President Bush is asking everyone to remain calm about his upcoming Supreme Court nominee. He’s right - a quick look at the short list (obtained from a White House official who describes himself only “The PlameSlayer”) tells us that we’ve got nothing to fear. It’s a long “short list,” but let’s start by looking at a few of the frontrunners.

Alberto Gonzalez - Current Attorney General and former White House counsel, we don’t need a litmus test to know that “Gonzo” is a centrist. While he has described the First Amendment as “quaint,” he balances this with a staunch belief in the Second Amendment.

Judge Benjamin Wanamaker - A veteran of the Fifth Circuit Court in Texas, “Benny” believes in truth, the rule of law, and that suspected criminals ought to be subject to “compulsory organ harvesting.” Wanamaker is contemptuous of judicial extremists and has written several influential scholarly tracts on the subject, including “An Analysis of Current Tort Reform Proposals,” and “What’s With Those Liberal Faggots?”

Angelina Borowski - Though lacking in actual law experience, longtime Bush friend Borowski “really likes legal stuff.” Though she’s somewhat of a right-to-lifer, she has always staked out the middle ground in the debate, arguing that those who favor abortion rights “ought to be allowed to live.”

Judge Harry Carter - A beloved Oklahoma personality from the popular local program “Judge Carter,” this TV gavel-wielder balances his tough-but-fair rhetoric with fair-but-tough judgments. He’s been known to be an advocate of states’ rights, but he tempers this with his belief that this “shouldn’t include East Coast states.”