There are few things in this world that I consider unequivocally good (okay: cheese, the First Amendment, iPods, Makers Mark, Ben Folds, late-afternoon sex, the Minnesota Timberwolves, those fancy high-tech corkscrews…). But one of them is unquestionably this site’s Comments sections.

And yes, they’re malfunctioning lately. All of your precious wit, wisdom, and whining from before this week has more or less disappeared. As you’ve probably guessed, it’s mostly due to the frustrating phenomena called “comment spam” that has flooded my site over the past year. The spammers think that they’ve won, but they haven’t. This will not stand.

Well, it might stand, but only for a little while. Rest assured, work is being done behind the scenes. My newly created Department of Blog Security is humming along. Just yesterday we developed a dynamic management framework that allows us greater flexibility while maintaining an effective top-down structure. Yes, you may have fewer liberties abridged in the months to come - your right to post offers for penis enlargement solutions and the new Paris Hilton 3D Erotic Adventure Book may be curtailed, for instance. You may be asked to submit a credit card number, sign a loyalty oath, and leave a DNA sample before posting. But it’ll be worth it.

We’re also working on color-coded alert systems, new employee rules, and a special “Fanatical Apathy Kids” website that helps youngsters understand why there’s so much new happening on their favorite political satirical blog. I heartily recommend the “O-Spama bin Loadin’” game - it’s therapeutically violent and it teaches the important values of honesty, integrity, and bloody revenge.

Seriously, we’re working on it, dear readers. Patience. Courage. Vigilance. As I said, this will not stand, oh no. It’ll sit. It may lie down. But eventually it’ll be made to feel so uncomfortable that it will look at its watch and yawn theatrically and make a hasty excuse as it grabs its coat and heads out the door. Let that be our battle cry.