Yes, I know - the color-coded system is being phased out. But I like to kick it old-school on occasion, keepin’ it surreal. That’s how I roll. On da Ridge tip, yo.
Anyway, we’re on high alert this week. No, not for terrorist activity, but for Bush administration atrocities. If the Michael Jackson verdict had been a scheduled event, you could bet your bippy (or even take out a second mortgage on you and your spouse’s bippy) that today’s political headlines would be crawling with overlooked sub-rosa activity like roaches at a carnival. But the arrival of the verdict took everyone by surprise, leaving this morning’s non-headlines relatively innocuous.
It won’t last. If you’re still looking to refinance your bippy at a reasonable rate, there’s no better time than now. There is little doubt that the moment the jury started reading that string of “not gulties,” machinery started grinding deep under the White House. Staffers were sent scrambling for the various “Under Big Story Cover” files, and 100 different things the administration was hoping to do but couldn’t in a Slow News environment were unsealed and debated. There were probably even a couple of packages marked “Do Not Open Until The Jackson Verdict.”
So let’s be vigilant. Use the Comments below to document what happens over the next 48 hours. It might not be huge - those hoping for a “Beautiful Mountain Streams Initiative” that mandates the immediate extermination of all freshwater fish in the continental US, might be disappointed (the verdict was, after all, “not guilty, which means there will be no incarcerated “Jackson distraction”), but there’s sure to be a few damning reports and whatnot that just so happen to have been completed and filed at the precise moment that Michael’s motorcade re-entered the Neverland grounds.
So… high alert. Go Time. Keep your eyes on the ball. If I still had a bippy after this weekend’s stomach virus, I’d guess Mr. Cheney in the Detention Yard with a Rope. But I really don’t have a Clue.
Fanny Roborat
15 comments
Johnnyko
June 14, 2005 at 5:07 pm
1AP WIRE SERVICES 5-15-2005 — FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
In an effort to cut government spending, which is increasingly necessary due to the dollars continuing devaluation against the bippy, welfare and food stamp programs have been eliminated entirely from next year’s budget. Former recipients have been given pamplets informing them of the nutritional value of prayer. In related news, manna futures have fallen considerably, as investors expect the market to be flooded. Efforts to rename Detroit “Milk and Honey Land, Michigan” are recieving a mixed response.
sly
June 14, 2005 at 5:19 pm
2Rumsfled’s bippy apparently has announced that Gitmo isn’t ever going to close. Just heard him quoted on CNN as saying “As long as there are terrorists threatening America, a faculty will be open.”
dee
June 14, 2005 at 6:15 pm
3BAGHDAD,Iraq: Statements appearing on several militant websites indicate that the leader of Al Queda in Iraq may have finally been rendered powerless. Reports have appeared that Jordanian-born Abu Musab al-Zarqawi is suffering from a virulent stomach bug.
A website known as a clearinghouse for al-Zarqawi has posted the statement and asked Muslims to pray for him.
Ken
June 14, 2005 at 6:29 pm
4Sometime in the next 48 hours, Howard Dean will say something blindingly obvious and unflinchingly honest about the Republican party, after which the spokesbugs of the administration will all shake their heads and mutter about how mean-spirited and unstable the man is.
All the while, between 20 and 100 more people will be killed in Iraq, a sure sign of ‘progress’ and an imminent end to the insurgency. But it won’t get any press whatsoever.
superdude
June 14, 2005 at 7:17 pm
5Terrorists are planning to attack us from the sewer system!
tim
June 14, 2005 at 8:14 pm
6The Pentagon will announce on Friday afternoon that funding has been approved for the “Koran-inator” military grade commode. “It just goes to show you how wrong that Newsweek story was,” a spokesman will say. “We were still in the prototype stage.”
Linkmeister
June 14, 2005 at 9:39 pm
7The current appropriation for the Global Aids fund will henceforth be denominated in Euros, thus reducing the American contribution by 30%. The Bush Administration will announce that this action could be taken due to the efficiency of its abstinence programs.
Elliott
June 15, 2005 at 12:12 am
8How about this one.
House Republicans beat back a Democratic challenge Tuesday to Majority Leader Tom DeLay, defeating an effort to cut $200 million from NASA’s Moon-Mars initiative and spend the money instead to aid local police.
By a 230-196 vote, the House rejected an amendment by Rep. David Obey, D-Wis., to transfer $200 million from the space agency to two Clinton-era grant programs that President Bush wants to phase out.
The Justice Department programs are favorites of lawmakers because they provide help for local initiatives to combat methamphetamine, fund anti-gang programs and provide new equipment to hometown police departments.
tess
June 15, 2005 at 3:42 am
9Elliot,
Are you cheating and reading the news?
Harold
June 15, 2005 at 7:27 am
10How about this?
A House panel has voted to eliminate all public funding for NPR and PBS, starting with “Sesame Street,” “Reading Rainbow,” and other commercial-free children’s shows. If approved, this would be the most severe cut in the history of public broadcasting, threatening to pull the plug on Big Bird, Cookie Monster and Oscar the Grouch.
Oh, wait, sorry, that one’s real, too. (Despite how much it sounds like a fake e-mail message that’s been circulating for years. Maybe the fake messages were part of a long-term plan to discredit anyone who tried to respond in the event this actually happened?)
Sign the petition telling Congress to save NPR and PBS:
http://www.moveon.org/publicbroadcasting/
Murray
June 15, 2005 at 3:49 pm
11Knowing how devastating the scalpel like wit of America’s favorite satirist and news oriented game show contestant is at slicing the lying pomposity of the Republican power brokers, they have initiated the first wave of attacks to remove the public venues of Adam Felber.
Boy, that’s a long way around just to squelch Adam (and us).
Pete IVDL
June 15, 2005 at 6:37 pm
12Oh, I don’t know… Remember, for long-term “Under Big Cover Stories”, there’s always the juror’s inevitable book deal to take up valuable between-the-ads fill-in time. Or “Jacko’s Verdict: Thriller!”, or “Gallup poll finds 62% of Americans think Jackson is GUILTY!”, or…
Hey, what’s the deal with PBS/NPR/NASA funding (or potential lack thereof)? I thought this was a long-term Fundy goal, reducing the confusing selection of Anti-Republican Unbeliever False Satanist Baby-Beating UnAmerican So-Called “News Coverage”, not something they could just slip in under the MJ radar. And NASA - after all, we all know those photos and filmclips of moonguys were faked, and there is no “planet Mars” (yeah, right, like Lobster would name a planet after a confection), and the so-called “scientists” are just looking to line their pockets with funds for so-called “rocketships”.
hedera
June 15, 2005 at 11:09 pm
13I don’t know, superdude - the water main on our street blew out yesterday, leaving us without water until 3 AM, does that count as “Terrorists attacking us from the sewer system”?? The repair dudes insisted that they NEVER deal with sewers, just drinking water…
Pete IVDL
June 16, 2005 at 6:28 pm
14hedera - no repair dude ever wants to deal with sewage! Given the choice between pure, clean, fluoridated (but otherwise unadulterated) water and the Nightmare Under Elm Street, I know which I’d choose to have under my nails! (And I grew up on a sewage farm!)
Maybe it’s not the terrorists we need to be worried by, but instead the incompetentists. Lobster knows, they make our life hell all the time, and we run into those monkeys more than we meet your average, common, garden-type terrorist…
Pete IVDL
June 16, 2005 at 6:29 pm
15Hey, maybe Homeland Security could add a new warning level above Red : Condition Brown. Just a thought. :=)