From the President’s press conference:

I’m aware of the Amnesty International report, and it’s absurd. It’s an absurd allegation. The United States is a country that is — promotes freedom around the world…

…It seemed like to me they based some of their decisions on the word of — and the allegations — by people who were held in detention, people who hate America, people that had been trained in some instances to disassemble — that means not tell the truth. And so it was an absurd report.

I’m sold. Yikes!

Previously, I’d thought that there was some merit to Amnesty International’s claims. It seemed clear that shipping prisoners to countries where they’d be tortured, maintaining secret detention bases, and holding all our Guantanamo prisoners without charges or legal access despite the ruling of our own Supreme Court… that seemed sort of, uh, wrong. And when President Bush pointed out that most of these torture and abuse allegations came from the prisoners, I remember wondering what other sources those kind of allegations usually come from. Disgruntled guards? Nearby souvenir vendors?

Also, Amnesty International’s report didn’t seem “absurd” to me, because to me an “absurd” report would involve allegations of abusive circus clowns and obviously made-up names like “Admiral Puppylips” and “Camp Fwappawappadingdang.” “Wrong,” possibly. But “absurd?” I thought not.

But then the President revealed the terrifying news that our enemy has learned to disassemble. This requires a paradigm shift not unlike that brought on by 9/11. Terror now has a new face, and it’s detachable.

Think about it. An enemy that can disassemble can pack himself into the smallest of spaces, places where one wouldn’t think to look for a terrorist. An attache case. Under a silver serving tray. Inside a janitor’s locker at a nuclear power plant. In a public official’s glove compartment. If such individuals have the ability to reassemble themselves quickly - and we have to assume that they can, good lord, we can’t afford to assume otherwise! - then the amount of damage that can be done is incalculable.

No wonder we’re not allowing the Guantanamo prisoners any legal counsel! When you’re dealing with a maniac who could conceal all or part of himself in a departing lawyer’s briefcase, any contact with the outside world is too much. Even now, some disassembling lieutenant of Osama bin Laden could be shipping himself inside a few dozen inconspicuous FedEx envelopes addressed to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue!

When the President suggested that a disassembling enemy might “not tell the truth,” he was clearly understating the case, trying not to panic the American public. But sober reflection makes it clear that it’s much, much worse than that. We have to increase our vigilance tenfold. We have to carefully examine any container that comes towards our homes or our shores, no matter how small. We have to be on alert for the new, modular face of the enemy.

About an hour ago, I received a small package from a New York magazine that I’m working with. Putatively from a New York magazine, I should say - the package was made of opaque cardboard. Prudently, I shook it, stomped upon it a few times, put it in the microwave on “High” for 45 seconds, drove a sturdy kitchen knife through it in a spiral pattern at intervals of no more than 2 inches, burnt it, and stomped on it again while screaming “Die, partial terrorist scum, Die!!”

Was this in violation of certain provisions of the now-quaint Geneva Convention? Sure. But was it necessary in order to ensure the safety of my home and family? Of course. No legal niceties are worth the possibility of letting a murderous enemy into my own home.

As it turned out, there weren’t any apparent terrorist parts in the package. And the included videotape is now… somewhat less functional than I would have hoped. But we all have to make sacrifices for our security, and I have no regrets about the precautions I took.

Clearly, we have to put aside any silly, outmoded whinings from Amnesty International or the UN or even our own courts. They are indeed “absurd,” stuck in the bygone era of the structurally indivisible terrorist. When the enemy can come apart at will, we have to stick together.