Drafts don’t happen every year in politics. This isn’t the NBA (which, incidentally, is underway! I may have to take a break until, say, June…). But when there’s an opportunity to draft key players, you have to make sure you’re making the right choice for your specific team.
This season, with the breakup of the Republican party, there is a real opportunity for Democrats to draft a political demographic or two. Who should we pick? Let’s break it down:
Moderates: This is the most obvious choice, but the Democrats might not even have to draft them. These are the swing voters, the Reagan Democrats, the Clinton Republicans. In 2006 and 2008 it’s very likely that they’ll be waived by the Republicans anyway, so we can pick ‘em up on the cheap. Their game is solid but unflashy, exactly the kind of people you need to make the playoffs.
Values Voters: When the league expanded earlier this year, the “Religious Right” team fragmented into two new teams, the “Griping Goddies” and the “Values Voters.” Goddies are going to stay in the Republican League, no doubt. But religious folks who lean towards the traditional values of peace, personal integrity, and protecting the environment… the people who talk about needles and camels more often than fire and brimstone… they’re eminently draftable, and they’ll really help shore up our defense.
Neocons: Forget ‘em. They have a long list of demands, and they would be locker-room poison even if we did manage to draft ‘em. Plus, the Republicans have a lot less capital to spend this year - leaving the neocons to them will put the GOP over its shrunken salary cap. Besides, they’re a coaching staff without an actual team, voter-wise, whatever they might think.
Nixonians: These pragmatic old-school, business-oriented Republicans could easily be drafted, unless the GOP decides to hire Coach McCain. Otherwise - they’re on a team dominated by Goddies and Neocons, who have trouble enough sharing the ball with each other, let alone a third scorer. Look for the Nixes to be an early-round pick, and if they can get along with their old foes on the Democratic Team, these crafty veterans will really deliver when it counts.
Real Reaganites: Their trickle-down style of play doesn’t really fit with our team’s game, but they’re pretty disgruntled with their current situation. I’d advise against drafting them, but a midseason trade isn’t out the question. [Trades are never out the question with these guys.]
There you have it. The restructuring brought on by the Bush meltdown has thrown the league wide open. If you’re playing in a political fantasy league, you might want to print this out and use it for reference. The season starts sooner than you think.





17 comments
Etienne
November 4, 2005 at 7:08 pm
1Oy, enough with the football analogies….
Adam Felber
November 4, 2005 at 7:15 pm
2“Basketball”
Football’s not really my game.
neocleo
November 4, 2005 at 7:27 pm
3“. . . the Bush meltdown”, the burning bush, heh.
Harold
November 4, 2005 at 8:46 pm
4This explains a lot. I’ve been banging my head off a wall trying to talk sense into a Neocon. I didn’t realize that they were immune to such an attack.
Bob
November 4, 2005 at 10:47 pm
5You’re missing a good bet: Satanists.
The way I figure it, if they are as dismissive of their savior’s teachings as fundamentalists are theirs, they’re bound to be mighty fine folks.
David
November 4, 2005 at 11:41 pm
6I like it, but I’ll be damned if I have any ideas to put on the table (or any players).
Bob,
Well put.
pyrephox
November 5, 2005 at 10:02 am
7Hey, what about the /Liberals/? We’re desperate to be drafted, get a chance to go up there and play the good game, maybe try some three-point shots, but the Democrats won’t even let us on the bench, in the name of ‘widening the base’.
cooper
November 5, 2005 at 2:44 pm
8Well, in all candor, if you’ve seen Ted Kennedy lately, you’ve seen that /Liberals/ are capable of widening their bases all on their own.
Bob
November 5, 2005 at 11:28 pm
9You’d think there’d be one other category we’d be able to recruit easily: the military. You’d think that being sent on a dubious, life-threatening mission, or having a loved one sent, would make you particularly critical of the administration that formulated the ill-conceived plan. You’d think.
But it doesn’t work that way, and not just because a voluntary army tends to draw people who are more conservative than the norm.
Sunday’s New York Times Magazine has an article about Sarah Smiley, who writes a syndicated column about the life of a military wife. She supports the war in Iraq. Here’s a quote:
“We’ve had a lot of friends who have died. And the thing their families cling to is ‘my husband-son-daughter’ died so that we can be free and live here. They cling to that. So the people who don’t agree with the war, what are they left with if that person dies?
“I guess they’re left feeling angry,” she went on. “Very angry. And so maybe I haven’t allowed myself to go there.” She pressed her hands together in an unconscious prayer. “Because I just want to believe.”
This is an intelligent, thinking person who’s concisely described just what any anti-Iraq-war group is up against when trying to win over service people and their families. It’s a Catch-22 that puts Joseph Heller’s to shame.
What would you say to her?
Murray
November 6, 2005 at 5:29 pm
10Bob,
You are right, they HAVE to believe, their only alternative is to join Cindy Sheehan.
cooper
November 7, 2005 at 12:10 am
11United States Air Force
Official Press Release
Col. Deborah Harris
Chief Communications Liaison
06-11-2005
20:00 Hr.
Thule Air Force Base,
Thule, Greenland
The 821st Air Base Group and Team Thule welcomed its most recent dignitary, who arrived tonight during the height of an unusually strong whiteout and Force 3 Winter Storm, which has been raking its way up Greenland’s western coast. The DC 9 from Baltimore-Washington Airport did 3 Flybys and 4 aborted landings before finally making a desperate landing and sliding off the end of the ice glazed runway. No major injuries were reported. Since the landing ramp could not be properly positioned and the inflatable emergency slide crystallized and shattered in the cold while being inflated, passengers were disembarked two at a time by straddling the tines of a fork lift, which lowered them down to the ice. A rousing rendition of “Welcome to Thule” by the FlyBoys’ Barbershop Quartet blared over the loudspeakers and seemed to quicken the step of the new arrivals.
The most recent dignitary? – Why, none other than Michael Brown, former Head of FEMA and Commissioner of the International Arabian Horse Association. He has been personally assigned by Vice President Richard Cheney to the new “Nothing’s Fucking Wrong with the Arctic Climate and Mike’s Going to be Spending the Next God-Damned Year in Uummanaq Fjord All by Himself to Prove It Survey”.
Thule Air Force Base is thrilled to be the recipient of this latest grant and honored to be recognized by the Vice President as the perfect environment to carry out this important research. Often underestimated because of its severe weather and its location 750 miles north of the Arctic Circle, Thule has a proud history during the Cold War with the Soviet Union of leading the vanguard….
hedera
November 7, 2005 at 1:33 am
12Bravo, cooper! Bravo!
ice weasel
November 7, 2005 at 9:05 am
13Here, here. Very good cooper. Now, how do we go about making this happen in real life?
nigel
November 7, 2005 at 1:18 pm
14“Our country is at war and our government has the obligation to protect the American people,” Bush said. “Any activity we conduct is within the law. We do not torture.” –GW, quoted by the AP in CNN
I nominate this as the greatest example of doublespeak since 1984. Actually it’s not really doublespeak, just another example of the Shrub team rewriting the english language to suit their ends (and accommodate their limited vocabularies).
With bon mots like that, the Elephants better rethink their choice of a coach, or Prominent POWs like McCain are going to become free agents. I mean, translated into any language, that pretty much comes out as “I am your father, and you got a whippin’ coming if you don’t mind, boy”.
It’s as though the collapse of the Soviet bloc left a vacuum of meanness and cynicism (and some disused “intelligence gathering facilities”) that bored CIA operatives and sadistic soldiers are effortlessly filling.
‘Brig. Gen. Rick Baccus was removed as Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, commander in 2002 for refusing to use tougher interrogation tactics, a PBS documentary suggests…
“Those people (commanders) are the ones who need to be publicly charged. I don’t know how high it needs to go,” Baccus told the newspaper.” ‘–UPI
It started right at the top.
Pete IVDL
November 9, 2005 at 12:58 am
15Coop, you missed your calling, dude. If Cheney didn’t say something like that, he sure as fozen shit thought it!
Auros
November 10, 2005 at 2:53 pm
16I’d change your “Nixonians” to “Andersonians”. Nixon was a member of that camp, but he was also a paranoid schizophrenic, and it’s unfair to tar the fiscal-conservative branch of the GOP with his scandal. The GOP’s descent from being people one could disagree with but still respect, into total madness, began when they chose Reagan over Anderson. And I’m not persuaded that McCain would be able to lead them back to sanity. If he was picked, he’d probably win, but then to govern he’d have to concede a lot (both in terms of cabinet picks and legislation) to the nuts in his own party.
David
November 11, 2005 at 9:27 pm
17G’damm, Cooper,
You truly have the gift. Thanks for a desperately needed gut-level grunt-laugh.