The big question about Tom DeLay’s future seems to be a foregone conclusion: He’s toast. Crispy, heavily-buttered toast, the kind that comes with your omelet but is cold by the time you’ve finished and ends up being left behind with your tip after one desultory bite. Tom DeLay will be picked up, carried back to the kitchen, given a speculative glance by a hungry-but-not-THAT-desperate busboy, and tossed into the refuse bin.

Of course, most uneaten toast doesn’t go on to a rich future full of consultancy work and exorbinant speaking fees, so the metaphor isn’t perfect. But after some more damning revelations, and his friends starting to scramble for the exits, his immediate fate seems assured. One important question does remain, however:

How exactly are the Democrats gonna screw this one up?

Recent American political history closely follows the “Pink Panther model.” The Republicans have ably filled the role of Inspector Clousseau - they bungle and blunder from silly ruses to transparent deceptions to preposterous schemes. But somehow they end up winning. The Democrats are unquestionably the Inspector Dreyfuss side of the model - smart, competent, and utterly aghast at the twists of fate that somehow seem to always result in them suffering disgrace, humiliation, and grievous bodily harm. They sputter impotently and unbelievingly at the fact that nobody else seems to see what a boob Clousseau really is…

To extend the “Pink Panther model” (first explored by political theorist F.B. Kornheiser shortly before his final, extended tour of the Gute Hill Sanitarium in the late 70’s), we’ve seen the Democrats move into “Second Stage Dreyfuss,” wherein they have begun to actively plot to bring down the Clousseau-ite Republicans and have developed a tendency to fly into apoplectic rages and a pronounced twitch. This time, they are convinced, they will expose the Republicans for what they truly are… this time.

So the only question that remains is exactly how. How will the Democrats make a hash of it all? How will the Republicans emerge with a publicly-perceived victory and an electoral “vindication” in ‘06? It’s going to happen, of course, but how?

I have some ideas, but the most likely scenario is this (if you’ll permit me to mix a few metaphors):

“The Passion of the Tom.”

Through spin and carefully-placed “human interest” stories, Tom DeLay starts to look like a martyr to those bitterly partisan Washington politicians. His suffering becomes a prevalent theme, and the Democrats start to look more and more like a bunch of big, mean bullies. His actual resignation is staged on the Capitol steps and is filmed by Mel Gibson. During the ceremony Delay somehow performs the physically impossible task of nailing himself to a cross.

By late this year DeLay becomes a popular TV pundit, speaking authoritatively about Congress’ godless culture of blame, and by January he publishes his book, “Meanies: How Liberals Hurt My Feelings When I Really Didn’t Do Anything All That Wrong When You Think About It.” It’s an instant bestseller, detailing how godless liberal Democrats still really run things in this country despite conservative control of the House, the Senate, the White House, the Supreme Court, and most major media companies. There is a lot of material about the liberal plot to make religion all but illegal in America, triple taxes, and send chocolates to terrorist organizations in the hopes that they’ll “behave.” This is apparently detailed in a secret document entitled “The Protocols of the Elders of Hyannis” that DeLay somehow managed to get ahold of.

By summer, ‘06, when a “Remember Tom!” movement is gaining momentum and energizing the conservative base, the Democrats will flounder. Some will twitch and stutter and rage incoherently about being “tricked,” but most will hedge their bets and state loudly but unconvincingly that they “really like” God and are anti-giving-terrorists-chocolate. Those that insist on pointing out that chocolates and God aren’t the issue and that DeLay was forced out for very good reasons will find themselves getting less and less airtime as election day approaches….

That’s just one scenario of course, but it seems pretty likely. Please feel free to offer your version in the Comments below. Bonus points to any prediction that involves a prominent Democrat getting a bowling ball stuck on his hand and repeated knocking himself unconscious while trying to salute.

Have fun!