I’m not qualified to eulogize Johnny Carson. Okay, I’m not really qualified to eulogize anyone. I’m more of a wedding-toast-and-birthday-party kind of guy, dependable to stay just sober enough to get some decent laughs without getting beaten up afterwards by the bride’s brothers behind the catering hall. Okay, usually, but in my defense let me just say that though I regret the Melville reference, that was one indisputably large bride.

Anyway, I’m particularly unqualified to eulogize Johnny. He was an institution by the the time I was born, and my early forays into late night TV were weekend appointments with SNL and SCTV. By the time I was staying up late on weeknights, “The Tonight Show” was merely a pleasant appetizer. It was a gateway drug to the harder stuff, and the harder stuff was David Letterman, who could make me laugh until I drooled and helped launch me into a lifetime of being completely useless before noon.

But Dave loved Johnny, which made me a fan by association. And it was more than just historical curiosity; even as he waned as a cultural force, he was the Sara Lee of comedy - it was hard to find anyone who didn’t like him. Half of the fun of Dave was the way he used the structure that Johnny had fixed in place as a jungle gym. Letterman was a revolution without a rebellion, and even us snarky teens understood that.

I guess America’s belief in the mythological “generation gap” was beginning to fade in the 80’s, and we hadn’t yet created the newer, more dangerous divisive mythos that we live with today. By the time Johnny hit his 60’s it was no longer an unpardonable cultural sin to be un-young. And he retired before anyone could lambaste him for being a part of the vast liberal biased blue state media elite.

In other words, he had great timing to go along with his great timing.

When Johnny made fun of Nixon, Reagan and Bush, he wasn’t a liberal media mouthpiece waging a cultural war on mainstream American values. When he mocked Johnson, Carter, and Ted Kennedy he wasn’t a conservative stooge repressing freedom while kowtowing to his evil corporate overlords. He was just a talented, likable midwestern guy who found himself in Hollywood telling jokes that he thought were funny. Even when he was applying the definitive foot to Nixon’s ass, he wasn’t a shadowy force of bias. He was a good comedian doing his job, saying what was on his mind and featuring guests that he thought merited airtime.

Do such guys exist nowadays? Of course not. How could they? Everything you see and hear today is produced by the masterminds of one of the two distinct cabals who are pushing their agenda on America. These dark associations are easy to spot - most of their members are the ones who deny that their conspiracies exist! A dead giveaway. And the damage that they do is devastating: Unlike a couple of decades ago, today we know that most Americans can no longer form their own opinions and can be swayed by hearing too many of the relentless lies put forth by one camp or the other. Not us of course, but our neighbors are extremely weak-minded and vulnerable to sophisticatedly crafted influence. Not from our side, where folks just speak their minds, but from the other side, where carefully calibrated and disingenuous “opinions” are disseminated to mouthpieces through an almost invisible network to achieve nefarious ends.

Today, we Americans are sophisticated and savvy enough to know that we’re gullible and weak-minded, and we’re sure as hell not going to let any evil-intentioned establishment brainwash us into thinking that we should be responsible for our own thoughts. That’s how they get you!

A lot is going to be said this week about Johnny Carson’s wit, his class, his kindness, his judgment, and above all his grace. He had all of those things. But so did we. Maybe to a lesser extent, but we had it. It deserves a little bit of mourning too.