In the coming weeks there’s going to be a lot of confusing talk out there about the nomination of Judge Samuel A. Alito Jr. for the Supreme Court. There will be a lot of disinformation, misreadings, and obfuscation. The left will paint him as a loony, the right will paint him as the actual author of the Constitution, and the clamor will be almost deafening as the two machines gear up to convince the American people of their interpretation of Alito’s interpretation of the founders’ interpretation of the rights of man.

But fortunately for you, you’ve got me. I’m a legal scholar who won’t be limited by the boundries of political bickering or so-called “actual” “public record.” I don’t kow-tow to fashionable opinions about what you can and can’t print or bow down to so-called “journalistic standards” with their reactionary bias against “making stuff up.” I get at the truth, and sometimes the truth is neither pretty nor strictly “true.”

So let’s get to it. Here’s what you probably want to know.

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Q: Is Judge Alito a mainstream conservative judge in the mold of Sandra Day O’Connor?
A: Yes and no. The “yes” part covers “conservative” and “judge.” And possibly “mold.”

Q: I read his nickname is “Scalito.” What does this mean?
A: It’s nasty, partisan monicker that references some of Judge Alito’s dermatological challenges.

Q: Where does he stand on human rights?
A: Surprisingly, Alito often comes down on the side of the individual. For example, while on the Third Circuit, Alito helmed a groundbreaking decision in U.S. v. Mikey. He ruled that the government had participated in an unlawful search and seizure without properly Mirandizing the accused.

Q: So he leans to the left on issues of personal liberty?
A: Well, sort of. “Mikey” was actually a two week-old zygote. After Alito’s ruling, Mikey was “reinstated” to the womb he’d been evicted from, and his landlord was jailed.

Q: That sounds like a death knell for Roe v. Wade.
A: No, no, not at all. Just the “Roe” part.

Q: But how does this “individual liberty” square with what I read - that he vehemently argued that women should be required to notify their husbands before getting an abortion…
A: Good question. You have to understand that that case reflects his deep feelings about eminent domain.

Q: Eminent domain?
A: Yes, it’s completely mainstream, in line with the recent Supreme Court decision. Alito feels that private property may be acquired by the government when such an act is clearly for the public good.

Q: And in this case the property in question refers to a uterus?
A: No, no, of course not.

Q: Whew!
A: It refers to an entire reproductive system and “related biological support systems.”

Q: Okayyyyy. I read that he once dissented with the upholding of a law banning the personal possession of machine guns, saying that there was no direct evidence that the ownership of such weapons increased crime.
A: Yes, he did.

Q: Wouldn’t the same formula apply to the personal possession of nuclear weapons?
A: You know, we have an old saying that applies to silly leftist arguments like that.

Q: Does it end with “…only outlaws will have nukes?”
A: Uh… yeah. Pretty much.

Q: I’ve read that Alito is an “activist judge” who consistently “legislates from the bench.”
A: Nothing could be further from the truth.

Q: But doesn’t he have a history of overturning legislation and redefining the law to fit in with his own ideology?
A: Yes, of course.

Q: Isn’t that being an “activist judge” who “legislates from the bench?”
A: No.

Q: Why not?
A: He’s a conservative. Being an “activist judge” and “legislating from the bench” is something only liberals can do.

Q: But isn’t that -
A: Look, the only times Alito has ruled in those ways was when he had to, usually because activist congressmen were seeking to legislate from the legislature.

Q: But isn’t that-
A: You hate Italian-Americans, don’t you?

Q: No, I-
A: This is nothing but a high-tech lynching.

Q: I just want to -
A: Won’t be satisfied until you bring down America, will you?

Q: Well… yeah.
A: Thought so. Nice try.

Q: Hee hee! Thanks.
A: Anything else?

Q: Naw… you caught me. Have a good one.
A: You too.