking out the window at a peaceful, free, happy landscape, a world where your children can play in safety and you and your neighbors live in prosperity and health… well, you’ll only have yourselves to blame.

But heck, I’m being a killjoy! This is a good day, and you deserve to celebrate. Get out there and spend someone else’s cash, have unprotected gay sex with a minor, eat a baby, etc. You deserve it!

Hugs,

Your Leader