It had to happen at some point. There’s clearly a need for a New Message from the Bush administration, or at least a fine-tuning of an old one - the war isn’t playing well across the country, so why not use the cover of a gigantic and destrcutive hurricane to try out a new approach? And why not leverage all that anxiety over gas prices? Our president is doing just that:
If Zarqawi and bin Laden gain control of Iraq, they would create a new training ground for future terrorist attacks; they’d seize oil fields to fund their ambitions; they could recruit more terrorists by claiming an historic victory over the United States and our coalition.
That’s the future, kids, if we don’t straighten up and support the war. The incredibly popular Iraqi politician/warriors Zarqawi and bin Laden will inevitably gain control of the entire country, take over the oilfields, and become an economic superpower terrorist-training death machine. And you think gas prices are high now! Just you wait until you have to fill up at a BinLadenCo station! And you won’t find any beer or the latest Maxim at his minimart, oh no, just Korans and pita crisps. Is that what you want? IS IT!?
For you Doubting Thomases who wonder how al Qaeda is going to take over, reorganize, and govern a multiethnic, undefendable and monstrously large and factionalized country, rebuild the infrastructure, and start selling their oil to buyers worldwide, who wonder how they’re going to manage this when we can’t, youre clearly out of the loop. Those al Qaeda thugs are masters of terrorist bureaucracy, terrorist business administration, and terrorist commercial development.
Just look at the well-governed economic and military juggernaiut that was Afghanistan.
I’m not sure if this new “Why We’re Fighting” approach is going to fly any better than the last few (which flew pretty much like bricks with wings, it seems). But you have to applaud the effort.





23 comments
otto_update
August 31, 2005 at 4:17 pm
1And when Bush pulls up for a refill at BinLadenCo hilarity ensues: http://www.cnn.com/2005/POLITICS/08/24/bush.gas.guzzlers.ap/
Allison in Santa Cruz (biology geek)
August 31, 2005 at 4:29 pm
2I dunno, it sounds pretty desperate to me. Almost like Bush&Co are painting themselves in to a corner. We got into this war because of, at best, misunderstanding of faulty/incomplete intelligence or, at worst, outright lies. To say now that we have to support the war to keep bin Laden and Zarqawi from playing their games in the mess we made in the first place? Of course, he has to keep coming up with justifications for continuing this war because the American people want one, dammit! He’ll just keep pulling ‘em out of thin air (or somewhere else) until he finds the one that sticks.
It reminds of me Munchausen-by-proxy syndrome, in which patients (usually women) exaggerate or actually induce dangerous health conditions in others (often their children) to draw attention to themselves as the perfect caretakers. Any attention is good attention, right?
Bob
August 31, 2005 at 4:40 pm
3Another 30 or 40 rationalizations like this, and people are going to start thinking our president is a simpleton. Next up: The dog ate my exit strategy.
ice weasel
August 31, 2005 at 5:48 pm
4I’m not even sure why he bothers. His followers could care less. Any chance to “smite the ragheads” is enough for most of them. And the people who don’t support bushco have, most likely, never bought into any of his bullshit stories. So who are all these irrationalizations for? It’s that “swing voter” group. I think we’re pretty much proven they’ll buy into whatever convenient excuse they want. Most of them still likely think we’re looking for “mobile weapons labs”.
Mojo
August 31, 2005 at 5:57 pm
5Those al Qaeda thugs are masters of terrorist bureaucracy
Are you proposing putting them in charge of the Department of Homeland Security? Granted, they work cheap and they’d probably know when attacks were coming so they could adjust the color levels appropriately, but there must be a downside to the idea.
Pete IVDL
August 31, 2005 at 6:44 pm
6BUSH IS A BASTARD. HE’S TURNED THE PUPPIES INTO BRICKS! Just another black mark against the little twerp. (Anyway, bricks fly just fine. It’s the landing that hurts.)
I get a sneaking suspicion that Al-Quaeda might just give the oil away, since they based their cash economy in the juggernait (or jabberwocky, or whatever, you try spelling ‘au’ words with a surname like mine) of Afghanistan on lovely, gentle, peaceful flowers. Poppies, I think. (I wonder if they had a “Buy a gram for Osama” day?)
Mr_Blog
August 31, 2005 at 7:14 pm
7I guess you missed these other things from Dubya’s statement:
“I’m so angry at the ter’rists, I could barely bring myself to sign the documents authorizing the sale of Iraq oil fields to BinLadenCo.”
“I will personally donate to flood relief 1% of the dividends of the Chevron stock in my blind trust. Uh oh.”
“Halliburton has the contract to build terrorist training camps? I’ll put Patrick Fizgerald on that right away.”
“Have you seen Maxim this month?”
Murray
August 31, 2005 at 9:14 pm
8Maybe is would be a good thing for Zarqawi and bin Ladin to take over in Iraq. Then when the electric, water, and sewage don’t work, it’s that damn Al Qaeda’s fault. When the country goes into its inevitable civil war, they can blame the carnage on Osama.
This toilet is in the process of being flushed, any chance to switch places with our enemies would be a good choice.
Murray
August 31, 2005 at 9:15 pm
9Maybe IT would
sorry
Emmarie
August 31, 2005 at 9:20 pm
10Mojo/Murray, that’s kind of what I was thinking. If the administration really thinks the terrorists can do this, why don’t they hire them? Or at least start thinking like the terrorists?
Pita chips at gas stations sound really tasty.
dee
August 31, 2005 at 9:22 pm
11Well, at least we’re finally scraping through the layers of bullshit and admitting we went to war for oil. But it’s not that we were afraid that those pesky Muslims would manage to pull off the infrastructure needed to manage the supply, since it’s been pretty obvious they couldn’t organize a two-car funeral.
No, children, we were determined to keep this resource in the hands of Halliburton and out of the hands of the Chinese.
cooper
August 31, 2005 at 9:42 pm
12Adam,-thanks-for-the-link-to-the-President’s-speech;-I-am-now-a-true-b eliever.
Just kidding. Hey, how about that picture of Laura with the fawning, doting, adoring look on her face as she hangs on every word of our President’s speech. Look, I’ve been married 21 years and I know for a fact that no woman who’s been with the same guy for oh, I don’t know maybe five days, harbors any illusion that the guy is anything but dumb as a sack of hammers. Laura must be on the happy drugs again. Dammit! Just say no, Laura!
BTW, the radio stations here in the Queen City (1/2 million people) are saying there will be no more gasoline deliveries until next week. All the gas stations have lines snaking around their lot and backing up onto the city streets. The price went from $2.99 to $3.29/gallon in several increments over 3 hours this afternoon. Some stations are out of gas and closed by late afternoon. Good thing Bush has cut short his vacation and taken charge of the situation.
historyenne
September 1, 2005 at 2:11 am
13Allison in Santa Cruz, I like your point about Muchausen-by-proxy. Oil and defeating daddy’s nemesis aside, I still think that the main reason Bush took us to war is so he could call himself a war president. It’s also rather like a reverse-scenario of The Mouse that Roared (I’m a film and literature geek, not a science one).
Turd Blossom
September 1, 2005 at 8:58 am
14It is a miracle (Thank Lobster) that Saddam hadn’t taken over the civilized world given that he had the oil fields to fund his ambitions.
BTW, Adam, do you have anything to do with the terrorist sitcom being pitched in Hollywood?
Lily
September 1, 2005 at 9:50 am
15I am so glad that at a time like this, Bush can focus on what’s really important to Americans: the price of gas. Last night after watching hours of the horrible tragedy unfolding in America’s Third World, the lead story on our local news was some slob whining he’d just paid $100 to fill the tank of his $50,000 SUV. Followed by a story of how state Republicans are calling for a gas tax moratorium to “ease the pain.” (Of course, they have not explained what the highway department would do for funds.)
Oh yes, we are all suffering together.
Mary
September 1, 2005 at 10:07 am
16Lily- Yep. The opening of the oil reserves sure warmed my heart. Bet the folks in Nawlens are relieved. Too bad it is the refineries that produce the gas that aren’t functioning- not the oil fields. (DOH!)
Wouldn’t it be nice if we had all of those reservists presently in Iraq home to help with the destruction of Katrina? I know, I’m just a dreamer.
Jason
September 1, 2005 at 10:48 am
17Mary, you’re not the only one.
Jason
September 1, 2005 at 10:48 am
18When my bought my car 4 years ago, I told my Republican friends that fuel efficiency was the 2nd most important factor(1st-reliability). They all laughed at me. Now I laugh at them when they’re spending $60/week on gas and I spend $25 every other week. HA!
Kim
September 1, 2005 at 12:10 pm
19historyenne, a nice allusion to The Mouse that Roared. I’m thinking Dubya may have seen Wag the Dog and thought it was a documentary.
Emmarie, you asked, “If the administration really thinks the terrorists can do this, why don’t they hire them?” I think the answer is that the employment agreement is already set up in the other direction. Oh and another vote for pita chips in gas stations! Is asking for hummus going too far?
Vinft
September 1, 2005 at 12:36 pm
20I dimly recall an episode of “Get Smart” where Kaos was using a weather machine to put the Free World in a deep freeze. The obvious question ought to be whether Al Quaida got their hands on one of these weather machines (the CIA swears they have irrefutable proof of attempts to acquire global weather manipulation technology), allowing them to brew up Katrina? Now that I think of it, I’m SURE this is what happened. Only by staying the course in Iraq can we hope to prevent further terrorist hurricanes.
MikeP
September 1, 2005 at 4:47 pm
21The current estimates to clean up after Katrina are around $26 billion. According to http://costofwar.com we’ve spent over $191 billion in Iraq. A coworker pointed at lunch today that if we simply write off New Orleans, we could use that money to extend the war in Iraq for an extra month!
Wait till the president figures that out.
Hot Tub Tommy
September 1, 2005 at 6:16 pm
22George W. Bush is not catching any breaks these days! For God’s sake, he can’t think of everything! Well, for example in his speech today he asked “Who would have thought the levies would break?”. Who indeed? Only three - okay - maybe 137,568, civil engineers, hydrologists and environmentalists, but remember, they based their opinions on iffy, suspect “scientific principles”. Mr. Bush relies much more upon faith based intuitive analysis and feeling the knots on Karl Rove’s head to arrive at his conclusions. Since Our President couldn’t forsee the levies breaking, he heroicly took the money allocated in this fiscal year for improving the levies around New Orleans (whatever that means to the touchy/feely, limp wristed, pinko fag liberals out there, hiding under rocks) and dumped it in with all the other funds for Homeland Security, as any Patriotic God Fearing American would.
Anybody not standing with the President on this one, reveals him or herself to be the treasonous jackyls that they are. And you can tell them Tom Delay says so, by the God in Heaven, who looks down upon all who stray from the flock and smites the Bejesus out of them with bolts of lightning, boils and pestilence! Amen, over and out!
Jeff
September 6, 2005 at 1:22 pm
23I have a radical idea! How about beginning the process of switching us away from an oil dependant economy? Then who gives a poop what happens to the oil fields. How about ethanol - we can spend the money from corn subsidies to upgrade our infrastructure. Of course everyone will smell like a deep-fryer, but what great american doesn’t!
Or am I just gone crazy.