April 7th, Philadelphia: A great first outing, as the Nats defeat the Philadelphia Phillies in their first game ever! A 10th inning home run by Jose Vidro shows the world that the Nationals can “stand up to the ivory-tower Northeast liberal power-brokers,” says General Manager Jim Bowden. Manager Frank Robinson proclaims that the Phillies not only beat themselves, but by choosing Canadian-born relief pitcher Rheal Cormier to start the 10th, the Phillies showed themselves to be “out of touch with mainstream baseball values.”
April 8th, Florida: A crushing 8-0 loss for the Nats. The game is delayed for 3 hours while the Washington team holds an 8th inning conference on the mound to determine what went wrong and who was responsible for the intelligence that Marlins pitcher Dontrelle Willis “couldn’t hit.” Several journalists allege that the Nats aren’t scoring enough before the 6th inning, which the Nationals’ front office contends is “utter nonsense.”
April 9th, Florida: Another 10th inning victory! The Marlins protest the game after losing pitcher Antonio Alfonseca is accosted by INS officers shortly before the 10th inning. Alfonesca, who is from the Dominican Republic, is found to have his papers in order but claims to have been rattled by the “suspicious timing” and “rough treatment.” Manager Robinson denies any involvement, but applauds the INS for “keeping our borders safe. Besides, what has Alfonesca got to hide?” Robinson also calls allegations of a lack of early-innings run support “completely baseless and false.”
April 10th, Florida: An 8-0 loss to Florida. The Nationals demand a recount on the final score, and Nats’ General Manager Jim Bowden decries the role of “activist umpires” who caused the Nationals to strike out a whopping 11 times at the hands of Marlin starter Josh Beckett. “We’re not going to just stand around while these unelected tyrants redefine the strike zone,” he says. “In a very real sense, we won that game.”
April 11th, Atlanta: An 11-2 loss to the Braves. “Considering the forces that Ted Turner and his cronies massed against us, not a bad outing,” says Robinson, pointing out that winning pitcher Mike Hampton is “a lefty. I’ll just leave it at that.” Statistics indicate that the Nats have scored only 5 pre-6th inning runs in 5 games, and Nationals President Tony Tavares vows to investigate “why none of us had heard anything about this. I assure you, if we’d known, we would have addressed it.”
April 12th, Atlanta: Pre-game warmups and batting practice are suspended for a “team prayer” and an extended debate over how to approach pitching to red-hot Braves 1st baseman Adam LaRoche. “We’re not going to rush into anything,” says Robinson. “We’ll wait for the report from our Subcommittee on Pitching to Infielders, and I’m confident that we’ll have enough votes to nail down a strategy by mid-July at the latest. Maybe early August.”
Fanny Roborat
33 comments
Auros
April 12, 2005 at 7:47 pm
1Is that last entry a reference to this?
Murray
April 12, 2005 at 8:43 pm
2Wow Adam, you’ve found a way to make baseball even more boreing. Mix it with politics. Now, no one will be able to stay awake and the terrorists will have won.
dee
April 12, 2005 at 9:13 pm
3I can’t WAIT till they play an away game in San Francisco!!
And Murray — Baseball boring? As one who grew up with Ernie Harwell’s voice in my ear on a warm summer night while I sat on the porch rocking in the glider, I can never accept the idea of baseball as boring. Strategic, nuanced, rhythmic, yes. But never boring.
Matt
April 12, 2005 at 9:41 pm
4Murray–I once thought that baseball was boring too until I saw Pedro strikeout 20 hitters in 1999. It don’t much more exciting than that. It’s all in what you are looking for.
I’m not sure that the Nats are what you are looking for though.
Emmarie
April 12, 2005 at 9:50 pm
5I’m starting to accept that no matter what I do, the terrorists will have won.
Allison in Santa Cruz
April 12, 2005 at 10:33 pm
6What? Baseball boring? No way! Baseball to me means summer, sun, lemonade, and hot dogs. And no school.
I’ve always said that basketball is for those unenlightened souls who can’t appreciate the subtle choreography of a good infield. Or who don’t have a very long attention span. And PacBell Park is a downright gorgeous place to spend an afternoon.
Dave
April 12, 2005 at 11:57 pm
7Hilarious. Is Jeff Gannon covering the beat?
John E Thelin
April 13, 2005 at 12:46 am
8Yes, baseball is - like most sports - boring unless you have some odd semi-religious stake in who “wins”.
the other michael
April 13, 2005 at 1:40 am
9“wins” ???
Please John, sports is the one place in life where “winning” is never figurative.
And believe me, a fan of the game doesn’t need a rooting stake to enjoy a good game–of course, not all games qualify (there are plenty of dogs), and it helps for someone to care, even if it ain’t you…
As a former Washingtonian, the ironic quotes here belong to “Washington”–DC is way more than the putzes down by the Mall.
Funny as usual, Adam, but you must do penance for taking the holy name of Frank Robinson in vain.
BTW, the real-life Nats pulled one out against the Braves tonight to go 4-4 and tied for second in the NL East.
m
David
April 13, 2005 at 2:15 am
10Rheingold beer, Blind Robins, and Mets baseball in a Jersey bar next to our favorite laundromat (Trenton State 1966) - it’s all a matter of place and perspective. Pretty damned clever post, Adam. I skipped it the first time I saw it, then came back. Once I got going, I wanted more.
Tom M
April 13, 2005 at 8:02 am
11Baseball… That’s like rounders isn’t it?
Thompson
April 13, 2005 at 10:58 am
12Rusty, I thought we went over that. Your wife was outed because she wasn’t a safe saxophonist, and she once played with a sextet. I advise, in the future, she keep her instrument covered.
Harold
April 13, 2005 at 2:11 pm
13I thought I heard that Rusty’s wife was a thespian in her college days. That’s a little too scandalous for decent folk to abide.
tess
April 13, 2005 at 3:11 pm
14Personally, I’m going to have to agree with Murray — I can’t stand baseball unless I’m drunk. And even then, I’d rather watch bad movies while I’m drunk.
Sue
April 13, 2005 at 5:04 pm
15Adam, I was going to join “the other michael” in cautioning you against further castigation of Frank Robinson (we Baltimorons are most protective), but I understand by next Wednesday he’ll be the new Pope.
Murray, maybe you should go to Ripken stadium in Aberdeen, MD on the special occasions when they offer steamed crabs….give you something to do during the game! Sometimes baseball can use a diversion.
Pete in Van Diemen's Land
April 13, 2005 at 5:24 pm
16Yeah, Tom, it seems to be like rounders except guys play it exclusively. Unfortunately for non-baseballians, mixing metaphors for US politics (which I can sorta follow if I take my painkillers) and US baseball (which I can sorta follow if I have pictures) is like me mixing metaphors for mixed metaphors and cricket.
Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to love baseball, but we only ever get to see the games for a couple of weeks a year, and then at 3:30 AM on one channel. But I read enough Stephen King to know how much baseball gets in the blood.
Murray
April 13, 2005 at 5:46 pm
17Sue, that’s just it, baseball can use a diversion almost all of the time.
Yes, I’ve watched Cal Ripkin play for the O’s at Camden Yards; it was 99 degrees when we entered the stadium. You can get a decent beer for the price of a good meal, the bird is worth watching for a time, and it helps when your team wins, but I’m sorry, it just doesn’t do it for me.
Must be a ying yang type of thing. I have 3 brothers, two of whom are normal baseball type fans, and one brother who is obsessed. My mother sent an article from the Detroit Free Press that said when the announcers for the Tigers are stumped regarding Tiger trivia they would call my brother who always knew the answer. (One of the symptoms of Aspbergers syndrome- a devotion to meaningless statistics). He sucked all the baseball interest from me.
Now you want exciting, let’s talk about bicycle racing!
Linkmeister
April 13, 2005 at 8:58 pm
18Humph. Bike racing is like NASCAR; all you gotta do is turn left.
Oh, you meant OUTDOOR bike racing?
Murray
April 14, 2005 at 9:45 am
19Link,
One friend of mine in her 50’s became the “24 Hours of Adrenaline” Solo world Champion in her age group. I wrenched for her on one of her races and it’s quite a rush to work for a solid day on a race. (She of course was riding for 24 hours on a rough, steep, and unbelievably muddy mountain bike course).
Every year on Labor Day I hold a race here on my own trails (part of our “72 hours of Elvis” biking party.
Throw in your dog, good beer for free, race thrills, cooling off in the pond, how can you compare it to snoozeball?
Oh, and the Tour De France is pretty exciting too.
Murray
April 14, 2005 at 9:56 am
20Adam,
There is still hope!
You may have squandered your chance for the Ansari X prize but now there is one even better.
The $50,000,000 Space Prize
All you have to do is fake,.. I mean go, into orbit twice in 60 days, and dock with a module.
OK, this is a little tougher, but on the other hand the prize is 5X bigger so it should be easier to hook up suckers,.. er, investors, to fund your latest attemp.
http://www.space.com/spacenews/businessmonday_bigelow_041108.html
I think a 10% finders fee is a reasonable amount.
Send cash.
Skerlnik
April 14, 2005 at 12:02 pm
21Baseball would be SO much more interesting, if they were allowed to keep the bats, instead of tossing them aside…On-Base-Pct. would soar!! Blood! Gore! Violence! Yahhhhhhhh!!
(Ok, Skerlnik, deep breath. Hockey isn’t coming back, so take it easy…)
Pete in Van Diemen's Land
April 14, 2005 at 6:00 pm
22You’re on to something Skerlnik. Now, if we could just get spectators at the Tour de France to carry baseball bats, THEN we’d see who gets the red t-shirt at the end of the day. (Sorry Murray)
Linkmeister
April 14, 2005 at 9:16 pm
23Murray, I hope you recognized my remark as snark.
Murray
April 14, 2005 at 9:29 pm
24Pete IVDL,
They already have, sort of.
Back in the 70’s, French fans were incensed that a Belgian, Eddie Merck, was on his way to a 5th win and one of them punched him as he rode by. It caused him to crash and the injury was sufficient to drop him from the lead and he finished 2nd.
If you watched the assault up the Alpe d’Huez last year, many of the seriously drunken spectators would play “Torro, torro” with the riders, leaping away at the last second. I was sure that there would be at least one too shitfaced to get out of the way in time.
Snake
April 15, 2005 at 8:23 am
25So when are they going to get it over with and start calling them the “Reagans”?
Pete in Van Diemen's Land
April 15, 2005 at 5:43 pm
26As an ex-motorcycle rider (with a broken back to show for all the fun) the remaining working bits of me do shudder when anything jumps in front of any bike. But I’m sure there’s be an advertising market for the “Torro de France”.
What is it with spectators getting in the way of drug-enhanced goal freaks (oops, I mean professional athletes). Shades of that wierdo who pops up at the marathons to trip up the selected athlete.
Mind you, I say this as a “spectator” of this blog… (Sir Spectatesalot?)
Jerry
April 16, 2005 at 3:10 pm
27Ah, baseball. Baseball isn’t a sport, it is a recreation. Baseball isn’t played on TV by swollen, puffy-headed million dollar a year celebs. That is not Baseball. Baseball is played by AAA teams or amateurs on warm summer nights, with the scent of fresh mown grass and hot dogs with spicy mustard wafting through the stands. It is played without outfield fences. It is played with heart, and not muscle. It’s fans cheer the opponents as well as the home team.
I’ll excerpt from George Carlin, who says it so much better than I could:
Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game.
Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park.The baseball park!
Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.
In baseball you wear a cap.
Baseball is concerned with ups - who’s up?
In baseball you make an error.
Baseball has the sacrifice.
In baseball, if it rains, we don’t go out to play.
Baseball has the seventh inning stretch.
Baseball has no time limit: we don’t know when it’s gonna end - might have extra innings.
In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there’s kind of a picnic feeling; emotions may run high or low, but there’s not too much unpleasantness.
In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I’ll be safe at home!
There is only one true sport played in the western world, and that is rugby!!! “A game for ruffians, played by gentlemen.” No time out, no subs (unless, I think, someone actually gets killed) and a set of rules that can be summed up on one page.
Now that is a sport!
hedera
April 16, 2005 at 6:09 pm
28Hey, Pete IVDL - how do I get you in touch with my boss? He’s a nice guy and he insists on going out on his days off and riding a dirt bike at high speeds up and down hills that would be in better shape if he didn’t do this. For that matter, HE would be in better shape if he didn’t do this. I still remember the time, shortly after I started to work for him, when I found him sitting in his office looking stunned; turned out he’d miscalculated a turn on his dirt bike the day before, come off it, and gone headfirst into a power stanchion at about 20 miles per hour. He still had a face because he has the minimal sense to spend a lot of money for his helmet. Why do guys find this sort of thing so alluring??
Pete in Van Diemen's Land
April 16, 2005 at 6:45 pm
29hedera, I think it’s because we think we’re indestructible. We ain’t. Of course, I’m a lucky one - I lived to learn all this crap. But with steel plates and titanium screws in my spine so I don’t flop over like a marionette, and a sufentanil (mega-morphine) pump in my chest so I don’t wake screaming every night, do I want to ride again? Sigh. You betcha. As a realist/scientist/engineer, I know all the reasons why I shouldn’t do things, but that danged Y-chromosome stops my brain from thinking through things.
Hold the phone - that could explain a lot of stuff - baseball, rugby, cricket, politics, organised religion…..
Jerry
April 16, 2005 at 7:33 pm
30Lobster, Pete, all I did was lose most of the skin off my thigh when I had to lay my scooter down!
hedera
April 16, 2005 at 9:11 pm
31Well, Pete, all I can say is we’re glad you survived, because your comments add great spice to these exchanges.
And “harangue” is what many of us do here, much of the time…
Pete in Van Diemen's Land
April 17, 2005 at 4:02 pm
32hedera, at the least, your boss is riding dirt bikes (where I started), so it’s just between him and the Immovable Objects - better than dodging “tin tops”, trying to stay in one piece in indifferent traffic.
Jerry, for all the broken bits (which can heal/be healed mostly), most riders HATE gravel rash above all else. It hurts like hell, seems to take forever to heal, and looks like crap. Great scabs, though!
Getting back to baseball… Like most sports, I guess it’s fun as long as it’s fun. When the little leaguers are pushed to be Simply The Best, then it starts to lose its power. I spose all parents want their kids to enjoy the game and be good at it, but when parents start arguing with umpires, the fun is gone. In VDL, we have similar issues with Aussie Rules (kind of a cross between gridiron, rugby, and vandalism) - umpires getting punched by parents who have forgotten what the game is really all about.
Jerry
April 17, 2005 at 7:21 pm
33Not just IVDL, my friend. We have had people actually KILL people over soccar (football)! Most places now parents have to sign a pledge to not even cheer! If they do, they are banned for the season. Talk about out of hand!!