Predictions for 2005

Unfortunately some of this might really happen.

- The War on Terror will…
Done that already.

- Martha Stewart…arrested for manslaughter, further “humanizing” her image.
Based, like her first indictment, on a bizarre and never-before-used interpretation of the law, like someone who once watched her show ran over a drunk walking in the freeway.

- The Super Bowl half-time show…”A Salute to Decency”…dancers waltzing…
Dancin’?! Don’t hold with dancin’ in my church. No wonder they will use the “m” word where little children can hear it!

- Elections in Iraq will be declared a huge success…
Wow, what a fearless prediction! “Success?!” Hell, I’m betting on nothing less than a stunning “catastrophic success!”

- Reality TV will finally jump the shark when UPN premieres “The Scam,”
If I understood that (or, actually, even if I didn’t) I’m sure you’re right. ‘Course, it’s gotten to the point that the first time I saw that commercial about the couple who have to live a year in a half-size house I thought it was real.

- The depths of the steroids-in-sports problem will become clear…
I’ll go with this, but the sports doping problem really reached it’s zenith years ago, when mothers, hoping to raise Olympic-class swimmers, took thalidomide.

- Underdog conservatives will continue to fight the good fight against the liberal forces that control our country. They’ll bravely try to parlay their firm grip on the Presidency, the Supreme Court, both houses of Congress, and the nation’s most-watched news network into some real power.
Praise G-d. This will take men and women of moral courage the likes of which we have not seen since Custer, Kit Carson, and Lt. Calley, but I’m sure this group has what it takes to lead all of us on our own “Long Walk.”

hedera - “the more things change…,” eh? Great quote.

W says that we need to cut back on discretionary spending and he vows to curtail spending. (Sort of like Charles Manson vowing not to jay walk any more). I predict that the deficit and debt will expand with the same ferocity as the Big Bang, Bush will declare financial victory, and 1/2 of America will believe him even though 85% of us will be selling apples and pencils on the street. (The rest will be counting their billions)

Bush is waiting for elections in Iraq so that he can declare military victory. I predict that the number of Americans and Iraqis killed in violence will continue to increase at an ever expanding rate requiring us to employ mathematicians to do the calculus needed to stay up with the figures.

Congress is spinning like whirling Dervishes on speed to protect Tom Delay from the ethics committee and well… to keep him out of jail,, and if he does go to jail, to preserve his position as majority leader, and just in case he gets the death penalty to continue after his demise. I predict that he will use his power to avoid all penalties and the people who voted in the Republicans to get rid of the corrupt Democrats, won’t notice.

The Republicans put in a provision in the Omnibus (ominous) bill that allows (Republican) chairmen to look at anyone’s tax returns. Of course it was only a rouge staffer who slid that in (wink wink). I predict that in 2005 even fewer legislators will read the bills that they vote on and one of the bills past will include a provision that requires Democrats who post anti-administration comments on websites to submit at least one kidney or liver to deserving Republicans.

So far the administration has replaced all of the mediocre cabinet members with the truly awful. I predict that if Chaney dies he will be replaced by Ollie North, or G. Gordon Liddy, or Tom Delay (and there are so many more to choose from).

Right now America is at a nadir of world opinion. I predict that now that W has a mandate it will be “no more Mr. Nice Guy, time to stick it to those foreign garbage sons of bitches”.

Each year Jean Dixon would get the cover of the National Enquirer to give her predictions for the coming year. To my knowledge she missed every one, every year, including her own death her last year.

I bet I do better.

My predictions:

A change in policy - Due to an unfortunate mispronunciation during the State of the Union address, the US will start a War on Terriers, resulting in the deportation of millions of yappy little dogs to Gitmo. In related news, Lynndie England’s sister Loretta is court-martialled for failing to keep a prisoner on a leash.

Iraqi election results - Due to a Sunni boycott, the inability of Shia to safely get to the polls, and complete disinterest on the part of the Kurds, votes in the Iraqi election are cast mostly by what political experts call “crazy bastards.” When the dust settles, a 23-vote margin of victory puts Clay Aiken in the winner’s circle. Aiken immediately releases a new single, “Iraq, You is My Country Now,” with “Don’t Blow Up My SUV, I Just Paid For It” on the B side.

Steriods abuse eliminated - Vowing to apply the same degree of critical thinking to the baseball drug scandal that it did to prescription drug relief for seniors, the Bush Administration announces a Steriod Discount Card for all professional sports players. As a result, the actual cost of steroids for athletes goes up 14,000%, thus eliminating the problem. But another situation develops by year’s end, as an ever-increasing number of players are seen stopping by Rush Limbaugh’s house for a “prayer meeting.”

Personal productivity increase - Bob will become ever-so-slightly more productive, but not if he keeps on doing this.

Murray:

I don’t think they’d replace a dead Cheney with Hunt or Liddy: Time for the president to get closer to his mocha-mama, Condi, even if he doesn’t want to sully his own gene pool with someone who’s a darker than “Southern French,” what’s to say that he wouldn’t with a woman whose uterus might be past its expiration date?

*shudder* *attempts to scrub mind with scouring pad and bleach*

Damn, that’s a horrifying and disgusting though. It’s worse than the Cheney puppet I won from Great Lakes Science and Novelty — I hung it up above my desk and so I am perpetually finding myself seeing Cheney’s sock-garters every time I look up. I need to find a way to take my mind out of the gutter.

Predictions:

France is blamed for US flu epidemic.

Bush pushes through tax reform bill making tax cuts permanent. Use of the word “deficit” is outlawed. Voodoo Economics becomes a proven solution.

In an unprecedented move to bi-lateralism, Adam Felber is named to head up new Department of Homeland Anxiety. Fanny the Robo-Rat and Triumph the Insult Dog named to key positions.

We can only hope

(once again, bravely avoiding the topic . . . ) does anybody have statistics on how many Iraqis have been killed since we’ve taken over their country compared to how many were killed under Saddam’s reign? How about an average based on the number of years he was running the country vs. the number of years we’ve been running the country? Just wondering if we’ve been doing our part to keep up the death-count there.

thank God. I thought that Damn Geico commercial was real, too…. and I don’t even watch reality TV!

Only reason I keep a TV is to watch the Vikings lose, and give my son his daily Animal Planet fix. (Venom ER and Crocodile Hunter are the current reigning favs..)

I was trying today to come up with a truly bizzare and darkly humorous prediction to add… couldn’t come up with anything outside the bounds of Republican Reality. Sigh. Thank God for Fanatical Apathy and WWDTM; without which, the world would be completely dark. Oh, and Chocolate. And Bailey’s.

On a happy note, my baby sister called on Christmas Eve and is supposed to leave her little tent in sandbox hell sometime later this month. I am holding my breath and waiting for the call that says she is stateside (oh frabjous day!), or at least at an airbase far, far away from Oz.

Fanatical right-wing Catholics in Orange County convince the diocese to forcefully remove 2 kindergarten boys from parochial school after learning the boys had been adopted by two gay men. After demanding that Catholic schools “accept only families that pledge to abide by Catholic teachings”, the irate parents will be successful in having almost all children expelled from Catholic schools nationwide. The Vatican will file for bankruptcy after discovering how many children have parents who have remarried without an annulment, are committing adultry, use birth control, lie, go to Mass only on Christmas and/or Easter, or ever ate meat on Friday when it was still a sin.

Cool, so we’re doing a better job than Saddam at clearing Iraq of those pesky Iraqis. It’ll certainly make the elections go quicker if we can further reduce the number of potential voters.