From The New York Times:
BAGHDAD, Iraq, Jan. 3 - Hours after a wave of bombing attacks that left at least 20 people dead on Monday, Prime Minister Ayad Allawi telephoned President Bush and discussed the many impediments still facing the country as it heads toward elections in 27 days…
The officials insisted that Dr. Allawi, Iraq’s interim leader, did not tell Mr. Bush that the elections should be delayed, though his defense minister said in Cairo on Monday that the voting could be postponed to ensure greater participation by Sunnis. “There was no substantive conversation about delay,” a senior administration official said. Dr. Allawi, the official said, “wasn’t even a bit wobbly” on that point.
“Clearly the thinking on this is still in motion in Baghdad,” a senior administration official said Monday evening. “And President Bush is holding firm,” the official said, telling Dr. Allawi that the Iraqi government has met every deadline so far, including assuming power from the United States in June.
___________________________________________________
BUSH: Ayad! The A-man! The Allawi Wowie. How are ya?
ALLAWI: Okay. Pretty good.
BUSH: Great. That’s just great. Happy New Year.
ALLAWI: And to you.
BUSH: Thanks! Hey, look, someone gave me a new desk calendar already. They’re fast around here. You got a desk calendar, A-man?
ALLAWI: Yes, yes I do.
BUSH: Well I’m glad. They’re super.
ALLAWI: Yes, quite useful.
[pause]
ALLAWI: So, the elections are coming up, and I just wanted to talk about some of the, er, obstacles and impediments.
BUSH: Yeah, there are challenges. It’s hard work.
ALLAWI: Yes, hard work. And I understand the idea of delaying them is…
BUSH: …outa the question.
ALLAWI: Right.
[pause.]
BUSH: So, what can I do for you?
ALLAWI: Um… so what we’re saying here is that the elections must go forward in 27 days despite the mounting violence, threatened boycotts, unstable atmosphere, and the probability of voter intimidation or worse. And all this must be done without raising US troop levels.
BUSH: Yep. Freedom’s on the march. Heh, you know, I say that a lot, but I just realized that this means that freedom has feet. Heh heh. Freedom feet. Heh.
ALLAWI: Clever.
BUSH: Toes too.
ALLAWI: That would follow.
BUSH: Heh heh. The wigglin’ toes of freedom. Sounds like a song.
ALLAWI: So, about those impediments-
BUSH: Yeah, it sure would be nice to clear those up. Maybe after the election.
ALLAWI: We clear up the impediments to the election after the election?
BUSH: Why not? Gimme one reason.
ALLAWI: Logical impossibility comes to mind…
BUSH: See, after the election, all those impediments will seem small, because you’ve just gone and done it. Like ripping off a band-aid or having intimate relations with the missus. Trust me.
ALLAWI: But if we delayed the election…
BUSH: Stop.
ALLAWI: But-
BUSH: Look, I’m sort of thinking that you called me just now to see if you could delay the elections.
ALLAWI: No! Of course not. I wanted to discuss challenges and impediments.
BUSH: Great! Freedom’s on the march. Hey, there was some kinda joke about that a minute ago, right? Something really funny…
ALLAWI: Okay, okay! I WANT TO DELAY THEM!
BUSH: Really?
ALLAWI: Of course! What else could I possibly want to discuss about the elections? What else could you, the President, possibly offer me? What good could possibly come out of this phone call besides delaying the election?
BUSH: Now hold on, there could be other reasons… Maybe you called to get my wise advice on how to deal with the electoral challenges ahead of you.
ALLAWI: Your “wise advice?”
BUSH: Sure.
ALLAWI: Okay. Fine. Go ahead.
BUSH: With what?
ALLAWI: The advice.
BUSH: Maybe I will!
ALLAWI: Good, I’m excited to hear it.
BUSH: Well, I’m gonna give it to you, then.
ALLAWI: That’s great.
BUSH: Gonna advise the fuck outa you, smartass.
ALLAWI: Hope you do. Advise away.
[pause.]
ALLAWI: Standing by…
[pause.]
ALLAWI: Waiting for that advice…
BUSH: Okay, I got nothing.
ALLAWI: AHA! So can we talk about delay-
BUSH: No. You’re a free country now, and you’re gonna do exactly what we tell you when we tell you to do it. Got it? GOT IT?
ALLAWI: I got it.
BUSH: Good… Feet! That was it. That was that joke you made about freedom having feet. You kill me, A-Man. A-Man? Are you there?
[Bush shrugs, hangs up]
Fanny Roborat
17 comments
Ananna
January 4, 2005 at 4:32 am
1Standing by…
Hehe. He got it alright.
Love,
Hanna
Murray
January 4, 2005 at 9:29 am
2Ahh…Sweet fantasy, nothing like it to chase those pesky factoids away. And so useful for the budget too.
norbizness
January 4, 2005 at 10:18 am
3B: “Ever seen one of those ‘Hang in There’ posters with a kitten dangling from a clothesline?”
A: “Sure. Except here the kittens are carrying RPG launchers and blowing up my bodyguards.”
B: “Wow. Those are some tough kitties. Wait, that sounds funny, kind of like ‘tough titty’.”
A: “If we just had…”
B: “T.T. to you, jackass! That brush won’t clear itself!”
[hangs up with extreme prejudice]
tess
January 4, 2005 at 10:50 am
4And to think, the Iraqi election would probably be more fair than the one we just had. Of course, that assumes that the polls are monitored by UN election observers who aren’t afraid of getting “accidentally” blown up by our own troops.
Mary
January 4, 2005 at 11:16 am
5Tess- I fear accidents by our troops would be the least of their worries.
Alawi: I realize you won’t negotiate with yourself, Mr. President, but couldn’t you negotiate with us?
Bush: No can do, A-Man. I have a legacy to consider.
Alwai: And holding compromised elections in Iraq would help that how?
Bush: Don’t make me have to send Condi over there.
Boofus McGoofus
January 4, 2005 at 1:33 pm
6I thought his legacy was going to be compromised elections EVERYWHERE.
Steve
January 4, 2005 at 2:05 pm
7The scary thing is that I can hear Bush’s whiny, nasal voice saying those exact things.
NLB
January 4, 2005 at 2:31 pm
8I agree, Steve - I could actually hear every second of that conversation. Especially the staccato, breathy “heh, heh” that must have punctuated the toes joke.
Anyone else desperately fighting a mental image brought on by the “relations with the missus” line?
Lynne
January 4, 2005 at 3:02 pm
9Oh, NLB, the idea is enough to put you off your food. Use that image in Junior High to promote abstinence. Obviously it worked for them, two kids, on pregnancy.
Freedom is on the march, the freedom to do exactly as we tell you.
tess
January 4, 2005 at 4:49 pm
10I think the idea of Lynne and Dick Cheney getting it on is far more gruesome, disturbing, and horrifying to anyone under the age of “dead” into never having sex or anything sexual ever again. I can imagine that broadcasting “that act” as between those two worldwide would cause a steep decline in birthrate.
BTW, did Lynne write “Sisters” before or after marrying Dick?
tim
January 4, 2005 at 6:03 pm
11The FA comments section (although not FA itself) was banned by my work net nanny today, category: pornography. All I can say is, you guys are going to have to post a lot more smut to justify this classification than I’ve seen to date.
tess
January 4, 2005 at 7:04 pm
12Hrm, I would quote long exerpts from that smutty Republican novel “Sisters,” but it seems that the woman who was posting on her blog got shut down. Here’s the best I can do:
“The women who embraced in the wagon were Adam and Eve crossing a dark cathedral stage — no, Eve and Eve, loving one another as they would not be able to once they ate of the fruit and knew themselves as they truly were.”
I guess too many people were having hot ‘n’ heavy lesbian experiences, or too many people were going into convulsions from the prose.
Emmarie
January 4, 2005 at 7:41 pm
13I don’t even understand it…
Something the president ought to remember: if you rip off the bandaid too soon, the wound gets infected.
*ominous music*
Bob
January 4, 2005 at 11:04 pm
14Tim, what we’re talkin’ here is Republicans having sex. Anything more obscene than that, and I don’t want to know about it.
Jerry
January 6, 2005 at 11:52 am
15tess -
Not to worry! The Iraqi elections will be monitored! Lead by Canada, the other countries contributing will be Britain, Indonesia, Mexico, Panama and Albania.
Of course, it is a tad dangerous on the ground, so the poll watchers will be stationed in Jordan. But still, what could be more reassuring ?!
Jerry
January 6, 2005 at 2:29 pm
16and…
Ya want smut, try this!
Here is the text of “Sisters.” One might think, from this, that nurture, not nature, is a big determinant of sexuality! Let’s ask Mary.
The blindingly brilliant hypocracy of these people still astounds me. Why do these “Christians” quote the vengeful god of the old testament so much more than the the words attributed to Jesus? Just a rhetorical question…I know that we aren’t in the “dispensation” during which we (they) are expected to obey Jesus.
And who can’t love Bug-Killler DeLay, explaining that god was just eliminating a few foolish unbelievers with the tsunamis. I was just waiting to see how long it would take for one of these asses to ascribe the disaster to god’s hatred of Buhddists, Hindus, and Muslims.
As I read elsewhere, I hope there is a just god…these people deserve him.
Jerry
January 6, 2005 at 2:44 pm
17Adam - PLEASE change your CSS so I can see the links. Old. Blind. Stupid. Tired of mouse-overing every word to find a link!!