SALT LAKE CITY (Reuters) - President George W. Bush on Monday said the development of an Iraqi constitution would be a landmark event both for that country and for the Middle East and said he believed the final document would reflect Iraqi values…
…Iraq’s ruling Shi’ite Islamists are preparing to force a constitution through parliament before a midnight Monday deadline but minority Sunnis have vowed to vote it down in a referendum and warned of civil war.
Critics have accused Shi’ite Islamists who dominate the interim government and parliament of planning to impose clerical rule in the style of neighboring Shi’ite Iran…
…Kurds have complained that U.S. diplomats, who have insisted that women and minorities should enjoy equal rights, had conceded ground to the Islamists in order to meet Monday’s deadline for passing a draft constitution in the legislature.
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We the People of the Islamic Republic of Iraq, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, provided that they are male, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the Totally Islamic and Heavily Shi’ite-leaning Republic of Iraq.
Article. I.
Section 1.
All legislative Powers herein granted shall be vested in a Congress of Iraq, which shall consist of a Shi’ite Senate and House of Kurds. Oh yeah, and a “Sunni Shack.”
Section. 2.
The House of Kurds shall be composed of Members chosen every second Year by the People of the several States. It should be noted herein that the Sunnis don’t get a House, are totally lame, and don’t even have the power to excise this clause.
Section. 3.
Clause 1: The Shi’ite Senate of Iraq shall be composed of two Senators from each State, chosen by the Legislature thereof, for six Years; and each Senator shall have one Vote. Sunnis don’t get to choose jack shit. You can’t put that in. Why not? Hee hee, okay, just leave it.
Clause 2: The Senate gets to choose what to do with all the oil money.
Section. 4.
The Sunni Shack will serve at the pleasure of the two Higher Houses, and they shall be in charge of the Management of Public Wastes, Having ‘Congress’ With Farm Animals, and Licking Our Balls.
Article. II.
Section. 1.
Clause 1: The Times, Places and Manner of holding Elections for Senators and Kurdies, shall be prescribed in each State by the Legislature thereof. The first Sunni to make it through the Electoral Proving Grounds Minefield shall serve as Representative for his District.
Clause 2: Any Iraqi citizen is eligible for election to any of the three Houses, provided that he or she has citizenship papers, residence inside of Iraq, and a penis.
Clause 3: Not sure where this goes, but did we mention the part about Sunnis licking our balls? lol! You’re SO bad… Do we take this out later? Why? What are they gonna do? Leave it in…
[etc.]
Fanny Roborat
25 comments
Tiffany
August 22, 2005 at 5:14 pm
1I have to tell you…..I had nothing but glee in my heart when I saw the anti-war demonstrators roaming freely in SLC this afternoon.
And if you need any further proof that Bush really can screw up anything, there were terrible traffic jams along the paths that the Bush motorcade took from location to location. Simply by being in town, he brought the noon traffic to a standstill. Way to go.
Bob
August 22, 2005 at 5:24 pm
2They left out the Kurds and Ways and Means Committee? Bummer.
ice weasel
August 22, 2005 at 6:15 pm
3This can’t be legit. I read the document you posted twice and nowhere did I see the “wimmen don’t get to shit about anything” clause.
dee
August 22, 2005 at 7:55 pm
4In honor or this new constitution, I hereby invent a new cocktail:The Purple Finger. It’s a mix of oil, blood and creme de Shari’a.
cooper
August 22, 2005 at 8:20 pm
5Article. III
Section. One.
It is decreed that on all future state visits, Scooter Libby may no longer pump Iraqi crude into his Whamo Slip n’ Slide, drop trou, and slide naked with the local Iraqi boys. This is, and shall ever be, against Islamic law (plus, it’s hard to watch).
Josh
August 22, 2005 at 8:31 pm
6Oh sure, why not? Trivializing a significant minority by power plays and rhetoric is as republican^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^HAmerican as you can get. We do want them to have an American-like system of democtatorship, right?
Pete IVDL
August 22, 2005 at 9:42 pm
7In a copy of the Iraqstitution Version 1.1 that fell through a wormhole:
Article II
Section 1
Clause 3: The aforesaid penis must be permanently attached to the aforesaid Iraqi citizen. Glue, duct tape, or velcro is not acceptable to Allah. Strapons look terrible under a burkha, so don’t even think about it.
(Yeah, I know burkhas aren’t that popular in Iraq. It’s just the image…)
tash
August 22, 2005 at 10:07 pm
8good catch, Pete - I was wondering if a little “Bobbitt” action might make it through the loophole of that clause II,1,2…
dee
August 22, 2005 at 10:39 pm
9Yeah, I know burkhas aren’t that popular in Iraq
Give it a month or two.
Ken the Llama
August 22, 2005 at 11:08 pm
10Bob! the kurds and ways and means is *brilliant*! thank you =)
tess
August 22, 2005 at 11:19 pm
11So wait, they’re going to turn all the Sunnis into eunach pleasure boys?
Mary
August 23, 2005 at 11:19 am
12Actaully folks, that would be “…under a chador.” The burqa only covers the face. Which makes for an even funnier mental image.
So the ‘new’ Iraqi Republic would consist of a Kurdish state, several Shi’ite states and a Su’uni “unincorporated organized territory”. Sort of the Puerto Rico of the Middle East. Seems pretty American to me.
David
August 23, 2005 at 12:35 pm
13Re-erect Saddam now?
Ms. Muffet (the commenter formerly known as Steve
August 23, 2005 at 12:58 pm
14I don’t know about anyone else but I’m personally very pleased with this draft Constitution.
I think it’s time that the Kurds got their way.
madbard
August 23, 2005 at 2:19 pm
15*Shiite* Has Microsoft taught us nothing? NEVER rely on version one point oh. Wait for the bug-patch. And always walk on the Sunni side of the street.
Can we merge Wisconsin and Iraq to get cheese Kurds?
Mike Z
August 23, 2005 at 6:49 pm
16–Off Topic–
I hope everyone saw that Imam Robertson has issued a fatwa against Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez.
http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/08/23/robertson.chavez/index.html
The best part is that he says he’s afraid of “communist infiltration” coming from Venezuela. What about the Huns and the Visigoths? They’re at least as fearsome these days as the communist hordes.
Ann
August 23, 2005 at 7:14 pm
17“Communist infiltration AND Muslim extremism”! Yes, those two go together like…like…well comparisons fail me, but I’m pretty sure those two don’t go together.
Pete IVDL
August 23, 2005 at 8:34 pm
18Mary, thanks for the catch. I hate it when I try to be clever but end up bein stoopid. (I hate it even more when I’m not, but still end up the same…)
Ann - how about “like global warming and intelligence”?
Ms. Muffett, be careful what you wish for… Personally, I agree, it’s “whey” past time they had their own state; but given the number of other states keeping Kurds as punching bags (Turkey springs immediately to mind, I’m sure there are others but my world map is at least 25 years old and therefore wrong!), it’s gonna be Israel all over again. Not fair, but at least they’re almost getting a constitutional acknowledgement. Almost.
Murray
August 23, 2005 at 9:29 pm
19Bush being the great Uniter not Divider, having done such a stellar job of uniting a country whose people see them selves as Americans first, should have no problem getting factions that would sooner slaughter each other, and salt the fields than join them, to live in freedom and harmony. Go to it W!
Pat Roberts.
Back when I was a Christian I always felt that the Bible was supposed to constrain the murderous impulses of the believers. I always felt hemmed in.
Wow! Pat’s God allows outright murder, and for no other reason than he just doesn’t like the guy! This is GREAT! I’m joining Pat’s Church right away! This is a God who will condone any vice, any crime, any kind of hatred I can come up with. Who knew religion could be so liberating?
Deno
August 24, 2005 at 1:41 am
20Once again, you are all more cleaver than me and faster with the comments. I will add that this constitution is a joke, most of the Sunni Iraqis have no voice and won’t. It ain’t gonna end well, that’s for sure.
Mary
August 24, 2005 at 10:01 am
21Sadly Deno, oil wells that end wails.
ice weasel
August 24, 2005 at 12:23 pm
22Hey, talk about expanding relations in the middle east, we finally see eye to eye woth Iran. It turns out that what our dear leader said about the Iraqi and what the Irani leadership has said about is just about the same thing. They both love it.
Finally, we have consensus!
Hot Tub Tommy
August 24, 2005 at 6:05 pm
23Personally, I think Pat Robertson has lived a stellar Christian life and that God owes Pat alot for his hard slog through the years - suffering the abuse of infidels and having to wear a suit and tie every day of his adult life! Why doesn’t Pat just call in some of God’s markers, make God smite Hugo Chavez and be done with it? Why not a heart attack? Chavez is fat; it would be believable. Communism and Islamic extremist would be foiled and no blowback to Pat or God.
ice weasel
August 25, 2005 at 11:55 pm
24I think I need one of Dee’s cocktails…
Mark from Ireland
August 29, 2005 at 4:45 pm
25Many a true word spoken in jest.