From the BBC:
CIA ‘knows Bin Laden whereabouts’
The head of the US Central Intelligence Agency has said he has an “excellent idea” where Osama Bin Laden is hiding…
Mr Goss said it was unlikely Bin Laden would be brought to justice until “we strengthen all the links” in the chain in the US-led hunt for terror suspects.
“When you go to the very difficult question of dealing with sanctuaries in sovereign states, you’re dealing with a problem of our sense of international obligation, fair play.
“We have to find a way to work in a conventional world in unconventional ways that are acceptable to the international community.”
Asked if he had a good idea where Bin Laden is, he said: “I have an excellent idea of where he is. What’s the next question?”
The CIA chief did not mention Pakistan by name in his interview with Time.
Dear World;
Howdy! As some of you may know, we here in the United States are busily conducting a worldwide War on Terror. It’s really going super-terrifically well! And you can help!
First, let’s be clear: If your country is harboring terrorists, we can and will strike you down [unless you have nukes]. Nothing [except you having nukes] can deter us from this. Any regime that harbors terrorists will find itself staring down the barrel of a giant red, white, and blue gun [providing they don’t have nukes].
So… what can you do to help? Well, just make sure that you cooperate with our anti-terrorist efforts. It’s easy, and it’s fun. Also, make sure you don’t develop nuclear weapons, because they are bad [and if you do develop them, we won’t be able to attack you if you don’t cooperate].
We’re not trying to be hardasses here, but we’ve invaded two countries in the last four years, and we’re only getting started. And the only real way to make sure that your country isn’t next is to play ball and help us stamp out those terrorists [or you could, of course, get yourself some nukes]. Really, that’s the only [two] way[s].
And help us send this message to Osama bin Laden and his band of terror-mongers: There is no place on this earth that you can be safe, no place where we will not hunt you down and bring you to justice [unless you’re in a country that has nukes, in which case we request that you pack up and go to some nuke-less country so that we can do the whole hunting-down-and-bringing-to-justice thing].
Some of you might be thinking that developing nuclear weapons might be a way of protecting yourself from invasion [because it is]. We strongly advise against it [because it’ll work, no question about it]. It’s vital that you don’t do that, because it makes the world a more dangerous place [while, ironically, keeping you totally safe].
Remember, freedom is on the march [except in some places with nukes], and the enemies of freedom are our enemies and will receive a mighty asskicking [with the exception of, oh, you get it…].
Thanks for listening.
Your Buddy,
The U.S. of A.





13 comments
dave
June 20, 2005 at 3:19 pm
1Who the hell is Osama? I was told Saddam was responsible for all the bad stuff. I vaguely remember dear leader talking about an “Osama”, many years ago, if I think real hard…
tim
June 20, 2005 at 3:34 pm
2Of course we know where Osama is. He’s hanging out with Estragon, Vladimir, Lucky and Pozzo. He’s sure to come tomorrow.
tess
June 20, 2005 at 4:49 pm
3Of course, developing nuclear weapons and actually owning a set of working nukes are two very different scenarios, but subtlety was never our strong suit as a nation.
Harold
June 20, 2005 at 5:52 pm
4Yes, of course the CIA knows where Osama is. He’s hard at work planning the next terrorist strike which will result in a much-needed boost in Presidential approval ratings and revive support for the open-ended and ill-defined war on terror. Why would Bush’s boy Goss want to disturb him?
Emmarie
June 20, 2005 at 7:09 pm
5tim: Or maybe he’s just hiding in the bog, and if anyone new ever went to visit them, they’d see him.
Murray
June 20, 2005 at 7:55 pm
6“We know where…” Where have I heard this before?
Oh yea, Chaney said he knew where the WMD were, near Sadam’s birthplace.
Not there either, bummer.
We knew Osama was in Tora Bora -until our mercenaries sold us out and let him escape.
On a regular basis someone in the cabinet says “We know where Osama is”
Yea, sure, I know where he is too.
Somewhere other than in American custody.
After a while I fail to get excited by this bullshit.
David
June 20, 2005 at 8:20 pm
7Murray, ye of little faith,
Goss’s statement has exactly the same statistical probability of being true as it does of being false. If there is a perceived need to play the bin Laden card, it’s true. If not, it’s either true or false. If Cheney is behind it, it’s false. Two trues, two falses, one ongoing crock of no nukes/nukes - invasion/no invasion.
cooper
June 20, 2005 at 8:54 pm
8Psst! Osama! Porter Goss knows exactly where you are. Armed with that helpful information, you may feel a need to move. Of course, since he knows exactly where you are, you’re probably blown up by now.
No? Huh. I wonder, why not?
Hey, listen gang, if you are of a mind and have a few moments to burn, try googling “Bush is dirty”. You have to pick through a few of the wacko sites, but it seems our President spent a few years in business with Salem bin Laden, Osama’s brother, in Bush’s ironically named Arbusto oil exploration partnerships. As you may have guessed, they went busto. Also, several tidbits about the origins of the family wealth involving Prescott Bush and the Nazi supply train in 30’s and 40’s. You know, if the Democrats had backbones, they could have roughed-up W back in 2000 about this and many other foibles. My, wouldn’t life be simpler now.
David
June 21, 2005 at 1:18 pm
9Steal a little and they’ll throw you in jail,
Steal a lot and they’ll make you king.
It’s possible we Democrats can’t win because we are such modest thieves. Who would ever want a president/king who is fair-minded, reflective, and unwilling to steal the world’s resources without regard for the people who live where those resources are, or for the destruction of the planet that results from the extraction and consumption of those resources?
Jerry
June 21, 2005 at 1:24 pm
10bin Laden…bin Laden…damn, but that sounds familiar. Hold on a sec, I’m gonna Google this…Oh! Hell, yes! He was briefly held accountable for the WTC-Pentagon unpleasantness! “Wanted Dead or Alive,” didn’t make the cut on the “Most Wanted Playing Card” deck, but hey…
Well, he’s in deep doo-doo now! An “evil-doer,” 6′4″, on dialysis, and we know where he is! Good luck, Osama! Count your breaths, each one may be your last…or at least you will be captured and shown to the world in you tighty-whities!
Mr_Blog
June 21, 2005 at 2:38 pm
11Goss: I know where Osama is.
Negroponte: So do I.
G: You do?
N: Of course, I’m the intelligence czar. I got a briefing paper.
G: When did you get it?
N: Last Thursday.
G: I got mine last Monday. How many pages is yours?
N: 6 pages.
G: Mine is 8 pages.
N: Is not!
G: Is too!
N: So show it to me.
G: You show me yours.
N: You show me yours first.
G: Nuh-huh.
N: You don’t even have one!
G: Do so!
N: So.
G: So… let’s show each other at the same time.
N: No way.
G: I know, let’s ask Condi if she’ll show us hers.
N: Yeah, she showed Bush, she’ll show anyone…
etc. etc.
Jerry
June 21, 2005 at 3:00 pm
12Condi showed bush?! Isn’t that worse than Super Bowl nipple? But Bush/Condi was in private, not on national TV. Not for public comsuprion. Like Bill and Monica…oops…bad example. Not like that, then. Like, oh, I don’t know…maybe a “youthful indiscretion?” Yeah, that’s my story.
Harold
June 21, 2005 at 4:13 pm
13Hey, what she does with her husband is her business.