Some of you have been asking why I haven’t posted anything about Cindy Sheehan. After all, everybody else is doing it - don’t I wanna be cool and fit in? Come on, you say, try it just once. One time won’t kill you…

Oh, okay. Just once. I’ll at least explain why I’ve been holding my tongue (which is a practice that I wouldn’t recommend for obvious sanitary reasons). To me, it’s a little too complicated for a screed that can be summed up in a sentence (like Ann Coulter’s touching “Hey I Lose Sons In Poorly Planned Wars All The Time But You Don’t Catch Me Whining About It Because I Love My Counrty And Liberals Don’t.” It’s really a must-read, featuring one of the goofiest straw men since Ray Bolger). The whole thing has made idiots out of most of our politicians and fourth estate. Let me explain why everyone besides me is dead wrong on Sheehan:

The Liberals. The left isn’t terrific at finding living representatives of Just Causes who tug at the heartstrings of America. It’s a booming industry in the conservative world, which seems to find a Terri Schiavo or a Noble Judge or an Evil Judge every time they need to hold a fundraiser. But liberals just don’t find such cases all that often, which is why there’s been a massive bandwagon that has attached itself to Sheehan. The bandwagon has done a lot of steering too, shouting directions from the back seat. That’s why supporters of Sheehan and her cause find themselves in the uncomfortable position of not only having to equate President Bush with Hitler, but having to join Hamas and clamor for the distribution of free Mumia for all. There are so few parades in the liberal world, so everyone’s marching in this one. Part of the problem here is that Sheehan herself is a somewhat imperfect messenger who attracts lots of questionable support, not unlike Terri Schiavo’s family and their menagerie of quacks and loonies.

The Conservatives
. For the first time in recent memory, the conservative attack machine seems a little creaky here. The rush to discredit any liberal whose statements make the front section of the paper is usually pretty effective, but finding Contradictions and Hypocrisies isn’t as effective a ploy when your target is a bereaved mom. Sheehan wasn’t a public figure until a few weeks ago, so her voting record doesn’t really apply. Complaining that she’s changed her tune since her son’s head was freshly blown off seems a mite… ungenerous. Further hampering our friends to the right is a fact that has aided them countless time and now returns to bite them on the ass: Americans don’t look too deeply into things. Cindy’s son was killed, and she’s mad. That’s the story, thanks for telling us, now please excuse us, we’re gonna drive down to BJ’s and buy a sixty-year supply of Beefaroni at a great discount.

Cindy. We went to war with Iraq under false pretenses, there was no real al Qaeda connection, and the planning was extremely poor. That’s a message. Regrettably, Mrs. Sheehan’s message now includes calling the President a terrorist, clamoring to end the Israeli occupation of Palestine, and lecturing about the evils of the entire history of the United States of America. That’s a bit of a challenge for those of us who want to say, “Hey, that Iraq thing was a mistake, you idiots. Can we get back to fighting actual Terror?” Also, Sheehan’s complaints about our bloody past ignore the maxim that most serious scholars employ when examining all of world history: “Given the chance, people tend to really, really suck.” America’s got a few black eyes, to be sure, but so does… everyone. Those black eyes are the reason for another serious scholarly maxim - “Historically, nations resemble raccoons.”

President Bush. Yeah, saying that he’s got to “get on with his life” and going for a bike ride was a pretty tone-deaf maneuver, because there’s reason to believe that there may be a couple hundred thousand Americans in Iraq who’d like to get on with their lives as well. But it’s worse than that. Bush is taking a fresh approach. He’s not going to make the mistakes of Vietnam, oh no, not him. To ensure this, the President avoids funerals, protestors, and specific projections. His administration keeps the video cameras away from the wounded and dead so that the evening news doesn’t turn the tide again. The irony here is that all this is making him repeat the worst mistake of both Nixon and Johnson - he seems out of touch. It’s a fresh, new kind of Out Of Touch, though, because the world was mercifully spared too many images of Nixon on a bicycle.

So that’s why I’m somewhat mum on Sheehan and her movement. We need an anti-war movement, if only to make it clear that lying to us at the outset of a major war that kills thousands of people is sort of “not okay.” Sadly, this controversy has become yet another excuse for “liberals” and “conservatives” to line up on opposite sides and whack each other for fun and profit. That gets tiresome for me, particularly since I have all this Beefaroni to make my way through.