It was a beautiful morning today, bright and sunny, and the promise of tonight’s sweet romance buoyed my already buoyant spirits. And though I’m not from the faith that technically believes in a “St. Valentine,” love’s universal, right? What, I asked myself, could possibly go wrong?
What indeed.
As I strolled down the street, I thought about tonight, and gave thanks for living in the enlightened world, where freedom is on the march and people can express themselves more or less however they please. Because tonight was going to be a celebration of love, and that sort of celebration can’t happen in the un-free parts of the world. Keep that in mind; it is our freedom that allows us to love. Will they be totally scoring in bedrooms around Iran tonight? I doubt it. But we’ll be doing just that! Awwwwww yeah…
Of course, there were some metaphorical dark clouds hanging overhead. My wife’s been on my case about the election. Apparently, she wanted to vote. Did you let your wives try to do that? Did they want to? Well, mine did, oh yes, yes she did. And failing that, she wanted to demonstrate. I love her, so I kept her at home. As I headed towards the florist, I silently thanked heaven for Valentine’s Day, which was sure to take her small, sparrow-like mind off of the subject.
The day wasn’t going to work out right, though. I should’ve taken in the omens, seen the signs, read the ol’ writing on the wall. F’rinstance, as I walked past the school. There was a clue. It was burning. Yes, the fire trucks were arriving, but there were still some little girls trapped inside. If only they’d been more modestly dressed though, they might have been saved. What kind of monstrous headmistress allows little girls to go around with their faces and arms bare during the day? As though it’s inconceivable that something like a fire might happen and their lack of decorum would be paid in blood… It made me furious to hear their screams as they were held back from leaving the burning academy. I would have offered them some last minute words of comfort, but I couldn’t look at them without risking pollution. Once again, a big “Thanks, Headmistress!” Very modern. Very cute. Now you’ve got a bunch of burned, dead girls and I’ve got a serious bummer hanging over my Valentine’s Day.
Anyway, when I got to florist, there was another surprise. No red roses. At least none on display. What? Isn’t this Valentine’s Day? Is he sold out, I wondered, or just holding out for the highest bidder? The florist turned his eyes down passively.
Undeterred, I asked after the roses a bit more forcefully, and the florist seemed to crack a bit. Pressing my case, I offered an exorbitant fee for the flowers, twice what I would have paid on any other day. Suddenly [surprise!] he changed his tune: Yes, yes there just might be some red roses left. He scuttled down to the basement and returned with - you guessed it - an admirably romantic bouquet of red roses for my deserving wife. Hallelujah! It’s amazing what a little insistence can do. A pain in the ass, sure, but it was all going to work out fine, I thought…
That is, until the police burst in and caught me holding the bouquet. Red-handed, as it were…
So now I’m in prison. I shoulda seen the signs. I should have just bought my wife some candy. But no, I had to be the Big Romantic…
I can’t blame anyone but myself. I crossed the line. A free society has to have rules, or else the freedom-hating terrorists have truly won. So my loss will be my family’s gain - they’ll know what they can and can’t do in a really immediate way, they’ll learn from my mistakes. That’s what freedom is all about.
Fanny Roborat
15 comments
Harold
February 14, 2005 at 7:27 am
1Chin up, Adam. Maybe they’ll just cut your hands off. Or, if you’re lucky, your head.
Brian
February 14, 2005 at 8:49 am
2Maybe it’s time for you to move to Canada?
Mary
February 14, 2005 at 11:50 am
3When were the roses outlawed? I thought it was the insurgents that were against roses, not the Transitional Governmen. The Americans lied to us again!
dee
February 14, 2005 at 12:54 pm
4Just remember, when you defy the government by buying roses, we’re with you. When you stop by Al-Hallmark on the way home and sneak a Valentine into that pile of “Happy Muharram” cards, we’re with you. When you snuggle with the missus for some let’s-try-that-thing-we-saw-on-the-hotel-movie-channel-on-our-last-tri p-to-France boot bangin’, we’re with you.
David
February 14, 2005 at 12:56 pm
5A Valentine’s bouquet of self-determination to the Iraqi people from the White House? Only after the grand petroleum-based screwing has been properly arranged and Iraqis are willing to lie down and spread ‘em. The US is on a holy mission, and only the missionary position will do, with us on top.
Meanwhile, democratic elections in THE KINGDOM? For the love of Lobster, I guess farce, like ignorance, knows no bounds,
Allison in Santa Cruz
February 14, 2005 at 1:19 pm
6So, I’m guessing that in a month or so we’ll read about a ban on the color green in Saudi florist shops.
I’m one of those anti-capitalism left-wing radicals who doesn’t do Valentine’s Day. I know, I’m supposed to do my part to shore up the economy by buying a hokey card or some skimpy lingerie for my husband, but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let Hallmark or Vicki’s Secret tell me what day I should be romantic. And my husband gets to not do anything for Valentine’s Day, absolutely guilt-free.
Ah, freedom. . .
norbizness
February 14, 2005 at 1:44 pm
7I don’t know what Adam is talking about, Uncle Bandar. Please accept this and a thousand other apologies from millions of other Americans who bless you and your offspring daily for your gift of sweet, nourishing oil.
Murray
February 14, 2005 at 5:34 pm
8It was only yesterday that I told my loving wife that Valentine’s day is for cads who abuse, cheat on, and ignore, their lover all year, so that on one day they can make a great display and show how much they truly love them.
It is also designed for women to once again show how worthless the man, (who tells them each and every day that he love her, listens to her problems, holds her when the world presses in, stands by her no matter what), is, because he can’t find the perfect gift that he should know that she should want. (The exact composition of which could change momentarily but if he REALLY loved her he would KNOW).
To my great fortune, I was sick as a dog (if my latest comments seemed even more muddle-headed this might sort of explain it), and I was excused.
The best thing I can say about Saudi Arabia is that it is no longer the official country of my son-in-law. As of 2 weeks ago he became an American citizen, (it got stretched out an extra 4 years) much to the GREAT relief of us Ashcroft fearing folks.
Jerry
February 14, 2005 at 7:28 pm
9I agree with dee. Well, not so much “with you” as here at home silently wishing you well. With the curtains drawn. Toasting your courage from a good old American short dog of fortified wine; nothing “Frenchy” like champagne…
Damn, David! Where did you meet the girls that would trust until after the screwing for the bouquet? Of course, I never tried cutting off their water, power, access to health care, and turned their neighborhood into a free-fire zone. That does seem to have a wonderful calming effect on the “making demands” situation.
katie
February 14, 2005 at 10:29 pm
10I’m missing something here….
What do red roses and/or Valentine’s day have to do with our friends in the middle east?
I looked for a handy link into bizzaro land to give me a clue but I couldn’t find one.
OR, maybe I’m just having a ditzy-redhead moment and the whole post went soaring above my head….
Bob
February 15, 2005 at 12:13 am
11Katie, go to the second-to-last paragraph and put your cursor over “I’m in prison” for a hyperlink to the article that explains the mystery.
I couldn’t see it either, at first. Not that I’m getting old or anything. Excuse me, gotta tell some kids to get off the lawn.
Katie
February 15, 2005 at 3:00 pm
12Bob:
THANK YOU! I thought I had finally lost my grasp on irony and mocking humor in this bizarro land we are forced to live in.
Katie
Jerry
February 15, 2005 at 8:09 pm
13Murray,
Congratulations to your son-in-law. Please extend him my best, and my hope that he understands the situation.
He really does have to take some personal responsibility for the extra time it took for him to become a citizen, though. After all, he probably entered the country legally, under his own name, had a valid visa, kept the INS apprised of any changes in his address, jumped through all the hoops, and so on. Of course they concentrated on him!! If he didn’t tie them down to their desks with all this information allowing them to file neat reports with all the boxes filled in, they might have had to go out and do the “hard work” (which is as abhorrant to the administration as are “thinking things through,” “taking good advice,” and “planning”) of locating Saudis and others who kept “tricking” them, and eventually played that big practical joke. *Ironic* , isn’t it?
Murray
February 16, 2005 at 5:32 pm
14Jerry,
I think that the only reason he could become an American citizen was that:
1. He has been married to my daughter for 12 years and they have 2 children.
2. He’s Lutheran. Had he been a Muslim, now way.
Vendetta
October 24, 2005 at 2:48 pm
15Program on the emergence of civilization.
“14 species of large animals capable of domesitcation in the history of mankind.
13 from Europe, Asia and northern Africa.
None from the sub-Saharan African continent. ”
Favor.
And disfavor.
They point out Africans’ failed attempts to domesticate the elephant and zebra, the latter being an animal they illustrate that had utmost importance for it’s applicability in transformation from a hunting/gathering to agrarian-based civilization.
The roots of racism are not of this earth.
Austrailia, aboriginals:::No domesticable animals.
The North American continent had none. Now 99% of that population is gone.
AIDS in Africa.
Organizational Heirarchy
Heirarchical order, from top to bottom:
1. MUCK - perhaps have experienced multiple universal contractions (have seen multiple big bangs), creator of the artificial intelligence humans ignorantly refer to as “god”
2. Perhaps some mid-level alien management
3. Mafia (evil) aliens - runs day-to-day operations here and perhaps elsewhere (On planets where they approved evil.)
Terrestrial management:
4. Chinese/egyptians - this may be separated into the eastern and western worlds
5. Romans - they answer to the egyptians
6. Mafia - the real-world interface that constantly turns over generationally so as to reinforce the widely-held notion of mortality
7. Jews, corporation, women, politician - Evidence exisits to suggest mafia management over all these groups.
Movies foreshadowing catastrophy
1985 James Bond View to a Kill 1989 San Francisco Loma Prieta earthquake.
Many Muslims are being used like the Germans and Japanese of wwii::being used to hurt others and envoke condemnation upon their people.
I wish I could find a source to educate many Muslim fundamentalists. Muhammad is alive. He is a man chosen like Jesus Christ and, due to his historical status, will live forever.
They can affect the weather and Hurricane Katrina was accomplished for many reasons and involves many interests, as anything this historical is::
1. Take heat off Sheenhan/Iraq, protecting profitable war machine/private war contracts
2. Gentrification. New Orleans median home price of $84k is among the lowest in major American cities, certainly among desirable cities.
Our society gives clues to the system in place. We all have heard the saying “He has more money than god.” There is also an episode of the Simpsons where god meets Homer and says “I’m too old and rich for this.”
This is the system on earth because this is the system everywhere.
god is evil because of money.
I don’t want to suggest the upper eschelons are evil and good is the fringe.
But they have made it abundantly clear that doing business with evil won’t help people. They say only good would have the ear, since evil is struggling for survival, and therefore only they could help me.
The clues are there which companies are good and which are evil, but they conceal it very hard because it is so crucial.
I offer an example of historical proportions:::
People point to Walmart and cry “anti-union”.
Unions enable disfavored people to live satisfactorly without addressing their disfavor. This way their family’s problems are never resolved. Without the union they would have to accept the heirarchy, their own inferiority.
Unions serve to empower.
Yes, there are many implications here, from the 60s to civil rights (which got ugly thereafter), music, movements, etc.
Walmart is anti-union because they are good. They try to help people address and resolve their problems.
Media ridicule, lawsuits, creations to reinforce people’s belief that Walmart is evil.
Why is that important? Because there’s a cutoff date.
And that date may have been 2000.
Amercia is a country of castoffs, rejects. “Italy sent its criminals.” “Malcontents.”
Between the thrones, the klans and kindred, they “decided” who they didn’t want and acted, creating discontent and/or starvation.
The u.s. is full of disfavored rejects. As far as the Rockafellers, Waltons and Fords go, I suspect these aren’t their real names. I suspect they were chosen to go and head this new empire.
Jesus Christ is a religious figure of evil. These seperatist churches formed so they could still capture the rest of the white people, keeping them worshipping the wrong god.
And now they do it to people of color, Latinos and Asians, after centuries of preying upon them. “Only disfavored Asians.”
Simpson’s foreshadowing::Helloween IV special, Flanders is Satan. “Last one you ever expect.”
“You’ll see lots of nuns where you’re going:::hell!!!” St. Wigham, Helloween VI, missionary work, destroying cultures.
Over and over, the Simpsons was a source of enlightenment, and a target of ridicule by the system which wishes to conceal its secrets.
Jews maim the body formed in the image of “god”, and inflicted circumsision upon all other white people. I believe Islam is the one true religion, and those misled christians who attack “god’s” most favored people will pay for it dearly one day.