” But Social Security, as well, is a big item. And I campaigned on it, as you’re painfully aware, since you had to suffer through many of my speeches. I didn’t duck the issue like others have done have in the past. I said this is a vital issue and we need to work together to solve it. Now, the temptation is going to be, by well-meaning people such as yourself, John, and others here, as we run up to the issue to get me to negotiate with myself in public; to say, you know, what’s this mean, Mr. President, what’s that mean?”
- President Bush, from today’s press conference
__________________________________
TRANSCRIPT OF CLOSED WHITE HOUSE NEGOTIATING SESSION
[Present: The President and George W. Bush. Moderator/facilitator: Dubya.]
PRESIDENT: Glad you could make it.
BUSH: Thanks. A pleasure to be here. Nice tie.
PRESIDENT: Thanks.
[Pause.]
BUSH: Yes indeedy.
[Pause.]
PRESIDENT: So.
BUSH: Oh. Yeah. Well, I wanted to talk about Social Security. You know, get some things ironed out.
PRESIDENT: We’re gonna privatize.
BUSH: Yeah, but -
PRESIDENT: -End of story.
BUSH: Goddammit! I’m not gonna sign off on that!
PRESIDENT: No?
BUSH: No.
PRESIDENT: Well, I guess we’re done here. No fix, no reform. Oh well.
BUSH: I guess so. We’re gridlocked. Just like ‘01, ‘02, ‘03, and ‘04.
[Pause.]
DUBYA: Okay now, boys, let’s have a little give and take here. We should be able to break this, get something done. Use the ol’ diplomacy…
PRESIDENT: Like we did with the UN?
BUSH: Or Kyoto?
PRESIDENT: Or Iran or the ICC or the steel imports or North Korea or keeping the Iraq coalition together with Spain and Poland and -
DUBYA: Okay! I get it. But come on, it’s just me here. We ought to be able to do it. Now, Mr. President, what’s wrong with Bush’s plan?
PRESIDENT: It won’t work.
BUSH: Well, it’s the only one I’ll sign off on, hotshot.
PRESIDENT: The numbers don’t add up. My opponent over there thinks it’s okay to throw seniors to the dogs, but I believe in keeping promises.
BUSH: That’s not fair! I believe in keeping promises and hope for America and stuff. You’re not even saying anything specific about my plan!
PRESIDENT: See how it feels, jerk? Not so comfortable when my shoe’s on your other foot, is it?
DUBYA: Now, come on. This isn’t productive. Now, Mr. Bush, what’s wrong with the President’s proposal?
BUSH: The numbers don’t add up. It’s not hopeful enough.
PRESIDENT: Take it or leave it.
BUSH: I believe in the power of the American people, and the President seems to think that Americans aren’t smart enough to solve their own problems.
PRESIDENT: Lies! You haven’t even looked at my numbers!
BUSH: What’s that mean, Mr. President? Numbers? Where are they?
PRESIDENT: Nice try, ace. I’m not gonna share ‘em with you. You got a sneaky lookin’ li’l mouth…
BUSH: I’m leaving. Tried to negotiate in good faith, but it’s like talkin’ to a wall. Or another world leader. Nothin’ ever gets done.
DUBYA: Wait! Hang on a second. We’re me, right?
PRESIDENT: No shit.
BUSH: So?
DUBYA: So our plans for Social Security… we’re talking about the same plan here, aren’t we?
PRESIDENT: And?
DUBYA: Well, then it stands to reason that -
BUSH: - Waitaminute. You copied my plan?
PRESIDENT: Wish I hadn’t. The numbers don’t add up. Not like my plan, which is about hope and individual achieveration and-
BUSH: It IS your plan, ya jackass!
PRESIDENT: Shut up, shit-kicker! Just shut your damned mouth and sit down and negotiate in good faith before I come over there and…
DUBYA: We’re not gonna break this deadlock, are we?
BUSH: No.
PRESIDENT: No.
DUBYA: And we don’t really have a fiscally responsible approach to reforming and privatizing social security, do we?
BUSH: No.
PRESIDENT: No.
DUBYA: So what’re we gonna do?
[Pause]
BUSH: We wait until Congress passes something…
PRESIDENT: … something weak and maybe unconstitutional and mealy-mouthed…
BUSH: … but not completely unlike we were talkin’ about.
PRESIDENT: Not totally unlike it…
BUSH: … and then we sign it. Say it was pretty much what we were thinkin’ even though what we were were thinkin’ wasn’t exactly what we were thinkin’ anyway. Big win for everybody.
PRESIDENT: Same as always.
[Pause.]
DUBYA: Okay. Anyone for ping pong?
PRESIDENT: I’m in!
BUSH: No! He always tries to cheats us, my precious. He always cheatses…
[Bickering, the President scampers off.]
Fanny Roborat
20 comments
Trackback from myblog.perculaclown.net - Fanatical Apathy - funny stuff
December 20, 2004 at 9:37 pm
Lynne
December 20, 2004 at 3:52 pm
1Even when he debates himself he still loses. Of course, we do too.
ben
December 20, 2004 at 4:01 pm
2Adam, do you have an email address? Will you give it to us? If so, drop us a line at bluegrassroots (at) hotmail (dot) com.
bjd
December 20, 2004 at 4:48 pm
3he posted it in nov when the blog stopped taking comments. it was extreme.funny.evil[at]infernal.gov. or maybe ten.sreblef[ta]mada (said the creepy dwarf on twin peaks). or something.
Katherine
December 20, 2004 at 5:55 pm
4BUSH: No! He always tries to cheats us, my precious. He always cheatses…
Adam, I love you. Will you marry me?
Mary Kay
December 20, 2004 at 7:49 pm
5They’re thieves! They’re thieves! They’re filthy little thieves! Where is it? Where is our social security money? They stole it from us, our precious. Curse them! WE hates them! it’s ours it is, and we wants it! We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky little republicanses. Wicked, tricksy, false!
pjk
December 21, 2004 at 4:30 am
7We’ll just have to wait while they’re lookin’ fer someone who knows sumpthin’ ’bout intelligence.
tim
December 21, 2004 at 10:14 am
8You have to give them credit for not getting hung up on the shape of the table.
Nathan
December 21, 2004 at 11:35 am
9That’s TIME’s 2004 Person of the Year you’re bashing here. A man who, like the guy living under a freeway underpass near you and occasionally announcing the end of the world, is known for “reframing reality to match his design . . .” Do you really want to draw the ire of someone who can reframe reality (speaking of which, did he go with a nice oak, or one of those cheap modern plastic ones)?
Ken
December 21, 2004 at 1:29 pm
10My apologies to the late Professor…
Three rings for the Coalition Kings mired in Iraq,
Seven for the CEOs in their towers of gold,
Nine for the Christian Right, to ‘take American back,’
One for the dork lord, on his dork throne.
In the District of Columbia, where the shadows lie.
One ring to find them all,
One ring to fool them,
One ring to divide them all,
And in the darkness SCREW them.
In the District of Columbia, where the shadows lie.
Corwin Haught
December 21, 2004 at 2:24 pm
11Actually it was adam(at)felbers.net
Sharon
December 21, 2004 at 2:27 pm
12Ken, good work!
Of course you’ve seen the bumper sticker? “Frodo Failed. Bush Has the Ring.”
Ken
December 21, 2004 at 2:38 pm
13Sharon, thanks!
No, I hadn’t seen that bumper sticker, but it sure as hell makes sense. However, this makes me think we need to apply a new abbreviation to the hoards of the dork lord’s followers:
Organized Right-wing Christians.
O.R.C.s
It connects on so many levels….
Jerry
December 21, 2004 at 3:02 pm
14“Now, the temptation is going to be, by well-meaning people such as yourself, John, and others here, as we run up to the issue to get me to negotiate with myself in public; to say, you know, what’s this mean, Mr. President, what’s that mean?”
The Yellow Rose, press conference, 12/20/04
“…the temptation is going to be…to get me to negotiate with myself in public…”
Can it get worse for him? Yes! They might want him to answer such imponderables as “…what’s this mean, Mr. President, what’s that mean?”
If they weren’t in charge, if they didn’t have an “overwhelming mandate” to impose their Apocalyptic vision on the American homeland (or, as they call it, Heimatland,) and to simply reject “fact-based reality,” then they would be funny.
As it is they are about as funny as rectal cancer caused by chronic bleeding, infected hemoroids.
Murray
December 21, 2004 at 3:25 pm
15It’s a good thing that Bush doesn’t argue with himself in public. The magnitude of negative intelligence would create a knowledge vortex that could suck the brains out of everyone for hundreds of miles.
Maybe he could do it down south,…hmmm, maybe he already has.
hedera
December 22, 2004 at 12:40 am
16Ken and Mary Kay, I LOVE it!! Ken’s rhyme even almost scans. And I don’t think Mary Kay changed more than about 3 words. GREAT!
And yes, I have seen the bumper sticker, Sharon. Sigh.
Mary Kay
December 22, 2004 at 9:06 am
17Thanks, Hedera. Yes, I can plagiarize with the best of them! But Ken wins the prize for creativity. That poem is too scary. And I love the ORCs reference. But the scariest thing of all is Sharon’s bumper sticker.
Thompson
December 22, 2004 at 11:20 am
18And just think of all the publicity Al Franken would get by accident when we renamed him Sting. Hey, it’d fit. He’d be a dangerously sharp object that glowed blue whenever in the presence of O.R.C.s.
But if we pull that off, I claim some of the misplaced groupies.
hedera
December 22, 2004 at 11:32 pm
19Actually, Mary Kay, my husband points out that the bumper sticker is only half right. Yes, Frodo failed - but Cheney has the Ring…
Eric TF Bat
December 26, 2004 at 8:24 pm
20I’m afraid you’re mistaken. Take a look at any photo of the australian Prime Minister, John Dubya Howard (at http://www.pm.gov.au/, for example). HE’S Gollum, obviously - the resemblance in body and mind is unmistakable. Howard is Gollum; Blair is Saruman; Bush is Sauron. It all makes sense!