I won’t be offering my annual “State of the Union Drinking Game” this year. There are several reasons.
1) I just don’t have time. We tremendously important “TV People” have neither the time nor inclination to worry about old, outmoded institutions like governments. If you were to walk into my office and pitch a “State of the Union Address” broadcast, I’d be asking you, “Where are the tie-ins? Can it be the ‘Nokia State of the Union Address?” and “Okay, so this important guy is speaking - where’s your Act 2 cliffhanger?” and “Old guys at a podium? Maybe you haven’t HEARD about the 18-25 demo?” And then I’d show you the door. No, then I’d have my assistant find someone to show you the door.
2) The rules wouldn’t be all that different from last year’s game. I’d probably add a couple of rules involving the word “freedom,” a mandatory sip every time a “quip” is indicated by a smirk and a pause, and a special “straw man bonus” for every time Bush invents a dumb liberal (”There are some who say that Middle Easterners have no thumbs and thus can’t vote, but I say…”) but the song remains the same.
3) The whole concept has become overdone. You can find several State of the Union Drinking Games on the web today. Search ‘em out. Play ‘em. Bonus points for the person who can play the most versions of the game simultaneously (or perhaps those bonus points will have to be awarded to player’s next of kin).
4) I’m not sure it should be a game anymore. There’s too much risk that my predictive powers will fail and that you might not be blind drunk by the end of the speech. I don’t want to have that responsibility hanging over me - if you’re sober enough to hear Aaron Brown utter the word “statesmanlike” after the speech, that’s on your head. My advice is to drink early and often.
Fanny Roborat
42 comments
Sue
February 2, 2005 at 5:01 pm
1From the previous post (and the one before that):
Murray:
Good suggestion for the game. The only thing is I’d maybe consider anything POTUS says hilarious, no big deal, stupid, wrong or - unfortunately - criminal. But he probably can’t be held liable if none of the ideas was original with him.
Bonne chance at the bar, troops!
bjd
February 2, 2005 at 5:36 pm
2I’m going to be at a DemocracyForAmerica meeting. Um, er………. I don’t really have anything funny to add………
LAKE TITICACA!
denise
February 2, 2005 at 5:42 pm
3Gee Adam…you sound a little down….ya want fries, ummm, I mean some prozac, with that???
Ya mon…drink! drink often and BEFORE the show starts tonite.
I personally think it SHOULD be called the Nokia-Dokia Don’t Mess With Texas State Of The Dysunion Address.
Haint no pra-lem wi ME mon, his pra-lem fur yu?
dee
February 2, 2005 at 6:15 pm
4So far this one seems the simplest (and when one is drinking, simple is good)
Wonkette has one, too — she’s also going to be blogging in real time.
bjd
February 2, 2005 at 6:22 pm
5Okay, something kind of funny. Here is Will Durst’s version of the SOTU drinking game:
http://www.alternet.org/columnists/story/21155/
David
February 2, 2005 at 8:33 pm
6The Chicago ward maxim: early and often. I would have to be falling down drunk to endure another SOTU address by the Bozo-in-Chief, and then the sound would have to be muted, with some seriously kick-ass poetry slamming on the stereo, especially if it could be keyed to a robust motherfucker everytime His Arrogance smirks, which could mean just repeating motherfucker for the duration.
Loved the LAKE TITICACA outburst. The third and fourth syllables combine to name what will issue forth from His Duplicitousness for the duration of the SOTU.
Lead-free white lightning is the best choice. Undiluted, it slides down, then kicks the living shit out of you (whatever isn’t absorbed by your tongue before you can swallow it).
Your Southern Connection
Emmarie
February 2, 2005 at 9:32 pm
7Listening right now and very much wishing I could get drunk. This is awful. It’s been patronizing and insulting all in one.
tess
February 2, 2005 at 9:57 pm
8I think I’ll sit this one out. I need my braincells, and the thought of listening to Bu(ll)sh(it) and being drunk at the same time would probably cause me to lose all motor function. Listening to Bu(ll)sh(it) would probably drop my IQ more than enough, thank you very much.
Murray
February 2, 2005 at 10:00 pm
9My father-in-law has a good idea; he’s dipping his finger in brown paint to show what he thinks of Bush’s speech.
I did the only thing I could think of to keep my own overactive demons at bay. Watching W would have depressed and angered me, getting shitfaced wouldn’t have helped much either. So I watched a movie on HBO and worked on my stained glass. Kept the Bombay Sapphire on the shelf.
I feel pretty good right now.
I’ve got all day tomorrow listening to the news of W’s speech to get depressed.
Mike Z
February 2, 2005 at 10:24 pm
10I was too mesmerized by the radiantly red tie to really pay any attention to the speech.
Murray
February 2, 2005 at 10:40 pm
11Way off the subject.
Today I subbed in a 3rd grade, (easy and mostly fun, I even brought my owl), but in the middle of the day, they had Bible Leave.
I’d never heard of such a thing.
Every Wednesday, someone comes from one of the local churches and takes the children who wish to go along, for an hour and a half bible study. The kids who are left behind do phonics or other work.
I asked the guidance councilor if this were legal and she said she didn’t know, but that’s what they do.
I can’t imagine that it could be. Dividing the children into saved and left behind was what the Supreme Court was trying to prevent when they outlawed not only prayer but a moment of silence. Also, how can you teach something to some of the kids and not others?
I’m not looking to put my self out of work. I’m also not sure that anyone else is worried about this. But it was an eye opener.
David
February 2, 2005 at 11:24 pm
12Murray,
It’s one of those abominations with potential serious long term side effects, but you are a sub. It’s not your direct fight. That is the responsibility of teachers with continuing contracts and a strong union. You’ll have to fight indirectly, and in ways that don’t take the food off your table. We aren’t far enough gone to require that.
Your father-in-law’s finger in the brown paint is a wonderful gesture. Tell him there is at least one new recruit for the brown finger salute out there in Felberland.
And do yourself a favor. Avoid the stenographic, spineless mainstream news tomorrow, even NPR. One’s soul needs an occasional day of rest from all Bush, all day, and into the night.
BROWN PAINT, FINGER HEAVENWARD (God will understand)
dee
February 2, 2005 at 11:31 pm
13Woohoo! Wake Forest 92 Duke 89
Sumpin else goin’ on tonight?
norbizness
February 2, 2005 at 11:34 pm
14The Sundance Channel did me the favor of showing The Battle of Algiers at 8 pm CST. And I still got shitfaced. Like some proto-yuppie financing his first Hyundai, I think this means I win.
Mike Z
February 3, 2005 at 12:04 am
15Murray - I assume the most serious legal aspect of the biblical segregation is whether public school funds are supporting this somehow. If this person is not paid by sate funds and they don’t do it on school grounds, then perhaps the kids are not legally prohibitted from leaving school for a little while every Wednesday.
However, the state may also have some laws about students needing to be in school for a certain number of hours per week on average, or prohibiting some non-employee from taking them away during school hours. If so, then they might be forced to admit that they are violating one or the other of those laws.
From an educational perspective, the gentiles and heathens left behind are probably going to kick ass in phonics over the more pious kids.
Mike Z
February 3, 2005 at 12:08 am
16Oops…did I say “gentiles and heathens”? I meant “Jews and heathens.”
WWDTMfan
February 3, 2005 at 12:41 am
17What do you mean, you don’t have time, Adam? Get that Peter Sagal guy back here toots sweet. He used to blog several times a day. (Of course, he had easy material with the IL Senate race).
But Peter was an eager newcomer who gave his all, not a seasoned veteran who only gives his all in the clutch.
Linkmeister
February 3, 2005 at 1:55 am
18Speaking of the estimable Mr. Sagal, where the heck has he been on WWDTM? I’ve got nothing against Brian, but I miss Sagal’s giggle.
David
February 3, 2005 at 2:22 am
19Damned, norbizness, why the hell didn’t I think to check Sundance. Shoulda known they’d come through. And dee, the Deamon Deacons over the Blue Devils, huh? Means I got a bud in NC who’s cheering with you. Would have to guess he’s shit-faced one way or the other. If you’re familiar with WNCW, I escaped with Uncle Dave tonight.
Sue
February 3, 2005 at 8:25 am
20OK, Kids, Hold the Presses!!! Today’s newspaper announces Mark Burnett coming out with a *Martha Stewart* Apprentice (OK, it’s not that new - but the nickel dropped)….didja notice Mr Felber wasn’t all that specific about *which* “Apprentice” he’s working on?!!??!! (Must be the George Tenant effect).
In the words of Laura Petrie, “Ohhhhh, Adaaaaamm.”
Murray - you had the owl in class and the kids still went to Bible study??? It’s too late, my friend - they’re gone
Vinft
February 3, 2005 at 9:13 am
21I think my television is broken. The same weird show seemed to be on every channel, where some talking chimp was saying all of these ridiculous things and half of his audience stood and cheered, and the other half didn’t really seem to come into view. And the things the chimp was saying - I didn’t think chimps were that stupid! I don’t know, maybe it was just some horrible nightmare, or maybe I ate the worm when I hit the bottom of the bottle.
But seriously, I really think they could have dispensed with the contrived hug and replaced it with a shot of Cheney hugging the Iraqi oil minister. Now THAT would have been heartwarming.
Mary
February 3, 2005 at 9:58 am
22You know times are tough when a POTUS can take the fun out of drinking.
Didn’t watch. Didn’t have the stomach for it. As I was at work till 8:30pm (one more 12 hour day), I was too tired to do anything but have a drink and pet the dogs. Ultimately better for my health
Thompson
February 3, 2005 at 10:05 am
23(Neatly ducking the SOU addy)
Unger’s been getting better as his time in the chair’s gone on. I still wish they’d subbed in adam.
Ooh. Or, better yet, just as a gesture of kindness, they could have slipped in Ira. “Here, this is to make up for all those times we made you play ‘Not My Job.’ And we promise, next time, we won’t duct tape you to the chair and wheel you in.”
David
February 3, 2005 at 10:05 am
24My question: Where are the French absurdists when there’s so much material for them to draw from?
What you saw on tv last night was Phase Three of the imposition by aliens of an alternate reality on what we thought was our known universe.
Vinft, you actually ate the bottle at the bottom of the worm.
Ah, the promise of the Bush Dynasty and the Reign of The Christ from the Oval Office. What a day of rejoicing this should be.
We’re in hog heaven down here in the Peninsular Slave State for Bush.
Thompson
February 3, 2005 at 11:06 am
25I refuse to believe that this is part of an alien invasion. It would take a human being to screw things up this badly.
And I think the French absurdists took one look at the whole situation and just threw up their hands in inadequacy, realizing the only way they could capitalize on all of this would be to take jobs in journalism.
Hm. There’s an interesting idea. “This is ABC, the Absurdist Broadcasting Company–bringing you the news since the moment it became stranger than us. And now, the weather, in mime.”
Jerry
February 3, 2005 at 12:28 pm
26Fer g*d’s sake, haven’t you been watching? A committee of the finest absurdists have been ghost writing the script for politics in the US for years, now. It is a vast performance art piece. The ghost of Ionesco has been directing. The ghost of Beckett is special consultant on parts for the left/progressive characters. A little out of place, but not really all that suprising, Frederick De Cordova was in charge of script-approval and dialog for the White House unit, until his death just aftet 9/11; his ghost has been conjured to continue the work. (De Cordova is also fondly remembered for his similar work with Reagan.)
Nathaniel Finney
February 3, 2005 at 12:48 pm
27%syn(Cool|Nice|Rulezz)% %syn(blog,|portal| site ! I)% hope to make %syn(my own|own weblog|my diary)%, not worse than yours
Deno the Untergeek
February 3, 2005 at 12:54 pm
28Gee, does this mean that Voltaire’s been writing our foreign policy?
Jerry
February 3, 2005 at 1:00 pm
29Actually, I think Voltaire has been doing PR on the domestic front, trying to convince us this is the best of all possible worlds.
Deno the Untergeek
February 3, 2005 at 7:46 pm
30Touche!
David
February 3, 2005 at 8:49 pm
31I stand corrected. Who’d a thunk it? The intellectual forbears to a bunch of cheese-eating surrender monkeys are the genii behind this grand spectacle.
sb
February 3, 2005 at 11:56 pm
32“Yesterday we had Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address.
It was an ironic juxtaposition: One involved a meaningless ritual in which we looked to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication and the other involved a groundhog.”
Adam, does the new job mean you’ll have to change your FA byline to include your new title “TV Person”?
Kelli
February 4, 2005 at 9:39 am
33I am not entirely certain that I want to know the state of the Union, although I have a fairly good idea and the barest contemplation has led to the invention of a new “game”:
Turn off the radio and drink instead.
David
February 4, 2005 at 1:17 pm
34Dammit,
Ossie Davis died today.
Jerry
February 4, 2005 at 2:50 pm
35David
Goodbye,Pearly Victorious, who farted in our faces when we deserved it. What a loss.
NLB
February 4, 2005 at 3:28 pm
36Ernst Mayr died, too. With him and Gould gone, I’m afraid that we’ll be seeing a lot more science books with the Hail Mary printed on the inside cover for good measure. Courtesy of the Central Intelligent Design Agency.
fylo
February 4, 2005 at 4:35 pm
37What seems clear about the State of the Union is that the country will continue to run on “faith based intelligence” instead of that Godless imperical process of bygone days.
Jerry
February 4, 2005 at 4:53 pm
38“faith based intelligence”
why do I feel all tingly?
Here are a couple links I think are really worth while:
1,
2
3
Jim
February 4, 2005 at 6:37 pm
39Pope recovering
Evolutionary biologist Ernst Mayer dies
Proof of the existence of God?
David
February 4, 2005 at 6:51 pm
40?doG fo ecnetsixe eht fo foorP
How you gonna argue with foorP? Huh?
Jim
February 4, 2005 at 8:51 pm
41So david, are you saying that the factors work in either direction, or did my post appear backward?
Ergo: hell on earth for the sickly pope and final release for the evolutionary biologist = Proof that The Giant Lobster exists.
That said, my tongue is so firmly planted in my cheek that it has taken root and will soon bloom to enable the kind of double-speak that may get me in elected office.
David
February 4, 2005 at 10:14 pm
42Jim,
In the reign of Georgvs II, nothing seems to be working sensibly in any direction.
I knew where your tongue was. I do have some neighbors, however, who would be dead serious if they were to say it. I could hear their amens in my mind’s ear even as I read you post. But then as a son of the Deep South, I’ve been surrounded pretty much my whole life. If it weren’t for Blacks, the South would make no political sense at all.
What happened was - hell, I really have no idea what happened, except suddenly foorP just had this hypnotic appeal, and from there it was all downhhill.
Running on in this insane vein that has possessed me, I think we should fly crop dusters across the Peninsular Slave State for Bush spreading Viagra. Then Bush would have the option, as C in C, of screwing Bermuda.