My latest adventure in TV land will end next Friday, at which point you can expect more frequent pontifications and cheap shots around here. Lucky, lucky you.
Here’s what I can tell you about what I’ve been doing. It’s a new late night television show for a major network. We’re making six “test shows” which may or may not air. And it is, I think, bizarrely, ridiculously funny. Of course I’ll let you all know if the Gods of the Network decide to let this thing see the light of day. You can help by making the appropriate sacrifices to Them. So… fix up an altar with some spring water and a Lexus and an attractive gang of 19 year-olds who don’t completely lack acting ability. That might work.
Fanny Roborat
26 comments
cooper
October 1, 2005 at 6:25 pm
1As far as sacrifices to the Gods of the Networks, how about the still beating heart of a certain ex-House Majority leader… Oh and to sweeten the pot, mayhaps throwing in the pineal gland of the soon-to-be-ex Chief of Staff of the Vice President of the United States of America. Dr. Hunter S. Thompson (may he rest in peace) used to swear that biting into a freshly harvested pineal gland was the greatest high of all. The Network Execs (sharks and vampires, each and every one) should appreciate that.
Murray
October 1, 2005 at 10:21 pm
2whoah! I was just going to say good luck.
gee… freshly harvested Pineal glands, I don’t know about that.
littlebit
October 1, 2005 at 10:23 pm
3Altar, schmalter — your talent will carry the day.
Waving the Sweetgrass for your success, Adam.
cooper
October 2, 2005 at 10:09 am
4Murray, perhaps I was a bit rash before. I have since managed to get that pesky power steering pump out of my wife’s car & install the new pump with no leaks or belt squeals, so I’m in a better humor now. Plus I’ve had a good night’s sleep.
It’s morning in America and I’m feeling kinder and gentler and more compassionate… so why don’t we just forget about the pineal gland; Duke tended to push the envelope of good taste, as a matter of habit. The still beating heart continues to be appealing, though.
Pete IVDL
October 2, 2005 at 5:38 pm
5Yeah! More pontificating! More cheap shots! We miss all that -sob- (well, we miss all that from Adam).
You could do away with the altars and Lexii by just having sex with all the network execs, you know. A bit of eye shadow, a smidge of lippy, a nice frock, you could get the show on prime time!
Cooper, I was going to suggest a shark’s heart (since they can continue beating for many minutes outside the shark), but then I thought, Naaah, it’d be cannibalism. Or professional courtesy.
Remember Douglas Adams’ admonition about the MaxiMegalon Publishing Corporation of Ursa Minor - come the revolution, the network execs will be first to be lined up against the wall and shot.
Murray
October 2, 2005 at 6:09 pm
6Cooper, OK, now we are on the same page.
cooper
October 2, 2005 at 6:56 pm
7No Pete, “The first thing we do is kill all the lawyers” W. Shakespeare. Network execs will have to get in line. By the way, Happy Spring, Mate!
Pete IVDL
October 2, 2005 at 7:09 pm
8Oh, so many choices, so little time. I think we could trawl the FA archives and come up with a quite respectable list of Potential Shootees - lawyers (not all lawyers, just the breathing ones), poll-aticians, fundies, Ann Coulter, oh, the list could go on forever. (I’m last, by the way)
cooper
October 2, 2005 at 7:14 pm
9Adam, good luck with the series. In your brainstorming sessions with the big wigs, keep inserting phrases like “sweet Jesus, please no laff tracks” or “laugh tracks suck canal water”. They do, you know, clinically proven by real scientists. Really.
Pete IVDL
October 2, 2005 at 7:34 pm
10cooper, you’re right. Everyone knows the best episodes of MASH were the ones without the laugh tracks. The only complaints were from people who had to have humo(u)r explained to them in small words and short sentences. Hey, maybe that’s the target demographic for Dubya. He uses little words in short sentences. Or is that so his brain won’t overheat? I can never remember.
BTW, thanks for the Spring wishes. It’s been Spring down here for 1 month and 2 days, and the first blowflies (or “dunny budgies” as we call ‘em) have arrived. Whee.
cooper
October 2, 2005 at 8:36 pm
11Yup, I know just what you mean. We got the last one of the season (we hope) buzzing around inside our house right now.
Mary
October 3, 2005 at 9:57 am
12Adam- break a leg; step in sh*t, and all those other theatrical superstitions.
I’m willing to sacrifice some plnakton to the Great Lobster
Pete IVDL
October 3, 2005 at 6:16 pm
13Mary - “step in sh!t”? Although I’m not a thespian (at least, not the last time I checked), I must admit that I haven’t heard that particular superstition mentioned in that particular context before. Are there any others Adam should know about before he bites the proverbial bullet?
Mmmmmm… plaaaaanktonnnnnn….
cooper
October 3, 2005 at 10:15 pm
14Pete, not to be constantly harping on this, but I’ve noticed your keyboard has betrayed you again. “step in sh!t”?. It appears some of your “i”’s are upside-down. Now, is that some inscrutable Brit influence again, or is that because you’re in the Southern Hemisphere, and therefore inverted? Just curious.
Murray
October 3, 2005 at 10:22 pm
15Uhh,,, Slice a spleen, crack a clavicle, snap a spine, wreck a Radius, F**k a Femur, foot and finger, Trash a tibia, toe and tongue, obliterate an Ulna, ocular nerve and cilium, hork a Humorous, smash a Sternum, screw a skull, negate a neck, sacrifice a Scapula, heave a heart, blow a brain, crush a Colin, loose a lung, hash a hand, and shit; just step on the third rail while poking your finger in a light socket.
(Is there anything I missed to wish you luck while asking for disaster to strike)?
Mike
October 4, 2005 at 2:01 am
16Adam, if there is one thing I learned in the slammer, it’s that a little skittles makeup can go a long way toward getting what you want..
Oh.. Crap… Uhm, just joking.. Yea.
tess
October 4, 2005 at 3:08 am
17Well, can we just offer up Henriette Meir as a sacrifice on the alter? Wait, we should use Robert Brown — he’s look better in a loin cloth before having what’s left of his heart gouged out.
cooper
October 4, 2005 at 6:55 am
18Murray, “obliterate a cilium”? Look, I know this is a humor blog, but I think you’ve gone far beyond the pale here. Really!!!
Pete IVDL
October 4, 2005 at 10:48 am
19Cooper, you’re a bad, bad man. You make fun of my keyboard all the time. Now the keys are depressed (all detime
I wuz jus’ usin’ the pling (or bang, if you prefer) in response to Mary, so I wouldn’t have to spell ’shit’ and risk offending someone… oh. Too late. Good spotting the ‘upside-downness’ of the pling, though. Waaay too much time on yer hands, mate. Way too much.
Murray, there won’t be an awful lot Adam will be able to do, should the show be (Lobster forfend) less than spectacularly, scintillatingly vivacious. Well, maybe he could mumble stuff into a dictation machine (assuming he hasn’t mangled his mandible, or squashed his scrotum), or even just leave an open thread! Oh, wait, I just saw the title of the next thread… TELL US IT AIN’T SOOOOOO!
ginny
October 4, 2005 at 11:50 pm
20Regarding that shrine thing - how about a Lava ™ light and a half-empty can of Sprite? That oughtta do it.
cooper
October 6, 2005 at 7:40 am
21ginny, seems like a fitting offering, but hows ’bout we had 3 or 4 cigarette butts to the Sprite can?
Lily
October 6, 2005 at 10:22 am
22Anybody else watch The Amazing Race?
This time it’s a family edition, and one team is an evangelical Christian family from Louisiana. In the first episode, Dad announced that unlike the other teams, there would be no discussion of options…as Patriarch he’d been ordained by God to lead the family, and that was that.
So this week, after navigating out of Washington DC, this divinely-inspired Patriarch steadfastly led his family down the wrong way on Highway 30 (over the teenaged son’s protests) thereby dropping them from 4th to last place and ultimately, elimination.
Sounds eerily familiar, doesn’t it? Will any other Christian Patriarchs get God’s message from this?
;-) Lily
Allison in Santa Cruz
October 6, 2005 at 2:22 pm
23Lily — I don’t watch “The Amazing Race” so thanks for the story. Gotta love the irony, and did they show the dad’s reaction when his divine inspiration got them eliminated from the show?
Don’t hold your breath for the other Christian Patriarchs to get wise on this, because OBVIOUSLY this guy on TV was mistaken about God’s intent. It’s like high school football in Texas where both teams pray before the games. Each team is convinced that God is on their side, but each game has a winner and a loser. So now God isn’t with the team that lost?
Nick
October 7, 2005 at 8:26 am
24Nice blog.I like this.
Nick
http://www.yahoo.com
Frank Johnson
January 16, 2006 at 5:48 am
25Good Service
Frank Johnson
January 18, 2006 at 2:04 am
26None