INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY
[PRESIDENT BUSH sits behind his desk, examining a stack of compact discs. He lifts one, begins to bend it. KARL ROVE and DICK CHENEY sit on the couch, consulting in hushed tones.
FBI Agent PHILLIP SMITH enters.]
BUSH: Smitty! Come on in. Wanted to see me?
SMITH: Yes sir.
BUSH: Siddown.
[Bush bends the CD until it SNAPS in half.]
SMITH: Mr. President, we have some news. Do you remember the incident in Georgia last week?
BUSH: Sure, sure. But you gotta understand, I thought the bathrobe was complimentary.
[He SNAPS the halved CD neatly into quarters, places them in a stack, and reaches for another CD.]
SMITH: No, sir, I mean about the grenade.
BUSH: Oh, you mean the inactive training grenade that someone left lying around the place where I spoke.
SMITH: Yes sir. That one.
BUSH: Yeah, that was weird.
[SNAP!]
SMITH: Yes, Mr. President, weird. Well, as it turns out, it wasn’t a training grenade.
BUSH: No?
SMITH: No sir. It was a real, live grenade.
BUSH: Really. That’s kinda surprising.
SMITH: And it wasn’t just “lying around.”
BUSH: No?
SMITH: It was actually thrown. Towards you. While you were speaking and thus momentarily out from behind the bulletproof barrier.
BUSH: Huh. That’s weird.
[Alarmed, Cheney and Rove break off their conversation and move towards the President. Bush SNAPS another CD into quarters. There’s an awkward pause.]
SMITH: Tired of Randy Travis, sir?
BUSH: Huh?
[Smith gestures towards the CDs.]
BUSH: Oh. No way. He’s one of my favorites.
[Bush snaps another CD in half. Pause.]
SMITH: Anyway, Mr. President, we thought you’d want to know about the assassination attempt.
BUSH: That’s okay. I was never in any danger.
SMITH: Well, sir, that’s what I’m saying. Apparently, you were.
BUSH: Not followin’ you…
SMITH: There was a live grenade thrown within a hundred feet of you while you were addressing a crowd. You could have been killed.
BUSH: Aw, I’d've been fine.
SMITH: Sir?
BUSH: Someone woulda dove in. Or hustled me outa there. Or gotten me into the national guard. Happens all the time.
SMITH: Sir, there would have been no time for that! You were nearly killed.
[SNAP!]
BUSH: Hunh. Dick?
CHENEY: I’d downplay it. Getting assassinated is a sign of weakness.
BUSH: Karl?
ROVE: It can’t be a big story. Georgia and Chechnya aren’t an A-level sphere of involvement.
SMITH: They would have been if they’d killed him!
ROVE: No. The assassin would have been Iranian. Or Syrian.
BUSH: Damn those guys!
SMITH: We have no evidence that the perp-
CHENEY [pounding the desk]: SYRIAN OR IRANIAN!
[Pause. BUSH breaks another CD.]
SMITH: So, Mr. President, if you like Randy Travis…
BUSH: Oh, yeah. [He gestures at the CDs] These are too big to fit in my iPod.
[Another pause, punctuated by a SNAP!]
BUSH: Anything else, Smitty?
SMITH: You mean apart from the attempt on your life on foreign soil?
BUSH: Yup.
[Pause.]
SMITH: No.
BUSH: ‘Kay. Hey, could you tell Judy to put these on the ‘Pod on your way out?
[Bush hands him the segmented CDs.]
SMITH: But… Yes sir.
BUSH: Cool.
[Smith exits.]
BUSH: Wow. That guy needs a vacation. As though I was gonna be assassinated in Georgia.
CHENEY: Couldn’t've happened.
ROVE: No. If necessary, it would happen in South Korea.
BUSH: What?
ROVE: Nothing.
BUSH: Okay! Hey, could you hand me my Lucinda Williams collection?
Fanny Roborat
26 comments
Gary
May 18, 2005 at 4:18 pm
1He’s right — ‘Smitty’ needs a vacation!
Wonder if ‘Puty Poot’ agrees?
AM
May 18, 2005 at 5:04 pm
2It’s OK. Judy would have busted them anyway when she got POed enough at the digital copywright management crap.
Keith
May 18, 2005 at 5:13 pm
3Please don’t less this guy get killed in office. The last thing we need is for him to be a martyr.
I can already see the immediate constitutional ammendment to allow people under 35 (well at least conservatives whose fathers were killed in office) to run for president, with Jenna Bush sweeping a mandate in ‘08 on the campaign slogan “He killed my daddy”, with the “he” variably refering to the most convenient and/or profitable target.
And of course the limit on two terms will actually be two terms after the age of thirty five paving the way for about another 20 years under the House of Bush.
paphgrl
May 18, 2005 at 5:37 pm
4No one in this country can attend one of his speeches unless they sign a statement of support. Is security for his appearances in the US tighter than it is in Georgia?
Pete IVDL
May 18, 2005 at 5:42 pm
5Where’s Zapruder when you need him?
Steve
May 18, 2005 at 6:19 pm
6Two words: President Cheney.
Aiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
melina
May 18, 2005 at 6:25 pm
7A+!
Quammus
May 18, 2005 at 8:26 pm
8Interesting. Kind of odd, too. If I’d almost been assassinated, I’d want people to know about it, if only for the sympathy and public support factor. I’d have my spinmasters take the angle that I, the upstanding paragon of freedom, had survived an ignoble attack from the forces of tyranny.
J. Deighton
May 18, 2005 at 8:43 pm
9Comedian Bill Hicks used to have a great bit about how Clinton should not have bombed Iraq after the assasination atempt on Bush Sr. He said we should have just killed Bush Sr. and said, “See, that’s how it’s done. Don’t mess with us.” I’m not saying I agree completely, but I understand.
Jim
May 18, 2005 at 8:55 pm
10“BUSH: Wow. That guy needs a vacation. As though I was gonna be assassinated in Georgia.”
Adam, you forgot to add the rest of the remark:
“California maybe, but not Georgia. By the way Rovemeister, isn’t Randy Travis from Georgia?”…and are they having a problem with illegal aliens there? I didn’t hear very many of ‘em speaking english.”
Not that your post needed added to, but I couldn’t resist.
Leslie
May 18, 2005 at 9:06 pm
11I’m glad I wasn’t drinking anything when I read the part about the CD’s being too big to fit in Dubya’s iPod. The continuing thread was really a nice touch, Adam. Bravo!
tess
May 18, 2005 at 10:53 pm
12First thing I thought was, “Damn! Cheap Russian parts!” Then Keith and Steve mentioned the words “martyr” and “President Cheney.” Lobsterdamn it! Don’t do that to me! It took me 10 minutes to come out of that catatonic trance! I’m just going to keep having nightmares thanks you two!
JB
May 19, 2005 at 5:25 am
13Terrorist attacks are only effective if they are known about. If that recent explosion, plane crash, train derailment, gas leak, or fire was caused by a mechanical malfunction rather than a terrorist then there is no terror, the stock market doesn’t crash, the terrorists have one less success and the government has not lost control or credibility. If the assassination attempt was not an assassination attempt but, instead, ‘another’ misplaced grenade (happens all the time…) then the same logic applies.
I wonder if, like this assassination attempt, there have been terrorist attacks in the USA which have been kept out of the media or, more likely, suppressed, (in the national interest, of course). Probably not too hard to do when there is an “ongoing investigation” and everything is “a matter of national security”. I haven’t checked, but am curious about the 2 supposedly unrelated oil refinery explosions that occurred in the last 2 or so months. The problem with this idea is that unless you are in the know, you can never know for sure what is going on because anything can be part of a coverup. (I suppose this is another reason why having a government which is trustworthy is important.)
If a terrorist attacks in the woods and there is no one there to hear it…
This reminds me of something I read about security the point of which was that security prevents some crime but encourages the determined criminal to be more sophisticated. In effect, it creates a smarter criminal. If it were true that news of terrorist attacks on the US was being suppressed this would encourage more dramatic and devastating attacks news of which could not be suppressed.
Oh, and Adam, when do you thing the Secret Service will arrive, morning, afternoon, evening, or in the middle of the night?
Thompson
May 19, 2005 at 6:11 am
14JB, shush. You’re talking about evolution again. Everyone knows that evolution doesn’t happen. God just CREATES smarter criminals and more effective terrorists to test our faith.
–Thompson, watching social Darwinism in action since 1979!
Murray
May 19, 2005 at 8:21 am
15Steve, who do you think our president is? Surely not the bozo behind the desk.
I’m not sure how a grenade 100 feet away would have threatened his life, but who knows?
Disinformation is just a natural reflex, they couldn’t answer honestly if they had to.
Dave
May 19, 2005 at 12:38 pm
16Grenades can throw shrapnel well over 100 feet. It’s not like the movies, where if you’re 30′ away, you’re safe. A fast moving chunk of metal into the neck could be fatal.
Allison in Santa Cruz
May 19, 2005 at 3:49 pm
17When I heard yesterday that the grenade had been real and could have taken out a healthy chunk of the current administration, my first thought was, “Hmm, I wonder how long they waited to tell Bush about that? Forty-seven minutes?”
The last thing this country needs is for Bush to become a martyr. Let’s hope to Lobster that Karl Rove isn’t quite that Machiavellian. On the other hand, if the grenade had removed Cheney, Rove, and Rice from the scene, that might not have been half bad.
Pete IVDL
May 19, 2005 at 5:19 pm
18So, what you’re all saying is… (tess, don’t read this bit or the nightmares might come back) if someone finally gives Dubya a lethal papercut, not only does the average IQ go up a few points, but Dick Cheney gets to be prez??? Like, for how long? Does he just see out the end of this term, or can he contest the next election? (Will he capture Princess Padma and complete the change to the Dark Side?) This is the guy that runs Ha Ha Halliburton (sorry, I stutter when I get really scared).
Cheese Louise, you guys need to wrap YR in a steel blanket! Bugger the Secret Service guys/gals jumping into the path of the bullet/egg/poisoned dart/Holy Hand Grenade, just use a cardboard cutout of GWB so this kinda thing could never happen. Oh, wait a minute, maybe that’s already happened…
Adam Felber
May 19, 2005 at 6:10 pm
19I think the “hundred feet” thing is immaterial. Whether or not the grenade could have hurt the President from 100 feet, it’s entirely conceivable that whoever threw it might have been able to throw it a little further. In other words, someone was able to lob a live grenade at Bush from a reasonably short distance. It boggles my mind that this isn’t a bigger story.
Murray
May 19, 2005 at 9:50 pm
20Well, this way President Jenna Bush can invade Georgia claiming, “They tried to kill my daddy!”
Kelli
May 20, 2005 at 9:11 am
21What gets me is the original story, who was expected to believe that a “nonfunctioning training” grenade has been sitting around for the last few years, unnoticed untill the two presidents just happen to show up…
Tess-I too got a little glow when I first heard this story, untill the nightmares started.
hedera
May 20, 2005 at 2:35 pm
22Take the thing one step further and it gets worse: Dubya is assassinated; President Cheney’s bad ticker gives out under the strain of actual office instead of behind-the-scenes maneuvering (what’s he had? 5 heart attacks? the man really is not healthy); who’s the next person in the presidential line of succession? I just checked, and my recollection was right: after the VP, succession goes to the speaker of the House: President Hastert, anyone??
Of course, the first thing the supposititious “President Cheney” would do is appoint a new VP, but still. I think Pete IVDL is right: as bad as he is, we have to hope the Yellow Rose holds out till the end of his term…
Leo Kronkite
May 20, 2005 at 3:51 pm
23Mr Deighton, get back to your room immediately!
Oh, and nice article…funny stuff. Now I know how to get my entire CD collection into my ipod!
JB
May 21, 2005 at 2:34 pm
24Murray, I just reread your post. Are you implying that Jenna was behind the assassination attempt?
I suppose it’s possible, but I think it’s a setup. Poor girl.
Pete IVDL
May 21, 2005 at 5:14 pm
25I’d much rather Martin Sheen as prez. At least he knows how to read a teleprompt. Plus, he’s one sexy old dude. Ahem. (I was channelling…)
David
May 22, 2005 at 1:56 pm
26Adam,
I’ve got to agree - the most mind-boggling aspect of this is that someone could get that close to the Prez with a live grenade.
The consequences, had that grenade gone off, are cause for nightmares far, far beyond Cheney becoming de jure what he already is de facto.
I would suggest that the Prez make no more pr trips to anywhere outside the US, except for swoop in/swoop outs. The level of hatred in the rest of the world all but guarantees a successful attempt at some point, the last thing the world needs.
Besides, I want the sonofabitch to have to hang around and experience the consequences of his policies. I hope he lives long enough to “enjoy” global warming. Maybe they could take him to enjoy his 80th birthday in some oil-garrison hellhole, and maybe his 100th birthday on the slush that used to be the North Pole icecap, preferably with his adoring wife by his side, along with his daughters and their families.
Is the FA variety of active moderation like the active cultures in real yogurt?